A Moment in My Life Where I Really am Completely at a Loss.
So, Journal, I have a bad track record with roommates.
As April pointed out to me today on the phone, I have just about the worst luck one could possibly ask for in this genre. Like most people, I've spent years secretly blaming myself for this phenomena: "I wasn't understanding enough," or,"I should have been a better communicator," or, well, I guess just general and overall feelings of guilt and remorse that probably come from having been raised catholic.
The truth of it is, though, I just have bad judgement and a tenancy to live with people who are bat-shit crazy. This, is my fault. I need to work on my character judgement skills and get out when I have an inkling that all might not be well with the other person's sanity.
Instead, I stay. I try to work things out.
In my defense, there have been many points were I really didn't have a choice, I had to stay where I was for financial or logistical reasons.
All of this rambling, Journal, is just a precursor to an explanation of the current mess I seem to be in. As mentioned in the previous entry, April and I are about to take our relationship to the next level and move into a kick-ass little pad right next to Prospect Park. Even before we found the place, I let my current roommate know that I'd be moving out at the end of the month and could my security deposit count for my last month's rent please? I've been really tight on cash and won't get any of my financial aid or loans until my current incompletes have been taken care of at school; a process that is taking a hell of a lot longer than I ever could have anticipated. Olivia was not happy about it, but in true Olivia fashion said nothing really right away. She even expressed a guarded happiness toward my potential change of address ("Maybe we'll be even better friends when we don't live together!"). Things have been going down hill ever since. I've dealt with her crazy all year, and if I'm honest with myself, I never really liked her. I kept trying to though, because I always feel obligated to like the people that are dropped into my life, or to atleast find ways to get along with them. When Olivia feels like things are not going her way, or like her feelings in some way are not being respected, she yells. The litany of names she has called me over the last year include all kinds of things at various points, but mostly circle around "bitch" and "manipulative bitch." Things that can spike an outburst can range from me leaving dishes in the sink too long, to her feeling that my forgetting to call her and tell her that I would not be able to pick up a stapler at staples is an assault on her sensibilities and a reflection on the insincere nature of my character. I can with a completely clear conscience say that I have never been dishonest with her, ever. I've never had any reason to be, and besides, I'm really not a good liar. I can only do it in really dire situations.
So suddenly, Olivia started asking me when I was going to pay my last month's rent. My eyebrows raised, and I said that I thought my security deposit was counting as the last month's rent. Olivia lost it and resorted to the usual stream of angry insults telling me that she would decide when I got my security deposit back and that I did not get to make that decision. I waited for her to calm down, reminded her of my current financial situation, and eventually got things back to normal. This week, she again brought up the same issue. I took a deep breath, reiterated what I had now said four or five times and waited for explosion. It didn't really happen right away though. She sort of took it sitting down right away. She was notably angry, but didn't say anything. I thought,"Wow, maybe she's learning to control her temper!" Stupid Jenni.
An hour later I got an email from her detailing my responsibilities to her (she was in the next room at the time). The following day, I got another e-mail telling me of the legal action she was going to take against me if I did not give her more money.
Last night she accused me of smoking in the house (something I have never, and would never done) and told me that I was not allowed to touch or play with her cats ever again.
Today, I think she changed the lock on our door. I don't know for sure because I'm in my room working, but there was a moment where the landlord came and worked on something in the hall and I believe I heard him say that he was changing the lock. I'm actually in a state of shock. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. When I leave my room in a bit to make some dinner, I'll check for sure, but if she did, I don't know what to do. I suppose it was too much to hope for that this could be a smooth transition, but I did hope despite myself.
So the side contributors here are that: 1.) She is having a hard time finding someone to replace me. She's been posting adds on Craigslist regularly, but has only shown the room a few times. I don't think most of the people were too impressed with it, or her, for that matter. When I originally told her I was moving out at the end of the month, the first words out of her mouth were, "You can move out when I find another roommate." My eyebrows furrowed quizzically to that, and I responded that I'd do my best to help her find someone. While in more congenial moments earlier this month she's gone on about what a power trip it is to have people apply to be her roommate and to get to choose between them, I strongly suspect that the truth is she is really having alot of difficulty and that no one is interested in her. I've been here once or twice when she was showing someone and she was downright weird about it. I'm pretty sure she made the girl uncomfortable. Now, I feel like I should warn people. I feel like I should stand outside with a sign that says:"Don't Live Here! She is Crazy!"
