Bittersweet
I haven't yet found a mask.
I think I'm too honest to create one.
From what I know from my friends, I'm not an impossible person to love. I think I draw people in by how much I genuinely care for them. But no one ever likes me initially. I mean, they do--but I don't catch people. There's nothing about me that makes them look at me and then keep looking.
Others, I think, create a mask for themselves so that others see what they want them to see, then they ease on their true nature, and real personality so that they don't scare people off. I think at first glance, I look too difficult to understand--like I'm not worth the time.
I try to placate myself with the belief that I don't want someone who isn't willing to put forth the time to really know me. I don't want someone who enjoys being tricked or lied to. I want someone genuine. But sometimes I wonder if those people exist here.
I miss real people. I miss you. I'm sick of people who on the outside appear to be perfect when I know it's just their mask so that people are attracted to them. But why is it that there's no one in this damn town?
I need to get away. It's sad that all of the people I love best are the ones I need to get away from the quickest.
Marissa is getting married. She's happy. Carson is great. I like him because I can be his friend and nothing more--he's engaged to one of my best friends which means friends are just fine. Other guys apparently can't have girlfriends unless they think its going to "go somewhere." Stupid, I know. But with all her happiness, I feel sort of stifled. I spend most of my time with an engaged couple. They're great friends, but there's no way that's healthy, haha.
Colleen is dating this guy seriously. I like him--I like how he treats her. But the truth is that when I'm around her I feel selfish because I want to know: why can't someone like me the way Alex likes her? So dedicated, so sweet, so careful. In truth, that would bother me--but it's the thought that counts. I hate sitting near them because they're not enaged but they're worse than Marissa and Carson. Honestly.
I adore Janice, but it's really my relationship with her that's the problem. She's the most gorgeous thing within a 10 block radius. No one notices me when I'm standing next to her. It's not even that: she's always happy and bubbly, and more fun than any other girl I've met. I don't think we connect on as deep a level as Marissa and I or Colleen and I, but she's smart and funny and adorable, and gorgeous, and everything a girl wants to be. And then she comes in and she tells me about the dozen boys she goes through in a week, and all these sweet nice guys come through our apartment, and they give her nice things and they treat her well and then by the next week they're gone. Then all these jerks come through our apartment too, and usually they stick around a little longer because they know what sorts of things to say. She usually gets the idea they're not right for her and she moves on eventually. Right now she's interested in one guy, and still she flirts with everyone in sight. This wouldn't bother me at all if I weren't so meager in comparison to her.
I attract these people (the ones like Marissa, Colleen and Janice) because I have common sense, because I'm relatively level-headed. What's more I'm attracted to them because they're all so different than I am and I like personalities that supplement my own. But honestly, I haven't got a chance. Sometimes I wonder why I think about it at all. More or less, I'm accepting the fact, I am coming to terms with the fact that I will always be left behind.
But this time, I'm doing the leaving.
I was accepted to the London Study Abroad program.
I think I'm too honest to create one.
From what I know from my friends, I'm not an impossible person to love. I think I draw people in by how much I genuinely care for them. But no one ever likes me initially. I mean, they do--but I don't catch people. There's nothing about me that makes them look at me and then keep looking.
Others, I think, create a mask for themselves so that others see what they want them to see, then they ease on their true nature, and real personality so that they don't scare people off. I think at first glance, I look too difficult to understand--like I'm not worth the time.
I try to placate myself with the belief that I don't want someone who isn't willing to put forth the time to really know me. I don't want someone who enjoys being tricked or lied to. I want someone genuine. But sometimes I wonder if those people exist here.
I miss real people. I miss you. I'm sick of people who on the outside appear to be perfect when I know it's just their mask so that people are attracted to them. But why is it that there's no one in this damn town?
I need to get away. It's sad that all of the people I love best are the ones I need to get away from the quickest.
Marissa is getting married. She's happy. Carson is great. I like him because I can be his friend and nothing more--he's engaged to one of my best friends which means friends are just fine. Other guys apparently can't have girlfriends unless they think its going to "go somewhere." Stupid, I know. But with all her happiness, I feel sort of stifled. I spend most of my time with an engaged couple. They're great friends, but there's no way that's healthy, haha.
Colleen is dating this guy seriously. I like him--I like how he treats her. But the truth is that when I'm around her I feel selfish because I want to know: why can't someone like me the way Alex likes her? So dedicated, so sweet, so careful. In truth, that would bother me--but it's the thought that counts. I hate sitting near them because they're not enaged but they're worse than Marissa and Carson. Honestly.
I adore Janice, but it's really my relationship with her that's the problem. She's the most gorgeous thing within a 10 block radius. No one notices me when I'm standing next to her. It's not even that: she's always happy and bubbly, and more fun than any other girl I've met. I don't think we connect on as deep a level as Marissa and I or Colleen and I, but she's smart and funny and adorable, and gorgeous, and everything a girl wants to be. And then she comes in and she tells me about the dozen boys she goes through in a week, and all these sweet nice guys come through our apartment, and they give her nice things and they treat her well and then by the next week they're gone. Then all these jerks come through our apartment too, and usually they stick around a little longer because they know what sorts of things to say. She usually gets the idea they're not right for her and she moves on eventually. Right now she's interested in one guy, and still she flirts with everyone in sight. This wouldn't bother me at all if I weren't so meager in comparison to her.
I attract these people (the ones like Marissa, Colleen and Janice) because I have common sense, because I'm relatively level-headed. What's more I'm attracted to them because they're all so different than I am and I like personalities that supplement my own. But honestly, I haven't got a chance. Sometimes I wonder why I think about it at all. More or less, I'm accepting the fact, I am coming to terms with the fact that I will always be left behind.
But this time, I'm doing the leaving.
I was accepted to the London Study Abroad program.