In Our Own Skins: Gwaine
Title: In Our Own Skins (4/8)
Author: ceecee_05
Rating: R (this chapter contains lots of sexual content, and swearing)
Characters/Pairings (In this chapter): Gwaine, Gwen, Merlin, Percy, Leon, Cedric(Cenred), Morgause (allusions to Arthur/Gwen and Gwen/Lance)
Spoilers: NONE
Disclaimer: MERLIN's not mine, just the grammatical errors.
Summary: Gwaine has way too many problems.
Author's notes: This chapter contains some mentions of homoerotic content, and is OOC in many ways. A lot happens in this chapter so I hope it doesn't come off too rushed. Be forewarned that I'm the only one who's edited this. I apologize in advance for any errors.
Gwaine
I avoid her eyes as I get dressed. I can't believe it's happened again, what the fuck is wrong with me. The stupid thing never bloody works.
"Don't tell anyone about this, alright."
My pants are on, and I've just gotten my jumper over my head, but I still refuse to make eye contact with her. Beatrice Magnus or Berty as everyone knows her as, is the type who'll air all your secrets. I can't believe I even agreed to shag her.
"Why should I Gwaine?"
I can't help but meet Berty's eyes at her words. She sits up in the bed, the sheet lowering while she does so that now her rather perky breasts can be seen. Yes Berty's fit, but she's also a bit of a bitch. She's just staring at me with a smile that would make Morgan proud.
"Why shouldn't I tell everyone at College that your cock doesn't work? Why shouldn't I tell them that no matter how many times I shoved my tits in your face, or stroked your dick, you couldn't get hard? Why shouldn't I tell them that you're probably bent?"
I lunge for her, but stop right before I make contact with her skin. I'm not foolish enough to agree to sleep with Berty without having some information she doesn't want known to the rest of Camelot.
"Look, I don't like threats. How about I give you some cash for your trouble, and we both pretend today never happened? Think of it as our Christmas presents to each other if you must."
"What do you think I am? Some sort of slag?"
Well… based on some of the things I know you've done…
"No, I think you're someone who's smart enough not to talk about other people's personal lives, knowing that there are things that you don't want exposed about yourself."
"Are you threatening me?"
"Of course not love"
I smile at the look of indignation on her face. If Berty really thinks she's going to tell everyone about my problem she's got another thing coming. I haven't gotten through three years at Camelot with my reputation as a lady's man for nothing.
"I'm offering you an opportunity to earn some money, while also keeping your after school activities quiet."
Her face pales, and I do feel bad for having to do this sort of thing… again. I just need to maintain my image. I've always been the odd man out. The only reason anyone wants to be my mate is because girls seem to take to me. That's how me and Lance became mates in the first place. Even my brothers only respect my ability to snag the attention of the fittest girls. I'm nothing without my reputation.
"You wouldn't?"
She quickly lifts the sheet back over her breasts, and I can practically see the fear dripping from every part of her shaking body.
"I will if I have to"
I'm praying that she goes along with my little arrangement. The last thing I want to do is ruin her life. Berty may be rude, but I know I'm not so low as to start destroying her life to save my own. I'm hoping that scaring her a little will make her see sense.
"Please Gwaine. I promise I won't say anything. Just don't tell anyone, it'd kill my parents if they found out."
I feel like shit as I always do when I'm pushed into this same corner. I just really need to know why my cock never seems to work. I've been with loads of different types of women, yet known of them seem to get me hard.
Shit, what the fuck have I become, blackmailing women to maintain my fictional reputation? I'm such a git. Mum would be so disappointed.
"Look Berty I won't tell anyone, just promise to keep what happened here quiet."
I go to pick up my coat and bag as I move to her bedroom door, yet I can't help but hesitate before going out.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I just… you're beautiful and I thought maybe things would be different this time."
I know I don't need to worry about what I'm saying around Berty. I know she won't say anything because the last thing she wants is for her family to find out about her stripping. The only reason I even know is because I accidentally saw her walk into the building one day while I was roaming the streets. If it hadn't been for her outfit I would have just assumed she was into strippers.
"Thanks Gwaine, I know you're not really a twat like some of the other blokes I've been with."
She smiles at me and I don't feel as much of a wanker as I did before.
"So…you really are a puff then?"
She's not looking at me with disgust like I thought she would, just as if she were asking me something normal, like what I'm doing for the rest of the day. Even though her acceptance is supposed to make me feel calm, it just makes me angry. I'm not a homosexual. I'm just having some problems with my cock. I know loads of other blokes probably have the same issue; just no one talks about it.
"No, I'm not"
I leave her room, run down the stairs, and out her front door. Luckily for me Berty's parents aren't home. I'm really not in the mood to be charming.
I scold myself for my lack of interest in driving. Arthur and Lance are both moping about Gwen, and well I don't really have anyone else who'll give me a ride. And it's really cold outside.
After walking aimlessly down the street for a while I decide to just check to see whether or not Arthur or Lance will be able to pick themselves up off the floor to give me a lift.
"Fuck"
I run my hands through my hair in exasperation. Gwen's messaged, and rang me…a lot. I know she's hurting about the whole Arthur thing, and then the all the crap with Morgan and Lance. I'm just not the one she should be talking to about this.
After losing my virginity to my best mate's girlfriend (or ex-girlfriend), and the love of my younger cousin's life, anything to do with Gwen should not be my concern. But, I call her back because I know I'm the only one she has right now.
"Gwaine"
I can hear her crying on the other end and know it's probably about Arthur - it's usually about Arthur.
"Yeah Gwen, what's wrong?"
"You didn't pick up before I thought you might be ignoring me. I just…I'm so lonely. Eli's not coming home for the holidays and Arthur can barely stand the sight of me. Just when I finally get him, I give him up like a fool. You've no idea how much I miss him Gwaine. I thought it'd be for the best, but every day for the past month it's been horrible without him. I'm so depressed about the whole thing it's even making me physically sick. I miss him so much."
I listen silently to everything she has to say. Nowadays Gwen always calls to talk about the same thing - Arthur. This puts me in a very awkward position because Lance is always talking about how he wants to try and get her back. Completely unaware that Gwen and Arthur have shagged, and are madly in love with each other.
I'm an absolutely terrible best mate.
"Gwen, why don't you just talk to Arthur? Tell him everything you tell me. That you miss him, and how being apart from him is slowly killing you."
"Gwaine you know I can't. Arthur's meant for great things and I'm just the orphan girl who'd bring him down."
"Gwen you know that's not…"
"Don't Gwaine...please don't. Arthur's father may not always be the voice of reason, but about this he's right. Being in a relationship with Arthur would just ruin his future, and I won't be the reason Arthur doesn't become the man I know he can be."
"Gwen Uther's a wanker. Yeah alright he's my deceased aunt Igraine's husband so essentially he's my uncle, but that doesn't make him any less a dick."
I'm so tired of hearing Gwen talk about herself like she's shit. How does she not realize that she has two blokes who are desperately in love with her for a reason?
"Gwaine…"
"What he is a dick, but Arthur loves you. I don't understand how you can have such faith in him, but not his feelings for you. Maybe the great Arthur Pendragon needs you so that he can become the great man you think he'll be?"
I wait for Gwen to say something, but she stays quiet. After a few minutes I actually start to think she's dropped the call.
"Shit Gwaine, I want him back. Who the hell am I kidding I need him back, but what if he doesn't want me anymore? You didn't see his face when I told him we couldn't be together. He was so disappointed in me."
I want to trust that this time Gwen's actually listening to what I'm saying, but I know in a few hours she'll convince herself that she's not good enough for Arthur like she always does.
"Gwen Arthur loves you. Believe me all you have to do is go… Shit"
My words falter as I finally reach my house. I can see my brothers outside playing football. They're not supposed to be home until tomorrow. Mum told me that they'd said Christmas morning they'd both be coming as her gifts.
