Mental disconnect
I've been using the pseudonym "Celandine Brandybuck" for nearly 4 years now in various online communities. Several RL friends who also have pseudonymous blogs quite naturally use "Cel" in addressing me either here or in their own blogs, just as I use their pseudonyms in such contexts. And of course those who have met me online know me by that name, although a few also know my RL name and identity.
But for some reason today it struck me as very strange. Who is this person, "Cel"? It's me, right? Certainly at various times I have given enough energy and focus to the things I do as "Cel" that they have outranked RL. And I actually prefer the name to my own RL one (first names, anyhow). I've written far more total words and put them out to the world as "Celandine Brandybuck" than I have ever done under my RL identity, probably even if you counted all the papers and reviews I wrote in seven years of grad school. I love the writing and interacting that Cel does. I love the tattoo I got with those initials in Tengwar (the Elvish alphabet, for those who are not Tolkienites). And yet... is it me?
Maybe I should go away and think about it. And/or write. I said recently that writing kept me sane. Am I sure?
But for some reason today it struck me as very strange. Who is this person, "Cel"? It's me, right? Certainly at various times I have given enough energy and focus to the things I do as "Cel" that they have outranked RL. And I actually prefer the name to my own RL one (first names, anyhow). I've written far more total words and put them out to the world as "Celandine Brandybuck" than I have ever done under my RL identity, probably even if you counted all the papers and reviews I wrote in seven years of grad school. I love the writing and interacting that Cel does. I love the tattoo I got with those initials in Tengwar (the Elvish alphabet, for those who are not Tolkienites). And yet... is it me?
Maybe I should go away and think about it. And/or write. I said recently that writing kept me sane. Am I sure?