(no subject)
I think I'm over my eating disorder. Not because I'm actually over my eating disorder thoughts.... but now that it's been maybe a month since I officially went into "recovery" i.e. eating food? I exercise and I feel alive, I eat food and it gives me ENERGY and brain power and whaaat magical. I was still restricting for a while though...but still my hormones slowly started to come back and then BAM! ACNE! BLOAT! WEIRD DIGESTIVE SYSTEMS! WOOOOOOOOOHOOOO. and I was like aldkfjaldkfjaldkfjalkdfjlakdjf ARE YOU KIDDING ME. THIS FUCKING SUCKS. I HATE EVERYTHING FOREVER. GIVE ME SOME ICE CREAM RIGHT NOW.
And then ate an entire pint of ice cream and ginger snap cookies and looked in the mirror and felt fat and ugly and seriously pimply and gross and stringy and realized that I hadn't actually interacted socially with non-bff-type people in like...at least half a year. and I was just like. fuck. this. shit.
fuck worrying about what people thing of me. fuck constantly freaking out about calories and calculating the nutrient values of everything i eat so i can justify fucking eating it. fuck all this cooking and worrying and stressing.
i just. i want what i want. i want to exercise just to exercise not to obsess over how many calories i can lose. i want to eat yummy fruits. i want ice cream.
i dont ever want to step on another scale again in my entire life. i don't want to be controlled by the voices in my head.
i dont want to be asked 'what i'm good at' and 'where i see myself' and NOT. KNOW. THE. ANSWER. because i hate everything about myself and have no goals, ambitions, and i'm constantly swinging wildly between obsessive and stressed, and lazy and apathetic.
so fuck you ED, ANA, and MIA. I'mma have me a pint of black sesame ice cream topped with some blueberries. NOM.
And then ate an entire pint of ice cream and ginger snap cookies and looked in the mirror and felt fat and ugly and seriously pimply and gross and stringy and realized that I hadn't actually interacted socially with non-bff-type people in like...at least half a year. and I was just like. fuck. this. shit.
fuck worrying about what people thing of me. fuck constantly freaking out about calories and calculating the nutrient values of everything i eat so i can justify fucking eating it. fuck all this cooking and worrying and stressing.
i just. i want what i want. i want to exercise just to exercise not to obsess over how many calories i can lose. i want to eat yummy fruits. i want ice cream.
i dont ever want to step on another scale again in my entire life. i don't want to be controlled by the voices in my head.
i dont want to be asked 'what i'm good at' and 'where i see myself' and NOT. KNOW. THE. ANSWER. because i hate everything about myself and have no goals, ambitions, and i'm constantly swinging wildly between obsessive and stressed, and lazy and apathetic.
so fuck you ED, ANA, and MIA. I'mma have me a pint of black sesame ice cream topped with some blueberries. NOM.