"What, Gwaine what's going on?"
"Sorry Gwen I've got to go"
"No Gwaine please…"
I do feel bad about dropping the call on her, but I can't deal with her and my brothers at the same time.
"Alright, you can do this Gwaine"
I take a few breathes to prepare myself for the next few days with my brothers now that they're on holiday from school.
Slowly I make my way over to them. Leon and Percy are alright to other people, but they have a tendency to treat me like shit. I guess it's because I'm the youngest, yet knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
"Oie Leon, look who's finally home"
"Wetbutt's home"
Fucking arseholes will never let that go. I was six and I wet the bed, loads of kids wet the bed when they're young.
"Hey Percy, Leon. Do you think that maybe we can stop calling me wetbutt, it's gotten a little old don't you think?"
"Oh look Leon, you're making him cry"
"Shut up I'm not crying"
"Does Wetbutt need some tissues to wipe himself?"
I roll my eyes at the both of them and continue to the front door. I don't need to stand here and take their crap.
"Aww look what you did Leon. Now he's gone crying to Mum."
"Poor Wetbutt needs help wiping his arse does he?"
I ignore the both of them as I enter the house. Leon and Percy aren't dicks, but they really like to take the piss when it's at my expense.
"Mum?"
Instead of my mum a male figure appears from the kitchen, and I quickly turn away from him. I barely remember my father since he died when I was really young, but the idea of Cedric touching my mum actually makes me sick to my stomach. He's a creepy git, and I don't know what my mother sees in him. As much as it disgusts me to even think, he probably just has a big cock.
"Hey Gwaine, Morgause is in the shower. Did you have a good time out with your mates?"
I know Cedric couldn't give a fuck what kind of a time I had out, and I'm somewhat surprised that he's even pretending without Mum around. We usually just ignore each other when we're together.
"Like you care"
I scoff and harshly brush my shoulders against him as I make my way into the kitchen for something to eat; purposely mumbling wanker when I'm in close proximity to him.
"Watch it you bloody twat"
Cedric grabs my arm and squeezes it painfully, but I refuse to show any signs of discomfort on my face.
"Watch yourself around me you fucking waste of space. I don't give a shit about you or your brothers. The only reason I'm around is because your Mum's a tiger in bed. Now if you ever disrespect me again, I'll find other ways to make you respect me; and believe me you won't like the things I come up with."
I don't even have time to spit in his face like I'd planned before Cedric is pulled from my arms, and becomes nothing more than a crumpled mess on the floor.
"Now you listen here you fucking wanker. If you ever touch my baby brother again, the last thing you'll be worried about is a sore wrist. Now our Mum seems to put up with you for some reason. But I want you to know that even though Leon and I aren't here all the time, anything happens to Gwaine. We're coming for you."
Cedric looks speechless, and even I'm shocked by Percy's words. Leon's usually the more talkative one, so to hear Percy string together more than a of couple sentences is a little alarming. Not to mention I've never heard my brother use a curse word beyond arse in my entire life.
"You alright Gwaine?"
My eyes snap from Cedric cowering under Percy's rather large stature, to my eldest sibling. Leon's looking at me expectantly, but I'm still in awe of what just happened. I know my brothers are all right, but they've never done something like this for me before. I should probably take advantage of this before they go back to acting like nobs again.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a sore arm"
"Well Percy, you know what they say. Do on to others what you'd want them to do on to you, or something along those lines."
Just as Percy's about to grab Cedric, I can see movement coming from the doorway. Shit the only other person in the house is…
"What the bloody hell is going on here?"
I watch somewhat amused as Cedric scrambles from the floor to stand behind my Mum's back. Fucking coward.
"Nothing now that you're here"
"And what exactly is that supposed to mean Percy?"
"Nothing Mum"
"I don't remember asking you Leon"
"Really it's nothing Mum. Cedric and I got into a minor argument, and things got a bit out of hand."
Mum stares at me in the way only a mother can, before she sighs and rolls her eyes. Everyone in the room waits to see whether or not she'll accept this explanation.
"Cedric"
"Yes darling"
"Get the fuck out of my house, and take all your crap with you"
The noise in the kitchen could now be equated to that of a funeral party. I'm not unhappy by the news - in my head I'm doing flips and breaking out into song. I'm just a bit stunned to hear my mother speaking to her wonderful Cedric so frankly, but I guess I shouldn't really be surprised, that's how she usually is with people.
"But Morgsy…"
"Ugh, do you know how much I hate it when you call me that. My name is Morgause, not Morgsy or Morgs, or Mora, or whatever else your fucking brain comes up with."
I can admit that I probably got my saucy vocabulary from my mum. I do respect the hell out of the woman. That's probably why her shacking up with someone like Cedric was such a disappointment to me. She's too strong to be with such a weakling.
"Now you listen here Cedric. I raised good boys, and if they're ready to kick your arse I know it's because you did something to deserve it. So, if you're doing something to upset them, you're doing something to upset me, and I will not allow anyone to hurt my children. So like I said, get the fuck out of my house, before I get Leon and Percy to escort you out."
"You fucking bitch, after everything I've done for you"
When Cedric falls to the ground in front of me, I'm nearly as shocked as everyone else. I don't even remember running over to him and punching him in the face, but I'm very happy I did.
"Don't call my mum a bitch you fucking waste of space."
The smirk comes to my face of its own volition. Cedric really needs to watch what he says to people. I give him a swift kick to the gut for good measure, and can't help but feel proud when he groans in pain. Thank god the supposed "king" of this castle is dead and gone.
"Don't worry about your shit Cedric. Come back after Christmas and we'll be sure to have your crap in boxes on the porch outside, but for now GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR HOUSE."
I actually laugh when he jumps off the floor and runs for the door.
"I hope you fucking shits get what's coming to you. Oh and Morgs, I've had better"
"You keep thinking that. Oh and Ced, I know about that little whore you've been fucking so you can expect I'll be getting a nice amount of money in the divorce. I would suggest you settle with my lawyer when they contact you."
The door closes, and we laugh at the smug smile on mum's face. After spending a year living with Cedric, I have to say I'm happy to just go back to having a mum and two older brothers. Stepfathers are really overrated.
"Well, that was an interesting Christmas Eve"
"No shit Leon"
"So what you're cussing now Percy?"
"I guess, you Gwaine and mum do it all the time, why not me?"
"Oh son, don't start swearing. You're my sweet hearted giant. You don't need to cuss"
Mum has been saying things like that for years. Leon's motivated, Percy's kindhearted, and me…well, I'm always free spirited. I'm still not sure whether or not I like those words. Just sounds like she's convinced I'm going to end up on the streets, because I'm too free spirited to get a job and keep it.
"Alright mum no more cussing."
Percy smiles and I'm happy to see Mum's face light up - even without Dad, I can't help but feel like we're a family again.
"Good boy"
She gives him a brief kiss on the cheek, before going to get her car keys. Wait, car keys for what?
"Mum where are you going?"
Mum stops and turns to me as Percy and Leon start for the front door.
"What an idiot. It's Christmas Eve Wetbutt."
Well, it had been nice while it lasted.
"Remember we go to family dinners today and tomorrow just about every year? Well, except on the rare occasion that Mum decides she wants to burn down the kitchen with her disgusting concoctions. No offense Mum."
"None taken Leon. It's no secret I'm a crap cook."
I slap my hand to my forehead in annoyance, the last thing I want to do right now is be around family. I may have been distracted earlier by Gwen, my brothers, and Cedric and Mum, but that doesn't mean I've forgotten about my rather large problem below the belt.
"Mum?"
