Packing: Celandine Brandybuck

[celbrandybuck]

I should pack and just . . .leave. I'm obviously in the way. I had thought maybe she felt the same, but she was probably just being friendly. And I guess she didn't tell me about him because she guessed how I felt and was just being kind. And she's been through so much lately; who knows whether she owns her own heart yet

Comments

[elanorgamgee]

*Elanor pauses a moment before knocking at the door--she has sensed Celly's distance from her all day but is unsure what she has done to possibly upset her. Taking a few deep breaths to help steady her nerves, she timidly raps on the door*

Celly? *voice wavering slightly* It's Elanor.

[celbrandybuck]

*takes a deep breath and goes to answer the door*

*uncomfortable smile* Hello, Elanor. *hears the discomfort in her voice, yet her smile relaxes just to see her* Come in! Is everyhting alright?

[elanorgamgee]

*A small knot in her stomach tightens as she picks up on the unease in Celly's voice and smile. With a small nod she enters the room, slowly, unsure as to how to answer the question. After a slight pause, she turns to face her and begins to speaak. Her words are slow and measured at first, but gradually soften as she continues*

I'm.. not sure. I actually wanted to ask you the same question.

[celbrandybuck]

*laughs somewhat nervously* Alright. *takes a breath* I-I went looking for you the other day. At the inn. I heard you talking with that Elf--what's his name--Gwidler? I over heard something--and I left.

I . . . I'm sorry.

[elanorgamgee]

*She can feel the color rise in her face as she mentions the visit with Gwindor, her heart beginning to pound as she racks her brain for what Celly may have overheard. Suddenly it occurs to her--she had mentioned that had she not had plans with Celly she'd love to take him up on his offer to accompany her back home to the Shire. The blood drains from her face as she realizes how cruel those words must have sounded falling on her friend's ears. Feeling herself begin to tremble, she turns away and goes to perch herself lightly on the far edge of the bed. Unable to look the other hobbit in the eyes, she fidgets with her fingers and whispers*

I'm so sorry. *Her voice begins to crack* I.. didn't mean it the way it must have sounded. *She shakes her head and adds quickly, wondering if she's simpy burying herself deeper by trying to explain* Actually, I meant exactly what I said. I had plans to go hom- to t-travel with you *swallows* and I didn't want to break them, even if that meant turning him down. *A wave of nausea and dread washes

[celbrandybuck]

No-I . . . . *her lip trembles and she sits down on the bed* I-yes. It did hurt to hear, but . . . *takes a deep breath* Elly. *gets up and walks to her* If you want to go home with Gwidner, you have that right. If he gives you pleasure . . you need pleasure right now. I could- I could go home with my Aunt . . . if you need time to yourselves. Just as long as he isn't going to leave your side before its your time. Because if he does, you must send for me immediately. You mustn't be alone now. *looks away*

[elanorgamgee]

*Her breath catching as Celly walks over to her, she shakes her head quickly, still unable to meet her eyes* No, I want to go home with you--I want you to come with me to Undertowers.. if.. if that's not too much to ask. *glances up at her quickly before looking away again* I would understand if it is.

*As she waits for Celly's response, she can barely allow herself to breath, let alone even consider.. the.. other things she had said*

[celbrandybuck]

No, it's not too much to ask. I-I will. I said I would. I . . . *falls silent, runs a hand through her own curls* It's just, would you rather sp-spend time with-with Gwiddle? Alone? You seemed to-to . . . to have something with him. *takes a breath* I feel I may be in the way . . of your wishes. *looks down* And I suppose that wouldn't do either of us any good.

[elanorgamgee]

*just a hint of exasperation* Gwindor. His name is Gwindor, and he's a very dear friend of mine, but.. there is no something because we're not allowed to have something. *gently pulls on the delicate chain around her neck to reveal the simple silver band she still wears against her heart*

*whispers* Not as long as I bear this, or Erei's child within my body.

*long pause* I wish.. I wish for you to come with me. But I don't want you to hurt. *carefully* And I think.. that that's the only answer I have right now.

[celbrandybuck]

*slightly snappy back* Gwindor. I asked his name. You didn't tell me.

*frowns, thinks of speaking of her loyalty to someone who is being a father to her child in name only, thinks better of it, nods*

*solemnly* Alright. I'll come with you, if that's what you wish. I'm-I'm a big lass, Elly. It's alight.

[elanorgamgee]

*winces* I know--I'm sorry.. it wasn't that, or you. I'm just tired.

*bites her lip and says quietly* I.. can imagine what you must think of him.. and some days I'm likely to agree with you.. *swallows* It's just that.. it took he and I some time to fall in love and build a life together--my feelings aren't just.. going to go away so quickly just because he's gone.

*fights to keep her voice steady* So am I. And I don't want you to come unless you wish it as well. *voice drops to just above a whisper* I don't want anyone to stand by me just because they feel the obligation to..

*glances over shoulder--staring out the window at the darkened sea below--and whispers* because they feel bound by their duty.

[celbrandybuck]

*small smile* It's alright.

*nods* Of course. That's understandable. Give yourself permission to express your anger at your hurt as well though, or you'll eat yourself up inside. As the dwarves say, "A hard word not spoken is a cavern caving from within."

*bites her lip and looks down to hide her wet eyes* No. It's not about duty, Elanor. It's not about duty at all.

[elanorgamgee]

*bites her lip, pained that she had caused Celly pain, and wishing that she could just get this all clear in her mind and heart*

*takes a deep breath and releases it with a shuddering sigh* I know. I do know. But thank you for reminding me.

*glances back up at Celly, voice trembling* Then what is it about?

[celbrandybuck]

*looks down*

*purses her lips and nods*

*looking away* Well, there is duty and just concern in staying with a friend in need if you have no other obligations holding you. But . . . Elanor . . . I feel drawn to you. I-it's not just duty or friendliness. It's other feelings.

[elanorgamgee]

*She holds very still, scarely daring to breathe. She had known this of course, but hadn't been able to sort out her own feelings for the lovely woman before her. Somehow it all seemed so easy and difficult at the same time...

*A bit shakily she turns to her, unsure of what to say or how to say it*

*She begins slowly, carefully* I don't know what it is exactly that I feel, nor do I know what I can give you right now... I don't.. think that's fair to you.

[celbrandybuck]

*listens to her watching her face searchingly, and still for a moment after, then slowly and solemnly nods* Elanor? *pause* Can you be a friend to me still, after what I've told you?