In Our Own Skins: Morgan
Title: In Our Own Skins (7/8)
Author: ceecee_05
Rating: R (this chapter contains swearing, and disturbing content)
Characters/Pairings (In this chapter): Morgan, Arthur, Mordred, Uther (mentions of Gwen, Merlin, Gwaine, Elaine, Lance, Hunith, and sadly Balinor in a negative light)
Spoilers: NONE
Disclaimer: MERLIN's not mine, just the grammatical errors
Summary: Morgan knows who she is, but sometimes guilt can change people.
Author's notes: This is the second last chapter of the story. Be forewarned that I'm the only one who's edited this. I apologize in advance for any errors.
Morgan
So here I am for another pointless day at Camelot. I don't much care for College, but Uther's adamant I get a good education. Although unlike Arthur I choose my own courses. Many people would find it strange, but I'm actually interested in becoming a pediatrician. Do I go around telling people things like that? Of course not! I have a reputation to maintain.
"Hey Morgan!"
I briefly stop to stare at the girl before continuing on my way to the common room. Her name escapes me, but I think she's in my biology class. She looked a little upset that I barely acknowledged her, but what was she expecting me to do? I don't know her, and I'm not about to pretend that we're mates when we aren't.
I casually make my way into the common room, and sit down at a table with a few girls I tolerate here and there. To me they're nothing more than brainless twats that I use to further my own desires. I know it's thinking things like that which make people judge me harshly, but really it's just me being honest. I'm not mates with these girls. We're all simply together out of convenience.
"Morgan, oh my gosh!"
"Did you hear the rumour going around?"
"Supposedly Gwen went and got herself knocked up with some bastard kid!"
No I hadn't heard anything about that, and the fact that I hadn't started this rumour about my ex-best mate is making me consider the possibility that there is some truth to it.
"You don't think it's Arthur's do you?"
"God I hope not!"
"He could do some much better. I mean yeah he's younger, but I'd shag him."
I laugh at the utter stupidity of these girls, and make no attempt to hide it behind a fake cough. Arthur would never lower himself enough to go after one of these three idiots even if you paid him. Gwen's the best choice Arthur will ever make, and he knows it.
"Or maybe it's Lance's, or even Gwaine's?"
"Yeah, I think it's probably Lance's kid. She dated him for years."
"Yeah, but after they split up she was always with Gwaine, and he's fit as hell!"
I know for a fact that if Gwen's pregnant it's going to be with Arthur's child. She and Lance never had sex, and contrary to what everyone believes about Gwaine he isn't the type to hurt people he cares about. Ever since I first met him at a family Christmas dinner about seven years ago he's been this protective figure in Arthur's life. So I'm quite positive that the only person left would be Arthur. I know Gwen. She wouldn't sleep with anyone she doesn't care about, and besides Lance Arthur's the only one she's ever had strong feelings for; even if she never admitted them to me out loud.
"Don't you three have anything else to talk about?"
I'm getting pretty tired of their pointless dribble, and I don't like them trying to unintentionally probe into Arthur's personal life. He may be a major pain in my arse at times, but he's practically my brother.
I smirk when they each shut their mouths in shock. I still don't understand why I expect more from people I refer to as my minions.
"Yeah of course Morgan! We've got loads more to talk about."
"Like everyone's calling Gwen a major bitch because of what you told us to say about her."
"At first a lot of people didn't believe it, but we've finally got the majority of Camelot thinking she's an evil slag."
I don't feel as happy as I thought I would at the news. I've been spending months trying to slander Gwen's good name, and now that I have I feel kind of guilty about it. Gwen was the only girl who ever tried to actually be a friend to me, and for a while I did think of her as my mate, but I guess things change.
I've done a lot of fucked up things to Gwen in my life, and most of it she hadn't deserved. I don't pretend to be this incredibly nice person, and because of that people don't usually like me, but they do fear me. Gwen's the complete opposite, so I should have realized much earlier on that we would never stay friends for long.
I hesitantly look up and observe Gwen. She's seated across from Gwaine in an area not too far from where Arthur, Merlin, and that new blond girl are sitting. As usual Lance is nowhere to be found; probably mopping alone somewhere. I didn't force myself on him, and if he really wanted to he could have overpowered me, but he didn't. I harbor no guilt because it was a choice he made, and it is a choice he will have to live with for the rest of his life.
