Look, I live...
To all of you, I apologize for dropping off the face of the earth. It's been an... interesting year.
First, I'm newly blogging at http://trainingchyk.blogspot.com - you're welcome to visit me there. Be aware that it's primarily philosophy and politics.
I think perhaps it might be most useful for me to post the message I posted to my clan in August to start off:
August 2004:
I have been pretty quiet and out of touch recently, I know. So I thought I'd share some stuffs, if anyone out there has an interest. If not, feel free to return to your regularly scheduled e-mail. :)
Work is still pretty much all-consuming and will be until April 2006. No, I'm not kidding. That's how long I'm signed on to this project for, and it really does take that much time and energy. It's exciting - I'm given lots of responsibility, and am pretty much universally respected and praised for my abilities, which is an extremely novel concept for me in the workplace environment and I must say I'm thriving on it, even when it does mean I'm writing procedural documents at 2 AM (and YES, I've really done that over the last couple months, more than once!). I'm trying very hard not to give up my other committments, but they are definitely down to minimal energy. If anyone feels I should more formally take a leave of absence or anything like that, please don't feel shy about addressing it with me. I don't want people to think I don't care, but I also am realistic about my energy levels, and want people to be honest about what they need from me versus what I am capable of giving.
I also took an honest assessment of the more personal parts of my life and decided it's really time to give myself the opportunity to move forward instead of sitting in a holding pattern. I watched Dag with Branwedd when she came to visit last month, and have heard him on the phone with her/in computer chat with her, and I think that anyone who can't see that those two are still goofy in love with each other is blind. :) And I realized that I want the opportunity to find someone I can be goofy in love with too, perhaps, someday. So while no living arrangement changes or filed papers are happening immediately due to little needs like, oh, medical insurance, at some point we will completely split up, I will free him to marry her, and I will be "back on the market" as they say. :) I've made a couple approaches to people at work and discovered that no one wants to date someone until they're really all the way divorced (understandable. Disappointing, but understandable) so I think it's in my best interests to eventually get that way. :) Interestingly, I have no interest in casual sex or polyamory now (sorry to the sex-positive crowd out there). I don't know if it's that I'm 36-and-a-half, or just that I've been there, done that, but I kinda want to wait until it's special now. And I've figured out that I have no way of figuring out how or where the lightning strikes, as I've had it hit with people who don't seem on the surface to be much alike at all, and there have been many people who on paper are perfect mates with me who there's just no chemistry with. So, I think this is where I get to learn my lesson about 'trust' - to trust God to be weaving this story where it needs to go.
Ah, yes, God. I also have come to the conclusion that, while I'm not completely changing my practices, I'm going to use less labels to describe my own spirituality. A common theme among people with whom I've had that afore-mentioned lightning strike is that I have some sort of religious conflict with them. When a theme runs through your life repeatedly, it's a karmic lesson you need to learn, and it's something in yourself. And I think mine is that I only have conflict when I try to put my beliefs in a box and get out the label-maker. What my core belief, the center of my soul, is is my relationship with That Which Is, whatever one calls Him/Her/Them. The practices have changed. The structures have changed. The names I've used have changed. The relationship has never changed. It is the center of who and what I am, and that is perhaps the only point of my life that is unchanging, especially lately. So don't panic if, for example, you don't see the pentacle around my neck. The chain of the necklace is still there, and that's my "wedding ring to God" as I put it once, years and years ago (when I still used a different name for God). But I don't want to be limited by the words or the symbols now.
Along with this, you'll also see me going by Suzanne more than Cecylyna, I suspect, as I try to do a better job of incorporating all of who and what I am into one "self" and not setting one part aside with a special name/label.
-=-=-=-
That was the starting point. Since then I've formally resigned as priestess, filled out my divorce paperwork (though it's not through yet, it should be soonish), failed in an almost-relationship with a co-worker (darnit!), and am pretty much ready to move forward with a new life that I suspect will be different in many ways from the old. And while it's scary and all, it's also exciting.
