Storm Tossed
Walking to and from class today was exciting as apparently there are massive thunderstorms in the area and I didn't realize it until I was too far out my door. So I was rained on both ways and I'm still wet, but it was a good excuse to do my laundry and I have tea and soon will have toast. Oddly I'm feeling shaky and I think I know why so this is going to be a rather thoughtful post for me as I get these things out there so they're not rattling around in my head.
My list of things to do is long and the main ones are about job things but they scare me the most so I quietly put them off. When I think about applying for jobs and asking for recommendations, I get scared. Its a tough market out there and I know how amazing some of my fellow classmates are and while I'm a good student, I don't know how good I am. So I do many small steps as opposed to large ones.
Also I still need to go back and get online access again so I can apply for graduation for the degree I got in New Zealand a couple of years ago and finally get a diploma from Victoria. None of these things are impossible, but I'm scared. I'm good at pretending that I'm doing okay and hiding my fear, but I am terrified. What if I don't find a job? What if the only ones I find aren't good enough? I know what I've done and that helps, but at the moment when I'm feeling storm tossed and bedraggled, I just want someone to hold me and say it'll be okay.
Another part of this is I really miss being in a relationship and having someone to connect with after class or hold me when I sleep. That's another fear I need to move past and realize that if I take chances, I'll connect.
In terms of the Monday to Monday list of goals that I was doing with spooky_lemur, I didn't manage all of them, but most of them. I like doing this and having this list on my fridge where I can check things off.
-Get my hair cut
-Go to an event in town
-Exercise twice a week
-Buy dessert twice a week if at all
-Keep walking
-Do something towards getting a job every day
-Write a fic or an OOM-doesn't have to be shared just write
My list of things to do is long and the main ones are about job things but they scare me the most so I quietly put them off. When I think about applying for jobs and asking for recommendations, I get scared. Its a tough market out there and I know how amazing some of my fellow classmates are and while I'm a good student, I don't know how good I am. So I do many small steps as opposed to large ones.
Also I still need to go back and get online access again so I can apply for graduation for the degree I got in New Zealand a couple of years ago and finally get a diploma from Victoria. None of these things are impossible, but I'm scared. I'm good at pretending that I'm doing okay and hiding my fear, but I am terrified. What if I don't find a job? What if the only ones I find aren't good enough? I know what I've done and that helps, but at the moment when I'm feeling storm tossed and bedraggled, I just want someone to hold me and say it'll be okay.
Another part of this is I really miss being in a relationship and having someone to connect with after class or hold me when I sleep. That's another fear I need to move past and realize that if I take chances, I'll connect.
In terms of the Monday to Monday list of goals that I was doing with spooky_lemur, I didn't manage all of them, but most of them. I like doing this and having this list on my fridge where I can check things off.
-Get my hair cut
-Go to an event in town
-Exercise twice a week
-Buy dessert twice a week if at all
-Keep walking
-Do something towards getting a job every day
-Write a fic or an OOM-doesn't have to be shared just write