Rumors
A small fic to the same tune as the rp that I play with Xan. Written at Emmie's place the night before going to meet Xan and Lyss for the first time when I was in California. Was trying to write for a different fic but ended up spewing this out because Kovy was raging in my head about all this gay shit and I had to let him vent. It's angsty and actually kind of similar to what ended up happening (at least in dialogue), though I had forgotten all about this until now.
It's the rumors that do it. He's not certain which of his students it was who said it or in what moment he heard it whispered in hush tones, but it made his blood run cold.
'Kovacs is a faggot.'
It's almost a relief to him, because anger is something he's familiar with, something he knows how to handle, unlike the crushing uncertainty, fear, and helplessness that Dan makes him feel.
But at the same time, those four little words dredge up and bear the demons of his past in new crippling ways, and it's all he can do to make it through the rest of the day without an outburst of rage or coming completely undone.
He shows up later at Dan's, pounding his fist against the door and waiting with sublime impatience to propose the thoughts that have blessed and plagued his mind all afternoon.
"Hey," Dan grins when he opens the door. "I wasn't expecting y--"
"Need to talk," Walter growls, pushing past Dan and stepping into the brownstone.
Dan shuts the door and follows him. "Oh, uhm... Okay. What's the matter?"
"They know, Daniel," he rasps, standing so close to Dan, bearing such heavy anger in his posture and his tone that it forces Dan to move away, leading him into the living room. "Students. They know. Spreading rumors."
"Oh," Dan flushes. "Jeez. I-- Well, I mean..." Dan bites his lip and then shrugs helplessly. "I dunno what you want me to tell you, Walter. Kids will be kids, and... Well I dunno how they found out but--"
"Kissed me in the parking lot yesterday," his voice lowers dangerously and his eyes flash with an emotion that Dan has never seen in his lover before.
"Oh, c'mon. It was well after class was over and--"
"Don't want you to touch me anymore, Daniel."
Dan's mouth falls open, fairly gaping at the other. "Ever?"
Walter looks down, uncertainty grasping him for the first time. "At least not in public."
"Walter--"
"No. Private relations must only be had in private. Not going to allow sexual deviancy to ruin my reputation."
"It's not deviancy!" Dan practically shouts, his own anger flaring as he stands to his feet. This argument again.
Walter doesn't back down. "It's indecent."
"No, it is not. Fuck, Walter, how can you say that? How can you say that what we have is deviant and indecent, when all it's been is nothing but good?"
"Hasn't been for me."
Dan's face blanches. "What, so you're ashamed? Have you been ashamed of us the whole time?"
Walter averts his eyes, not verbalizing an answer that Dan just as easily infers from his silence.
Dan plops down on the sofa again, doubling over and dropping his face in his hands. "God, why didn't-- Why did you-- Why?!" he looks up at Walter. "Why did you let this go so far and for so long if-- Goddamnit."
He turns his face away and swipes at his eyes, rubbing at them to keep the desperate angry tears from forming. "I thought that you wanted this. That you wanted to be with me. That you cared about me."
"I do," Walter snaps suddenly, shifting from one foot to the other. He can't have Dan thinking that he doesn't care. He does. Very much. More than he should, and Dan must know that. But the hateful look in Dan's reddened eyes stops him from saying more.
"The rumors aren't going to go away, Walter. And neither is the... The way I feel for you. But if you're too ashamed to be with me, then--"
"Said not in public, Daniel. Not--" Walter stares at him hard, "Just don't want to be seen with... like that--"
"You don't want to be seen with me in public," Dan interrupts and iterates. "You're not ashamed of us, you're just ashamed of me."
Dan gasps when Walter is suddenly on him, shoving him back on the sofa and leaning over him, coming close and holding Dan's face in both of his hands so that Dan can see his eyes as he shakes his head and tells him, "No. Never of you."
Dan reaches for him, tries to pull him down to the sofa with him but Walter fights him. "Daniel," he warns, shoving Dan's hands away from him.
"Alright, alright, not in public," Dan sniffs, "Just come here. Please."
Walter presses a knee between Dan's legs, preventing him from pulling him down into his lap. "I need to leave."
"No," Dan hushes. "Please stay with me tonight. Please? Of all the nights I've asked you to stay, you never once have, and I need this if you're going to push me away."
"Not going to sleep with you, Daniel," Walter growls as Dan's hands grip his hips and work their way under his shirt to scratch over his bare flesh.
"That's fine," Dan whimpers when Walter finally concedes and lets himself be pulled down into his arms. "You know I never expect that of you."
Later, Walter fights for control as he and Dan fall through the door and onto his bed. He bites at Dan's lips, more to simply devour him than actually kiss, and turning away from his mouth altogether when Dan's kiss and touch press a little too softly, a little too sweetly to him.
