SGA fic: Every Farthing of the Cost
Title: Every Farthing of the Cost
Author: Ceitie
Category: Genderswitch AU, femslash
Pairing: Emmagan/McKay/Sheppard, gen/preslash
Rating: PG-13, for language
Words: 1,450
Spoilers: Reunion, Adrift/Lifeline
Summary: Missing scene from Reunion. Sheppard shrugged again, her mouth twisting. “We still need a new team member.”
A/N: This was written for the sga_genderfuck Femslashed Challenge, and takes place in the same genderswitch universe as Storm Damage and Five Times Aiden Ford (Almost) Wished He Was on a Different Team, where Sheppard and McKay have always been women. The title is from W.H. Auden's poem, Lullaby.
Every Farthing of the Cost
Meredith was sitting on her bed and staring blankly at her laptop screen when the door chimed and Teyla walked in. There was something about the set of her shoulders made her seem smaller than usual.
Meredith closed the laptop, took a deep breath; then she looked up at Teyla and asked, “He’s gone?”
Teyla said, “Yes. He went through the stargate a few minutes ago.” She walked over to the bed and sat down, absently running her hand across Meredith’s hypoallergenic comforter.
“He wanted to wait, to see if you would change your mind and come to watch him leave,” Teyla said. There was no accusation in her voice, which only made it worse.
Meredith clutched the laptop tightly. “That’s just ridiculous, I told him I wasn’t going to show up at the gateroom. I hate those kinds of goodbyes.” She paused. “Was Sheppard there?”
“Yes.”
They stared at each other for a few seconds, and then Teyla said, “Jen should not be alone,” just as Meredith blurted, “Let’s go find her.”
Meredith almost smiled, and Teyla didn’t quite smile back at her, in perfect understanding.
First carefully placing her laptop on the nightstand, Meredith pushed herself up off the bed. “So what do you think?” she asked, “shooting range or jumper bay?”
The door chimed and Sheppard strolled in, face grim and pale.
“Okay, that was easier than I anticipated,” Meredith muttered. Sheppard looked between her and Teyla, apparently a little surprised by the impromptu team meeting.
Sheppard raised her eyebrows and asked, “Am I interrupting something?”
“No, no - actually, we were about to go looking for you,” Meredith said, shaking her head.
Jen shrugged, but her shoulders were so tense that the gesture looked painful. “Whatever, I just came to tell you guys that Colonel Carter wants us to arrange a meeting with her to discuss possible replacements for the team.”
“Ronon has been gone for less than an hour,” Teyla said sharply, before Meredith could.
Sheppard shrugged again, her mouth twisting. “We still need a new team member.”
Meredith felt something in her stomach clench painfully at that, but before she could say anything, Sheppard’s gaze drifted to the other side of the room and her eyes narrowed.
“McKay,” she bit out. “What the hell is that?”
Meredith turned towards whatever Sheppard was staring at, and then winced. She probably shouldn’t have left that leaning against the wall.
“It’s Ronon’s painting, obviously,” she said, trying not to sound as defensive as she felt.
“Jen,” Teyla said, climbing off the bed with a frown.
Ignoring her, Sheppard stalked towards Meredith. “And why is it in your room?”
Meredith didn’t back up, but it was a close thing. She tucked her hair behind her ear nervously. “Well, I just thought - I mean -”
Walking right into Meredith’s personal space, Sheppard snarled, “That the second Ronon left, you’d just waltz into his quarters and take the opportunity to raid his stuff? What the fuck is wrong with you?!”
“Why does it matter anyway?” Meredith said, matching Sheppard sneer for sneer, letting her own anger and frustration boil to the surface. “He’s not coming back.”
Something dark flashed across Sheppard’s face, and this time Meredith did take a step back. She could see Teyla out of the corner of her eye, watching them warily.
“Shut up, Meredith,” Jen said. Her voice was very quiet. “Ronon could still -”
“No,” Meredith said. “Enough with the bullshit, okay? He’s not coming back. He’s gone off with his three buddies, and I’m sure for a while he’ll keep checking in and we’ll keep helping them with missions sometimes, and we’ll all pretend that everything’s hunky-dory.”
Teyla stepped forward, reaching out to touch Meredith’s shoulder, but Meredith shook her off, glaring at both her and Sheppard blurrily.
