Making changes...
Years ago when I lived in Bourke I struggled with alot of things about my personality or attitudes and behaviours that I believed weren't an integral part of who I was.
I think I was growing up but not prepared to acknowledge it externally.
I did and said alot of things I deeply regret. My actions were improper and callous. I was discriminatory and judgemental. I just wasn't the person I really was.
As I tell Mel, if you hang around people who swear, you start swearing. That was likely most of my problem. I spent alot of my time with a particular person and other people similar who all found their own comfort in their behaviours - behaviours that I don't really agree with.
In the beginning I challenged them - but I was asked who side I was on.It is a difficult question to ask when you kind of have to be on their side. I am fairly submissive and usually retreat when confronted with someone who is wittier or more forward in their attitudes. Instead of being steadfast in my beliefs I became influenced.
Once I made the choice to find my happiness and move away (regardless if some happiness remained in Bourke), I was determined to change my attitudes and behaviours. This was very important to me as I had developed some not very nice traits and desperately wanted to climb out of the pit that I had sunken into. Bearing in mind that moving away meant a HUGE change, and sacrificing something that I valued against my feelings and desires, turned my life upside down. Amongst the rubble, I knew I had to start from the inside out.
Four years on - and a little neglectful of the promises I made to myself, I am re-visitting the inner me that I had wanted to bring out, and discovering the changes I have made without actually realising I changed them.
When I finally moved back to Newcastle I decided that I was going to be a different person. I was going to be honest about what I wanted. I was going to be strong and follow my desires and passions. I was going to do what I wanted. And if I was going to be with someone again, they will have to tick the majority of my boxes - I will not settle for any less nor waste my time on someone who I had issues with. I knew what I wanted, and I was going to get it. No more mucking around.
They say you find someone usually when you least expect it (obviously), when you're not looking, or when you're confident about yourself and who you are.
I think Mel came in right at the time I was ready to embark on me and only me. Granted perhaps we should have spent a little more time becoming friends before we got together.
Maybe that was the desperate me not wanting her to go away in case I can't get her back when I am ready. Bad move, but actually glad for it now.
Mel ticks most of my boxes. The ones she doesn't tick I actually don't mind, because they are hers, and I like who she is regardless. I know I have quite a few boxes that I don't tick on her list.(But I make up for it)
In fact, I try harder. I try harder than I did before. I make an effort, and I try to be aware of her feelings.
I saw all the things I failed in before and made myself determined not to neglect them this time around.
Mel introduced me to 'love languages' which opened my mind to all the different things we do for our partners. Mel has such a humble heart, and alot of patience with me. Mel has also shown me not to go off first impressions of people, because everyone has a story. She reminds me not to be so suddenly judgemental of people, when we don't understand their situation at first. She shows me how to look at two sides of a story before finding a conclusion, and reminds me to be open to other people's opinions even if they contradict my own - because sometimes we are wrong. I watch and learn how to be a better listener like Mel, when she will sit in silence and let someone have the time to open up and talk, and not interrupt. She reminds me about the importance of being kind and giving, and making others feel good - like posting random post-it notes of motivational phrases around shops and centres. She has reminded me that the simple things are often the most delightful. Like tonight at my mum's bbq, a lady came with a bunch of nasturtium flowers wrapped in foil and looking a little untidy - but I saw the gesture, and the thought, and really enjoyed it. Simple, small and delicate - and that lady would have gone into her garden to pick them especially for mum - probably thinking about mum and giving her a smile.
Of course Mel has many other awesome attitudes and behaviours that I am aware of and find encouraging for my own character building, but it is getting late and I still haven't got to where I was going with this...
Anyway, lately - over the past few months I have been trying to embark on a soul searching, healing, self improvement journey to discover my achievements and make an effort on my non-achievements.
Partly through this journey, things have been difficult with unrealistic expectations on each other, and struggling with aspects of each other's personality that drive us crazy. Yep, we've come at loggerheads many times, and while we excel at communication - we cannot always be so diligent, and find that we come back to similar issues later on (but never the same issue).
I started to blame myself because I often feel like I make myself misunderstood, or I am not truthfully acting, or I am manipulating the situation because I want it my way, or I just cannot get it right.
I started analysing myself, and thinking too hard.
Things became familiar, and I started feeling like I had been here before, and I didn't like it.
Some of my friends started telling me how ridiculous I was thinking. Things started to make sense. I was straying from what I wanted. I was estranged from my happiness goals. I needed to stand up and look them in the face again. It was hard, but I realised that I didn't want to feel like that again - that nauseous anxiety that hung in my chest and stomach for days on end.
I almost walked away.
But I didn't, because I know what I want, and deep down what I wanted was already there, or had the potential to be there... and it was quite possible to exist right there.
It’s about finding the right balance. And I think I have found it.