He finishes unzipping Dan's jeans and tugs them away. Dan blushes brightly, astonished. Walter is never this assertive, never this rough, and it makes Dan want him more than he ever has. But it feels wrong and Walter wont look him in the eye as he yanks out his own belt and shimmies out of his pants.
"Walter."
"Hush," Walter tells him as he crawls over him, quite deliberately settling his weight between Dan's legs, making them spread wider to accommodate him, wider still when Walter rolls his hips suggestively against Dan's own.
"Why are you doing this?" Dan gasps.
"Shut up, Daniel," Walter growls, pulling at Dan's boxers until they're in a tangled mess at the foot of the bed.
As he comes back up over him, Dan flips the two of them over in an attempt to regain some control and make the little bastard talk to him. But Walter's sharp reflexes are honed by his anger, and if it weren't for the violence inherent in it, it would be almost graceful the way he throws Dan off of him and then tackles him against the edge of the bed.
Dan finds his wrists pinned beneath one of Walter's clever hands, pressed firmly to the mattress above his head. "Do that again and I'm leaving. Wont be coming back."
Dan grits his teeth and lets Walter hold him down as he quickly divests of his own underwear, and then presses the full length of his body against Dan's. They've never been like this together. Never this exposed and never with such potential. Never so debauched and never so wrong.
"Walter, stop," Dan gasps, trying to wrestle his arms free only to be rewarded with a harsh bite on the neck.
"What you wanted, Daniel."
"No it isn't. God, I didn't want it like this. I-I wanted to--"
"What you make me think of every time you touch me or look at me. Every time you're near," his voice has softened almost imperceptibly, and he still wont meet Dan's gaze with his own. "It's what we project when others see us together, speculate that we're a couple of faggots who take and--" Walter swallows, despising himself for shaking like the weak little boy that he really is, "Take and fuck and spoil with lewd, unnatural acts of hedonistic indulgence."
Dan pants as Walter buries his face into his neck and doesn't bite, but gently suckles at the nape, carefully shifting against him and sighing at the hot, blissful friction. "It doesn't have to be like that," Dan whispers. "What we do doesn't have to be spoiled by all that."
Walter swallows loudly and and stills, pushing up and away from Dan, unable to look at him. "Already is."
Dan tries to get his hands free again, though Walter doesn't let up, still holding him down. "C'mon, man. Just... Just let it go for tonight, okay? No one's taking or-- or doing anything tonight. Just be with me. We don't have to do anything else. Just lay beside me."
"I can't, Daniel."
It's the rumors that do it. He's not certain which of his students it was who said it or in what moment he heard it whispered in hush tones, but it made his blood run cold.
'Kovacs is a faggot.'
It's almost a relief to him, because anger is something he's familiar with, something he knows how to handle, unlike the crushing uncertainty, fear, and helplessness that Dan makes him feel.
But at the same time, those four little words dredge up and bear the demons of his past in new crippling ways, and it's all he can do to make it through the rest of the day without an outburst of rage or coming completely undone.
He shows up later at Dan's, pounding his fist against the door and waiting with sublime impatience to propose the thoughts that have blessed and plagued his mind all afternoon.
"Hey," Dan grins when he opens the door. "I wasn't expecting y--"
"Need to talk," Walter growls, pushing past Dan and stepping into the brownstone.
Dan shuts the door and follows him. "Oh, uhm... Okay. What's the matter?"
"They know, Daniel," he rasps, standing so close to Dan, bearing such heavy anger in his posture and his tone that it forces Dan to move away, leading him into the living room. "Students. They know. Spreading rumors."
"Oh," Dan flushes. "Jeez. I-- Well, I mean..." Dan bites his lip and then shrugs helplessly. "I dunno what you want me to tell you, Walter. Kids will be kids, and... Well I dunno how they found out but--"
"Kissed me in the parking lot yesterday," his voice lowers dangerously and his eyes flash with an emotion that Dan has never seen in his lover before.
"Oh, c'mon. It was well after class was over and--"
"Don't want you to touch me anymore, Daniel."
Dan's mouth falls open, fairly gaping at the other. "Ever?"
Walter looks down, uncertainty grasping him for the first time. "At least not in public."
"Walter--"
"No. Private relations must only be had in private. Not going to allow sexual deviancy to ruin my reputation."
"It's not deviancy!" Dan practically shouts, his own anger flaring as he stands to his feet. This argument again.
Walter doesn't back down. "It's indecent."
"No, it is not. Fuck, Walter, how can you say that? How can you say that what we have is deviant and indecent, when all it's been is nothing but good?"
"Hasn't been for me."
Dan's face blanches. "What, so you're ashamed? Have you been ashamed of us the whole time?"