Leon and Percy have already left the house, so I feel more comfortable talking plainly. Mum's always been easy to talk to, so I have no problems telling her I really don't want to go out tonight.
"What is it Gwaine?"
Although her face has a smile on it, I can see a tint of sadness in her eyes.
"Are you alright?"
She hesitates before lowering herself onto one of the kitchen chairs. Then calmly pats the seat beside her. I quickly sit down and grasp her hands in an attempt at comfort. I hate to see Mum sad.
"Cedric and I have always had our problems, and for a while I've been thinking about divorce. When I saw you boys ready to attack him, I just realized it really was time."
"So then why didn't you get one earlier?"
"Honestly…"
She takes a long intake of breathe before she continues, and I tighten my grip on her hands. The horn is blaring loudly in the background, but both of us ignore it.
"I didn't want to be alone. I mean Leon and Percy are off at Uni for most of the year, and next year you'll be leaving to do God knows what. I just…I thought that if I kept Cedric around I wouldn't have to be on my own."
I few stray tears fall from her eyes, and she pulls away from me to wipe them away. I've never thought about Mum feeling lonely. I guess I just assumed that regardless her life would be better without Cedric.
"I'll stay so you don't have to be alone. I mean really with my grades who knows if I'll even make it to Uni…"
"No you won't do that Gwaine. Regardless of whether or not you get into a good Uni, I know you'll find your way."
"Yeah, cause I'm free spirited, whatever that means?"
"Gwaine, I call you free spirited because every since you were little you always did things your way. Leon and Percy always followed instructions, but not you. I remember telling you to go to bed, and you kissed my cheek and ran into your room. When I came to check on you to make sure you were sleeping, I found you underneath your sheets with a flashlight playing some sort of game. When I pulled the blanket off of you all you did was smile and say, what's wrong I'm in bed."
I can't help but laugh when the memory of that night comes back to me. I guess it could be said that I was a bit of a difficult child.
"You've always done things your way Gwaine, and as strange as it might sound I've never really worried about you getting through life. In so many ways you're like me, and that's why I know that I'll be alright on my own. Besides unlike you're brothers I know you'll visit me every chance you get."
I wrap my arms around her, as if to breathe in just a bit of her unshakable strength. No one could have ever asked for a better mother.
"Even if I have to trek through the woods for days and steal a horse"
We finally separate and bring ourselves to stand. Mum's soft giggles at my words bringing a wide smile to my face, and I realize as long as I have her I'll never be alone.
"Bloody hell, they're going to destroy the horn the way they're carrying on. Could neither of them get off their lazy arses and just come back in to see what was wrong?"
She leaves the kitchen, and I follow behind her but refrain from putting on my boots. It's only when she's about to open the door that she notices I'm standing by the stairs, and I've taken my coat off.
"You're not coming to dinner?"
"Not really in the mood for a family dinner tonight"
"Is it because of Cedric? Did Leon or Percy do something? Cause you know I'll sort them if they did."
"No Mum nothing like that. I'm just not in the mood tonight. I promise that tomorrow, I'll be there with a cheeky smile, and charm galore."
"Well alright, your Aunt Anna will be disappointed, but I guess you'll suffer enough tomorrow at Uther's dinner."
"Ugh fuck"
"Don't I know it. I couldn't tell you what my sister saw in that monster. Though, I guess he is sort of fit"
"Oh god mum just stop and go before you say something that we'll both regret."
"Too right. Okay, we'll be back in a few hours, no parties. You can invite Lance over if you want, but that's it. No girls!"
The last thing I plan on doing tonight is inviting anybody over, even Lance. He's probably looking at the bloody engagement ring I told him not to buy. Fuck, everything is such a mess.
"Whatever mum, bye"
I all but push her out the door before quickly sprinting up the stairs and falling on my bed. I take a quick look at my mobile and see that Gwen rang me about five times, and Lance's messaged me twice asking how he should propose. I'm tempted to message back not at all, but instead throw my mobile onto my dresser and close my eyes. I could really do with a good nap.
-o-
I open my eyes to complete darkness and silence. Obviously Mum Leon and Percy aren't back yet, or darkness and silence would have been an impossibility. Mum is pretty much afraid of the dark, and Leon and Percy don't know the meaning of the word quiet when they're together.
I sluggishly stretch my limbs, as I slowly get up off my rather comfortable bed. I anxiously sign into my laptop, and sigh at the noise that comes from my stomach. I'm clearly hungry, so I run downstairs to grab some cold pizza out of the fridge, and scarf down a few slices before making a quick stop at the toilets.
When I return to my bedroom the nervousness comes with me. I can't believe I'm actually about to do this, but I need to know. I sit down at my desk chair facing the window, but then quickly jump up when I realize the blinds are open. After I close them, I slowly make my way back to the chair.
"Fuck it Gwaine, just get it over with. No one will know."
Though, it's not the fear of anyone knowing, but rather what this could lead to - what it could mean for me.
I'm not unfamiliar with online porn, so I type in a website and pull down my zipper as the page loads. Once my flaccid cock is resting on the outside of my leg, I look back at the computer and search for gay porn. While I scroll through all the different videos of men I can't help but feel dirty. I'm not homophobic, but I'm scared as hell at the idea of being bent. I've seen the way people treat you when you're a puff, and I'm man enough to admit I don't want to know how that feels.
I end up clicking on a video that doesn't look too intimidating, and slowly start to stroke myself. The men are only touching each others bulges, and internally I'm jumping for joy that my cock hasn't done anything besides remain flaccid. Then the unthinkable happens, it moves. Nothing monumental, but enough that I notice I'm not as soft as I once was. As the men on screen peel off their clothes and begin touching each other, I get harder.
I pause the video and quickly drop my hand from my shaft. I can feel water on my face, and I realize I'm crying. This can't be happening, I can't be… Fuck why me? Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough with girls? That has to be it, I can't be that…
"Gwaine?"
I instantly close my laptop and pull my pants back on. Who the fuck is that?
I turn around slowly, my heart racing at what I know the intruder has seen and heard. The laptop is facing my door. I just hadn't thought it'd be an issue because no one's home. Hell I didn't even hear the front door open.
"Merlin, what the fuck are you doing here?"
My palms have started sweating, and I can't help but avoid his eyes. I can't handle being judged right now.
"I'm sorry, I was walking to Arthur's but I got tired. Your house was the closest, so I thought I'd come here. When I saw all the lights off, and the car gone I thought no one was home."
"So you just thought you'd walk into my house and make yourself at home?"
As angry as I am at being caught, I can't help but notice something's off with Merlin. Yes, he's been losing a lot of weight recently, and walking around like a ghost in College, but it's the look on his face that unnerves me. Merlin looks like he's lost it.
"I'm just really tired"
And to prove his point he all but collapses on my bed, and vomits on my sheets.
"Shit, sorry"
I run to get a towel to wipe the vomit from his face, and a water bottle from the fridge. Where the hell is Merlin coming from? Someone who looks like him shouldn't even be walking to the bathroom without help, let alone outdoors in this temperature.
"Don't worry about it, that's why they invented washing machines."
I smile to try and lighten the mood, but I'm seriously contemplating calling an ambulance.
"Where were you walking from?"
After wiping his face clean, I raise the bottle to his lips and wait for him to swallow before sitting on the floor in front of him. For obvious reasons sitting on my bed isn't an option.
"The hospital"
My eyes bulge at his words, and if he didn't already look like such a mess I would have hit him for his own stupidity. The hospitals about fifteen minutes drive from Arthur's place, why the hell was Merlin walking there?
"Why were you watching two guys having sex?"
I open and close my mouth for lack of anything better to do. I hadn't been expecting Merlin to be so blunt, but I guess I'd have done the same thing if I'd walked in on someone else doing it. Actually that would have been the first thing out of my mouth, but mum always says I'm tactless sometimes.