I quickly note that Gwen does look different. She's certainly put on a bit of weight, but nothing too noticeable, and she's quite literally glowing. Damn! I think Gwen's actually pregnant, and Arthur better be careful because his father will not react sensibly when he finds out.
Gwen's eyes meet mine, and I have to fight every instinct in my body that wants to look away. I won't feel guilty or sad for the way things ended between us. I loved her like a sister for years, but she took the one thing I've always wanted, and I can't forgive that. All my life people have been walking in and out like a revolving door, yet none of them really understand me. He's the only one that gets me, and he only wants her.
I sneer at Gwen, and she immediately turns away with her head held high. I'm a little proud of her for displaying such indifference, but obviously she'll never know that.
My eyes stray to the reason why I can't fight my bitter feelings of resentment towards Gwen. The one person who always seems more important than everyone else in my life, but doesn't care.
As usual his eyes are on Gwen, and I take the moment to gaze upon him. His black hair is a little damp and messy as if he hadn't bothered combing it after he got out of the shower, but it makes him look good. His eyes are so strikingly blue against his long dark lashes and pale skin that I take a sharp breath to calm my racing heart. I love the adoring smile in his eyes, and I just wish he would look at me with them the way he looks at Gwen. His mouth holds no emotion whatsoever, but it rarely does. As children we had kissed each other often, but as we grew older, and his fondness for Gwen got stronger, he quickly stopped showering me with affection. At first I'd thought it had been something I'd done, but then he'd told me about his feelings for Gwen. From that moment on I was conflicted in regards to my friendship with Gwen. She was my best mate, but because of her I was losing my soul mate. I didn't just all of sudden want her to suffer, but gradually my bitterness grew, and with it so did my jealousy.
"Morgan!"
"Morgan, are you listening?"
"Morgan, did you hear what we said?"
"MY GOD! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
I watch with open glee as my 'mates' quickly shut their annoying mouths. The room goes eerily silent after my words, and I can practically feel the eyes of every person on me. Luckily for me I know how to entertain a crowd.
"Do the three of you always have to talk at the same time, and finish each others sentences? I mean sometimes listening to all of you is like nails being scraped on a fucking chalkboard, and don't get me started on the nonsense that passes through your lips. Watching you three come up with something intelligent to say is like watching paint dry. You're basically bored out of your skull, and never expect anything all that amazing afterward."
I sigh dramatically just to make myself appear more frustrated than I really am, and have to stop myself from actually bowing at my wonderful performance. I smile to my audience, but it wanes a little at the sight of Arthur and his posse. Gwen's basically ignoring me, and because of Merlin's sickly state I can clearly see a faint blush tint his cheeks as if he's embarrassed of me. Gwaine and the blond girl watch me with open disgust, and Arthur looks at me with pity. I don't know why Arthur pities me, but he shouldn't. I'm the most revered person in this entire school, yet the pitiful look in his eyes still succeeds in making me feel foolish.
"I don't want to have to hear from either of you for a while. Is that clear?"
I don't feel sorry for the things I said to them, and Arthur can't make me feel guilty when I have nothing to be guilty about. These girls are the pitiful ones.
"Yeah okay Morgan."
The other two look ready to say something, but one look from me and they simply nod their heads instead. I calmly make my way from the common room and towards the exit doors to the school. I don't want to be here anymore, and not even a lecture from Uther later tonight is going to deter me from leaving.
"Morgan, Morgan stop!"
My legs freeze, and my body shivers at the sound of his voice. Why did he come after me?
"Go away Mordred. I don't need another lecture on treating others with respect from you."
I continue to the car park, and my black Aston Martin Vanquish. When I finally make it to the car I look back to the entrance doors of Camelot, but like I expected, Mordred is gone.
-o-
I don't spend the day doing much. I'm not really in the mood to be around people, so I decide to just go back to the Pendragon Manor. The maids can't say anything to me, and Uther will know I missed College regardless, so really it doesn't matter where I go. I do a little studying because I don't want to fall behind in my classes, and then watch a sappy movie - sadly romantic comedies are a bit of a guilty pleasure of mine. The idea of having someone love you so much that they'd risk everything for you is something I know I'll never have, but it's nice to fantasize about it every once in a while.
