Ouch and oh my! some new fic
Just a drabble and a short fic for everybody's amusment!
First the drabble
Title: Ouch!
Author: Ceindreadh
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Word Count: 100!
Rating: T/PG-15
Summary: Jack's side of a conversation
Warning: no spoilers, but this will make more sense if you've seen Jack in S1 Doctor Who.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Torchwood characters, I'm only borrowing them,
and I promise to return them in minty fresh condition when I'm finished.
--------------------
"I'm really sorry, Ianto," Jack called through the bathroom door. He pressed his ear close to listen to Ianto's response before replying.
"I completely forgot that I was hiding it there..."
"It could have been worse...at least it was on the lowest setting!"
"So I suppose there's no chance you letting me kiss 'it' better then?"
"Um, Ianto, I know I'm flexible, but I'm not sure that's anatomically possible...but if you come out of there then maybe we could experiment a bit..."
Jack sighed. He was really going to have to find a better place to hide his emergency blaster.
--------------
the end
and this one is slightly longer
(but just as crazy!)
Title: (moles and pimples and boils) Oh my!
Author: Ceindreadh
Characters/Pairing: Team, Jack/Ianto
Word Count: <700
Rating: T/PG-15
Summary: Jack's ass is the focus of a lot of attention
Warning: Gratuitious ass nudity, also, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for this crackfic
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Torchwood characters, I'm only borrowing them,
and I promise to return them in minty fresh condition when I'm finished.
---------------
Walking into Jack's office and finding him leaning across the desk with his bare arse in the air was not all that unusual an occurrence for Ianto. On more than one occasion Ianto had found Jack lying in wait for him like that. But after that unfortunate incident with a highly embarrassed delegate from UNIT, Jack had tended to curb his impulses slightly...at least until he was sure that he and Ianto were the only humans in the Hub.
What was unusual about this time was that the remaining three members of Torchwood were standing around apparently taking a great interest in Jack's arse. "We can't be having that now," thought Ianto, clearing his throat loudly.
"I'm telling you, it could be a mole, maybe a melanoma," said Owen, ignoring the intrusion. "Teach you to go pointing that thing at all and sundry. Quick shot of a local, you won't feel a thing!"
"Like he really wants you anywhere near his arse with a scalpel," said Gwen, taking a closer look. "And it doesn't even look like a mole. I think it's a pimple. All it needs is a good squeeze, Jack. And you can hardly have any complaints about somebody squeezing your arse now, can you?" She had her hand out as if ready to take on the task immediately.
Ianto was about to intervene - after all, if anybody was going to be squeezing Jack's arse, it would be *him*! But Toshiko got there first, swatting Gwen's hand away.
"It's a bit big to be a pimple," she said. "It looks more like it could be a boil. What you need is a nice herbal poultice to bring the swelling down. My Grandmother had a recipe she used to swear by. The trick is to make sure it's nice and hot before you apply it."
"What?" yelped Jack.
"Poultice's are so old-hat," said Owen. "If it's a boil, and I'm not saying it is, best thing for it is to just lance it." He made a swishing motion with his hand. "Get rid of it no problem."
"What is this fascination you seem to have for a meeting of sharp objects and my arse?" grumbled Jack.
"Oh he just can't wait to cut people open," snapped Gwen.
"And you clearly can't wait to get your hands on Jack's arse," snapped Owen. "In fact, as I recall, *I* was the one he called in to ask about it, you just tagged along."
"Well it's just as well, because it *clearly* isn't a mole!"
"Are you casting doubts on my ability as a Doctor?" growled Owen.
"No, but maybe you need your eyes testing!"
"Do it often enough and you'll go blind," muttered Ianto under his breath as he decided it was finally time to intervene. Out loud he said, "I think perhaps I should have a look."
"What, suddenly you're an expert on moles?" snorted Owen.
"You mean boils," muttered Tosh.
"No, but I *am* somewhat of an expert on Jack's arse," said Ianto, pushing Owen and Gwen out of the way and stepping up to the 'patient'.
He looked at the thing, which wasn't a mole or a pimple or a boil. "Oh dear," he sighed. "This isn't good."
"What? What's wrong...what is it? Can you get rid of it?" There was an audible note of panic in Jack's voice. He tried to rise, but Ianto had a hand firmly on his back.
"I should have known this would happen..." Ianto tutted disapprovingly. "Still, I think I can fix it..." He used his free hand to flick away the offending article, drawing a yelp from Jack. "But if you *will* insist on jumping me when I'm trying to load coffee into the machine, you should at least make sure to brush all the beans off yourself afterwards!"
