death is heaven, life is hell
I don't really know how to start, so I guess I'm gonna dive right in. Even though that subject line might sound somewhat suicidal, it isn't meant like that. It's just a sort of craving for peace at last. But I'm not the one to decide when at last is nor do I want to make that decision. I still have one more reason to live, and because of that I still love that sorry sad excuse of my life.
and the reason for those dark thoughts... surprise surprise, just had a huge fight with my family. Though actually that statement alone is wrong. This can't be a family. But even if it was, my father wasn't in the argument, even though he heard all of it. So either he couldn't care less or... is there even another option? If you have one let me know. This really hurts me right now. I guess even a lot more than the whole fight. The fact that he just pretty much ignored it. Moments like this make me realize that I don't actually have a father. It's like a dagger through my heart with a huge banner of it. "Wake up dumbass, that guy married to your mother is a human ATM and nothing more."
I mean it clearly was a huge family thing and he just stayed out of it like he doesn't even exist!
But yeah, the stuff that happened... and what the fight was about... little things actually, it's always about little things... oh geez, I think this is gonna be a long story though. Sorry bout that. If you don't care and still are reading at this point, stop right here.
Actually I'm not at all in the mood to write about all the little details right now. A little argument was starting, over three nothings. And I saw it coming and didn't want a fight, so I tried to just explain what was going on and that it was okay and no big deal. Now if somebody would have listened to me the whole thing would have been over in five minutes. But like always, my mother didn't listen. (my grandma was in the fight too, but she just sorta got dragged into it because my mother was trying to blame her. Not as much as she tried to blame me, but ya know, as plan b for 'this can't be my fault'. Anyhow, it wasn't about my grandma, it wasn't her fault, so I'll leave her out of it, just so ya know she was somewhere in this too)
Like I was saying, little argument was starting, actually that was just between my grandma and I because of two things where she thought for me again. Ya know, like I don't have my own mouth or my own voice to talk about something, no, she did instead of me, not even asking me about my opinion even though it was about me. But nevermind. Just a normal argument. Then my mother came in and decided it was her buisness as well even though it wasn't. I realized this was getting a lot bigger, and it was not worthy of a fight, so I turned up the volume of the TV, hoping they'd just go again and forget it and everything would be okay again tomorrow. My grandma left, my mother didn't. I turned down the volume again and tried to explain her what had happened.
At first though, before the thing with my grandma something similar had happened with her. She shoved something I didn't care about in my face and I told her to leave me alone with it, but she kept on shoving it in my face. But I kept my cool, getting annoyed already though, and knowing damn well that if I had even tried that with her she woulda chewed my head off already for that. But nevermind, I knew it was late and bla bla bla and I tried to be mature and just ignore it and let it be nevermind, no big deal. So that was okay and she eventually left me alone with that crap and then five minutes later my grandma came in doing the same with another thing though, and then the second thing about getting into my life, the thing I wrote about above. So we were argueing about those two things and my mother came in... tv volume up... volume down.. mother still there...
So I tried to explain her why my grandma and I were fighting, but she didn't even listen and started to yell at me and started to get hysterical. At that point I still was rather calm and didn't want a fight. So I decided to just leave and go to sleep. Since I had my laptop on because I actually was on here, chatting and so on, I wanted to switch it off but she was sitting in the way, trying not to let me get to it. So I plugged the cables off, grabbed it and went into my room and switched it off there, saying stuff like "just forget it, nevermind" to my mother. She didn't care though and stormed after me, getting more and more hysterical. So again I attempted to explain her. (my father was in the next room, the doors were open, so if not before he had to hear everything at that point)
Yet again she didn't listen, got more hysterical... again... and yelled at me, screamed at me... and stuff like "How do I deserve this? What did I do wrong? What did I do to you? What did I do to you to deserve thos?" started. At that point I REALLY REALLY wasn't in the mood for that, figuring that maybe she's overreacting because of PMS or menopause or whatever. So I didn't yell back and just said nothing but couldn't take it anymore. She stormed out but kept on yelling at me and screaming at me and blaming me and the whole "what did I do?" started all over again. I wasn't calm anymore. I was crying and was really upset because she didn't even listen when I tried to explain, so I thought and just wanted to go home and started to pack my suitcase. But I think half subconcious, half planning it, I just did it to make them realize, hello, something's wrong here right now... a while ago when I was here during one of the last visits I started packing my stuff too to get outta a fight... I don't even remember what it was about or how it ended or why, but I remembered that much, so I packed, which infuriated my mother even more, and my grandma too.