"I…I…I was just checking something"
"Are you gay?"
Just like Berty Merlin hadn't asked the question with disgust, just surprise.
"I've had sex with a woman"
Merlin's face instantly changes from surprise to confusion. How confusing it must be to find out that the supposed player of Camelot has really only ever slept with one woman. I can't even remember the damn experience, which is probably for the best.
"You've only ever had sex with one woman? What about all the girls that claim they slept with you?"
"Apparently they're liars"
I really did not want to get into this right now. Here is Merlin lying on my bed practically looking like death, asking me about my past sexual encounters. His priorities were definitely off right now.
"Merlin this isn't the right time for this, you need to go to hospital. You're obviously not well."
"Obviously, just answer the question Gwaine. You tell me your secret, and I'll tell you mine."
This is madness, I know it is. The last thing I need or want, are more secrets, but there's something in Merlin's eye that's begging me to continue.
"So I'm at this party getting pissed because my mum's about to marry this ultimate wanker, and I don't know what happens but next morning I'm waking up beside this girl. She's naked, I'm naked, and there's blood all over the sheet she's sleeping on. Not to mention the used condom in the bin."
I don't think it would be a good idea to tell Merlin that this girl is Gwen; the less people that know the better.
"So, you don't even remember actually having sex with this girl?"
"Well no, but it's obvious that's what happened. We were both naked, and the blood and condom."
Merlin doesn't really look convinced, and his lack of certainty is starting to make me question that night in a way I never have before.
"So you just assume you shagged a girl because you both woke up beside each other naked? Who's to say she didn't have sex with someone else, and you just happened to fall asleep in the room later?"
"No that can't be right because I passed out on the couch, and then after I moved into the room to have sex."
Wait, that didn't make any sense.
"Alright, so you pass out on a couch, and then somehow end up shagging some girl and taking her virginity in another room?"
I rub my temples in frustration because none of what I'm saying makes sense anymore. The last thing I remember is screaming the Spice Girls lyrics to Wannabe, and then falling on the couch I was jumping on and blacking out. How the fuck did I even end up in that room with Gwen?
"Shit, what the fuck happened that night?"
"Clearly not what you think happened, and if you're well…you know, how did you have sex with a girl?"
I ignore Merlin's last comment, and instead focus on his first. I'd just taken in the room and assumed that Gwen and I had sex, but things weren't adding up anymore. Someone obviously brought me into the room with Gwen, but why?
"Holy fuck! No, this can't be happening"
I get up off the floor and pace the average sized space of my room, while Merlin drinks more of the water I gave him. Someone fucking set me up that night. They had to have known that Gwen and Lance were dating, and that I'm his best mate. Anyone knows mates don't fuck their mate's girlfriends and tell. They made it seem as if I did it so that it would stay silent. The only reason Gwen never told anyone was because I begged her not to.
"Fuck"
Bloody hell, Gwen was raped, and the bastard put the fucking blame on me. How could I be so thick? If no girl has every made me hard, why would Gwen?
"It's not that bad, so what you're a virgin? Lots of blokes are virgins; especially ones in your situation Gwaine."
I ignore Merlin right now as I think of what the fuck I should do. I can't tell Gwen that's for sure. I'd rather let her think I took her virginity than some fucking twat who raped her at a party. She deserves better, even if it means settling for me. The only thing I know is that I'm going to find the fucker who did it, and make them pay for the pain they caused us.
I'm only brought out of my vengeful thoughts when I hear the sound of whimpering. Merlin is curled up on my bed in the fetal position crying. What the fuck happened in the past five minutes that brought this on?
"What's wrong mate?"
I push thoughts of Gwen and that party to the back of my mind for now, but as soon as I've dealt with Merlin I know they'll come flooding back.
He looks at me with those same empty eyes he entered my room with, and I wonder how his mood could have changed so quickly. When we were talking he wasn't necessarily happy, but he wasn't this sad either.
"She's dead"
My heartbeat increases after he says the words, and because of where my mind has been my thoughts instantly turn to Gwen. I quickly run to my mobile and see that she's messaged me only a few minutes ago, begging me to ring her.
"Who's dead Merlin?"
He raises his hollow eyes to me, and a shiver runs down my spine at the action. As far back as I can remember Merlin's always been a happy person, but the person in front of me now is nothing more than a shell.
"Freya, she died this afternoon."
Who the hell is Freya? It really doesn't help that Merlin and I don't talk that often, so I know shit all about his personal life.
"Is that why you were at the hospital?"
I know it's not the obvious question that's going through my mind right now, but I think straying from the norm is exactly what I need to do to get to the bottom of this. However, Merlin's laughter is the last thing I expected to hear in response.
"No that's not why I was there. Freya and I both have Leukemia, but hers was more severe than mine. I went for my chemo, and when I went to her room to visit her they told me she'd died a few minutes earlier. I didn't even get to fucking say goodbye to her. If I'd just visited her first I would have been able to see her one last time."
Merlin said a lot, but all I really heard is that he has cancer. Did Arthur know?
"After I found out I walked out the back of the building so my Mum wouldn't see me, and started walking to Arthur's house. I got too tired to make it there so I collapsed on your doorstep, then I discovered the door was open so I walked in."
"And so that's why you…holy fuck Merlin. All this time you've had cancer"
I drag my hands through my hair, and have to stop myself from ripping each hair from my head. This is too fucking much to handle. Gwen was raped, Merlin has cancer, and I'm probably into guys. What the fuck kind of place is the world turning into?
"I wanted to die tonight Gwaine. I just got so tired of fighting. Losing Freya was like losing faith. I was hoping to die while I was out there walking, but I saw your house and I just thought of everyone I'd be letting down if I gave up."
I fall back on the floor, and look back at Merlin whose staring at the ceiling with silent tears dripping down his face. He doesn't say anymore.
I want to say something to him, but I don't believe he wants me to. I think right now Merlin just needs someone to listen and be there for him without pity, and I can understand that more than anyone. Suicide had briefly crossed my mind when I started getting hard at the sight of two men shagging.
"Merlin will you tell anyone about what you saw tonight?"
"No, it's not my business to tell anyone your secrets. I hope the same goes for you?"
"My lips are sealed"
"Does Arthur know?"
"No"
The room is silent after that, and I wonder about my cousin's best mate. I've always just thought of Merlin as the strange kid with big ears, but now I can only see a person who I can't help but respect. Merlin's the strongest of us all.
"You want to stay the night?"
"Yeah, might as well"
"Do you have anything you should be taking?"
"Just some pain pills in my coat pocket"
"Alright"
I know I have to take off the sheet Merlin's laying on, but for now I'll let him think of his Freya fondly. There's always time for sleep later.
I jump up to grab my mobile. I feel bad for the way I've been ignoring Gwen because I know that she doesn't deserve it. When I see that it's gone twelve I can't help but smile. It's Christmas.
"Happy Christmas Merlin"
"Happy Christmas Gwaine"
I know Merlin's not in the best of spirits, but I plan on hearing all about Freya when he's ready to talk again; I think that's really all he wants to do. For now I simply ring Gwen and hope that she's still awake.
"Gwaine"
I tense at the frantic pitch in her tone.
"Gwen what's happened, are you all right?"
I've never heard Gwen sound so scared. I can see Merlin slowly lifting himself so he's now sitting on the bed, but I have no answer for his questioning stare. What the hell am I really going to tell him?
"Remember I told you I've been feeling sick. Well I also realized I hadn't gotten my period all month, and Arthur and I hadn't used protection. So I thought maybe I should take a pregnancy test just to make sure it's only stress. But Gwaine, I'm pregnant. I'm fucking pregnant."
Happy fucking Christmas indeed.