Walter averts his eyes, not verbalizing an answer that Dan just as easily infers from his silence.
Dan plops down on the sofa again, doubling over and dropping his face in his hands. "God, why didn't-- Why did you-- Why?!" he looks up at Walter. "Why did you let this go so far and for so long if-- Goddamnit."
He turns his face away and swipes at his eyes, rubbing at them to keep the desperate angry tears from forming. "I thought that you wanted this. That you wanted to be with me. That you cared about me."
"I do," Walter snaps suddenly, shifting from one foot to the other. He can't have Dan thinking that he doesn't care. He does. Very much. More than he should, and Dan must know that. But the hateful look in Dan's reddened eyes stops him from saying more.
"The rumors aren't going to go away, Walter. And neither is the... The way I feel for you. But if you're too ashamed to be with me, then--"
"Said not in public, Daniel. Not--" Walter stares at him hard, "Just don't want to be seen with... like that--"
"You don't want to be seen with me in public," Dan interrupts and iterates. "You're not ashamed of us, you're just ashamed of me."
Dan gasps when Walter is suddenly on him, shoving him back on the sofa and leaning over him, coming close and holding Dan's face in both of his hands so that Dan can see his eyes as he shakes his head and tells him, "No. Never of you."
Dan reaches for him, tries to pull him down to the sofa with him but Walter fights him. "Daniel," he warns, shoving Dan's hands away from him.
"Alright, alright, not in public," Dan sniffs, "Just come here. Please."
Walter presses a knee between Dan's legs, preventing him from pulling him down into his lap. "I need to leave."
"No," Dan hushes. "Please stay with me tonight. Please? Of all the nights I've asked you to stay, you never once have, and I need this if you're going to push me away."
"Not going to sleep with you, Daniel," Walter growls as Dan's hands grip his hips and work their way under his shirt to scratch over his bare flesh.
"That's fine," Dan whimpers when Walter finally concedes and lets himself be pulled down into his arms. "You know I never expect that of you."
Later, Walter fights for control as he and Dan fall through the door and onto his bed. He bites at Dan's lips, more to simply devour him than actually kiss, and turning away from his mouth altogether when Dan's kiss and touch press a little too softly, a little too sweetly to him.
He finishes unzipping Dan's jeans and tugs them away. Dan blushes brightly, astonished. Walter is never this assertive, never this rough, and it makes Dan want him more than he ever has. But it feels wrong and Walter wont look him in the eye as he yanks out his own belt and shimmies out of his pants.
"Walter."
"Hush," Walter tells him as he crawls over him, quite deliberately settling his weight between Dan's legs, making them spread wider to accommodate him, wider still when Walter rolls his hips suggestively against Dan's own.
"Why are you doing this?" Dan gasps.
"Shut up, Daniel," Walter growls, pulling at Dan's boxers until they're in a tangled mess at the foot of the bed.
As he comes back up over him, Dan flips the two of them over in an attempt to regain some control and make the little bastard talk to him. But Walter's sharp reflexes are honed by his anger, and if it weren't for the violence inherent in it, it would be almost graceful the way he throws Dan off of him and then tackles him against the edge of the bed.
Dan finds his wrists pinned beneath one of Walter's clever hands, pressed firmly to the mattress above his head. "Do that again and I'm leaving. Wont be coming back."
Dan grits his teeth and lets Walter hold him down as he quickly divests of his own underwear, and then presses the full length of his body against Dan's. They've never been like this together. Never this exposed and never with such potential. Never so debauched and never so wrong.
"Walter, stop," Dan gasps, trying to wrestle his arms free only to be rewarded with a harsh bite on the neck.
"What you wanted, Daniel."
"No it isn't. God, I didn't want it like this. I-I wanted to--"
"What you make me think of every time you touch me or look at me. Every time you're near," his voice has softened almost imperceptibly, and he still wont meet Dan's gaze with his own. "It's what we project when others see us together, speculate that we're a couple of faggots who take and--" Walter swallows, despising himself for shaking like the weak little boy that he really is, "Take and fuck and spoil with lewd, unnatural acts of hedonistic indulgence."
Dan pants as Walter buries his face into his neck and doesn't bite, but gently suckles at the nape, carefully shifting against him and sighing at the hot, blissful friction. "It doesn't have to be like that," Dan whispers. "What we do doesn't have to be spoiled by all that."
Walter swallows loudly and and stills, pushing up and away from Dan, unable to look at him. "Already is."
Dan tries to get his hands free again, though Walter doesn't let up, still holding him down. "C'mon, man. Just... Just let it go for tonight, okay? No one's taking or-- or doing anything tonight. Just be with me. We don't have to do anything else. Just lay beside me."
"I can't, Daniel."