When Arthur loudly stomps into his room around four I'm tempted to leave him be, but I can't. My relationship with Arthur is dysfunctional, but it's still the only real relationship I have left. Uther and I have always had an understanding, but he's just the man who allows me to sleep in his home, and spend his money. I barely see him because he works so often, and when I do he always says or does something to piss me off. I may not be very good at showing my feelings, but I make it clear that I don't like it when Uther demeans Arthur. Even admitting it to myself is difficult, but through the years I've always cared about Arthur. He's been like a brother to me. After everything with Gwen he hasn't completely shut me out like everyone else. Yeah he says things here and there about me being a bitch, or an evil harpie, but we've always had that sort of relationship.
I can tell Arthur's in a foul mood, and what kind of sisterly figure would I be if I didn't try to make things worse?
I don't know why I feel like I need to push people to their breaking points, but Mordred always said it's my way of testing how much a person loves me. If they stay even after I push them to the extreme then to me that means they truly love me - clearly Gwen didn't really love me. He also said it was because of what my excuse for parents did to me, but that was obvious.
Once I reach Arthur's door I don't take the time to knock. I never have.
God his room always reminds me of fucking Gryffindor because it has so much damn red and gold. Fucking Potter wannabe!
"What the hell Morgan! Did you ever consider the possibility that I could have been naked?"
He quickly slams his laptop shut, and it briefly crosses my mind that he may have been wanking, but I doubt it. I've seen his face when I've caught him wanking off, a little sweaty and as red as his stupid painted walls from embarrassment, but no this is a different face. I wonder what he was doing before I barged in. Maybe Gwen related? Uther had basically told me to spy on Arthur, and make sure he doesn't have anything to do with Gwen. Of course I agreed to do as he'd asked, but really I couldn't give a fuck what Arthur and Gwen do. Besides, I heard what Uther said he'd do to Gwen if Arthur even spoke to her, and I'm not going to help him get her put in care.
"Oh lets not play coy Arthur. You and I both know you don't have anything I haven't seen already."
"God will you just shut up! That's the last thing I want to hear coming from you."
He looks like he's about to be sick, and I can't hold in the small chuckle that passes from my lips. Damn I hate it when Arthur manipulates me into putting my guard down. I just don't feel so spiteful around him, and I don't like it. I don't want to have to rely on anyone, but somehow Arthur's able to make me a more bearable person.
"Well Morgan is there a reason you just barged into my room like you were welcome?"
He's looking at me expectantly as I completely enter his room, and quietly shut the door behind me.
"I just wanted to see if you'd heard the news around Camelot these days."
"Right because I care so much about the daily gossip of a few bored teenagers."
He actually looks a little affronted, but I only smile in return. I have to make myself appear like I'm enjoying this, even if I'm not. Can't have Arthur thinking I actually care.
"Even if it's about your precious Guinevere?"
That immediately gets Arthur's attention, and he jumps from his chair, and quickly strides over to me with a scowl on his face.
"What you mean the things about her being a horrible evil bitch that slags around with any man that will have her? I heard those already, and I have it on good authority that you started them."
"Oh Arthur, you can't believe everything you hear."
He grabs my arm hard enough to bruise, but I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing me falter. I'm a better actress than anyone gives me credit for, and he won't see the guilt I feel for what I did to Gwen's reputation.
"No I mean the rumour about her being pregnant, and either you, Gwaine, or Lance being her child's father."
His grip on my arm loosens, and he quickly turns away from me. So it's just as I thought, Gwen is pregnant.
"I don't know how that one started, but…"
"I know Lance and Gwen never slept together, and I doubt Gwaine would betray either of you like that, so that only leaves one other person. I've known Gwen a long time, and she wouldn't just drop her knickers for anyone."
"Don't talk about her like that!"
My smile widens when I see the vein protruding from his now rosy forehead. He's so angry it's startling. He must really love Gwen, and subconsciously my blood boils with even more envy.
"So when do you plan on telling your father about the new grandchild he should be expecting in a few months time? I guess I should start planning a baby shower for Gwen because I'm practically the auntie."