Thank you for reading!:)
Next is Chapter 5: Elaine
Author: ceecee_05
Rating: R (this chapter contains lots of sexual content, and swearing)
Characters/Pairings (In this chapter): Gwaine, Gwen, Merlin, Percy, Leon, Cedric(Cenred), Morgause (allusions to Arthur/Gwen and Gwen/Lance)
Spoilers: NONE
Disclaimer: MERLIN's not mine, just the grammatical errors.
Summary: Gwaine has way too many problems.
Author's notes: This chapter contains some mentions of homoerotic content, and is OOC in many ways. A lot happens in this chapter so I hope it doesn't come off too rushed. Be forewarned that I'm the only one who's edited this. I apologize in advance for any errors.
Gwaine
I avoid her eyes as I get dressed. I can't believe it's happened again, what the fuck is wrong with me. The stupid thing never bloody works.
"Don't tell anyone about this, alright."
My pants are on, and I've just gotten my jumper over my head, but I still refuse to make eye contact with her. Beatrice Magnus or Berty as everyone knows her as, is the type who'll air all your secrets. I can't believe I even agreed to shag her.
"Why should I Gwaine?"
I can't help but meet Berty's eyes at her words. She sits up in the bed, the sheet lowering while she does so that now her rather perky breasts can be seen. Yes Berty's fit, but she's also a bit of a bitch. She's just staring at me with a smile that would make Morgan proud.
"Why shouldn't I tell everyone at College that your cock doesn't work? Why shouldn't I tell them that no matter how many times I shoved my tits in your face, or stroked your dick, you couldn't get hard? Why shouldn't I tell them that you're probably bent?"
I lunge for her, but stop right before I make contact with her skin. I'm not foolish enough to agree to sleep with Berty without having some information she doesn't want known to the rest of Camelot.
"Look, I don't like threats. How about I give you some cash for your trouble, and we both pretend today never happened? Think of it as our Christmas presents to each other if you must."
"What do you think I am? Some sort of slag?"
Well… based on some of the things I know you've done…
"No, I think you're someone who's smart enough not to talk about other people's personal lives, knowing that there are things that you don't want exposed about yourself."
"Are you threatening me?"
"Of course not love"
I smile at the look of indignation on her face. If Berty really thinks she's going to tell everyone about my problem she's got another thing coming. I haven't gotten through three years at Camelot with my reputation as a lady's man for nothing.
"I'm offering you an opportunity to earn some money, while also keeping your after school activities quiet."
Her face pales, and I do feel bad for having to do this sort of thing… again. I just need to maintain my image. I've always been the odd man out. The only reason anyone wants to be my mate is because girls seem to take to me. That's how me and Lance became mates in the first place. Even my brothers only respect my ability to snag the attention of the fittest girls. I'm nothing without my reputation.
"You wouldn't?"
She quickly lifts the sheet back over her breasts, and I can practically see the fear dripping from every part of her shaking body.
"I will if I have to"
I'm praying that she goes along with my little arrangement. The last thing I want to do is ruin her life. Berty may be rude, but I know I'm not so low as to start destroying her life to save my own. I'm hoping that scaring her a little will make her see sense.
"Please Gwaine. I promise I won't say anything. Just don't tell anyone, it'd kill my parents if they found out."
I feel like shit as I always do when I'm pushed into this same corner. I just really need to know why my cock never seems to work. I've been with loads of different types of women, yet known of them seem to get me hard.
Shit, what the fuck have I become, blackmailing women to maintain my fictional reputation? I'm such a git. Mum would be so disappointed.
"Look Berty I won't tell anyone, just promise to keep what happened here quiet."
I go to pick up my coat and bag as I move to her bedroom door, yet I can't help but hesitate before going out.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I just… you're beautiful and I thought maybe things would be different this time."
I know I don't need to worry about what I'm saying around Berty. I know she won't say anything because the last thing she wants is for her family to find out about her stripping. The only reason I even know is because I accidentally saw her walk into the building one day while I was roaming the streets. If it hadn't been for her outfit I would have just assumed she was into strippers.
"Thanks Gwaine, I know you're not really a twat like some of the other blokes I've been with."
She smiles at me and I don't feel as much of a wanker as I did before.
"So…you really are a puff then?"
She's not looking at me with disgust like I thought she would, just as if she were asking me something normal, like what I'm doing for the rest of the day. Even though her acceptance is supposed to make me feel calm, it just makes me angry. I'm not a homosexual. I'm just having some problems with my cock. I know loads of other blokes probably have the same issue; just no one talks about it.
"No, I'm not"
I leave her room, run down the stairs, and out her front door. Luckily for me Berty's parents aren't home. I'm really not in the mood to be charming.
I scold myself for my lack of interest in driving. Arthur and Lance are both moping about Gwen, and well I don't really have anyone else who'll give me a ride. And it's really cold outside.
After walking aimlessly down the street for a while I decide to just check to see whether or not Arthur or Lance will be able to pick themselves up off the floor to give me a lift.
"Fuck"
I run my hands through my hair in exasperation. Gwen's messaged, and rang me…a lot. I know she's hurting about the whole Arthur thing, and then the all the crap with Morgan and Lance. I'm just not the one she should be talking to about this.
After losing my virginity to my best mate's girlfriend (or ex-girlfriend), and the love of my younger cousin's life, anything to do with Gwen should not be my concern. But, I call her back because I know I'm the only one she has right now.
"Gwaine"
I can hear her crying on the other end and know it's probably about Arthur - it's usually about Arthur.
"Yeah Gwen, what's wrong?"
"You didn't pick up before I thought you might be ignoring me. I just…I'm so lonely. Eli's not coming home for the holidays and Arthur can barely stand the sight of me. Just when I finally get him, I give him up like a fool. You've no idea how much I miss him Gwaine. I thought it'd be for the best, but every day for the past month it's been horrible without him. I'm so depressed about the whole thing it's even making me physically sick. I miss him so much."
I listen silently to everything she has to say. Nowadays Gwen always calls to talk about the same thing - Arthur. This puts me in a very awkward position because Lance is always talking about how he wants to try and get her back. Completely unaware that Gwen and Arthur have shagged, and are madly in love with each other.
I'm an absolutely terrible best mate.
"Gwen, why don't you just talk to Arthur? Tell him everything you tell me. That you miss him, and how being apart from him is slowly killing you."
"Gwaine you know I can't. Arthur's meant for great things and I'm just the orphan girl who'd bring him down."
"Gwen you know that's not…"
"Don't Gwaine...please don't. Arthur's father may not always be the voice of reason, but about this he's right. Being in a relationship with Arthur would just ruin his future, and I won't be the reason Arthur doesn't become the man I know he can be."
"Gwen Uther's a wanker. Yeah alright he's my deceased aunt Igraine's husband so essentially he's my uncle, but that doesn't make him any less a dick."
I'm so tired of hearing Gwen talk about herself like she's shit. How does she not realize that she has two blokes who are desperately in love with her for a reason?
"Gwaine…"
"What he is a dick, but Arthur loves you. I don't understand how you can have such faith in him, but not his feelings for you. Maybe the great Arthur Pendragon needs you so that he can become the great man you think he'll be?"
I wait for Gwen to say something, but she stays quiet. After a few minutes I actually start to think she's dropped the call.
"Shit Gwaine, I want him back. Who the hell am I kidding I need him back, but what if he doesn't want me anymore? You didn't see his face when I told him we couldn't be together. He was so disappointed in me."
I want to trust that this time Gwen's actually listening to what I'm saying, but I know in a few hours she'll convince herself that she's not good enough for Arthur like she always does.
"Gwen Arthur loves you. Believe me all you have to do is go… Shit"
My words falter as I finally reach my house. I can see my brothers outside playing football. They're not supposed to be home until tomorrow. Mum told me that they'd said Christmas morning they'd both be coming as her gifts.
