(no subject)
I am so sick of trying to make things better for my family. I'm constantly told how my aunt works her ass off to support us and i appreciate that, because everyone else is too lazy to get a job.
Today my stereo broke. My one link to music during the day will not work. See, i have a portable, but i dont see the point in wasting batteries at home when i have something that plugs into the wall. So that pisses me off, and i admit that i went a little overboard with my ranting and said something about the mP3 player that i still do not have. And that really got to my aunt and i guess i made her feel like she was worthless because i guess it made her think that she wasn't doing a good enough job, which wasn't my intention at all.
It became this big thing because of that and then i ended up crying so much and im crying right now just thinking of it. I dont like to hurt people's feelings and apparently i really hurt my aunt's, and all i could think was how worthless i am if i can't even keep the peace in my house. My grandma later gave me a lecture about how i can never see past what i want and ill never know the struggle. I'm trying so hard to work out my flaws and i thought that i had been getting better but im obviously not. Like housework. I enjoy doing housework, sometimes. But apparently I'm the only one who knows how to do the laundry on a regular basis. And I've cooked the past two nights, and i think im going to cook tommorrow, but nobody realizes how different this is from how i was when i moved up here.
Also, apparently i take and take but i never give, yet they always tell me how im thirteen and that i shouldnt have to do that. I want to help so that some of the burden is taken off of my aunt, and i'm sure i can find some way to sell my art to help with that. But they won't let me because it is not my responsibility. And I can't just sit here and do nothing. All i do is clean, write, draw, clean, watch the occasional TV, clean, and cook. I never talk on the phone, and i havent been out of the house seriously in weeks. I devote myself to helping this house as much as i can, and i even make my grams bed in the morning, yet they dont even notice how much they make ME feel like crap. Tonight was my breaking point, and i just can't seem to stop.
I'm sorry this was so depressing, but i really thought i was getting secure and then comes this massive bout of oppression and unhappiness, leaving me feeling like SHIT.
Today my stereo broke. My one link to music during the day will not work. See, i have a portable, but i dont see the point in wasting batteries at home when i have something that plugs into the wall. So that pisses me off, and i admit that i went a little overboard with my ranting and said something about the mP3 player that i still do not have. And that really got to my aunt and i guess i made her feel like she was worthless because i guess it made her think that she wasn't doing a good enough job, which wasn't my intention at all.
It became this big thing because of that and then i ended up crying so much and im crying right now just thinking of it. I dont like to hurt people's feelings and apparently i really hurt my aunt's, and all i could think was how worthless i am if i can't even keep the peace in my house. My grandma later gave me a lecture about how i can never see past what i want and ill never know the struggle. I'm trying so hard to work out my flaws and i thought that i had been getting better but im obviously not. Like housework. I enjoy doing housework, sometimes. But apparently I'm the only one who knows how to do the laundry on a regular basis. And I've cooked the past two nights, and i think im going to cook tommorrow, but nobody realizes how different this is from how i was when i moved up here.
Also, apparently i take and take but i never give, yet they always tell me how im thirteen and that i shouldnt have to do that. I want to help so that some of the burden is taken off of my aunt, and i'm sure i can find some way to sell my art to help with that. But they won't let me because it is not my responsibility. And I can't just sit here and do nothing. All i do is clean, write, draw, clean, watch the occasional TV, clean, and cook. I never talk on the phone, and i havent been out of the house seriously in weeks. I devote myself to helping this house as much as i can, and i even make my grams bed in the morning, yet they dont even notice how much they make ME feel like crap. Tonight was my breaking point, and i just can't seem to stop.
I'm sorry this was so depressing, but i really thought i was getting secure and then comes this massive bout of oppression and unhappiness, leaving me feeling like SHIT.