Yeah, so
I don't really know how to start this. I've never felt nervous writing on here before but right now I'm feeling nauseous because I'm scared of the response I'm going to get: sympathy, apathy, annoyance?
I've been feeling horrible for the past couple of months. It's gone to some dark places, thoughts about killing myself (but talking about it pretty much ensures it's never going to happen, I suppose), crying myself to sleep every night and sometimes all day when I was home alone, making endless lists of the reasons I'll be forever alone and why I deserve it. It was the most brutal I've ever been with myself.
I've debated the merits of deleting my Twitter account without telling anyone because why would anyone want me around anyway. If people noticed at all. I thought about throwing my phone away as well. I only kept it because of work, honestly.
I'm trying hard to articulate how I feel without slipping into over-indulgent self-pity but it's really hard.
Um, I guess I feel lonely, unwanted, useless. Disgusting, any way you look at it; the inside doesn't even salvage the outside. I'm an abomination and I completely understand why noone wants to hang out.
I also have enough perspective (today, anyway) to know this is irrational. Even if you guys wanted to hang out, we couldn't (thanks, geography).
I'm not going to go into details because it'd be too much of a bum-out. Incidentally, it's also why I haven't reached out to anyone to talk about it: 1) Everyone's got problems, who am I to inflict mine on anyone? 2) Nobody wants to hear that sob story again. 3) Hey, you have lives, let's not disturb it with heavy depression.
And anyway, I've come to the point that I don't believe anything nice that comes out of people's mouths if it's about me. Don't tell me I'm great, funny or smart. I'll just nod and smile and say 'thank you' but it'll be a robotic answer. The compliment won't even register.
And, I don't know, it's probably pretty telling that the reaction I expect for this entry is people scoffing in disgust at how weak I am and just scrolling on.
I'm not sure how to stop feeling that way. How do people feel good about themselves? Or at least feel okay. I'd settle for resigned and accepting, really.
I'm so stupid.
I've been feeling horrible for the past couple of months. It's gone to some dark places, thoughts about killing myself (but talking about it pretty much ensures it's never going to happen, I suppose), crying myself to sleep every night and sometimes all day when I was home alone, making endless lists of the reasons I'll be forever alone and why I deserve it. It was the most brutal I've ever been with myself.
I've debated the merits of deleting my Twitter account without telling anyone because why would anyone want me around anyway. If people noticed at all. I thought about throwing my phone away as well. I only kept it because of work, honestly.
I'm trying hard to articulate how I feel without slipping into over-indulgent self-pity but it's really hard.
Um, I guess I feel lonely, unwanted, useless. Disgusting, any way you look at it; the inside doesn't even salvage the outside. I'm an abomination and I completely understand why noone wants to hang out.
I also have enough perspective (today, anyway) to know this is irrational. Even if you guys wanted to hang out, we couldn't (thanks, geography).
I'm not going to go into details because it'd be too much of a bum-out. Incidentally, it's also why I haven't reached out to anyone to talk about it: 1) Everyone's got problems, who am I to inflict mine on anyone? 2) Nobody wants to hear that sob story again. 3) Hey, you have lives, let's not disturb it with heavy depression.
And anyway, I've come to the point that I don't believe anything nice that comes out of people's mouths if it's about me. Don't tell me I'm great, funny or smart. I'll just nod and smile and say 'thank you' but it'll be a robotic answer. The compliment won't even register.
And, I don't know, it's probably pretty telling that the reaction I expect for this entry is people scoffing in disgust at how weak I am and just scrolling on.
I'm not sure how to stop feeling that way. How do people feel good about themselves? Or at least feel okay. I'd settle for resigned and accepting, really.
I'm so stupid.