2.) She sees my leaving as an act of abandonment. Olivia has no friends. I mean it, really, no friends. In the entire world, the only two people she talks to or spends any time with are her friend David (who she sees really rarely) and her sister who lives in Colorado. A former roommate (and now a former friend) of hers that I once met warned me that she always had to live with people and was always trying to make them into her defacto family because she didn't have anyone. At the time I just wrote this off as the friend being somewhat crazy (and she was), but I did start to see evidence of this behavior in Olivia over the last year. She really needs to feel like the person she's living with is friend and if they show signs of not being as close to her, or too much independence from her, she gets angry. This past year if I disagreed with her, she would loose her temper. I didn't give in though and I never raised my voice. I think in the end that is one of the things she's found most maddening about me. I have never once yelled, I've never gotten angry. She yells and I stay calm. I'm patient, I listen. On things related to my areas of expertise I would carefully and dutifully point out the faults in her arguments without malice or aggression. If it was simply a matter of opinion I would say that it was just my opinion. She always hated my sanity, but I'm tired of wasting my time with needless anger; there rarely is a point in getting upset. I was always patiently annoyed with her lack of control. She doesn't really have the power to make me angry -even now. I just don't care enough about her.
So here I am uncertain as to what to do. My stuff is here, but I can't leave if I want it to remain my stuff. I also realize that if indeed she did change the lock that means war. I'm not sure she realizes how much war she as declared, or the ramifications her actions really have the potential to cost. She is really having alot of faith in me to behave myself. Maybe she mistakes my patience for cowardice.
Well, my current plan is to stay and not leave until Monday. I'm supposed to be working at AiG tomorrow, but I'll have to stay home if the lock really is changed. It's alright. I'll stay locked in and work on school stuff, God knows I have plenty to do! Hopefully, April will be able to get the rest of the stuff processed for the Apartment by this weekend and we'll get keys. Then Monday night, we can just move me into the new place while Olivia is away. I won't have electricity yet, but atleast I'll be safe. Between you and me Journal, I am a little scared. I am physically stronger than her, but I also don't know what she is capable of. I guess I'll just keep my door locked and sleep with my cell phone and pepper spray. Sigh. From now on, I'm letting other people choose my roommates.
As April pointed out to me today on the phone, I have just about the worst luck one could possibly ask for in this genre. Like most people, I've spent years secretly blaming myself for this phenomena: "I wasn't understanding enough," or,"I should have been a better communicator," or, well, I guess just general and overall feelings of guilt and remorse that probably come from having been raised catholic.
The truth of it is, though, I just have bad judgement and a tenancy to live with people who are bat-shit crazy. This, is my fault. I need to work on my character judgement skills and get out when I have an inkling that all might not be well with the other person's sanity.
Instead, I stay. I try to work things out.
In my defense, there have been many points were I really didn't have a choice, I had to stay where I was for financial or logistical reasons.
All of this rambling, Journal, is just a precursor to an explanation of the current mess I seem to be in. As mentioned in the previous entry, April and I are about to take our relationship to the next level and move into a kick-ass little pad right next to Prospect Park. Even before we found the place, I let my current roommate know that I'd be moving out at the end of the month and could my security deposit count for my last month's rent please? I've been really tight on cash and won't get any of my financial aid or loans until my current incompletes have been taken care of at school; a process that is taking a hell of a lot longer than I ever could have anticipated. Olivia was not happy about it, but in true Olivia fashion said nothing really right away. She even expressed a guarded happiness toward my potential change of address ("Maybe we'll be even better friends when we don't live together!"). Things have been going down hill ever since. I've dealt with her crazy all year, and if I'm honest with myself, I never really liked her. I kept trying to though, because I always feel obligated to like the people that are dropped into my life, or to atleast find ways to get along with them. When Olivia feels like things are not going her way, or like her feelings in some way are not being respected, she yells. The litany of names she has called me over the last year include all kinds of things at various points, but mostly circle around "bitch" and "manipulative bitch." Things that can spike an outburst can range from me leaving dishes in the sink too long, to her feeling that my forgetting to call her and tell her that I would not be able to pick up a stapler at staples is an assault on her sensibilities and a reflection on the insincere nature of my character. I can with a completely clear conscience say that I have never been dishonest with her, ever. I've never had any reason to be, and besides, I'm really not a good liar. I can only do it in really dire situations.