"What, Gwaine what's going on?"
"Sorry Gwen I've got to go"
"No Gwaine please…"
I do feel bad about dropping the call on her, but I can't deal with her and my brothers at the same time.
"Alright, you can do this Gwaine"
I take a few breathes to prepare myself for the next few days with my brothers now that they're on holiday from school.
Slowly I make my way over to them. Leon and Percy are alright to other people, but they have a tendency to treat me like shit. I guess it's because I'm the youngest, yet knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
"Oie Leon, look who's finally home"
"Wetbutt's home"
Fucking arseholes will never let that go. I was six and I wet the bed, loads of kids wet the bed when they're young.
"Hey Percy, Leon. Do you think that maybe we can stop calling me wetbutt, it's gotten a little old don't you think?"
"Oh look Leon, you're making him cry"
"Shut up I'm not crying"
"Does Wetbutt need some tissues to wipe himself?"
I roll my eyes at the both of them and continue to the front door. I don't need to stand here and take their crap.
"Aww look what you did Leon. Now he's gone crying to Mum."
"Poor Wetbutt needs help wiping his arse does he?"
I ignore the both of them as I enter the house. Leon and Percy aren't dicks, but they really like to take the piss when it's at my expense.
"Mum?"
Instead of my mum a male figure appears from the kitchen, and I quickly turn away from him. I barely remember my father since he died when I was really young, but the idea of Cedric touching my mum actually makes me sick to my stomach. He's a creepy git, and I don't know what my mother sees in him. As much as it disgusts me to even think, he probably just has a big cock.
"Hey Gwaine, Morgause is in the shower. Did you have a good time out with your mates?"
I know Cedric couldn't give a fuck what kind of a time I had out, and I'm somewhat surprised that he's even pretending without Mum around. We usually just ignore each other when we're together.
"Like you care"
I scoff and harshly brush my shoulders against him as I make my way into the kitchen for something to eat; purposely mumbling wanker when I'm in close proximity to him.
"Watch it you bloody twat"
Cedric grabs my arm and squeezes it painfully, but I refuse to show any signs of discomfort on my face.
"Watch yourself around me you fucking waste of space. I don't give a shit about you or your brothers. The only reason I'm around is because your Mum's a tiger in bed. Now if you ever disrespect me again, I'll find other ways to make you respect me; and believe me you won't like the things I come up with."
I don't even have time to spit in his face like I'd planned before Cedric is pulled from my arms, and becomes nothing more than a crumpled mess on the floor.
"Now you listen here you fucking wanker. If you ever touch my baby brother again, the last thing you'll be worried about is a sore wrist. Now our Mum seems to put up with you for some reason. But I want you to know that even though Leon and I aren't here all the time, anything happens to Gwaine. We're coming for you."
Cedric looks speechless, and even I'm shocked by Percy's words. Leon's usually the more talkative one, so to hear Percy string together more than a of couple sentences is a little alarming. Not to mention I've never heard my brother use a curse word beyond arse in my entire life.
"You alright Gwaine?"
My eyes snap from Cedric cowering under Percy's rather large stature, to my eldest sibling. Leon's looking at me expectantly, but I'm still in awe of what just happened. I know my brothers are all right, but they've never done something like this for me before. I should probably take advantage of this before they go back to acting like nobs again.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a sore arm"
"Well Percy, you know what they say. Do on to others what you'd want them to do on to you, or something along those lines."
Just as Percy's about to grab Cedric, I can see movement coming from the doorway. Shit the only other person in the house is…
"What the bloody hell is going on here?"
I watch somewhat amused as Cedric scrambles from the floor to stand behind my Mum's back. Fucking coward.
"Nothing now that you're here"
"And what exactly is that supposed to mean Percy?"
"Nothing Mum"
"I don't remember asking you Leon"
"Really it's nothing Mum. Cedric and I got into a minor argument, and things got a bit out of hand."
Mum stares at me in the way only a mother can, before she sighs and rolls her eyes. Everyone in the room waits to see whether or not she'll accept this explanation.
"Cedric"
"Yes darling"
"Get the fuck out of my house, and take all your crap with you"
The noise in the kitchen could now be equated to that of a funeral party. I'm not unhappy by the news - in my head I'm doing flips and breaking out into song. I'm just a bit stunned to hear my mother speaking to her wonderful Cedric so frankly, but I guess I shouldn't really be surprised, that's how she usually is with people.
"But Morgsy…"
"Ugh, do you know how much I hate it when you call me that. My name is Morgause, not Morgsy or Morgs, or Mora, or whatever else your fucking brain comes up with."
I can admit that I probably got my saucy vocabulary from my mum. I do respect the hell out of the woman. That's probably why her shacking up with someone like Cedric was such a disappointment to me. She's too strong to be with such a weakling.
"Now you listen here Cedric. I raised good boys, and if they're ready to kick your arse I know it's because you did something to deserve it. So, if you're doing something to upset them, you're doing something to upset me, and I will not allow anyone to hurt my children. So like I said, get the fuck out of my house, before I get Leon and Percy to escort you out."
"You fucking bitch, after everything I've done for you"
When Cedric falls to the ground in front of me, I'm nearly as shocked as everyone else. I don't even remember running over to him and punching him in the face, but I'm very happy I did.
"Don't call my mum a bitch you fucking waste of space."
The smirk comes to my face of its own volition. Cedric really needs to watch what he says to people. I give him a swift kick to the gut for good measure, and can't help but feel proud when he groans in pain. Thank god the supposed "king" of this castle is dead and gone.
"Don't worry about your shit Cedric. Come back after Christmas and we'll be sure to have your crap in boxes on the porch outside, but for now GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR HOUSE."
I actually laugh when he jumps off the floor and runs for the door.
"I hope you fucking shits get what's coming to you. Oh and Morgs, I've had better"
"You keep thinking that. Oh and Ced, I know about that little whore you've been fucking so you can expect I'll be getting a nice amount of money in the divorce. I would suggest you settle with my lawyer when they contact you."
The door closes, and we laugh at the smug smile on mum's face. After spending a year living with Cedric, I have to say I'm happy to just go back to having a mum and two older brothers. Stepfathers are really overrated.
"Well, that was an interesting Christmas Eve"
"No shit Leon"
"So what you're cussing now Percy?"
"I guess, you Gwaine and mum do it all the time, why not me?"
"Oh son, don't start swearing. You're my sweet hearted giant. You don't need to cuss"
Mum has been saying things like that for years. Leon's motivated, Percy's kindhearted, and me…well, I'm always free spirited. I'm still not sure whether or not I like those words. Just sounds like she's convinced I'm going to end up on the streets, because I'm too free spirited to get a job and keep it.
"Alright mum no more cussing."
Percy smiles and I'm happy to see Mum's face light up - even without Dad, I can't help but feel like we're a family again.
"Good boy"
She gives him a brief kiss on the cheek, before going to get her car keys. Wait, car keys for what?
"Mum where are you going?"
Mum stops and turns to me as Percy and Leon start for the front door.
"What an idiot. It's Christmas Eve Wetbutt."
Well, it had been nice while it lasted.
"Remember we go to family dinners today and tomorrow just about every year? Well, except on the rare occasion that Mum decides she wants to burn down the kitchen with her disgusting concoctions. No offense Mum."
"None taken Leon. It's no secret I'm a crap cook."
I slap my hand to my forehead in annoyance, the last thing I want to do right now is be around family. I may have been distracted earlier by Gwen, my brothers, and Cedric and Mum, but that doesn't mean I've forgotten about my rather large problem below the belt.
"Mum?"
Leon and Percy have already left the house, so I feel more comfortable talking plainly. Mum's always been easy to talk to, so I have no problems telling her I really don't want to go out tonight.
