Change
Looking back, I notice much change in me, some good, some bad. In high school, I was the "loser" kid, fat, low self-esteem, really smart, and alone. I took 1 chance in 4yrs, and 1 chance alone. That chance changed alot. I wasn't single anymore. Then, alot more changed, girls noticed me, people talked to me, I was becoming known, no longer was I just the kid that sat in the back of the room. By the time I graduated, I was known by over 75% off the school, which had 3500 students. Although, it was nice to be known, and talked to, I only had 1 true friend, the others were acquaintances. So, yes, it was nice while it lasted, even though I was single before I graduated, people still knew me, though I still, seemed to be that "loser" kid deep down hiding, waiting, for the ONE moment, when something would happen and break lose from the prison, of "fake" happiness.
Then, after 4 yrs, I graduate, go off to college, thus having to move from my one friend, and start the process again. That was the moment, that "loser" in me waited for. I was again, alone, living with 3 people I didn't know, in a city, I had no idea where anything was, at a school that made my highschool looks small, for me that was scary. Though, I was a panzyass, and had absolutely NO self esteem now, my roommmates, helped me out, they showed me around, and got me to relax and chill a bit.
I was still that "loser" but, I wasn't as alone. I was starting to get friends, little did I know, that they were true friends. After a few semesters, I grew to deeply care about someone, that looked to me for relief, for vent, for advice. I gave this and much more, not only was I putting thought, but true emotion, and care into what I said. As I grew, emotionally, and physically, I was growing to be cocky, more then 10 women, would come to me, for help. Apparently, word got out, that I was wise beyond my age, and I listened, to what they said. This however as much as I liked, still kept me single. Women, looked at me, as a friend, a confidant, a guardian of secrets, but never as one to share, those moments, together with. I did date while in college, don't get me wrong, but the 3 girls I dated, all cheated... all lied.... all took me down from, a normal, starting to become happy, to a "loser" once again. Then again, the one girl I cared about, yet nothing came of, brought me back out of that hole. She listened, she helped, she cared; we changed roles in each others lives, she listened while I vented. only once I graduated, did that pathetic side of me, surface once again.
Now, 2yrs after graduation, I still battle daily, with trying my hardest to stay happy, stay calm, stay focused. However, the life that I live, is mundane, boring, annoying, I work, I sleep, I work, I go online.... same old shit. I have no ambition, I have no reasoning, I have no thoughts. The future is blank, always has been, always will be, for a single choice makes a change in the future. I need something to change, however, it is not something I can simply change, something has to happen, to force this change. I welcome this change, I welcome the forces that be, I am ready, or so I feel. I know things can always be worth, and am grateful, for what I have.
My friends, that I have, Stephanie, Amber, Scotty, Josh, Drew, Jared, Mikey, Julien, Sean, Chris... all good friends, that I trust. They help me everyday, and never really know it, just talking ... helps to settle a restless spirit. Thank you guys, so much you're great for being there. I know I can always, expect someone to just listen, and be like dude... wtf... or wtv...lol. Well it's 6:35am, I just got home from work, and figured I'd finish writing this before I forgot about it.
Dos Veidonya, Mikel.
Then, after 4 yrs, I graduate, go off to college, thus having to move from my one friend, and start the process again. That was the moment, that "loser" in me waited for. I was again, alone, living with 3 people I didn't know, in a city, I had no idea where anything was, at a school that made my highschool looks small, for me that was scary. Though, I was a panzyass, and had absolutely NO self esteem now, my roommmates, helped me out, they showed me around, and got me to relax and chill a bit.
I was still that "loser" but, I wasn't as alone. I was starting to get friends, little did I know, that they were true friends. After a few semesters, I grew to deeply care about someone, that looked to me for relief, for vent, for advice. I gave this and much more, not only was I putting thought, but true emotion, and care into what I said. As I grew, emotionally, and physically, I was growing to be cocky, more then 10 women, would come to me, for help. Apparently, word got out, that I was wise beyond my age, and I listened, to what they said. This however as much as I liked, still kept me single. Women, looked at me, as a friend, a confidant, a guardian of secrets, but never as one to share, those moments, together with. I did date while in college, don't get me wrong, but the 3 girls I dated, all cheated... all lied.... all took me down from, a normal, starting to become happy, to a "loser" once again. Then again, the one girl I cared about, yet nothing came of, brought me back out of that hole. She listened, she helped, she cared; we changed roles in each others lives, she listened while I vented. only once I graduated, did that pathetic side of me, surface once again.
Now, 2yrs after graduation, I still battle daily, with trying my hardest to stay happy, stay calm, stay focused. However, the life that I live, is mundane, boring, annoying, I work, I sleep, I work, I go online.... same old shit. I have no ambition, I have no reasoning, I have no thoughts. The future is blank, always has been, always will be, for a single choice makes a change in the future. I need something to change, however, it is not something I can simply change, something has to happen, to force this change. I welcome this change, I welcome the forces that be, I am ready, or so I feel. I know things can always be worth, and am grateful, for what I have.
My friends, that I have, Stephanie, Amber, Scotty, Josh, Drew, Jared, Mikey, Julien, Sean, Chris... all good friends, that I trust. They help me everyday, and never really know it, just talking ... helps to settle a restless spirit. Thank you guys, so much you're great for being there. I know I can always, expect someone to just listen, and be like dude... wtf... or wtv...lol. Well it's 6:35am, I just got home from work, and figured I'd finish writing this before I forgot about it.
Dos Veidonya, Mikel.