Why We Can't Write 'Pirates' Fan Fiction
cruisedirector and I were going to write some POTC fic as consolation for the dearth of porn on LiveJournal yesterday, but then we realized that we did not dare:
1. Any fic involving Jack or Barbossa = necrophilia.
2. Any fic involving Davy Jones = bestiality.
3. Jack/Goat = bestiality too, though not as gross as Jack/Davy Jones.
4. Jack/Jack = masturbation.
5. When Jack thought Elizabeth was a boy who wanted to sleep with him, he said he was flattered instead of having her arrested.
6. Plus he gave her rum when she was under 21. After all, if she'd been over 21, she would have been considered an old maid and Norrington wouldn't have wanted to marry her.
7. And Norrington first fell for Elizabeth when she was, like, ten years old, singing pirate songs on his ship. By the time she was old enough for him to marry, he was distracted by pirates. Perv.
8. Those two Royal Navy guards who deserted to become pirates were obviously trying to flout sodomy laws.
9. Given Elizabeth's new title and position as Pirate King, she cannot date any other pirate or it's an abuse of her authority.
10. Not to mention the fact that having a woman in such a position of authority is obviously flouting God's plan.
11. And while we're on the subject of God's plan...what's with that pagan perspective on death, and the presence of the goddess Calypso? Where is the Christian afterlife? Where is Christ?
12. And while we're on the subject of sick, perverted gender roles...Pintel and Ragetti put on women's clothing. And that Chinese lady pirate was totally butch.
13. Plus, Will owns the gayest hat in the history of gay hats.
14. In general, Orlando Bloom should be barred from people's interest lists, as his very existence seems to have tripled the amount of slash in the world.
15. Dead Kraken abuse = hentai.
16. Any fic involving Keith Richards = necrophilia.
[Also posted at Cruise's LJ, here.]
PS -- LJ is being erratic about notifications again. *sighs* If I don't reply to something, my apologies!
1. Any fic involving Jack or Barbossa = necrophilia.
2. Any fic involving Davy Jones = bestiality.
3. Jack/Goat = bestiality too, though not as gross as Jack/Davy Jones.
4. Jack/Jack = masturbation.
5. When Jack thought Elizabeth was a boy who wanted to sleep with him, he said he was flattered instead of having her arrested.
6. Plus he gave her rum when she was under 21. After all, if she'd been over 21, she would have been considered an old maid and Norrington wouldn't have wanted to marry her.
7. And Norrington first fell for Elizabeth when she was, like, ten years old, singing pirate songs on his ship. By the time she was old enough for him to marry, he was distracted by pirates. Perv.
8. Those two Royal Navy guards who deserted to become pirates were obviously trying to flout sodomy laws.
9. Given Elizabeth's new title and position as Pirate King, she cannot date any other pirate or it's an abuse of her authority.
10. Not to mention the fact that having a woman in such a position of authority is obviously flouting God's plan.
11. And while we're on the subject of God's plan...what's with that pagan perspective on death, and the presence of the goddess Calypso? Where is the Christian afterlife? Where is Christ?
12. And while we're on the subject of sick, perverted gender roles...Pintel and Ragetti put on women's clothing. And that Chinese lady pirate was totally butch.
13. Plus, Will owns the gayest hat in the history of gay hats.
14. In general, Orlando Bloom should be barred from people's interest lists, as his very existence seems to have tripled the amount of slash in the world.
15. Dead Kraken abuse = hentai.
16. Any fic involving Keith Richards = necrophilia.
[Also posted at Cruise's LJ, here.]
PS -- LJ is being erratic about notifications again. *sighs* If I don't reply to something, my apologies!