“And then one day he won’t check in. And we’ll look for him, sure we’ll look for him, but what’s the point because let’s face it, they’re fighting the Wraith with four fucking guys! Without any backup, or - or ships, or anything and we all know it’s only a matter of time before -”
“Shut up!” Sheppard yelled, half-screamed really, and Meredith shut up. She was struggling to breathe around the lump in her throat, and she nearly closed her eyes because Sheppard was white and furious, worse than with Elizabeth and the nanites, and Meredith didn’t want to see the punch coming.
So she froze in surprise when Jen stepped forward, bringing them toe-to-toe, and dropped her head down onto Meredith’s shoulder with a shuddering sigh. Meredith stared down at Sheppard’s spiky hair in bewilderment. They weren’t touching anywhere but at the forehead and shoulder, but they were standing so close that Meredith could feel Jen’s warmth all down the length of her body, could feel the damp heat of Jen’s breath through her cotton shirt.
Meredith looked helplessly to Teyla for some kind of cue on what to do next, and had to turn away from the stark pain on Teyla’s face. She heard Teyla breathe deeply once, twice, and then Teyla moved closer, stepped behind Jen and embraced her.
Teyla’s arms brushed against Meredith’s stomach as Teyla hugged Jen tightly, pressing herself against Jen’s stiff back and lowering her head onto Jen’s shoulder. Meredith heard Jen sigh again, felt the puff of breath on her shoulder, and decided to follow Teyla’s example. She wrapped her arms cautiously around Jen’s shoulders until her hands bumped into Teyla on the other side. Jen didn’t return the hug, but she shifted forward a bit and relaxed against Meredith’s body.
For a long moment they stood in the middle of Meredith’s quarters and breathed. It was a little awkward, and Meredith didn’t quite know where to put her hands, but she held onto Jen and listened to Teyla’s even breathing, and eventually her throat unclenched and she felt her own breathing come easily again. She could almost ignore the empty space in the room where Ronon should have been standing, his arms long enough and strong enough to wrap around all of them, to hold them all together.
They ended up lying on Meredith’s bed, squashed together and passing around a bottle of Athosian wine. She had acquired one of the new double beds a few months ago, so it wasn’t as tight a fit as it would have been on Sheppard’s asinine cot, but it still took some creative maneuvering to fit all three of them semi-comfortably. It probably didn’t really require that Meredith rest her head in Teyla’s lap, but she was willing to take one for the team.
They drank most of the bottle in silence. Meredith didn’t apologize to Jen, but she wrapped a hand around Jen’s knee and Jen only rolled her eyes, so she was pretty sure that they were okay.
The combination of the wine and the slow stroke of Teyla’s fingers through her hair was making Meredith drowsy, and her eyes were sliding closed when Jen said, “You’re right.”
“Who is right?” Teyla asked, puzzled. Meredith opened her eyes and frowned at the bleak, angry look on Jen’s face.
“Meredith’s right,” Jen said, not looking at either of them. “About Ronon.”
“Jen -” Meredith said, then couldn’t lie to her. Instead she said, “I wanted the painting as - to remember. I wasn’t - I didn’t intend to be disrespectful.”
Jen brushed her fingertips across Meredith’s palm, making her fingers curl inwards involuntarily.
“Yeah,” Jen said, “I know.” She passed the bottle of wine to Teyla and lay back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. “It seems like I’m - like we’re losing everybody.”
Meredith swallowed; impulsively, she grabbed for Jen’s hand. After a moment, Jen wrapped her slender, callused fingers around Meredith’s and let their hands rest on the bed.
“My mother once told me that it is not a matter of if we will lose the things and people we love, only a matter of when,” Teyla said softly.
Meredith stared up at Teyla. She didn’t look angry like Jen, only sad and resigned. Meredith would have preferred anger. “No offense, but that’s incredibly depressing.”
Teyla tilted her head. “It was not meant to be depressing, Meredith. Only the truth.”
“Well, the truth sucks,” Jen said. Meredith tightened her grip on her hand.
“Yes, sometimes it does,” Teyla said flatly.
They dropped into silence again, and after a while Meredith fell asleep. When she woke up in the morning, Jen’s hair was scratchy against her neck and she could hear Teyla’s whistly snores. Meredith closed her eyes and because she had no one to pray to, only inched herself a little closer to their warmth, and went back to sleep.
