(no subject)
Do you know what it feels like to watch your lover, your soulmate, your husband walk away from you because he's simply to disgusted with you that if he stayed longer, if he'd stayed there looking at you he might have hit you?
And do you know what it feels like to completely deserve every single word he could say, every single piece of hurt he could make you feel, because none of it would make you feel the hurt you caused him?
I told Ammelie what I had done. She gave me a black eye. I don't think it's half of what I should have done to me right now.
The last few months have been the best and worst parts of my life. This at the moment? This is right at the bottom and the fact it is my fault that I hurt my love, and not only him, but My best friend, and his love.
How could I let myself hurt so deeply the people I care the most about?
This isn't me. I've never been like this. So why now?
God damn it right now I want a time Machine, I want to go back and change all of this. I want to decide it's not a good idea to get stoned with my best friend when my Husband's at the doctor because all i wanted to feel was numb.
And i'm terrified of wanting to feel numb. I feel so so afraid at the moment. I'm going to lose him. I've run away once this last month because I didn't know what to do. I'm to young, to stupid, to everything he doesn't need.
But being without him is far worse than anything I think. Until this.
he walked away from me and i walked to the room, and started packng my bag. I just. I wasn't running. I was just.. leaving And not leaving him. I was just.. going. I was letting him be happy or so my head said. I was stopping hurting him, causing him the pain I keep causing. I was leaving him with everything, because I didn't deserve to have anything. I don't know.
i'm just rambling. Rambling Rambling.
I didn't kiss him because I wanted him sexually. I didn't kiss him because i wanted anything. He's my best friend. And we're stupid stupid stupid affectionate. It was all the things we used to do in germany, get stoned, and hug and curl up and make out. And that's what we did.
And its'..FUCK.
Nothing I say will make this okay. Make this right, make anything right.
All I can say is Mark Smith is the fucking love of my life, and I will do absolutely anything i have to do to keep him, to fix this, and to stop myself screwing it all up again.
God please. I'll do anything to make this allright.
I.. he's. I woke up this morning and he was gone. And I know he's gone to scotts but it was terrifying to wake up and him not be there. I thought i'd finally pushed him away, that he'd decided mariage wasn't for us, that my stupidity had cost us everything.
I just.
Mark. Please. I'm sorry. I have never been so fucking sorry about anything in my life.
Please come home.
And do you know what it feels like to completely deserve every single word he could say, every single piece of hurt he could make you feel, because none of it would make you feel the hurt you caused him?
I told Ammelie what I had done. She gave me a black eye. I don't think it's half of what I should have done to me right now.
The last few months have been the best and worst parts of my life. This at the moment? This is right at the bottom and the fact it is my fault that I hurt my love, and not only him, but My best friend, and his love.
How could I let myself hurt so deeply the people I care the most about?
This isn't me. I've never been like this. So why now?
God damn it right now I want a time Machine, I want to go back and change all of this. I want to decide it's not a good idea to get stoned with my best friend when my Husband's at the doctor because all i wanted to feel was numb.
And i'm terrified of wanting to feel numb. I feel so so afraid at the moment. I'm going to lose him. I've run away once this last month because I didn't know what to do. I'm to young, to stupid, to everything he doesn't need.
But being without him is far worse than anything I think. Until this.
he walked away from me and i walked to the room, and started packng my bag. I just. I wasn't running. I was just.. leaving And not leaving him. I was just.. going. I was letting him be happy or so my head said. I was stopping hurting him, causing him the pain I keep causing. I was leaving him with everything, because I didn't deserve to have anything. I don't know.
i'm just rambling. Rambling Rambling.
I didn't kiss him because I wanted him sexually. I didn't kiss him because i wanted anything. He's my best friend. And we're stupid stupid stupid affectionate. It was all the things we used to do in germany, get stoned, and hug and curl up and make out. And that's what we did.
And its'..FUCK.
Nothing I say will make this okay. Make this right, make anything right.
All I can say is Mark Smith is the fucking love of my life, and I will do absolutely anything i have to do to keep him, to fix this, and to stop myself screwing it all up again.
God please. I'll do anything to make this allright.
I.. he's. I woke up this morning and he was gone. And I know he's gone to scotts but it was terrifying to wake up and him not be there. I thought i'd finally pushed him away, that he'd decided mariage wasn't for us, that my stupidity had cost us everything.
I just.
Mark. Please. I'm sorry. I have never been so fucking sorry about anything in my life.
Please come home.