"You will have nothing to do with my child, and if I have my way the baby won't even know you exist."
I remind myself that Arthur and I aren't actually siblings, but for some reason the thought hurts. We've practically been raised like family since I was brought to his front door as a child. My poker face falters for only a second, but Arthur catches it.
"Morgan I'm sorry. I didn't…Are you going to tell my father?"
"No, unlike you I'm not your father's puppet."
"I'm not…"
"You know Arthur I always thought you were different than him. You were always a little boy who wanted to help people. Always wanted to be the hero who swept in and saved the day, but one day you'll realize that you may be the hero, but not every hero gets his happily ever after."
I have nothing left to say to him, so I calmly make my way to his door.
"What happened to you Morgan?"
My hand stills on the knob, but as the tears quietly fall down my face I realize that my composure has crumbled, and I can't let him see that.
"I stopped being an ignorant little girl, and realized the truth. People can't be trusted, and they'll only succeed in hurting you."
I don't wait for a response from Arthur as I quickly leave his room with tears now falling freely down my face. He just doesn't understand! I don't want to always be so angry, but I can't make it go away. I'm always angry, jealous, or proud; basically I embody all seven deadly sins on a daily basis. I blame my parents for what I've become. My hate for them has made it so difficult for me to trust anyone. I thought they loved me, but if they did how could they just leave me here?
I've only ever told Gwen and Mordred what my parents did to me, but I'm sure Uther told Arthur because he never asks about my family. I'm sure they laughed about the stupid little girl who believed her parents when they told her that they would be back for her on that first day she came to the Pendragon Manor. What a foolish child I had been. They never came back, and to this day I don't know where they are, but I hope they're dead somewhere. At least if they're dead they'd have an excuse for not coming back.
I slam the door to my room, and run to my bed. I lay there for what feels like hours just staring at the dark green walls as the light from the sun slowly diminishes. I hate myself when I cry. I'm not that weak little girl anymore waiting for a fairytale that will never come true. I'm stronger, and now I know that the only really strong characters in those stories were the villains. Those women were able to depend on themselves, and never needed anyone else. The witches held all the power.
I fumble to open the drawer at my bedside in just the moonlight, but after years of practice I'm finally able to unlock it in a couple minutes. I'm a very private person, and I make sure that only I have access to my personal effects. The key to this drawer always hangs around my neck unless I'm showering, or partaking in other enjoyable physical activities.
I quickly dig underneath a few papers with poems I've written until I reach the secret compartment on the bottom. I momentarily hesitate when I feel the cold steel across my fingertips. I haven't resorted to cutting myself in a while. I didn't even cut myself after the conversation Mordred and I shared when the rumours about my tryst with Lance started, and that really hadn't been a friendly chat. Since my fallout with Gwen Mordred's done a fairly good job of avoiding me, and that really hurt me, so why is it only now that I feel like I need this again?
I slowly remove the blade from its soft velvet wrapping. It was an online purchase I'd made on a whim about six years ago when my anger finally started to get to me. I used a maid's credit card to order it, and then had her sign for it when the package came. I was at a very low point, and felt too superior for something as common as a razor blade like I'd heard others used. I was Morgan Fay, so I thought I deserved the best. Looking back it doesn't really make any sense that I'd gone to all that trouble, but it was something I thought I'd needed to do.
I lift it towards my face, and my eyes are immediately transfixed by the way the knife catches the soft glow of the moonlight. It truly is a stunning piece of artwork. A gold handle with intricate patterns and jewels engraved on it, and a smooth, but sharp blade that will cut deep without much prodding. Even after so much neglect it still shines like new.
I laugh quietly to myself, and fall back to my bed with the knife clutched tightly in my hands. Soon the sound of my laughter becomes so maniacal that for a second I think I've finally gone mental; I must have. All I can think about is finally cutting so deep that I'll never last the night. Uther and Arthur never come to my room just to check on me, and the maids won't risk entering without permission until late afternoon, so if I want to I can finally end all my pain and suffering. Like me my feelings of inadequacy would no longer exist.
I can feel tears on my face again, but my laughter doesn't subside. How can I be so sad, but yet so happy all at once?