They said stuff like "You're not gonna do this right now! Don't you dare do this!" And stuff like that. They basically tried to convince each other that in fact I wasn't packing my stuff and didn't have the intention to go home. They also said stuff like "listen to us, I'm begging you..." and I said "All I wanted was for you to listen but you didn't care, I was begging too and you didn't care..." I was getting really worked up too and kept on packing my stuff. Then my mother said something like "She isn't gonna do this, she doesn't have the heart to do this." At that I said "My heart is broken" and left the room to get the rest of my stuff.
My grandma was so furious that she tried to get to my stuff and tried to destroy it or break it somehow. I'm stronger than her though, so she didn't get to it. That's scary too, she knows how much I love my laptop and she really wanted to destroy it. The only reason why she didn't was because I was stronger and actually fought her, physically. That scares me too. I mean all I did was press my nails into her hands when she managed to touch my bagpack and stuff, and she was hitting around and hitting me, trying to get to it. And all of that because she loves me. Or so she said. Is it just me or is that just sick and doesn't make sense?
Eventually they realized they couldn't win this one and gave up and sat down and I gave up and sat down too, and it sorta started again. My mother was blaming me, and a little bit my grandmother, still convinced she herself didn't do anything wrong. (and I think she still can't see the fault in her own doing) So yet again I tried to explain, and again she cut me off with screaming.
still no reaction at all from my father...
I started blaming her and directly her because she didn't listen. I confronted her brutally and said that I had tried to explain already but that she didn't listen and just got hysterical and I asked her what I had tried to tell her and she didn't know anything. I guess my words didn't even make it to her ears. So finally I got to explain myself, and still she looked for the fault in my story somewhere. I mean yeah, fights always have more than one party, but I clearly didn't start this, and I'm not too proud to admit it when I do something wrong and when a fight is my fault or partly my fault, but this one wasn't at all. Basically all I did was just sit here when it started around me and I suddenly was the center of it.
and after she probably had admitted to herself that this really hadn't been my fault, and after I pointed out to her that it wasn't my grandma's fault either, cause she started to blame her again... then she started to dig out old and long forgotten stories. Like a few years ago, there was a huge fight (that was when I still lived here) and I was so scared, and drunk and just wanted to get outta here, so I ran outside in just my socks and a teeshirt even though it was cold. To make a long story short, there were people outside who saw what was going on and I begged them to help me but they didn't. Not even when my father was trying to drag me back inside, I had stumbled and was on the ground and he was actually dragging me and hit me, and they did nothing... but nevermind, that's long ago, but she started with that again, telling me how dumb I had been back then, not even mentioning the other crap that was her part of that story, but I'm not gonna get into that, this is too long already anyways. So she kept digging out old stories from nasty evil me... and comparing that to how good she is to me and how she bought apple juice for me... apart from the fact that the comparison stinks, I NEVER liked apple juice. I don't like apples, I never did, never ever during the past almost 23 years. And that is something I keep on having to point out to her. She doesn't know anything about me and she even tried to fight about that! "But last year you liked apple juice..." NO I DIDN'T! I never did, just like I never liked tuna, and a few years ago she especially for me bought tuna... and other stuff like that. So that came up again and I told her how much it disappoints me how much she doesn't know me. And then she was like "Okay so tell me what I don't like." I gotta admit that I had to think for a moment, probably since that was the last thing on my mind, but I know what she doesn't like and I listed it... and I'm the daughter and she's the mother. In my book that still makes a difference, I mean she's the one who supposedly raised me and took care of me and cooked for me during the past decades. But still she knows nothing like that?
