I'm going to miss you so much.
I just spent the past few days re-reading all of the old SC Round Robins. God, it's been like opening the floodgates. I can hardly believe I was lucky enough that such great writers and (more often than not) great people just let me in there with them. Unbelievable.
Kelly was always the best at those. She could always keep track of what everyone else was doing, never forgot to include someone in a scene that should be there and always kept the voices authentic. I mean, by the time I got halfway through Court of Miracles yesterday, I didn't even need to read the signature at the bottom. She was just that unique.
I just got to work ten minutes ago. My mail had a sweet message from an old friend offering to talk "if I needed to". It was like the bottom fell out of my stomach.
I can't believe that it took her. I can't believe it took her so fucking fast.
I just keep sitting here and crying. I know I'll stop eventually, but in a lot of ways I wish that I wouldn't. Because I know, I know that this hasn't really hit me yet. I know it probably won't until I'm doing something totally stupid and normal. And then......I don't know what. I wish I knew of a way to show how much this hurts. I wish there was something that you could do to yourself to just open up and show how much of you goes away when something like this happens.
It shouldn't have been Kelly.
I feel so small and so stupid. Like all I can do is sit here and think "It's not fair, it's not fair". Of course, it isn't. But it's such a childish thing to say. I know that already. I know it's not fair. I knew that before this all started.
It just feels like someone changed the rules. I just wish that this was something that we could write our way out of. If anyone could, it would be this group.
Just keep sitting here and thinking fucking cliches. "She had so much left to do." "I should have been a better friend." It all just keeps circling back to "It's not fair".
I want to be so eloquent for her. Because that's the way she's always been. It's what she deserves.
Maybe later I'll be able to......think. Or.....say the things that deserve to be said. Right now, I just....don't have anything good enough to say.
Kelly was always the best at those. She could always keep track of what everyone else was doing, never forgot to include someone in a scene that should be there and always kept the voices authentic. I mean, by the time I got halfway through Court of Miracles yesterday, I didn't even need to read the signature at the bottom. She was just that unique.
I just got to work ten minutes ago. My mail had a sweet message from an old friend offering to talk "if I needed to". It was like the bottom fell out of my stomach.
I can't believe that it took her. I can't believe it took her so fucking fast.
I just keep sitting here and crying. I know I'll stop eventually, but in a lot of ways I wish that I wouldn't. Because I know, I know that this hasn't really hit me yet. I know it probably won't until I'm doing something totally stupid and normal. And then......I don't know what. I wish I knew of a way to show how much this hurts. I wish there was something that you could do to yourself to just open up and show how much of you goes away when something like this happens.
It shouldn't have been Kelly.
I feel so small and so stupid. Like all I can do is sit here and think "It's not fair, it's not fair". Of course, it isn't. But it's such a childish thing to say. I know that already. I know it's not fair. I knew that before this all started.
It just feels like someone changed the rules. I just wish that this was something that we could write our way out of. If anyone could, it would be this group.
Just keep sitting here and thinking fucking cliches. "She had so much left to do." "I should have been a better friend." It all just keeps circling back to "It's not fair".
I want to be so eloquent for her. Because that's the way she's always been. It's what she deserves.
Maybe later I'll be able to......think. Or.....say the things that deserve to be said. Right now, I just....don't have anything good enough to say.