(no subject)
It's midnight and outside there's a summer thunderstorm. I had a long afternoon nap to the sound of the rain that has delayed my bedtime quite a bit. So why not sit and type out some thoughts? I really love writing, I always feel like I'm unraveling the knots in my stomach, unwinding the golden string of truth in my soul.
This morning I experienced two beautiful friends of mine get married with their loving family and friends around them. It was so gorgeous and made me feel very gushy about Love. Marriage has never been something I've wanted, as my spiritual path has been winding in and out of churches and across the borders of tradition into the radical. Now the idea is really romantic to me. I am opening up to the idea that there really is a soul mate partnership out there... Someone to share life, dreams, and Love with. Someone to start a family with and watch our seeds blossom. Someone to nurture through the joys and sorrows. I have no idea who this could be, but Love that it's a possibility.
There have been a few signposts along the way pointing to someone, and although I find this idea exciting, my heart's been in turmoil since. All my insecurities and issues have been pulled up and are floating around me. I feel unexplainable anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, enthusiasm, joy, and confusion. I'm choosing to take Bob Marley's advice: "Don't worry about a thing, 'cause every little thing is gonna be alright." And it is, no matter what happens. Maybe this is all a diversion, so that while I'm focusing on measuring the connection with one person, I can let my guard down to everyone else.
Transforming and healing my own beliefs about myself is hard work. So many lessons are popping up, so many subconscious dust bunnies are coming into the light. Observing my past relationships and taking responsibility for them - in terms of accepting that I define how I should be treated based on how I treat myself - is gruesome but healing. Perhaps we're here to explore all the different shades of Love from light to dark, to experience every flavour of joy and suffering. I want to funnel amazing Love into my life, don't you? We all deserve to be perfectly Loved (and we are). :)
My kitty Louie was killed by a coyote a few days ago, and it's sad but I know he would have wanted to go out with a bang. He's been rough and tumble from the start. I'll miss his purring and playing and most of all, his cattitude. Thanks for sharing your flavour with this world, Louie! <3