I guess eventually we grew tired, and I think she was shocked herself because in the end I was the mature one who managed to explain everything and was talking in a responsible way and bla bla. So we ended the fight and now I'm here. And I wish I had never been born. Ask me again why I loathe adoptions and why even though I can understand that my birthmother didn't want me, and don't blame her for that, I condemn her for not just getting an abortion.
and the reason for those dark thoughts... surprise surprise, just had a huge fight with my family. Though actually that statement alone is wrong. This can't be a family. But even if it was, my father wasn't in the argument, even though he heard all of it. So either he couldn't care less or... is there even another option? If you have one let me know. This really hurts me right now. I guess even a lot more than the whole fight. The fact that he just pretty much ignored it. Moments like this make me realize that I don't actually have a father. It's like a dagger through my heart with a huge banner of it. "Wake up dumbass, that guy married to your mother is a human ATM and nothing more."
I mean it clearly was a huge family thing and he just stayed out of it like he doesn't even exist!
But yeah, the stuff that happened... and what the fight was about... little things actually, it's always about little things... oh geez, I think this is gonna be a long story though. Sorry bout that. If you don't care and still are reading at this point, stop right here.
Actually I'm not at all in the mood to write about all the little details right now. A little argument was starting, over three nothings. And I saw it coming and didn't want a fight, so I tried to just explain what was going on and that it was okay and no big deal. Now if somebody would have listened to me the whole thing would have been over in five minutes. But like always, my mother didn't listen. (my grandma was in the fight too, but she just sorta got dragged into it because my mother was trying to blame her. Not as much as she tried to blame me, but ya know, as plan b for 'this can't be my fault'. Anyhow, it wasn't about my grandma, it wasn't her fault, so I'll leave her out of it, just so ya know she was somewhere in this too)
Like I was saying, little argument was starting, actually that was just between my grandma and I because of two things where she thought for me again. Ya know, like I don't have my own mouth or my own voice to talk about something, no, she did instead of me, not even asking me about my opinion even though it was about me. But nevermind. Just a normal argument. Then my mother came in and decided it was her buisness as well even though it wasn't. I realized this was getting a lot bigger, and it was not worthy of a fight, so I turned up the volume of the TV, hoping they'd just go again and forget it and everything would be okay again tomorrow. My grandma left, my mother didn't. I turned down the volume again and tried to explain her what had happened.
At first though, before the thing with my grandma something similar had happened with her. She shoved something I didn't care about in my face and I told her to leave me alone with it, but she kept on shoving it in my face. But I kept my cool, getting annoyed already though, and knowing damn well that if I had even tried that with her she woulda chewed my head off already for that. But nevermind, I knew it was late and bla bla bla and I tried to be mature and just ignore it and let it be nevermind, no big deal. So that was okay and she eventually left me alone with that crap and then five minutes later my grandma came in doing the same with another thing though, and then the second thing about getting into my life, the thing I wrote about above. So we were argueing about those two things and my mother came in... tv volume up... volume down.. mother still there...