"What is it Gwaine?"
Although her face has a smile on it, I can see a tint of sadness in her eyes.
"Are you alright?"
She hesitates before lowering herself onto one of the kitchen chairs. Then calmly pats the seat beside her. I quickly sit down and grasp her hands in an attempt at comfort. I hate to see Mum sad.
"Cedric and I have always had our problems, and for a while I've been thinking about divorce. When I saw you boys ready to attack him, I just realized it really was time."
"So then why didn't you get one earlier?"
"Honestly…"
She takes a long intake of breathe before she continues, and I tighten my grip on her hands. The horn is blaring loudly in the background, but both of us ignore it.
"I didn't want to be alone. I mean Leon and Percy are off at Uni for most of the year, and next year you'll be leaving to do God knows what. I just…I thought that if I kept Cedric around I wouldn't have to be on my own."
I few stray tears fall from her eyes, and she pulls away from me to wipe them away. I've never thought about Mum feeling lonely. I guess I just assumed that regardless her life would be better without Cedric.
"I'll stay so you don't have to be alone. I mean really with my grades who knows if I'll even make it to Uni…"
"No you won't do that Gwaine. Regardless of whether or not you get into a good Uni, I know you'll find your way."
"Yeah, cause I'm free spirited, whatever that means?"
"Gwaine, I call you free spirited because every since you were little you always did things your way. Leon and Percy always followed instructions, but not you. I remember telling you to go to bed, and you kissed my cheek and ran into your room. When I came to check on you to make sure you were sleeping, I found you underneath your sheets with a flashlight playing some sort of game. When I pulled the blanket off of you all you did was smile and say, what's wrong I'm in bed."
I can't help but laugh when the memory of that night comes back to me. I guess it could be said that I was a bit of a difficult child.
"You've always done things your way Gwaine, and as strange as it might sound I've never really worried about you getting through life. In so many ways you're like me, and that's why I know that I'll be alright on my own. Besides unlike you're brothers I know you'll visit me every chance you get."
I wrap my arms around her, as if to breathe in just a bit of her unshakable strength. No one could have ever asked for a better mother.
"Even if I have to trek through the woods for days and steal a horse"
We finally separate and bring ourselves to stand. Mum's soft giggles at my words bringing a wide smile to my face, and I realize as long as I have her I'll never be alone.
"Bloody hell, they're going to destroy the horn the way they're carrying on. Could neither of them get off their lazy arses and just come back in to see what was wrong?"
She leaves the kitchen, and I follow behind her but refrain from putting on my boots. It's only when she's about to open the door that she notices I'm standing by the stairs, and I've taken my coat off.
"You're not coming to dinner?"
"Not really in the mood for a family dinner tonight"
"Is it because of Cedric? Did Leon or Percy do something? Cause you know I'll sort them if they did."
"No Mum nothing like that. I'm just not in the mood tonight. I promise that tomorrow, I'll be there with a cheeky smile, and charm galore."
"Well alright, your Aunt Anna will be disappointed, but I guess you'll suffer enough tomorrow at Uther's dinner."
"Ugh fuck"
"Don't I know it. I couldn't tell you what my sister saw in that monster. Though, I guess he is sort of fit"
"Oh god mum just stop and go before you say something that we'll both regret."
"Too right. Okay, we'll be back in a few hours, no parties. You can invite Lance over if you want, but that's it. No girls!"
The last thing I plan on doing tonight is inviting anybody over, even Lance. He's probably looking at the bloody engagement ring I told him not to buy. Fuck, everything is such a mess.
"Whatever mum, bye"
I all but push her out the door before quickly sprinting up the stairs and falling on my bed. I take a quick look at my mobile and see that Gwen rang me about five times, and Lance's messaged me twice asking how he should propose. I'm tempted to message back not at all, but instead throw my mobile onto my dresser and close my eyes. I could really do with a good nap.
-o-
I open my eyes to complete darkness and silence. Obviously Mum Leon and Percy aren't back yet, or darkness and silence would have been an impossibility. Mum is pretty much afraid of the dark, and Leon and Percy don't know the meaning of the word quiet when they're together.
I sluggishly stretch my limbs, as I slowly get up off my rather comfortable bed. I anxiously sign into my laptop, and sigh at the noise that comes from my stomach. I'm clearly hungry, so I run downstairs to grab some cold pizza out of the fridge, and scarf down a few slices before making a quick stop at the toilets.
When I return to my bedroom the nervousness comes with me. I can't believe I'm actually about to do this, but I need to know. I sit down at my desk chair facing the window, but then quickly jump up when I realize the blinds are open. After I close them, I slowly make my way back to the chair.
"Fuck it Gwaine, just get it over with. No one will know."
Though, it's not the fear of anyone knowing, but rather what this could lead to - what it could mean for me.
I'm not unfamiliar with online porn, so I type in a website and pull down my zipper as the page loads. Once my flaccid cock is resting on the outside of my leg, I look back at the computer and search for gay porn. While I scroll through all the different videos of men I can't help but feel dirty. I'm not homophobic, but I'm scared as hell at the idea of being bent. I've seen the way people treat you when you're a puff, and I'm man enough to admit I don't want to know how that feels.
I end up clicking on a video that doesn't look too intimidating, and slowly start to stroke myself. The men are only touching each others bulges, and internally I'm jumping for joy that my cock hasn't done anything besides remain flaccid. Then the unthinkable happens, it moves. Nothing monumental, but enough that I notice I'm not as soft as I once was. As the men on screen peel off their clothes and begin touching each other, I get harder.
I pause the video and quickly drop my hand from my shaft. I can feel water on my face, and I realize I'm crying. This can't be happening, I can't be… Fuck why me? Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough with girls? That has to be it, I can't be that…
"Gwaine?"
I instantly close my laptop and pull my pants back on. Who the fuck is that?
I turn around slowly, my heart racing at what I know the intruder has seen and heard. The laptop is facing my door. I just hadn't thought it'd be an issue because no one's home. Hell I didn't even hear the front door open.
"Merlin, what the fuck are you doing here?"
My palms have started sweating, and I can't help but avoid his eyes. I can't handle being judged right now.
"I'm sorry, I was walking to Arthur's but I got tired. Your house was the closest, so I thought I'd come here. When I saw all the lights off, and the car gone I thought no one was home."
"So you just thought you'd walk into my house and make yourself at home?"
As angry as I am at being caught, I can't help but notice something's off with Merlin. Yes, he's been losing a lot of weight recently, and walking around like a ghost in College, but it's the look on his face that unnerves me. Merlin looks like he's lost it.
"I'm just really tired"
And to prove his point he all but collapses on my bed, and vomits on my sheets.
"Shit, sorry"
I run to get a towel to wipe the vomit from his face, and a water bottle from the fridge. Where the hell is Merlin coming from? Someone who looks like him shouldn't even be walking to the bathroom without help, let alone outdoors in this temperature.
"Don't worry about it, that's why they invented washing machines."
I smile to try and lighten the mood, but I'm seriously contemplating calling an ambulance.
"Where were you walking from?"
After wiping his face clean, I raise the bottle to his lips and wait for him to swallow before sitting on the floor in front of him. For obvious reasons sitting on my bed isn't an option.
"The hospital"
My eyes bulge at his words, and if he didn't already look like such a mess I would have hit him for his own stupidity. The hospitals about fifteen minutes drive from Arthur's place, why the hell was Merlin walking there?
"Why were you watching two guys having sex?"
I open and close my mouth for lack of anything better to do. I hadn't been expecting Merlin to be so blunt, but I guess I'd have done the same thing if I'd walked in on someone else doing it. Actually that would have been the first thing out of my mouth, but mum always says I'm tactless sometimes.