So suddenly, Olivia started asking me when I was going to pay my last month's rent. My eyebrows raised, and I said that I thought my security deposit was counting as the last month's rent. Olivia lost it and resorted to the usual stream of angry insults telling me that she would decide when I got my security deposit back and that I did not get to make that decision. I waited for her to calm down, reminded her of my current financial situation, and eventually got things back to normal. This week, she again brought up the same issue. I took a deep breath, reiterated what I had now said four or five times and waited for explosion. It didn't really happen right away though. She sort of took it sitting down right away. She was notably angry, but didn't say anything. I thought,"Wow, maybe she's learning to control her temper!" Stupid Jenni.
An hour later I got an email from her detailing my responsibilities to her (she was in the next room at the time). The following day, I got another e-mail telling me of the legal action she was going to take against me if I did not give her more money.
Last night she accused me of smoking in the house (something I have never, and would never done) and told me that I was not allowed to touch or play with her cats ever again.
Today, I think she changed the lock on our door. I don't know for sure because I'm in my room working, but there was a moment where the landlord came and worked on something in the hall and I believe I heard him say that he was changing the lock. I'm actually in a state of shock. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. When I leave my room in a bit to make some dinner, I'll check for sure, but if she did, I don't know what to do. I suppose it was too much to hope for that this could be a smooth transition, but I did hope despite myself.
So the side contributors here are that: 1.) She is having a hard time finding someone to replace me. She's been posting adds on Craigslist regularly, but has only shown the room a few times. I don't think most of the people were too impressed with it, or her, for that matter. When I originally told her I was moving out at the end of the month, the first words out of her mouth were, "You can move out when I find another roommate." My eyebrows furrowed quizzically to that, and I responded that I'd do my best to help her find someone. While in more congenial moments earlier this month she's gone on about what a power trip it is to have people apply to be her roommate and to get to choose between them, I strongly suspect that the truth is she is really having alot of difficulty and that no one is interested in her. I've been here once or twice when she was showing someone and she was downright weird about it. I'm pretty sure she made the girl uncomfortable. Now, I feel like I should warn people. I feel like I should stand outside with a sign that says:"Don't Live Here! She is Crazy!"
2.) She sees my leaving as an act of abandonment. Olivia has no friends. I mean it, really, no friends. In the entire world, the only two people she talks to or spends any time with are her friend David (who she sees really rarely) and her sister who lives in Colorado. A former roommate (and now a former friend) of hers that I once met warned me that she always had to live with people and was always trying to make them into her defacto family because she didn't have anyone. At the time I just wrote this off as the friend being somewhat crazy (and she was), but I did start to see evidence of this behavior in Olivia over the last year. She really needs to feel like the person she's living with is friend and if they show signs of not being as close to her, or too much independence from her, she gets angry. This past year if I disagreed with her, she would loose her temper. I didn't give in though and I never raised my voice. I think in the end that is one of the things she's found most maddening about me. I have never once yelled, I've never gotten angry. She yells and I stay calm. I'm patient, I listen. On things related to my areas of expertise I would carefully and dutifully point out the faults in her arguments without malice or aggression. If it was simply a matter of opinion I would say that it was just my opinion. She always hated my sanity, but I'm tired of wasting my time with needless anger; there rarely is a point in getting upset. I was always patiently annoyed with her lack of control. She doesn't really have the power to make me angry -even now. I just don't care enough about her.
So here I am uncertain as to what to do. My stuff is here, but I can't leave if I want it to remain my stuff. I also realize that if indeed she did change the lock that means war. I'm not sure she realizes how much war she as declared, or the ramifications her actions really have the potential to cost. She is really having alot of faith in me to behave myself. Maybe she mistakes my patience for cowardice.
Well, my current plan is to stay and not leave until Monday. I'm supposed to be working at AiG tomorrow, but I'll have to stay home if the lock really is changed. It's alright. I'll stay locked in and work on school stuff, God knows I have plenty to do! Hopefully, April will be able to get the rest of the stuff processed for the Apartment by this weekend and we'll get keys. Then Monday night, we can just move me into the new place while Olivia is away. I won't have electricity yet, but atleast I'll be safe. Between you and me Journal, I am a little scared. I am physically stronger than her, but I also don't know what she is capable of. I guess I'll just keep my door locked and sleep with my cell phone and pepper spray. Sigh. From now on, I'm letting other people choose my roommates.