I just have to put it into practice.
To be continued tomorrow when I'm not as tired...
I think I was growing up but not prepared to acknowledge it externally.
I did and said alot of things I deeply regret. My actions were improper and callous. I was discriminatory and judgemental. I just wasn't the person I really was.
As I tell Mel, if you hang around people who swear, you start swearing. That was likely most of my problem. I spent alot of my time with a particular person and other people similar who all found their own comfort in their behaviours - behaviours that I don't really agree with.
In the beginning I challenged them - but I was asked who side I was on.It is a difficult question to ask when you kind of have to be on their side. I am fairly submissive and usually retreat when confronted with someone who is wittier or more forward in their attitudes. Instead of being steadfast in my beliefs I became influenced.
Once I made the choice to find my happiness and move away (regardless if some happiness remained in Bourke), I was determined to change my attitudes and behaviours. This was very important to me as I had developed some not very nice traits and desperately wanted to climb out of the pit that I had sunken into. Bearing in mind that moving away meant a HUGE change, and sacrificing something that I valued against my feelings and desires, turned my life upside down. Amongst the rubble, I knew I had to start from the inside out.
Four years on - and a little neglectful of the promises I made to myself, I am re-visitting the inner me that I had wanted to bring out, and discovering the changes I have made without actually realising I changed them.
When I finally moved back to Newcastle I decided that I was going to be a different person. I was going to be honest about what I wanted. I was going to be strong and follow my desires and passions. I was going to do what I wanted. And if I was going to be with someone again, they will have to tick the majority of my boxes - I will not settle for any less nor waste my time on someone who I had issues with. I knew what I wanted, and I was going to get it. No more mucking around.
They say you find someone usually when you least expect it (obviously), when you're not looking, or when you're confident about yourself and who you are.
I think Mel came in right at the time I was ready to embark on me and only me. Granted perhaps we should have spent a little more time becoming friends before we got together.
Maybe that was the desperate me not wanting her to go away in case I can't get her back when I am ready. Bad move, but actually glad for it now.
Mel ticks most of my boxes. The ones she doesn't tick I actually don't mind, because they are hers, and I like who she is regardless. I know I have quite a few boxes that I don't tick on her list.(But I make up for it)
In fact, I try harder. I try harder than I did before. I make an effort, and I try to be aware of her feelings.
I saw all the things I failed in before and made myself determined not to neglect them this time around.
Mel introduced me to 'love languages' which opened my mind to all the different things we do for our partners. Mel has such a humble heart, and alot of patience with me. Mel has also shown me not to go off first impressions of people, because everyone has a story. She reminds me not to be so suddenly judgemental of people, when we don't understand their situation at first. She shows me how to look at two sides of a story before finding a conclusion, and reminds me to be open to other people's opinions even if they contradict my own - because sometimes we are wrong. I watch and learn how to be a better listener like Mel, when she will sit in silence and let someone have the time to open up and talk, and not interrupt. She reminds me about the importance of being kind and giving, and making others feel good - like posting random post-it notes of motivational phrases around shops and centres. She has reminded me that the simple things are often the most delightful. Like tonight at my mum's bbq, a lady came with a bunch of nasturtium flowers wrapped in foil and looking a little untidy - but I saw the gesture, and the thought, and really enjoyed it. Simple, small and delicate - and that lady would have gone into her garden to pick them especially for mum - probably thinking about mum and giving her a smile.
Of course Mel has many other awesome attitudes and behaviours that I am aware of and find encouraging for my own character building, but it is getting late and I still haven't got to where I was going with this...
Anyway, lately - over the past few months I have been trying to embark on a soul searching, healing, self improvement journey to discover my achievements and make an effort on my non-achievements.
Partly through this journey, things have been difficult with unrealistic expectations on each other, and struggling with aspects of each other's personality that drive us crazy. Yep, we've come at loggerheads many times, and while we excel at communication - we cannot always be so diligent, and find that we come back to similar issues later on (but never the same issue).
I started to blame myself because I often feel like I make myself misunderstood, or I am not truthfully acting, or I am manipulating the situation because I want it my way, or I just cannot get it right.
I started analysing myself, and thinking too hard.
Things became familiar, and I started feeling like I had been here before, and I didn't like it.
Some of my friends started telling me how ridiculous I was thinking. Things started to make sense. I was straying from what I wanted. I was estranged from my happiness goals. I needed to stand up and look them in the face again. It was hard, but I realised that I didn't want to feel like that again - that nauseous anxiety that hung in my chest and stomach for days on end.
I almost walked away.
But I didn't, because I know what I want, and deep down what I wanted was already there, or had the potential to be there... and it was quite possible to exist right there.
It’s about finding the right balance. And I think I have found it.
I just have to put it into practice.
To be continued tomorrow when I'm not as tired...