-----------------
The End
First the drabble
Title: Ouch!
Author: Ceindreadh
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Word Count: 100!
Rating: T/PG-15
Summary: Jack's side of a conversation
Warning: no spoilers, but this will make more sense if you've seen Jack in S1 Doctor Who.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Torchwood characters, I'm only borrowing them,
and I promise to return them in minty fresh condition when I'm finished.
--------------------
"I'm really sorry, Ianto," Jack called through the bathroom door. He pressed his ear close to listen to Ianto's response before replying.
"I completely forgot that I was hiding it there..."
"It could have been worse...at least it was on the lowest setting!"
"So I suppose there's no chance you letting me kiss 'it' better then?"
"Um, Ianto, I know I'm flexible, but I'm not sure that's anatomically possible...but if you come out of there then maybe we could experiment a bit..."
Jack sighed. He was really going to have to find a better place to hide his emergency blaster.
--------------
the end
and this one is slightly longer
(but just as crazy!)
Title: (moles and pimples and boils) Oh my!
Author: Ceindreadh
Characters/Pairing: Team, Jack/Ianto
Word Count: <700
Rating: T/PG-15
Summary: Jack's ass is the focus of a lot of attention
Warning: Gratuitious ass nudity, also, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for this crackfic
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Torchwood characters, I'm only borrowing them,
and I promise to return them in minty fresh condition when I'm finished.
---------------
Walking into Jack's office and finding him leaning across the desk with his bare arse in the air was not all that unusual an occurrence for Ianto. On more than one occasion Ianto had found Jack lying in wait for him like that. But after that unfortunate incident with a highly embarrassed delegate from UNIT, Jack had tended to curb his impulses slightly...at least until he was sure that he and Ianto were the only humans in the Hub.
What was unusual about this time was that the remaining three members of Torchwood were standing around apparently taking a great interest in Jack's arse. "We can't be having that now," thought Ianto, clearing his throat loudly.
"I'm telling you, it could be a mole, maybe a melanoma," said Owen, ignoring the intrusion. "Teach you to go pointing that thing at all and sundry. Quick shot of a local, you won't feel a thing!"
"Like he really wants you anywhere near his arse with a scalpel," said Gwen, taking a closer look. "And it doesn't even look like a mole. I think it's a pimple. All it needs is a good squeeze, Jack. And you can hardly have any complaints about somebody squeezing your arse now, can you?" She had her hand out as if ready to take on the task immediately.
Ianto was about to intervene - after all, if anybody was going to be squeezing Jack's arse, it would be *him*! But Toshiko got there first, swatting Gwen's hand away.
"It's a bit big to be a pimple," she said. "It looks more like it could be a boil. What you need is a nice herbal poultice to bring the swelling down. My Grandmother had a recipe she used to swear by. The trick is to make sure it's nice and hot before you apply it."
"What?" yelped Jack.
"Poultice's are so old-hat," said Owen. "If it's a boil, and I'm not saying it is, best thing for it is to just lance it." He made a swishing motion with his hand. "Get rid of it no problem."
"What is this fascination you seem to have for a meeting of sharp objects and my arse?" grumbled Jack.
"Oh he just can't wait to cut people open," snapped Gwen.
"And you clearly can't wait to get your hands on Jack's arse," snapped Owen. "In fact, as I recall, *I* was the one he called in to ask about it, you just tagged along."
"Well it's just as well, because it *clearly* isn't a mole!"
"Are you casting doubts on my ability as a Doctor?" growled Owen.
"No, but maybe you need your eyes testing!"
"Do it often enough and you'll go blind," muttered Ianto under his breath as he decided it was finally time to intervene. Out loud he said, "I think perhaps I should have a look."
"What, suddenly you're an expert on moles?" snorted Owen.
"You mean boils," muttered Tosh.
"No, but I *am* somewhat of an expert on Jack's arse," said Ianto, pushing Owen and Gwen out of the way and stepping up to the 'patient'.
He looked at the thing, which wasn't a mole or a pimple or a boil. "Oh dear," he sighed. "This isn't good."
"What? What's wrong...what is it? Can you get rid of it?" There was an audible note of panic in Jack's voice. He tried to rise, but Ianto had a hand firmly on his back.
"I should have known this would happen..." Ianto tutted disapprovingly. "Still, I think I can fix it..." He used his free hand to flick away the offending article, drawing a yelp from Jack. "But if you *will* insist on jumping me when I'm trying to load coffee into the machine, you should at least make sure to brush all the beans off yourself afterwards!"
-----------------
The End