"I…I…I was just checking something"
"Are you gay?"
Just like Berty Merlin hadn't asked the question with disgust, just surprise.
"I've had sex with a woman"
Merlin's face instantly changes from surprise to confusion. How confusing it must be to find out that the supposed player of Camelot has really only ever slept with one woman. I can't even remember the damn experience, which is probably for the best.
"You've only ever had sex with one woman? What about all the girls that claim they slept with you?"
"Apparently they're liars"
I really did not want to get into this right now. Here is Merlin lying on my bed practically looking like death, asking me about my past sexual encounters. His priorities were definitely off right now.
"Merlin this isn't the right time for this, you need to go to hospital. You're obviously not well."
"Obviously, just answer the question Gwaine. You tell me your secret, and I'll tell you mine."
This is madness, I know it is. The last thing I need or want, are more secrets, but there's something in Merlin's eye that's begging me to continue.
"So I'm at this party getting pissed because my mum's about to marry this ultimate wanker, and I don't know what happens but next morning I'm waking up beside this girl. She's naked, I'm naked, and there's blood all over the sheet she's sleeping on. Not to mention the used condom in the bin."
I don't think it would be a good idea to tell Merlin that this girl is Gwen; the less people that know the better.
"So, you don't even remember actually having sex with this girl?"
"Well no, but it's obvious that's what happened. We were both naked, and the blood and condom."
Merlin doesn't really look convinced, and his lack of certainty is starting to make me question that night in a way I never have before.
"So you just assume you shagged a girl because you both woke up beside each other naked? Who's to say she didn't have sex with someone else, and you just happened to fall asleep in the room later?"
"No that can't be right because I passed out on the couch, and then after I moved into the room to have sex."
Wait, that didn't make any sense.
"Alright, so you pass out on a couch, and then somehow end up shagging some girl and taking her virginity in another room?"
I rub my temples in frustration because none of what I'm saying makes sense anymore. The last thing I remember is screaming the Spice Girls lyrics to Wannabe, and then falling on the couch I was jumping on and blacking out. How the fuck did I even end up in that room with Gwen?
"Shit, what the fuck happened that night?"
"Clearly not what you think happened, and if you're well…you know, how did you have sex with a girl?"
I ignore Merlin's last comment, and instead focus on his first. I'd just taken in the room and assumed that Gwen and I had sex, but things weren't adding up anymore. Someone obviously brought me into the room with Gwen, but why?
"Holy fuck! No, this can't be happening"
I get up off the floor and pace the average sized space of my room, while Merlin drinks more of the water I gave him. Someone fucking set me up that night. They had to have known that Gwen and Lance were dating, and that I'm his best mate. Anyone knows mates don't fuck their mate's girlfriends and tell. They made it seem as if I did it so that it would stay silent. The only reason Gwen never told anyone was because I begged her not to.
"Fuck"
Bloody hell, Gwen was raped, and the bastard put the fucking blame on me. How could I be so thick? If no girl has every made me hard, why would Gwen?
"It's not that bad, so what you're a virgin? Lots of blokes are virgins; especially ones in your situation Gwaine."
I ignore Merlin right now as I think of what the fuck I should do. I can't tell Gwen that's for sure. I'd rather let her think I took her virginity than some fucking twat who raped her at a party. She deserves better, even if it means settling for me. The only thing I know is that I'm going to find the fucker who did it, and make them pay for the pain they caused us.
I'm only brought out of my vengeful thoughts when I hear the sound of whimpering. Merlin is curled up on my bed in the fetal position crying. What the fuck happened in the past five minutes that brought this on?
"What's wrong mate?"
I push thoughts of Gwen and that party to the back of my mind for now, but as soon as I've dealt with Merlin I know they'll come flooding back.
He looks at me with those same empty eyes he entered my room with, and I wonder how his mood could have changed so quickly. When we were talking he wasn't necessarily happy, but he wasn't this sad either.
"She's dead"
My heartbeat increases after he says the words, and because of where my mind has been my thoughts instantly turn to Gwen. I quickly run to my mobile and see that she's messaged me only a few minutes ago, begging me to ring her.
"Who's dead Merlin?"
He raises his hollow eyes to me, and a shiver runs down my spine at the action. As far back as I can remember Merlin's always been a happy person, but the person in front of me now is nothing more than a shell.
"Freya, she died this afternoon."
Who the hell is Freya? It really doesn't help that Merlin and I don't talk that often, so I know shit all about his personal life.
"Is that why you were at the hospital?"
I know it's not the obvious question that's going through my mind right now, but I think straying from the norm is exactly what I need to do to get to the bottom of this. However, Merlin's laughter is the last thing I expected to hear in response.
"No that's not why I was there. Freya and I both have Leukemia, but hers was more severe than mine. I went for my chemo, and when I went to her room to visit her they told me she'd died a few minutes earlier. I didn't even get to fucking say goodbye to her. If I'd just visited her first I would have been able to see her one last time."
Merlin said a lot, but all I really heard is that he has cancer. Did Arthur know?
"After I found out I walked out the back of the building so my Mum wouldn't see me, and started walking to Arthur's house. I got too tired to make it there so I collapsed on your doorstep, then I discovered the door was open so I walked in."
"And so that's why you…holy fuck Merlin. All this time you've had cancer"
I drag my hands through my hair, and have to stop myself from ripping each hair from my head. This is too fucking much to handle. Gwen was raped, Merlin has cancer, and I'm probably into guys. What the fuck kind of place is the world turning into?
"I wanted to die tonight Gwaine. I just got so tired of fighting. Losing Freya was like losing faith. I was hoping to die while I was out there walking, but I saw your house and I just thought of everyone I'd be letting down if I gave up."
I fall back on the floor, and look back at Merlin whose staring at the ceiling with silent tears dripping down his face. He doesn't say anymore.
I want to say something to him, but I don't believe he wants me to. I think right now Merlin just needs someone to listen and be there for him without pity, and I can understand that more than anyone. Suicide had briefly crossed my mind when I started getting hard at the sight of two men shagging.
"Merlin will you tell anyone about what you saw tonight?"
"No, it's not my business to tell anyone your secrets. I hope the same goes for you?"
"My lips are sealed"
"Does Arthur know?"
"No"
The room is silent after that, and I wonder about my cousin's best mate. I've always just thought of Merlin as the strange kid with big ears, but now I can only see a person who I can't help but respect. Merlin's the strongest of us all.
"You want to stay the night?"
"Yeah, might as well"
"Do you have anything you should be taking?"
"Just some pain pills in my coat pocket"
"Alright"
I know I have to take off the sheet Merlin's laying on, but for now I'll let him think of his Freya fondly. There's always time for sleep later.
I jump up to grab my mobile. I feel bad for the way I've been ignoring Gwen because I know that she doesn't deserve it. When I see that it's gone twelve I can't help but smile. It's Christmas.
"Happy Christmas Merlin"
"Happy Christmas Gwaine"
I know Merlin's not in the best of spirits, but I plan on hearing all about Freya when he's ready to talk again; I think that's really all he wants to do. For now I simply ring Gwen and hope that she's still awake.
"Gwaine"
I tense at the frantic pitch in her tone.
"Gwen what's happened, are you all right?"
I've never heard Gwen sound so scared. I can see Merlin slowly lifting himself so he's now sitting on the bed, but I have no answer for his questioning stare. What the hell am I really going to tell him?
"Remember I told you I've been feeling sick. Well I also realized I hadn't gotten my period all month, and Arthur and I hadn't used protection. So I thought maybe I should take a pregnancy test just to make sure it's only stress. But Gwaine, I'm pregnant. I'm fucking pregnant."
Happy fucking Christmas indeed.
Thank you for reading!:)
Next is Chapter 5: Elaine