Lunar Eclipse
Well, it has turned out to be a lovely evening for me. lol
I woke up at 4 in the afternoon (after waking up at 11 and "accidentally" falling back asleep lol) and went to my weigh in (down 18 pounds and counting!!!! :D) before hanging out with my friend Diana. We went to go pick up some yarn so she could make a present for Grace and then she got called in to work so our hang out got cut a little short. Then my friend Anthony came over to regale us (myself, Kaitie and Fergus) about his most recent upset with the ex (which made me very reflecty about James and I) and as I was coming on to write about all that that had made me think of, Jenn came online. And we just spent the last ... 3 ish hours chatting/voice chatting via yahoo messenger. And you know... there is just something about the relationship I share with Jenn that makes me feel so at ease and so at peace with my life.... I wish I could explain it. I have a similar relationship with several of my friends but there has always been something very unique to our particular friendship that I could never explain. Maybe especially with the James stuff it has a lot to do with that she knew me before, very much throughout, and then has been there throughout. Regardless, I find a lot of that companionable intimacy with her that I know is what I'm lacking in a relationship. So having had the opportunity to catch up with her while still doing plenty of our talking about everything and nothing has really left me feeling very fulfilled this evening.
Sorry, this song just came on and I know this is some great advice to live by. Oh Nickelback. lol
My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day
Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day
If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day
*sigh* I wish I feel like I had more to say. I know that Ryan's entry which was much related to me had a very good impact on me. Surprisingly, I'd never heard of friendships being compared to plants but it makes a lot of sense. And if you have too many plants to try and water you run out of time and energy. And I know in the past I have often failed to maintain them. I wonder if there's a kind of plant that exists that only needs extensive time every once in a while. Like, something that takes a while to get started. There's a lot of cultivating and all of that. And then once started seems to strive well on it's own so long as you find the time to tend to it with great care when you do have the time and ability to do so. Those are the kinds of friends that I cherish. Jenn, Ryan, Lisa, Gabe, Christian... My sisters, of course. I have a few other friends that are on this route. I have a few friends who probably could use some tending to that could get back to that sort of status.
It's just amazing to me, the more I think about it, how truly important that friendships can be. I've always known relationships were very important to me, but I guess I've kind of forgotten along the way that it's the depth of the friendship that makes all the difference in the world. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. I just know that, in this very moment of my existence, I AM okay being a single woman. Because those things that I've been missing are still there. Maybe I don't have someone to hold me in the middle of the night. But I do have people who love me unconditionally and that I love unconditionally. And it's not only the unconditional love... it's the CHOICE of unconditional love that makes friendships (true, deep ones) so very important and so very beautiful. I've always known that the person I someday marry will be my best friend. Which I think is part of what has made letting go of James so hard. I've tried to continue to water his plant. And really I should let it figure out how to survive on it's own. In someone else's garden. Maybe when I've gotten used to not seeing it around and watering I could go visit it in the other person's garden. But it certainly doesn't need to be in mine anymore. This also makes me aware that I've been approaching dating the wrong way. I mean, there's still the issue of needing to find different places to meet new people. But that's the rub, right there. I need to find a way to meet PEOPLE. Not a potential boyfriend. I need to find a way to meet someone who is like-minded and who I can cultivate a generalized relationship with before trying so desperately to put some kind of label on it. I know all of this and more. And I know it in this moment in time. But that doesn't mean that in the morning I won't struggle again. But maybe this will be a good reminder for me that I am okay. And that I know certain strategies about how to get into the right place (both physically and emotionally) to start off this whole dating thing with a new approach. Right frame of mind. And I'm sure it wouldn't hurt a bit to talk to God about all this and be sure he continues to have a hand in things and that I continue to have an open mind so's I can hear it when he talks to me.
Actually, that's probably exactly what I should do right now while everything is still fresh in my mind and I am in the right frame of mind.