Feel free to email me at trainingchyk at yahoo dot com if you want to chat!
First, I'm newly blogging at http://trainingchyk.blogspot.com - you're welcome to visit me there. Be aware that it's primarily philosophy and politics.
I think perhaps it might be most useful for me to post the message I posted to my clan in August to start off:
August 2004:
I have been pretty quiet and out of touch recently, I know. So I thought I'd share some stuffs, if anyone out there has an interest. If not, feel free to return to your regularly scheduled e-mail. :)
Work is still pretty much all-consuming and will be until April 2006. No, I'm not kidding. That's how long I'm signed on to this project for, and it really does take that much time and energy. It's exciting - I'm given lots of responsibility, and am pretty much universally respected and praised for my abilities, which is an extremely novel concept for me in the workplace environment and I must say I'm thriving on it, even when it does mean I'm writing procedural documents at 2 AM (and YES, I've really done that over the last couple months, more than once!). I'm trying very hard not to give up my other committments, but they are definitely down to minimal energy. If anyone feels I should more formally take a leave of absence or anything like that, please don't feel shy about addressing it with me. I don't want people to think I don't care, but I also am realistic about my energy levels, and want people to be honest about what they need from me versus what I am capable of giving.
I also took an honest assessment of the more personal parts of my life and decided it's really time to give myself the opportunity to move forward instead of sitting in a holding pattern. I watched Dag with Branwedd when she came to visit last month, and have heard him on the phone with her/in computer chat with her, and I think that anyone who can't see that those two are still goofy in love with each other is blind. :) And I realized that I want the opportunity to find someone I can be goofy in love with too, perhaps, someday. So while no living arrangement changes or filed papers are happening immediately due to little needs like, oh, medical insurance, at some point we will completely split up, I will free him to marry her, and I will be "back on the market" as they say. :) I've made a couple approaches to people at work and discovered that no one wants to date someone until they're really all the way divorced (understandable. Disappointing, but understandable) so I think it's in my best interests to eventually get that way. :) Interestingly, I have no interest in casual sex or polyamory now (sorry to the sex-positive crowd out there). I don't know if it's that I'm 36-and-a-half, or just that I've been there, done that, but I kinda want to wait until it's special now. And I've figured out that I have no way of figuring out how or where the lightning strikes, as I've had it hit with people who don't seem on the surface to be much alike at all, and there have been many people who on paper are perfect mates with me who there's just no chemistry with. So, I think this is where I get to learn my lesson about 'trust' - to trust God to be weaving this story where it needs to go.
Ah, yes, God. I also have come to the conclusion that, while I'm not completely changing my practices, I'm going to use less labels to describe my own spirituality. A common theme among people with whom I've had that afore-mentioned lightning strike is that I have some sort of religious conflict with them. When a theme runs through your life repeatedly, it's a karmic lesson you need to learn, and it's something in yourself. And I think mine is that I only have conflict when I try to put my beliefs in a box and get out the label-maker. What my core belief, the center of my soul, is is my relationship with That Which Is, whatever one calls Him/Her/Them. The practices have changed. The structures have changed. The names I've used have changed. The relationship has never changed. It is the center of who and what I am, and that is perhaps the only point of my life that is unchanging, especially lately. So don't panic if, for example, you don't see the pentacle around my neck. The chain of the necklace is still there, and that's my "wedding ring to God" as I put it once, years and years ago (when I still used a different name for God). But I don't want to be limited by the words or the symbols now.
Along with this, you'll also see me going by Suzanne more than Cecylyna, I suspect, as I try to do a better job of incorporating all of who and what I am into one "self" and not setting one part aside with a special name/label.
-=-=-=-
That was the starting point. Since then I've formally resigned as priestess, filled out my divorce paperwork (though it's not through yet, it should be soonish), failed in an almost-relationship with a co-worker (darnit!), and am pretty much ready to move forward with a new life that I suspect will be different in many ways from the old. And while it's scary and all, it's also exciting.
Feel free to email me at trainingchyk at yahoo dot com if you want to chat!