I go back and forth with how I should place the knife on my right wrist. Horizontally and it will temporarily numb the pain, but vertically and then there will be no more pain at all.
No one will miss me, so why should I even hesitate? Arthur's just like everyone else. He puts up with me because I'm his father's reminder to the general public that he can be a kind man. Gwen never really cared. She just used me to get closer to Arthur. Merlin and Gwaine could care less if something happened to me, and I know Lance would dance on my grave because then he won't be visibly reminded of the time he fucked me anymore. Mordred…I'd like to think he'd be sad, but he'll still have his family and Gwen to busy himself with. After a few years I'm sure he'll barely even remember me.
Alright so this is it. I place the knife over my wrist vertically, and briefly wonder whether or not I should leave some kind of note, but who would care to read it?
I quickly stuff one of my tops in my mouth to muffle the sound of my scream. I don't want anyone walking in on…
"Morgan? Are you in here? One of the maids said you were in your room. I wanted to talk…"
I quickly drop the knife to the floor in shock, spit out the top in my mouth, and try to blink away the stinging sensation in my eyes because of the bright fluorescent light. What is he doing here?
"What the hell do you think you're doing Mordred?"
I keep my eyes focused on the knife at my feet, and away from the accusation I know will be in his large blue eyes.
"What the hell do you think you're playing at Morgan?"
My hard exterior crumbles for a moment at his words, but I quickly collect myself.
"Since when do you care about anything I do? Recently I haven't done anything to your unrequited love, so I really don't see why you're bothering me. You've made it quite clear these past few months that you want nothing to do with me. Don't pretend to care when we both know you couldn't give a fuck about me!"
I try to sound as menacing as I can, but Mordred's penetrating gaze sees right through me. He always does. He understands me better than anyone, and I love and hate him all once because of that.
"Don't fucking start that with me Morgan! You promised me you'd never do that shit to yourself again! Told me that you realized how stupid it was to hurt yourself like that."
He's making me feel weak, and I don't like it. I was just trying to take away the pain. No matter what I do it never goes away, and I can't deal with it anymore!
"I know that I've been a crap mate to you Morgan, but contrary to what you may believe I do care about you. I was wrong to say most of the things I said to you the last time we spoke, but I was angry, and you know I say a lot of fucked up things when I'm mad. It's not an excuse, and I'm sorry okay. I just…I can't see you go through this again."
Mordred slowly takes my hand in his, and gently pulls me up into his arms. I willingly let him hold me, and rest my head on his shoulder. I want to cry, but I don't want to look any weaker than I already do.
"You shouldn't hurt yourself because of anyone Morgan. They aren't worth it. Not me, not your parents, no one."
Why aren't I good enough? What's so wrong with me?
I hold him tighter, and just allow myself to finally cry openly.
"You were too good for them Morgan, and I won't ever abandon you like they did. You have to know that no matter what happens between us we'll always be mates? Just please don't hurt yourself like this anymore. I couldn't bear to lose you."
I'm used to being on my own. Abandonment is something I've had to deal with since my parents left me. I always told myself that it's stupid to care about people because no one will ever really care about you, and that I don't need to waste my time loving people that don't love me.
"Come with me Mordred. It's the last month of College, and after we're done we can go anywhere we want. Together we can just leave Albion and never come back?"
I bury my head deeper into his shoulder, and finally feel peaceful for the first time in years. The idea of just being free of Albion, and all the painful memories this place holds over me would be wonderful, but getting to leave with Mordred at my side. I…I can't imagine anything better.
"You know I can't Morgan."
I choke down my tears, and try to free myself from his grasp, but Mordred holds me tighter.
"Merlin's in remission right now, but his cancer could come back at any moment. I can't just leave my Mum to take care of him on her own. I won't abandon my family the way my father did, so please don't make this a choice between you and them."
My tears turn into heavy sobs, and I silently whimper into Mordred's black shirt. I know he can hear me crying, but he doesn't say anything more, just continues to hold me as I smear my mascara all over his clothes. I'm not crying because I know he won't leave his family, but because there's no one besides Mordred who I thought would ever choose me first.
"There's no point in making you choose because I already know you'd pick them first, and you should. They're your family, and you'll always love them more than anything or anyone else."
I can hear the quiver in my voice, and it makes me angry. I'm acting like such a stupid girl.
