i did what my body told me to.
I've come to the conclusion, that sometimes I'd rather my friends be happy than myself. I figure, whether correctly or incorrectly, that I can handle it better than them. And I'm writing this now, just because its a weird feeling, and I have a half hour to kill, kinda, though I'll probably end up being late to call anyways, oh well. But anyways, I really think that this is true. If I know that something that others may expect to hurt me will make a friend happy, and not depressed, then I am for it. I can handle being unhappy, and trust myself. So, I feel like I'd rather take their hurt. I can remember being younger and thinking that that is a stupid philosophy. I thought it would be better to just look out for yourself. Don't get me wrong however, I still feel this way, probably more drastically than most people too. I am by no means a "yes" person. This is different. This is more happiness in the terms of well-being and enjoying life. Back to what I was saying though, I think me now feeling this way may be a form of growing up, however, I don't know if that is actually the case, because I still feel very much sometimes spasms of not caring about others at all. And doing what I would do without thinking of consequences. I don't know if its a personality confliction that I have, or if its completely normal. Or if its just plain horrible. It is most likely the latter. I erally do feel like I would never want to hurt people I care about the way I've felt hurt before. But the thing is, is I don't think I've had a life with very much hurt in it at all. I can think of four main reasons that I cried last year, and I think the only reason that is worthwhile, was my grandmother dying. But I don't even get why that affected (effected?) me so much. When my grandfather died in 2002, I cried once, and that was when my mum told me he had died. I didn't even cry at the funeral, wake, or burial. However, with my grandmother, I even cried in school. And I was so much closer with and similar to my grandfather. I'm not sure where this tangent is going, or this sine over cosine. I love the evolution of words sometimes, I currently forget the proper name for what I'm talking about. But its something that Muriel and I have said to eachtoehr that it would be fun studying. I dont know.
Back to being conflicted. I don't know if what I'm talking about it normal, or absurd. I also don't know if it makes anysense. I think if I tried explaining it to Sarah or Muriel maybe (anyone else? not sure.) that they might get it, but I haven't even reread what I've written in the past five minutes, so I don't even know if it makes anysense. Its just, Ive been told I'm heartless, or soul-less, however, I've also been told that I can't consider what others will feel (not in the sense of repuations and stuff like that) because of what I do. I also realized that I don't reach out as much as some people do, but again, I reach out way more than how some other people do. I also realized a week or two ago, that I like keeping secrets. I know obviously if someone confides in me, I'lls tay silent, but I'm talking about my owns secrets, or facts I don't share. Secrets sound so gossipy, and jsut stupid. But I think the fewer that people know about something, the more special it can be. I guess the same is or can be true with music and books. I like when not many people know who I'm talking about when I talk about musicians. But however, I like sharing them with my friends. I think the same holds true for me with secerts.
This quite possibly may be the most rediculous entry I've ever written, and I really should start writing ones like this one just in my own journal, not on internet. I'll maybe just delete it later. I don't think I ever actually explained myself clearly. Oh well.
Back to being conflicted. I don't know if what I'm talking about it normal, or absurd. I also don't know if it makes anysense. I think if I tried explaining it to Sarah or Muriel maybe (anyone else? not sure.) that they might get it, but I haven't even reread what I've written in the past five minutes, so I don't even know if it makes anysense. Its just, Ive been told I'm heartless, or soul-less, however, I've also been told that I can't consider what others will feel (not in the sense of repuations and stuff like that) because of what I do. I also realized that I don't reach out as much as some people do, but again, I reach out way more than how some other people do. I also realized a week or two ago, that I like keeping secrets. I know obviously if someone confides in me, I'lls tay silent, but I'm talking about my owns secrets, or facts I don't share. Secrets sound so gossipy, and jsut stupid. But I think the fewer that people know about something, the more special it can be. I guess the same is or can be true with music and books. I like when not many people know who I'm talking about when I talk about musicians. But however, I like sharing them with my friends. I think the same holds true for me with secerts.
This quite possibly may be the most rediculous entry I've ever written, and I really should start writing ones like this one just in my own journal, not on internet. I'll maybe just delete it later. I don't think I ever actually explained myself clearly. Oh well.