Author: Ceitie
Category: Genderswitch AU, femslash
Pairing: Emmagan/McKay/Sheppard, gen/preslash
Rating: PG-13, for language
Words: 1,450
Spoilers: Reunion, Adrift/Lifeline
Summary: Missing scene from Reunion. Sheppard shrugged again, her mouth twisting. “We still need a new team member.”
A/N: This was written for the sga_genderfuck Femslashed Challenge, and takes place in the same genderswitch universe as Storm Damage and Five Times Aiden Ford (Almost) Wished He Was on a Different Team, where Sheppard and McKay have always been women. The title is from W.H. Auden's poem, Lullaby.
Every Farthing of the Cost
Meredith was sitting on her bed and staring blankly at her laptop screen when the door chimed and Teyla walked in. There was something about the set of her shoulders made her seem smaller than usual.
Meredith closed the laptop, took a deep breath; then she looked up at Teyla and asked, “He’s gone?”
Teyla said, “Yes. He went through the stargate a few minutes ago.” She walked over to the bed and sat down, absently running her hand across Meredith’s hypoallergenic comforter.
“He wanted to wait, to see if you would change your mind and come to watch him leave,” Teyla said. There was no accusation in her voice, which only made it worse.
Meredith clutched the laptop tightly. “That’s just ridiculous, I told him I wasn’t going to show up at the gateroom. I hate those kinds of goodbyes.” She paused. “Was Sheppard there?”
“Yes.”
They stared at each other for a few seconds, and then Teyla said, “Jen should not be alone,” just as Meredith blurted, “Let’s go find her.”
Meredith almost smiled, and Teyla didn’t quite smile back at her, in perfect understanding.
First carefully placing her laptop on the nightstand, Meredith pushed herself up off the bed. “So what do you think?” she asked, “shooting range or jumper bay?”
The door chimed and Sheppard strolled in, face grim and pale.
“Okay, that was easier than I anticipated,” Meredith muttered. Sheppard looked between her and Teyla, apparently a little surprised by the impromptu team meeting.
Sheppard raised her eyebrows and asked, “Am I interrupting something?”
“No, no - actually, we were about to go looking for you,” Meredith said, shaking her head.
Jen shrugged, but her shoulders were so tense that the gesture looked painful. “Whatever, I just came to tell you guys that Colonel Carter wants us to arrange a meeting with her to discuss possible replacements for the team.”
“Ronon has been gone for less than an hour,” Teyla said sharply, before Meredith could.
Sheppard shrugged again, her mouth twisting. “We still need a new team member.”
Meredith felt something in her stomach clench painfully at that, but before she could say anything, Sheppard’s gaze drifted to the other side of the room and her eyes narrowed.
“McKay,” she bit out. “What the hell is that?”
Meredith turned towards whatever Sheppard was staring at, and then winced. She probably shouldn’t have left that leaning against the wall.
“It’s Ronon’s painting, obviously,” she said, trying not to sound as defensive as she felt.
“Jen,” Teyla said, climbing off the bed with a frown.
Ignoring her, Sheppard stalked towards Meredith. “And why is it in your room?”
Meredith didn’t back up, but it was a close thing. She tucked her hair behind her ear nervously. “Well, I just thought - I mean -”
Walking right into Meredith’s personal space, Sheppard snarled, “That the second Ronon left, you’d just waltz into his quarters and take the opportunity to raid his stuff? What the fuck is wrong with you?!”
“Why does it matter anyway?” Meredith said, matching Sheppard sneer for sneer, letting her own anger and frustration boil to the surface. “He’s not coming back.”
Something dark flashed across Sheppard’s face, and this time Meredith did take a step back. She could see Teyla out of the corner of her eye, watching them warily.
“Shut up, Meredith,” Jen said. Her voice was very quiet. “Ronon could still -”
“No,” Meredith said. “Enough with the bullshit, okay? He’s not coming back. He’s gone off with his three buddies, and I’m sure for a while he’ll keep checking in and we’ll keep helping them with missions sometimes, and we’ll all pretend that everything’s hunky-dory.”
Teyla stepped forward, reaching out to touch Meredith’s shoulder, but Meredith shook her off, glaring at both her and Sheppard blurrily.