He slowly pulls away from me, and hesitantly rubs his hand over my cheek. He hasn't been this intimate with me in a while, and I know he's afraid I'll turn away from him.
"No Morgan. I don't want you to ask me because I'm not sure I'd be able to choose them over you. We've always just understood each other. I…I've never had to explain myself to you, and you accept me even with my many faults. My mother loves me, but she sees too much of my father in me, and it scares her. Merlin and I have never had the best relationship. Hell he looks at Arthur Pendragon as more of a brother than he does me. The people I associate with barely know me because I don't care to actually talk to them. You're the only one who just…fuck I don't know! We just work."
He finally separates himself from me and walks to the other side of my room. I want to kiss him, and slap him all at once. Why is he doing this to me? Why does he always have to say something that keeps me tethered to him like this?
"What about the love of your life? You can't help but choose Gwen over me."
I know it's a dangerous question to ask, especially to Mordred. Like me he's not really able to properly get his feelings out.
"I'm not good for Gwen. She's…she's too…I'm darkness, and she's light. The two are always separated for a reason. I've hurt her enough. After that night, after what I did to her…I'll never go near her again. I watch her to remember how much of a monster I am, and the evil I'm capable of."
I bow my head so as to avoid his eyes. I don't want him to know how disgusted I still am by what he did. Gwen didn't deserve to be raped.
"LOOK AT ME MORGAN! Don't hide your disgust from me. You should feel disgusted by me. I deserve to be punished for what I did to her, but I'm too much of a coward to tell the coppers."
"You were drunk Mordred. You weren't thinking straight. You didn't mean to hurt her. I know you didn't because you're a better person then you give yourself credit for, and I love you so much."
"Well you're a fool Morgan because being drunk doesn't give anyone the right to rape someone. I may not have been completely sane at the time, but I knew what I was doing. I knew that this was the only time I would ever be able to touch her. At first I was just going to kiss her, but then after I did I couldn't stop kissing her. Before I knew it we were both naked, and oh god!"
I watch him fall to the floor weeping and my heart breaks for him, but he did this to himself. I love him so much, but what he did to Gwen was wrong, so very wrong.
"After everything I…I just panicked."
"Mordred stop, please just stop."
At this point I'm crying along with him, and I move to sit in front of him so I can try to get him to calm down. He's shaking profusely, and I don't know what to do.
"No, no I want you to know exactly what kind of man you love. I stopped last time, and I shouldn't have. I should have told you everything when I first told you what I did to her. When I do the very sight of me will finally repulse you as much as it does me."
"Mordred"
"I panicked so I took Gwaine from the couch and moved him onto the bed with her. I took off all his clothes, and threw the remains of the condom on the bed before throwing it to the side. I put the blame on someone else because I couldn't handle her ever knowing it was me. She already looks at me with such disgust, and I didn't want her to hate me, but she deserves to hate me for what I did to her."
I wrap my arms around Mordred's hunched figure, and try to forget the things he's just told me. I didn't know the details of what happened that night, and I truly never wanted to. Though now that I do I'm rightfully appalled by what Mordred did, but I still can't help loving him.
"I'm just like my father Morgan. I take advantage of women, and I hurt them."
"Mordred I don't understand? What does your father have to do with anything?"
He doesn't look at me, but I watch him as his eyes dart in every direction but mine. I know he's trying to decide whether or not he should tell me what's on his mind, judging the importance of me knowing against not knowing. He always used to do this when we were younger and he wanted to tell me a secret.
"My father used to force himself on my Mum. Late at night after Merlin was already sleeping I used to hear her trying to unsuccessfully stifle her screams. My room was closest to my parents, and I knew she didn't want to risk the chance that Merlin or I would wake up, but I always heard. He'd come home drunk off his arse, and hit her to wake up, and then he would yell at her to get on her hands and knees. If she didn't do what he wanted quick enough he'd threaten to hurt me and Merlin. The night he finally left for good was only because I tried to kill him."
"Oh my god, Mordred!"
"One night I went into my parent's room after they were sleeping, and put a pillow over his head. He was still clumsy because of all the alcohol he'd been drinking, so he didn't put up much of a fight, but Mum woke up and stopped me before I could actually kill him. After that she got a restraining order against my father, and we both agreed not to tell Merlin anything about it."