Thank you to my friends (both those who will read this and those who will not) who have very clearly kept me afloat in both the good times and the bad. And piss off to the ones who I've already rid myself of who have, at some time or another, certainly had a hand in some of the poor decisions I've made in the past. I'm ready to continue to grow and continue to cultivate myself (with some loving water sprinkled from loved ones) and be the person I know that I not only CAN be but the person I am MEANT to be. <3 <3 <3 <3
I woke up at 4 in the afternoon (after waking up at 11 and "accidentally" falling back asleep lol) and went to my weigh in (down 18 pounds and counting!!!! :D) before hanging out with my friend Diana. We went to go pick up some yarn so she could make a present for Grace and then she got called in to work so our hang out got cut a little short. Then my friend Anthony came over to regale us (myself, Kaitie and Fergus) about his most recent upset with the ex (which made me very reflecty about James and I) and as I was coming on to write about all that that had made me think of, Jenn came online. And we just spent the last ... 3 ish hours chatting/voice chatting via yahoo messenger. And you know... there is just something about the relationship I share with Jenn that makes me feel so at ease and so at peace with my life.... I wish I could explain it. I have a similar relationship with several of my friends but there has always been something very unique to our particular friendship that I could never explain. Maybe especially with the James stuff it has a lot to do with that she knew me before, very much throughout, and then has been there throughout. Regardless, I find a lot of that companionable intimacy with her that I know is what I'm lacking in a relationship. So having had the opportunity to catch up with her while still doing plenty of our talking about everything and nothing has really left me feeling very fulfilled this evening.
Sorry, this song just came on and I know this is some great advice to live by. Oh Nickelback. lol
My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day
Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day
If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day
*sigh* I wish I feel like I had more to say. I know that Ryan's entry which was much related to me had a very good impact on me. Surprisingly, I'd never heard of friendships being compared to plants but it makes a lot of sense. And if you have too many plants to try and water you run out of time and energy. And I know in the past I have often failed to maintain them. I wonder if there's a kind of plant that exists that only needs extensive time every once in a while. Like, something that takes a while to get started. There's a lot of cultivating and all of that. And then once started seems to strive well on it's own so long as you find the time to tend to it with great care when you do have the time and ability to do so. Those are the kinds of friends that I cherish. Jenn, Ryan, Lisa, Gabe, Christian... My sisters, of course. I have a few other friends that are on this route. I have a few friends who probably could use some tending to that could get back to that sort of status.
It's just amazing to me, the more I think about it, how truly important that friendships can be. I've always known relationships were very important to me, but I guess I've kind of forgotten along the way that it's the depth of the friendship that makes all the difference in the world. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. I just know that, in this very moment of my existence, I AM okay being a single woman. Because those things that I've been missing are still there. Maybe I don't have someone to hold me in the middle of the night. But I do have people who love me unconditionally and that I love unconditionally. And it's not only the unconditional love... it's the CHOICE of unconditional love that makes friendships (true, deep ones) so very important and so very beautiful. I've always known that the person I someday marry will be my best friend. Which I think is part of what has made letting go of James so hard. I've tried to continue to water his plant. And really I should let it figure out how to survive on it's own. In someone else's garden. Maybe when I've gotten used to not seeing it around and watering I could go visit it in the other person's garden. But it certainly doesn't need to be in mine anymore. This also makes me aware that I've been approaching dating the wrong way. I mean, there's still the issue of needing to find different places to meet new people. But that's the rub, right there. I need to find a way to meet PEOPLE. Not a potential boyfriend. I need to find a way to meet someone who is like-minded and who I can cultivate a generalized relationship with before trying so desperately to put some kind of label on it. I know all of this and more. And I know it in this moment in time. But that doesn't mean that in the morning I won't struggle again. But maybe this will be a good reminder for me that I am okay. And that I know certain strategies about how to get into the right place (both physically and emotionally) to start off this whole dating thing with a new approach. Right frame of mind. And I'm sure it wouldn't hurt a bit to talk to God about all this and be sure he continues to have a hand in things and that I continue to have an open mind so's I can hear it when he talks to me.
Actually, that's probably exactly what I should do right now while everything is still fresh in my mind and I am in the right frame of mind.
Thank you to my friends (both those who will read this and those who will not) who have very clearly kept me afloat in both the good times and the bad. And piss off to the ones who I've already rid myself of who have, at some time or another, certainly had a hand in some of the poor decisions I've made in the past. I'm ready to continue to grow and continue to cultivate myself (with some loving water sprinkled from loved ones) and be the person I know that I not only CAN be but the person I am MEANT to be. <3 <3 <3 <3