RAPED
I was supposed to do so much this morning. I was supposed to have gone to bed a decent hour so I could wake up today and accomplish so much before work.
Instead, I tried to sleep the shame away...I thought that if I just close my eyes
I had a dream that I was with someone. It was a combination of two people I know - one who used to be in my life and another who is in my life. We were in bed getting ready to make love. It was all very sensual. And then he took his sock off, balled it up and asked me to put it in my mouth. I was hurt and upset. I guess this had happened before. I tried to tell him that he didn't have to do this and he hit me and asked me to put the sock in my mouth. I put it in, and he raped me. Or tried to - something happened and we fell off the bed. I thought it was over. But he threw me back on to the bed, took off his other sock and shoved it into my mouth. I could feel the sock get wetter from my saliva as he painfully forced himself on and in me.
Fast forward to the end of the dream. I get into my car. This is after switching a few parking spots which, in the dream, was a nice thing. As I get in, there is a group of men watching me. I feel drugged but turn the key in to the ignition because something tells me this is not good. As I start to back out, the thugs come out with guns. Instead of stopping the car and handing it over, I keep driving. They shoot the guns. I feel the bullets enter me. I feel one in my head. I keep going. Afraid to stop.
. . .
I feel pathetic and like a joke. And I know these last two entries are public. I guess I'm hoping to cleanse the shame in my personal violation. But it doesn't mean it didn't happen. The anger still coursed through my veins. The personal disgust of what I've become still leaves a hideous taste in my mouth. I've never had a rape dream before. It was horrific. All the more so because in the dream I essentially allowed the rapist to violate me.
What have I become?
Instead, I tried to sleep the shame away...I thought that if I just close my eyes
I had a dream that I was with someone. It was a combination of two people I know - one who used to be in my life and another who is in my life. We were in bed getting ready to make love. It was all very sensual. And then he took his sock off, balled it up and asked me to put it in my mouth. I was hurt and upset. I guess this had happened before. I tried to tell him that he didn't have to do this and he hit me and asked me to put the sock in my mouth. I put it in, and he raped me. Or tried to - something happened and we fell off the bed. I thought it was over. But he threw me back on to the bed, took off his other sock and shoved it into my mouth. I could feel the sock get wetter from my saliva as he painfully forced himself on and in me.
Fast forward to the end of the dream. I get into my car. This is after switching a few parking spots which, in the dream, was a nice thing. As I get in, there is a group of men watching me. I feel drugged but turn the key in to the ignition because something tells me this is not good. As I start to back out, the thugs come out with guns. Instead of stopping the car and handing it over, I keep driving. They shoot the guns. I feel the bullets enter me. I feel one in my head. I keep going. Afraid to stop.
. . .
I feel pathetic and like a joke. And I know these last two entries are public. I guess I'm hoping to cleanse the shame in my personal violation. But it doesn't mean it didn't happen. The anger still coursed through my veins. The personal disgust of what I've become still leaves a hideous taste in my mouth. I've never had a rape dream before. It was horrific. All the more so because in the dream I essentially allowed the rapist to violate me.
What have I become?