“And then one day he won’t check in. And we’ll look for him, sure we’ll look for him, but what’s the point because let’s face it, they’re fighting the Wraith with four fucking guys! Without any backup, or - or ships, or anything and we all know it’s only a matter of time before -”
“Shut up!” Sheppard yelled, half-screamed really, and Meredith shut up. She was struggling to breathe around the lump in her throat, and she nearly closed her eyes because Sheppard was white and furious, worse than with Elizabeth and the nanites, and Meredith didn’t want to see the punch coming.
So she froze in surprise when Jen stepped forward, bringing them toe-to-toe, and dropped her head down onto Meredith’s shoulder with a shuddering sigh. Meredith stared down at Sheppard’s spiky hair in bewilderment. They weren’t touching anywhere but at the forehead and shoulder, but they were standing so close that Meredith could feel Jen’s warmth all down the length of her body, could feel the damp heat of Jen’s breath through her cotton shirt.
Meredith looked helplessly to Teyla for some kind of cue on what to do next, and had to turn away from the stark pain on Teyla’s face. She heard Teyla breathe deeply once, twice, and then Teyla moved closer, stepped behind Jen and embraced her.
Teyla’s arms brushed against Meredith’s stomach as Teyla hugged Jen tightly, pressing herself against Jen’s stiff back and lowering her head onto Jen’s shoulder. Meredith heard Jen sigh again, felt the puff of breath on her shoulder, and decided to follow Teyla’s example. She wrapped her arms cautiously around Jen’s shoulders until her hands bumped into Teyla on the other side. Jen didn’t return the hug, but she shifted forward a bit and relaxed against Meredith’s body.
For a long moment they stood in the middle of Meredith’s quarters and breathed. It was a little awkward, and Meredith didn’t quite know where to put her hands, but she held onto Jen and listened to Teyla’s even breathing, and eventually her throat unclenched and she felt her own breathing come easily again. She could almost ignore the empty space in the room where Ronon should have been standing, his arms long enough and strong enough to wrap around all of them, to hold them all together.
They ended up lying on Meredith’s bed, squashed together and passing around a bottle of Athosian wine. She had acquired one of the new double beds a few months ago, so it wasn’t as tight a fit as it would have been on Sheppard’s asinine cot, but it still took some creative maneuvering to fit all three of them semi-comfortably. It probably didn’t really require that Meredith rest her head in Teyla’s lap, but she was willing to take one for the team.
They drank most of the bottle in silence. Meredith didn’t apologize to Jen, but she wrapped a hand around Jen’s knee and Jen only rolled her eyes, so she was pretty sure that they were okay.
The combination of the wine and the slow stroke of Teyla’s fingers through her hair was making Meredith drowsy, and her eyes were sliding closed when Jen said, “You’re right.”
“Who is right?” Teyla asked, puzzled. Meredith opened her eyes and frowned at the bleak, angry look on Jen’s face.
“Meredith’s right,” Jen said, not looking at either of them. “About Ronon.”
“Jen -” Meredith said, then couldn’t lie to her. Instead she said, “I wanted the painting as - to remember. I wasn’t - I didn’t intend to be disrespectful.”
Jen brushed her fingertips across Meredith’s palm, making her fingers curl inwards involuntarily.
“Yeah,” Jen said, “I know.” She passed the bottle of wine to Teyla and lay back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. “It seems like I’m - like we’re losing everybody.”
Meredith swallowed; impulsively, she grabbed for Jen’s hand. After a moment, Jen wrapped her slender, callused fingers around Meredith’s and let their hands rest on the bed.
“My mother once told me that it is not a matter of if we will lose the things and people we love, only a matter of when,” Teyla said softly.
Meredith stared up at Teyla. She didn’t look angry like Jen, only sad and resigned. Meredith would have preferred anger. “No offense, but that’s incredibly depressing.”
Teyla tilted her head. “It was not meant to be depressing, Meredith. Only the truth.”
“Well, the truth sucks,” Jen said. Meredith tightened her grip on her hand.
“Yes, sometimes it does,” Teyla said flatly.
They dropped into silence again, and after a while Meredith fell asleep. When she woke up in the morning, Jen’s hair was scratchy against her neck and she could hear Teyla’s whistly snores. Meredith closed her eyes and because she had no one to pray to, only inched herself a little closer to their warmth, and went back to sleep.