"Why didn't you ever tell me any of this? Mordred you know you could have told me. I wouldn't have told anyone."
"I know you wouldn't have said anything Morgan, it wasn't about that. I just couldn't…I didn't want anyone to ever know. I didn't want you to know that I was sired by a man who repeatedly hurt women, and threatened the lives of his children as a means to get what he wanted. It's no wonder I'm so fucked up, but thankfully not Merlin. I made sure that Merlin had a better life than I did, but all the same I envied his ignorance."
I understood exactly what he meant. Gwen and I had both been abandoned by our parents - her situation much crueler than mine, yet she hadn't become as jaded to the world as I had. Why was it that I became cynical and pessimistic while she grew more humble and caring? It's so hard to truly love people properly when you also resent them.
"So you see Morgan I never truly loved Gwen, I was obsessed with the idea of her. If I'd loved her I never would have hurt her, and ultimately that's why I stay away from you. The two of us together we'd just hurt each other too much, and I…"
Mordred and I startle when the door is thrown open, and Arthur charges towards us like a bull. I can feel Mordred push me out of the way, but I barely register what's happening before Arthur's knocked Mordred's head into the ground. I can see them rolling around on the floor hitting each other frantically, but I'm frozen on the other side of the room, and it feels like my mouth has been glued shut.
Eventually Arthur lands a really hard punch to Mordred's face and gets the upper hand.
"You were the one that raped Guinevere! You put your filthy hands on her, and took advantage of someone that innocent and kind."
I just watch with tears pouring down my face as Arthur throws punch after punch at Mordred. By this point his face is just a mess of red, and Arthur's hand appears and disappears like a bloodied blur.
"Arthur, Arthur STOP! Get off him. You'll kill him if you don't stop!"
My voice is working, but my body still refuses to move.
"I should kill him for what he did to her. She's never hurt ANYONE, and you…"
I can see Arthur trying to wipe the tears from his eyes without getting too much blood on his face. Mordred's breathing, but he's coughing up so much blood that I'm scared he'll die.
"Please Arthur. Mordred made a mistake, and I know it's unforgivable what he did to Gwen, but he's sorry. If you continue what you're doing they'll throw you in jail Arthur, and your future will be spent locked in a prison cell."
"He's sorry"
"Yes Arthur he's sorry, and he hates himself for what he did to her. Think about your child. Do you really want them to come into the world while you're locked away?"
Arthur's eyes peer into my own, and the cold look he's giving me makes me tremble. There's blood covering his entire upper body, and I can practically feel the heat of his rage from where I'm sitting. I quickly realize that Arthur is beyond reason right now.
"I came to your room because I heard Mordred yelling, and I was worried about you. Can you believe that? I was worried about a heartless bitch who doesn't care about anyone but a sick fuck who raped a woman that wanted nothing to do with him. We've had our problems Morgan, but as I look at you now you're nothing but a stranger to me."
"Arthur..."
"Do you really hate her so much?"
I cower away from Arthur's eyes, and stare at Mordred's limp body underneath him. I don't condone what Mordred did to Gwen, but I can't just stop loving the boy who always tried so hard to put a smile on my face, or always took the time to make sure I felt like I mattered.
"I don't hate Gwen. If anything I envy her because she's so loved. I'm angry all the time Arthur, and I hate it, but I can't stop feeling this way. Everyone has someone but me. Don't you see that?"
I feel like a nob expressing myself like this, but if the truth will help Mordred I'll spend hours revealing my deepest darkest secrets, and willingly pour out my soul to Arthur.
"You had me, you had Gwen, you had Merlin, you had Gwaine, but you left us Morgan. I loved you like you were my very blood, but after tonight the simple sight of you sickens me. I never want to see your face again."
"Arthur, you don't mean that. You're just angry right now. We've been like siblings for years. You just don't understand the situation."
I slowly crawl towards him, and he scowls at me the closer I get. I'm surprised at how hurt I am by Arthur's dismissal, but once he understands everything will be fine again. I just need to get him to listen to me.
"Arthur…"
"I don't want to hear anything you have to say Morgan. He has to pay for what he did to her."
