to be or not to be...
thats the question, is it not? well... i don't know if i'm going to be with henry or not. i guess it's kind of scary to think that i won't have him anymore, because i love the boy. love him.
but, i realize that not everything is all happy and smiles. and it's always better to have experienced him than to not have had him at all. yet, in the back of my mind, i think i'm making a mistake. a mistake that i will probably never get to take back. i don't know. i wish there was a manual for this kind of shyt. i broke the poor guy's heart. i don't deserve to have any voice in this decision whatsoever. if anything, i can make it easier, and just walk away from him. but to walk away from this is harder than i thought.
our one year anniversary is on the 24th. i was going to fly him down the weekend after. but now.. well maybe that can wait. if i see him, i won't be able to leave him. and im not even sure that i can do that right now. but it's kind of sinking in that it's the next step. logically it's illogical. it's like a homework assignment that you know you have to do, but don't even want to start thinking about. i really don't want to leave him. but i know i have to. and we talk about it. and talk about it. and accomplish nothing.
i wish it wasn't such a big issue. i mean, he should understand. he's a man. that's what men do. they cheat. so why doesn't he? he's allowed to. and plus, i manned up. i told him what i did. i guess that's not enough. i guess when guys cheat...it's okay to forgive them. but when women cheat... they're just skanky whores. end of story. am i a skanky whore? maybe if you don't know me. i just think that i think like a man. men are not up on a pedestal for me. they are like toys almost. im amazed that i had to get stuck with the one sensitive guy in the planet! ugh. that's what i love about him though. it's ironic almost because i'm attracted to these super manly guys but im dating a boy that cries more than i do. (which is alot). hmm. i love him so much though, just because of that. i love him because i can break him. and see, that's not good. i wonder why it hurts so much to be in this relationship. i wonder why i cant up and walk away. and i wonder how im going to live without him...
wun
but, i realize that not everything is all happy and smiles. and it's always better to have experienced him than to not have had him at all. yet, in the back of my mind, i think i'm making a mistake. a mistake that i will probably never get to take back. i don't know. i wish there was a manual for this kind of shyt. i broke the poor guy's heart. i don't deserve to have any voice in this decision whatsoever. if anything, i can make it easier, and just walk away from him. but to walk away from this is harder than i thought.
our one year anniversary is on the 24th. i was going to fly him down the weekend after. but now.. well maybe that can wait. if i see him, i won't be able to leave him. and im not even sure that i can do that right now. but it's kind of sinking in that it's the next step. logically it's illogical. it's like a homework assignment that you know you have to do, but don't even want to start thinking about. i really don't want to leave him. but i know i have to. and we talk about it. and talk about it. and accomplish nothing.
i wish it wasn't such a big issue. i mean, he should understand. he's a man. that's what men do. they cheat. so why doesn't he? he's allowed to. and plus, i manned up. i told him what i did. i guess that's not enough. i guess when guys cheat...it's okay to forgive them. but when women cheat... they're just skanky whores. end of story. am i a skanky whore? maybe if you don't know me. i just think that i think like a man. men are not up on a pedestal for me. they are like toys almost. im amazed that i had to get stuck with the one sensitive guy in the planet! ugh. that's what i love about him though. it's ironic almost because i'm attracted to these super manly guys but im dating a boy that cries more than i do. (which is alot). hmm. i love him so much though, just because of that. i love him because i can break him. and see, that's not good. i wonder why it hurts so much to be in this relationship. i wonder why i cant up and walk away. and i wonder how im going to live without him...
wun