One. Two. Three.
We're in a recession, I'm a recluse, and I feel my life is ending.
Being in a recession scares me more some days than it does others. Some days I really realize it and others I don't. Sometimes I wonder if it's going to be the same as it was in the 30s. Or is it already? I learned about the Gilded Age today--From about the 1870s to the 1900s, the Gilded Age was an age of extreme disparity between the classes. The wealth was fake; shoved in faces. It made me think if we aren't going through a gilded age now--or if we go through them rather often. Everyone wants to appear so wealthy and well-off that they've gotten themselves into these deplorable and inescapable situations. Land rich, but cash poor. Why are we so concerned with looking wealthy? I don't have the answer, but all I know is that I think things will get much worse and we still live like it's fashionable to throw money away.
--
Sometimes I'm certain that if I had to spend the rest of my life in my room I'd be okay. As long as I could make myself food, turn the heater up occassionally, and have an endless supply of electricity, I'd be okay. I know that sometimes I need help to get out of my house, but a good deal of the time all I want is to be left alone. That isn't healthy. I think as optimistic as I sometimes seem, I am so tired of being let down.
I'm going through an intense Writing Block, which isn't just frustrating, but uncomfortable.
My best friend has a boyfriend who she plans to marry and everyone tells me I should be happy--but I'm not. I love Carson (her boyfriend) and even consider him one of my own good friends, but they're together every night--constantly--and she doesn't spend any time with me anymore, the way she used to. We don't watch movies unless he's there, we don't ever have dinner together (she has dinner with him instead), she doesn't come to talk to me and when we do talk it's always so superficial. When I think about it I just feel so guilty! I mean, what gives ME the right to her constant attention? But at the same time, she's one of my best friends, am I not allowed to miss her? Why is it so wrong that I miss her company and that I miss her attention?
It's sort of funny actually, because I never realized this so blatantly before: I was home for 2 1/2 weeks and got constant attention when I wanted attention and was left alone when I wanted to be left alone. My sisters are great that way--I always felt wanted, needed, loved, secure. I came back to Utah and was dropped into this situation where I don't feel talked to at all and I don't feel cared about in the least. Marissa is always with Carson. A boy recently became very interested in Colleen, so now she's much happier than she's been but she's always gone too. Of course Janice, the adorable, cute and beautiful one, has a lot of outside friends who enjoy her company. The boys who are intersted in me--which isn't many--become rather boring rather quickly. I don't think about anyone more than once, and I really don't care when they don't call back. Even when I know they like me, and all I have to do is nudge them a little and they'd begin calling me again, I just don't care. And I realized--I'm a recluse. I open up to the people I see every day. I open up to the people I live with. But now they're all fading away and I've got pretty much no one. I mean, I guess besides family that's how it's always been, but I was starting to think that maybe it would be different with these girls. It's not. The truth is, I'm not the most important person in anyone's life and it's my own fault. It's just hard to admit, that's all.
-
Last, but not least--Do you ever feel like time is running out? Like if you don't do something really soon all your opportunity and potential will disappear? I feel that way all of the time. I don't feel like I have 60 years ahead of me to make something of life. I feel like maybe I have four or five. That scares me, mostly because I believe it. Isn't that awful?
I feel like I have to finish my writing--the pieces that mean something. I think I feel that way because I'm afraid that if I don't do something with my life now I'll fall into a comfortable content with life and end up doing nothing with it.
And worse, I feel like I have to constantly fight against the world, and the church, and my friends to accomplish that. The world which becomes more competitive, bowing down only to money, closes it's eyes and plugs its ears to advice, to care, to love, to morals. The church which tells me that I have a divine purpose, but that diving purpose of which I want no part. My friends who are content with lives of ease that don't make a difference in the world. I feel like it's my JOB to make a difference. I would die for it. I know a lot of people feel that way, but I know a lot of people who don't feel that way. I wish it made sense.
Being in a recession scares me more some days than it does others. Some days I really realize it and others I don't. Sometimes I wonder if it's going to be the same as it was in the 30s. Or is it already? I learned about the Gilded Age today--From about the 1870s to the 1900s, the Gilded Age was an age of extreme disparity between the classes. The wealth was fake; shoved in faces. It made me think if we aren't going through a gilded age now--or if we go through them rather often. Everyone wants to appear so wealthy and well-off that they've gotten themselves into these deplorable and inescapable situations. Land rich, but cash poor. Why are we so concerned with looking wealthy? I don't have the answer, but all I know is that I think things will get much worse and we still live like it's fashionable to throw money away.
--
Sometimes I'm certain that if I had to spend the rest of my life in my room I'd be okay. As long as I could make myself food, turn the heater up occassionally, and have an endless supply of electricity, I'd be okay. I know that sometimes I need help to get out of my house, but a good deal of the time all I want is to be left alone. That isn't healthy. I think as optimistic as I sometimes seem, I am so tired of being let down.
I'm going through an intense Writing Block, which isn't just frustrating, but uncomfortable.
My best friend has a boyfriend who she plans to marry and everyone tells me I should be happy--but I'm not. I love Carson (her boyfriend) and even consider him one of my own good friends, but they're together every night--constantly--and she doesn't spend any time with me anymore, the way she used to. We don't watch movies unless he's there, we don't ever have dinner together (she has dinner with him instead), she doesn't come to talk to me and when we do talk it's always so superficial. When I think about it I just feel so guilty! I mean, what gives ME the right to her constant attention? But at the same time, she's one of my best friends, am I not allowed to miss her? Why is it so wrong that I miss her company and that I miss her attention?
It's sort of funny actually, because I never realized this so blatantly before: I was home for 2 1/2 weeks and got constant attention when I wanted attention and was left alone when I wanted to be left alone. My sisters are great that way--I always felt wanted, needed, loved, secure. I came back to Utah and was dropped into this situation where I don't feel talked to at all and I don't feel cared about in the least. Marissa is always with Carson. A boy recently became very interested in Colleen, so now she's much happier than she's been but she's always gone too. Of course Janice, the adorable, cute and beautiful one, has a lot of outside friends who enjoy her company. The boys who are intersted in me--which isn't many--become rather boring rather quickly. I don't think about anyone more than once, and I really don't care when they don't call back. Even when I know they like me, and all I have to do is nudge them a little and they'd begin calling me again, I just don't care. And I realized--I'm a recluse. I open up to the people I see every day. I open up to the people I live with. But now they're all fading away and I've got pretty much no one. I mean, I guess besides family that's how it's always been, but I was starting to think that maybe it would be different with these girls. It's not. The truth is, I'm not the most important person in anyone's life and it's my own fault. It's just hard to admit, that's all.
-
Last, but not least--Do you ever feel like time is running out? Like if you don't do something really soon all your opportunity and potential will disappear? I feel that way all of the time. I don't feel like I have 60 years ahead of me to make something of life. I feel like maybe I have four or five. That scares me, mostly because I believe it. Isn't that awful?
I feel like I have to finish my writing--the pieces that mean something. I think I feel that way because I'm afraid that if I don't do something with my life now I'll fall into a comfortable content with life and end up doing nothing with it.
And worse, I feel like I have to constantly fight against the world, and the church, and my friends to accomplish that. The world which becomes more competitive, bowing down only to money, closes it's eyes and plugs its ears to advice, to care, to love, to morals. The church which tells me that I have a divine purpose, but that diving purpose of which I want no part. My friends who are content with lives of ease that don't make a difference in the world. I feel like it's my JOB to make a difference. I would die for it. I know a lot of people feel that way, but I know a lot of people who don't feel that way. I wish it made sense.