He quickly gets off of Mordred and takes a threatening step towards me, and I instinctively move back.
"Arthur just listen to me!"
"NO, YOU LISTEN TO ME! THAT FUCKING EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING RAPED THE ONLY WOMAN I'VE EVER LOVED, AND EVER WILL LOVE. HE NEEDS TO BE PUNISHED, and I need to be the one to do it."
Arthur moves back on top of Mordred so he's straddling him, and I watch him hit Mordred relentlessly as if stuck in a dream. I don't know what I'm doing, but the only thing I can think about is making sure Arthur doesn't kill Mordred.
I slowly pick up the knife, and calmly rise to my feet. When I begin walking I feel like I'm gliding towards Arthur and Mordred. I think I've caught a glimpse of movement from the corner of my eye, but I don't stop walking. The closer I get the less I seem to hear; until the only sound reaching my ears is simply white noise. When the knife plunges into Arthur's back I see his mouth open like he's shouting out, but the sound still doesn't reach my ears. I watch him fall to the floor with blood pooling from his back, and slowly raise my hands to my face. There's a knife in one of my hands, and the same crimson red blood seeping onto the back of his white shirt is smeared on me.
Suddenly there's a loud high pitched scream invading my ears, and it takes me awhile to realize that it's my own scream. I instantly drop the knife, and try to wipe the blood off on my clothes, but it's still there, and it won't come off. I can see Arthur on the floor with Uther now bent over him trying to stop the bleeding, but it's the pained look in Arthur's eyes that brings me back from my reverie. What have I done? I wouldn't hurt Arthur. I love Arthur. Arthur's my only family. Arthur's…Arthur's not going to die.
"Arthur?"
His eyes are closed now, and he's not moving, but I'm sure he's alright.
I slowly begin to walk towards him because I have this overwhelming need to touch him; to know that he's still alive and well. I know I didn't hurt him as much as I fear I did because he's always okay. When we were little he fell out of a tree, and got up like nothing happened.
In a few months he's even going to be a father, and what about Gwen? She needs him, and Arthur would never leave Gwen.
"STAY AWAY FROM HIM! YOU KILLED YOUR OWN BROTHER!"
"I didn't mean to. I don't know what happened. I just wanted him to stop. He wouldn't stop. Why wouldn't he stop? You weren't here, but I kept asking him to stop."
"HE WAS YOUR BROTHER, AND YOU MURDERED HIM!"
"He was my brother?"
Oh wait yes I remember when he said that to me.
"Yes he's my brother! He told me that once when we were little. He said that since I was living with him I was basically like his sister, and he my brother. Then we went outside and played all day."
"What the hell are you talking about? I mean he's your brother by blood. You're my daughter Morgan!"
My mind isn't working properly, and I know it's not since none of this is making any sense. All I know is Arthur's not dead because she wouldn't harm him. Something else is going on someone else killed him because she wouldn't. She would never hurt Arthur. Arthur's her only family.
"Where am I? What's going on here?"
There's so much blood around her, and she doesn't know what's going on. Who are these people?
"Morgan?"
She feels like she knows this Morgan person, but she can't remember how?
There are really loud noises in the background, and they're hurting her head so much. Why is everyone being so loud?
"Shut up! All of you shut up. Stop yelling at me I didn't do anything. It was her it wasn't me! I'm a good girl."
"Morgan, stop it!"
There's a boy covered in blood touching my arm, but I don't know who he is.
"Leave me alone I'm not Morgan. I don't know who she is!"
I move away from this stranger, and I feel bad for him because his face is all broken, and he looks like he's having trouble standing.
There are a lot of people running around the room in blue uniforms screaming at each other like chickens with their heads cut off, and I can't help but laugh at the sight. Why are they moving around like that? Don't they know how silly they look?
I move towards the bed and lay down in a ball. I'm cold, but I don't want to get too comfortable in someone else's bed. I look back at everyone running around this one boy with tubes all over him, and I can't stop laughing. The bloodied up boy looks at me with a sad face as a man in a blue uniform walks over to him, but I don't know why he can't see how funny it all is. I feel like I can barely breathe because I'm giggling so hard, but I just can't stop laughing.
Thank you for reading!:)
TBC with Everyone