Go back a year and read your entries then. You weren't happy, Lille. You were so unhappy, but feeling like you "should" be happy because you had all the right things in your life. It's easy to look back and think things were better then, because it's difficult to struggle with the realities of the present, feeling like you're mired without ability to go anywhere, but the past was never that easy. The struggles back then just feel more distant than the current struggles.
I'm sorry things are still hard for you, but I think you've come some way from a year ago and I'm glad about that. You were (are) taking active steps to change your life, and you can't deny it's changing: new condo, better family relationship, school courses. Not that you know what you want out of life, necessarily, or what you're doing. I don't know if we every figure it out, what we want to do with your lives. I think all we ever do is get by and make decisions as they come along. Some people might have more long-term goals, but I think people can get by just as well with the short term ones, because they are more immediate and more achievable than trying to figure out where we'll be in 10 years.
I love you. I think you have a ton of passion and energy for things you care about; I think it's a matter of directing it. Sometimes I wonder if I have any of that when all I want to do is lie in bed and read... but then I look back and realized I've done things, boring adult things: go to work, gripe about it, get off my ass and get groceries, cook and feed myself, shovel that stupid driveway, make doctor appointments, stay in touch with my parents, do laundry, clean, check my work email, wonder how the hell I'm just going to do the exact same thing next week...read a book, refuse to go outdoors, waste time online... God, sometimes I run out of internet.
I'm rambling here, but IDK. You're important to me and you always will be. Now that it's getting warmer, let's do something! And there's always that cheapo Canes @ Caps game! Tues March 31. Let's do that? ♥
♥ I am too poor for cheapo hockey right now T_T But we should definitely hang out. BRUNCH. I have a rooftop and a kitchen; am close to a farmers market; also oodles of alcohol. Although if your weekends are too busy - day drinking/early HH on a weekday!
Also I remembered the end-goal: live out my days on a small farm not far from the ocean/overlooking the coast. Be a spry old lady and spend my days walking the field with my nubile farm hands and/or have a small storefront and work the farm stand/shop/farmer's market sharing life-stories and social-cultural history, and old-lady wisdom. Maybe teach/be a guest lecturer, attend book readings, etc.
Basically, live a life worthy of that old lady. Live long, healthy, and responsible enough to become that old lady. I enjoy being an observer of life for the most part (lot of listening/reading/watching) and then sharing my passions/observations with others (mainly through being loud and talking fast...). Right now I'm bumping around, hitting walls, on the willing-to-share side/being too self conscious, but I'll get back my equilibrium.
That sounds like a nice end goal. <33 To live a life worthy of that lady, to get yourself to that point, sounds great.
Ughh I am out of town for the next two weekends! Possibly after that too, since my parents want me to go back to NC since that trip keeps getting delayed, haha. But brunch sounds lovely -- we definitely need to still do that at some point. And before that, we could meet up sometime in the middle of the week! Are you moved into your condo now? DC easier?
This week is rough bc I'm going to Houston Thursday, but if you're in DC maybe we could hang out Mon/Tues?
I'm sorry things are still hard for you, but I think you've come some way from a year ago and I'm glad about that. You were (are) taking active steps to change your life, and you can't deny it's changing: new condo, better family relationship, school courses. Not that you know what you want out of life, necessarily, or what you're doing. I don't know if we every figure it out, what we want to do with your lives. I think all we ever do is get by and make decisions as they come along. Some people might have more long-term goals, but I think people can get by just as well with the short term ones, because they are more immediate and more achievable than trying to figure out where we'll be in 10 years.
I don't know if these well help you, but I like reading them to get some perspective from "adults" just like us, who have perspective/distance from their teen years but who are still kind of faking it:
http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2bc9hf/teenagers_of_reddit_what_is_something_you_want_to/
http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2jex7k/teenagers_of_reddit_what_is_the_biggest_current/
I love you. I think you have a ton of passion and energy for things you care about; I think it's a matter of directing it. Sometimes I wonder if I have any of that when all I want to do is lie in bed and read... but then I look back and realized I've done things, boring adult things: go to work, gripe about it, get off my ass and get groceries, cook and feed myself, shovel that stupid driveway, make doctor appointments, stay in touch with my parents, do laundry, clean, check my work email, wonder how the hell I'm just going to do the exact same thing next week...read a book, refuse to go outdoors, waste time online... God, sometimes I run out of internet.
I'm rambling here, but IDK. You're important to me and you always will be. Now that it's getting warmer, let's do something! And there's always that cheapo Canes @ Caps game! Tues March 31. Let's do that? ♥
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let me know if you still wanna do Canes@Caps? We can do cheapo hockey and hang out.
Of course we can hang out beyond that too. Yay, not snowing!
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But we should definitely hang out. BRUNCH. I have a rooftop and a kitchen; am close to a farmers market; also oodles of alcohol. Although if your weekends are too busy - day drinking/early HH on a weekday!
Also I remembered the end-goal: live out my days on a small farm not far from the ocean/overlooking the coast. Be a spry old lady and spend my days walking the field with my nubile farm hands and/or have a small storefront and work the farm stand/shop/farmer's market sharing life-stories and social-cultural history, and old-lady wisdom. Maybe teach/be a guest lecturer, attend book readings, etc.
Basically, live a life worthy of that old lady. Live long, healthy, and responsible enough to become that old lady. I enjoy being an observer of life for the most part (lot of listening/reading/watching) and then sharing my passions/observations with others (mainly through being loud and talking fast...).
Right now I'm bumping around, hitting walls, on the willing-to-share side/being too self conscious, but I'll get back my equilibrium.
Reply
Ughh I am out of town for the next two weekends! Possibly after that too, since my parents want me to go back to NC since that trip keeps getting delayed, haha. But brunch sounds lovely -- we definitely need to still do that at some point. And before that, we could meet up sometime in the middle of the week! Are you moved into your condo now? DC easier?
This week is rough bc I'm going to Houston Thursday, but if you're in DC maybe we could hang out Mon/Tues?
Reply
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