shitty day
ok, so i woke up at one...because i was up late textin Stephanie and Mullet (nick) and Matt. But all i did today was be on this dumb thing then took ashley home then came back and got right back on here then ate supper. i was supposed to hang out with matt but he couldn't get a car, so that sucks. Im so aggravated. I cant wait for school to start. Im so sick of being bored damnit. Then i always feel like im in everyone's way. I have no friends, really. Life really sucks right now. But this girl is going to help me so i'll update this entry later....byez...
Ok im back, but as i was saying. I don't think highly of myself. my self esteem is literally nothing. I don't feel like i deserve anything. I don't feel like im good for anything. Everything in my life is so random and different. I feel lonely constantly like i have no one i can turn to. sure, i have my grandparents, but they burden enough as it is. I have my mom, but i feel like i can't take nothing from her, even time because of what happened. (too long to explain, plus kind of personal. those who know me, know what im talking about) I have my dad, but he hasn't really been in my life much, so there's no connection there. I have vikki but she goes through enough as it is with baby ashlynn..(hehe i wuv her!). I have ashley but i feel like i can't really talk to her. Ok, so i know im lucky to have all these people, but i still feel low. I know i know things could be worse, but just cuz they could be doesn't mean i dun think things are bad right now. I seriously don't know what to do with myself. what to think, what to actually do physically, whats happening to me mentally. I think im going insane. Everything is so fucked up right now. I really restless with my life. I know what i want, i just need motivation of some sort to get me going. to make me realize im running out of time.
And there is another flaw with me. I like "fall in love" with every guy i could potentially date. I am just so afraid of being alone. Besides that i love being cuddled and feel like im loved, wanted, and needed. Not that my family doesn't love, want, or need me but its a different kind of feeling. I try not to be like i am, but "I am what i am" i guess. and i can change, im just tired of having to work so hard at everything i do. Im exhausted at life. pretty sad because im only 15. sometimes i feel like i have nothing to live for, when in reality i have everything to live for. It just seems like nothing at this point. Well thats enought whining at this point in time, i'll more than likely be back later!
Ok im back, but as i was saying. I don't think highly of myself. my self esteem is literally nothing. I don't feel like i deserve anything. I don't feel like im good for anything. Everything in my life is so random and different. I feel lonely constantly like i have no one i can turn to. sure, i have my grandparents, but they burden enough as it is. I have my mom, but i feel like i can't take nothing from her, even time because of what happened. (too long to explain, plus kind of personal. those who know me, know what im talking about) I have my dad, but he hasn't really been in my life much, so there's no connection there. I have vikki but she goes through enough as it is with baby ashlynn..(hehe i wuv her!). I have ashley but i feel like i can't really talk to her. Ok, so i know im lucky to have all these people, but i still feel low. I know i know things could be worse, but just cuz they could be doesn't mean i dun think things are bad right now. I seriously don't know what to do with myself. what to think, what to actually do physically, whats happening to me mentally. I think im going insane. Everything is so fucked up right now. I really restless with my life. I know what i want, i just need motivation of some sort to get me going. to make me realize im running out of time.
And there is another flaw with me. I like "fall in love" with every guy i could potentially date. I am just so afraid of being alone. Besides that i love being cuddled and feel like im loved, wanted, and needed. Not that my family doesn't love, want, or need me but its a different kind of feeling. I try not to be like i am, but "I am what i am" i guess. and i can change, im just tired of having to work so hard at everything i do. Im exhausted at life. pretty sad because im only 15. sometimes i feel like i have nothing to live for, when in reality i have everything to live for. It just seems like nothing at this point. Well thats enought whining at this point in time, i'll more than likely be back later!