Emotionally jetlagged
This has been a week that feels like a month. I spent the weekend with family saying goodbye to my sister at a wonderful hospice that gave us space and quiet. On Monday I took the train back to Boston and on Tuesday was at work, which was a strange day. I had a meeting with my boss and co-worker and then later with student managers as well as catching up on some work. Being busy felt good but at the same time, I was so aware of my parents being back with Leslie. Also it was so odd that on my commute into work I passed a Massachusetts medical examiner's van, so when my parents texted me to say that the doctors said Leslie was now actively dying, I wasn't surprised. Of course she took her time and ended up dying in the evening and not the afternoon like they expected. Leslie always got to places in her own time.
Wednesday I didn't work since I knew that technically I probably could work but wouldn't truly be there. The rest of the week was strange, Thursday almost the entire day was spent trying to make something work that's been going just fine all the rest of the semester. Basically I couldn't get videos to digitize and upload like they normally do for professors. It left me so worn out at the end of the day. Then yesterday I found a solution and was quieter including everyone at work giving me a truly lovely card. I'm so grateful for all the love and care while feeling overwhelmed too. I had this plan that today I'd go to a park or a museum, something special, instead I slept in and went shopping which felt good too. Relatives in the area called and invited me over but I"m going slowly with social stuff.
One of the strange parts of saying goodbye to Leslie was all these visitors from this church she found after she started staying with my brother. Kind of New Agey, focused on healing and really great for her. They kept coming in all throughout the weekend, they brought food, two of them even played instruments and sang, but at certain points, it felt too much. Some of the too much came because of how they knew different things about our family and so at points I felt like a hostess or too many introductions and hugs from strangers, well meaning ones but strangers.
Work was a little better as I know people and there's a new temp sharing my office and she's really fun. I enjoy how she talks and her viewpoint on things, something useful to focus on. Going ahead, I'm trying my best to be gentle with myself, keep connecting and checking in with my family, my parents are planning to come up and visit at some point. Leslie's going to have two memorials; one put on my her church and then later a family one in the Spring. It really feels right to celebrate her when plants are blooming.
Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. I don't think I'll be up for replying to everyone but all your kind thoughts are precious to me.
This entry is also posted at https://ceitfianna.dreamwidth.org/479943.html. Please comment wherever you'd like.
Wednesday I didn't work since I knew that technically I probably could work but wouldn't truly be there. The rest of the week was strange, Thursday almost the entire day was spent trying to make something work that's been going just fine all the rest of the semester. Basically I couldn't get videos to digitize and upload like they normally do for professors. It left me so worn out at the end of the day. Then yesterday I found a solution and was quieter including everyone at work giving me a truly lovely card. I'm so grateful for all the love and care while feeling overwhelmed too. I had this plan that today I'd go to a park or a museum, something special, instead I slept in and went shopping which felt good too. Relatives in the area called and invited me over but I"m going slowly with social stuff.
One of the strange parts of saying goodbye to Leslie was all these visitors from this church she found after she started staying with my brother. Kind of New Agey, focused on healing and really great for her. They kept coming in all throughout the weekend, they brought food, two of them even played instruments and sang, but at certain points, it felt too much. Some of the too much came because of how they knew different things about our family and so at points I felt like a hostess or too many introductions and hugs from strangers, well meaning ones but strangers.
Work was a little better as I know people and there's a new temp sharing my office and she's really fun. I enjoy how she talks and her viewpoint on things, something useful to focus on. Going ahead, I'm trying my best to be gentle with myself, keep connecting and checking in with my family, my parents are planning to come up and visit at some point. Leslie's going to have two memorials; one put on my her church and then later a family one in the Spring. It really feels right to celebrate her when plants are blooming.
Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. I don't think I'll be up for replying to everyone but all your kind thoughts are precious to me.
This entry is also posted at https://ceitfianna.dreamwidth.org/479943.html. Please comment wherever you'd like.