WAS I EVER SO YOUNG AND STUPID?
"Thoughts right now
What will become of me?
Become of her?
Become of we, babe yeah?"
Thoughts - Tori Amos
I pride myself on being the kind of person who always looks at things from both sides.
But, tonite - tonite I was forced to look at the other side from a different perspective.
I've gone through a lot these last few years. In a short time I went from being engaged, to being the other woman, to being happily free. I've always thought that this gave me a very good perspective on things. When I called off my wedding, it was because I realized I had been in an abusive relationship. Suddenly, I realized that it didn't matter how strong a person you are - abuse can happen to anyone.
When I heard that my ex-fiance repeatedly told a lie-filled sob story to all our friends... I was upset but understood that that was his way of dealing with heartbreak.
In turn...when I had my heart broken, I finally understood what I only thought I had understood all along.
When for a year and a half I ensconced myself in a secret casual relationship (SCR) that I was convinced would turn serious no matter what he said... I found myself being the kind of girl I never thought I'd be.
Hell...I wrote an entire album on it. It was so hard to understand why he didn't want to be with me on a serious level when things were so good on a casual level.
It wasn't until I had the balls to walk away that I understood why I had stayed in that position for so long.
I was young...inexperienced...and, let's face it - a little stupid.
It's easy to blame him - when we were together he was amazingly sweet and affectionate. I just figured I was the girl for him. And no matter how many times he told me he didn't want a relationship, I was convinced my charm and awesomeness would win him over and make him change his mind.
It didn't. Rejection is a bitch, people. And every time we had "that talk", I just nodded my head, agreed that things were cool and casual - deceiving both him and me.
In retrospect, he really should have cut things off for good. It was obvious I didn't believe he'd never make me his girlfriend, and part of me is upset with his cowardice and blatant exploitation of the situation.
But...in his defense...the guy was getting laid pretty regularly with no strings attached. Most of my friends are guys...I can get the appeal of the situation.
Nowadays...when I see girls put in this position, it just makes me cringe. All I see is the pain and the drama. I was so fucked up from this situation for so long. I was so unhappy for that year and a half, wondering why I was so undeserving of a commitment.
I hate unsolicited advice. In my experience, a person never listens to reason until they're ready and willing.
I never thought what it would be like it to see things from his side till tonite. It was always so easy to villainize him. In my own little head, I was Wonder Woman - stopping the horrible SCR, walking away with my head held high a stronger and wiser person.
Now when I see him, I'm disgusted by him. I see him as weak, cowardly, pathetic, and just a bad person. There's more to the story than I'm letting on, so most of my reasons are justified.
Still...all he did was take my word that things were cool... how was he to know?
I don't believe in regrets... and it was only fairly recently that I came to accept what happened and I finally stopped being ashamed of myself...of what I did...of who I was...
"I know he says we can't be more
but, you don't know the things I know
You don't hear the things he says
every time that we're alone"
Being a girl can Suck It!
What will become of me?
Become of her?
Become of we, babe yeah?"
Thoughts - Tori Amos
I pride myself on being the kind of person who always looks at things from both sides.
But, tonite - tonite I was forced to look at the other side from a different perspective.
I've gone through a lot these last few years. In a short time I went from being engaged, to being the other woman, to being happily free. I've always thought that this gave me a very good perspective on things. When I called off my wedding, it was because I realized I had been in an abusive relationship. Suddenly, I realized that it didn't matter how strong a person you are - abuse can happen to anyone.
When I heard that my ex-fiance repeatedly told a lie-filled sob story to all our friends... I was upset but understood that that was his way of dealing with heartbreak.
In turn...when I had my heart broken, I finally understood what I only thought I had understood all along.
When for a year and a half I ensconced myself in a secret casual relationship (SCR) that I was convinced would turn serious no matter what he said... I found myself being the kind of girl I never thought I'd be.
Hell...I wrote an entire album on it. It was so hard to understand why he didn't want to be with me on a serious level when things were so good on a casual level.
It wasn't until I had the balls to walk away that I understood why I had stayed in that position for so long.
I was young...inexperienced...and, let's face it - a little stupid.
It's easy to blame him - when we were together he was amazingly sweet and affectionate. I just figured I was the girl for him. And no matter how many times he told me he didn't want a relationship, I was convinced my charm and awesomeness would win him over and make him change his mind.
It didn't. Rejection is a bitch, people. And every time we had "that talk", I just nodded my head, agreed that things were cool and casual - deceiving both him and me.
In retrospect, he really should have cut things off for good. It was obvious I didn't believe he'd never make me his girlfriend, and part of me is upset with his cowardice and blatant exploitation of the situation.
But...in his defense...the guy was getting laid pretty regularly with no strings attached. Most of my friends are guys...I can get the appeal of the situation.
Nowadays...when I see girls put in this position, it just makes me cringe. All I see is the pain and the drama. I was so fucked up from this situation for so long. I was so unhappy for that year and a half, wondering why I was so undeserving of a commitment.
I hate unsolicited advice. In my experience, a person never listens to reason until they're ready and willing.
I never thought what it would be like it to see things from his side till tonite. It was always so easy to villainize him. In my own little head, I was Wonder Woman - stopping the horrible SCR, walking away with my head held high a stronger and wiser person.
Now when I see him, I'm disgusted by him. I see him as weak, cowardly, pathetic, and just a bad person. There's more to the story than I'm letting on, so most of my reasons are justified.
Still...all he did was take my word that things were cool... how was he to know?
I don't believe in regrets... and it was only fairly recently that I came to accept what happened and I finally stopped being ashamed of myself...of what I did...of who I was...
"I know he says we can't be more
but, you don't know the things I know
You don't hear the things he says
every time that we're alone"
Being a girl can Suck It!