So I tried to explain her why my grandma and I were fighting, but she didn't even listen and started to yell at me and started to get hysterical. At that point I still was rather calm and didn't want a fight. So I decided to just leave and go to sleep. Since I had my laptop on because I actually was on here, chatting and so on, I wanted to switch it off but she was sitting in the way, trying not to let me get to it. So I plugged the cables off, grabbed it and went into my room and switched it off there, saying stuff like "just forget it, nevermind" to my mother. She didn't care though and stormed after me, getting more and more hysterical. So again I attempted to explain her. (my father was in the next room, the doors were open, so if not before he had to hear everything at that point)
Yet again she didn't listen, got more hysterical... again... and yelled at me, screamed at me... and stuff like "How do I deserve this? What did I do wrong? What did I do to you? What did I do to you to deserve thos?" started. At that point I REALLY REALLY wasn't in the mood for that, figuring that maybe she's overreacting because of PMS or menopause or whatever. So I didn't yell back and just said nothing but couldn't take it anymore. She stormed out but kept on yelling at me and screaming at me and blaming me and the whole "what did I do?" started all over again. I wasn't calm anymore. I was crying and was really upset because she didn't even listen when I tried to explain, so I thought and just wanted to go home and started to pack my suitcase. But I think half subconcious, half planning it, I just did it to make them realize, hello, something's wrong here right now... a while ago when I was here during one of the last visits I started packing my stuff too to get outta a fight... I don't even remember what it was about or how it ended or why, but I remembered that much, so I packed, which infuriated my mother even more, and my grandma too.
They said stuff like "You're not gonna do this right now! Don't you dare do this!" And stuff like that. They basically tried to convince each other that in fact I wasn't packing my stuff and didn't have the intention to go home. They also said stuff like "listen to us, I'm begging you..." and I said "All I wanted was for you to listen but you didn't care, I was begging too and you didn't care..." I was getting really worked up too and kept on packing my stuff. Then my mother said something like "She isn't gonna do this, she doesn't have the heart to do this." At that I said "My heart is broken" and left the room to get the rest of my stuff.
My grandma was so furious that she tried to get to my stuff and tried to destroy it or break it somehow. I'm stronger than her though, so she didn't get to it. That's scary too, she knows how much I love my laptop and she really wanted to destroy it. The only reason why she didn't was because I was stronger and actually fought her, physically. That scares me too. I mean all I did was press my nails into her hands when she managed to touch my bagpack and stuff, and she was hitting around and hitting me, trying to get to it. And all of that because she loves me. Or so she said. Is it just me or is that just sick and doesn't make sense?
Eventually they realized they couldn't win this one and gave up and sat down and I gave up and sat down too, and it sorta started again. My mother was blaming me, and a little bit my grandmother, still convinced she herself didn't do anything wrong. (and I think she still can't see the fault in her own doing) So yet again I tried to explain, and again she cut me off with screaming.
still no reaction at all from my father...
I started blaming her and directly her because she didn't listen. I confronted her brutally and said that I had tried to explain already but that she didn't listen and just got hysterical and I asked her what I had tried to tell her and she didn't know anything. I guess my words didn't even make it to her ears. So finally I got to explain myself, and still she looked for the fault in my story somewhere. I mean yeah, fights always have more than one party, but I clearly didn't start this, and I'm not too proud to admit it when I do something wrong and when a fight is my fault or partly my fault, but this one wasn't at all. Basically all I did was just sit here when it started around me and I suddenly was the center of it.
and after she probably had admitted to herself that this really hadn't been my fault, and after I pointed out to her that it wasn't my grandma's fault either, cause she started to blame her again... then she started to dig out old and long forgotten stories. Like a few years ago, there was a huge fight (that was when I still lived here) and I was so scared, and drunk and just wanted to get outta here, so I ran outside in just my socks and a teeshirt even though it was cold. To make a long story short, there were people outside who saw what was going on and I begged them to help me but they didn't. Not even when my father was trying to drag me back inside, I had stumbled and was on the ground and he was actually dragging me and hit me, and they did nothing... but nevermind, that's long ago, but she started with that again, telling me how dumb I had been back then, not even mentioning the other crap that was her part of that story, but I'm not gonna get into that, this is too long already anyways. So she kept digging out old stories from nasty evil me... and comparing that to how good she is to me and how she bought apple juice for me... apart from the fact that the comparison stinks, I NEVER liked apple juice. I don't like apples, I never did, never ever during the past almost 23 years. And that is something I keep on having to point out to her. She doesn't know anything about me and she even tried to fight about that! "But last year you liked apple juice..." NO I DIDN'T! I never did, just like I never liked tuna, and a few years ago she especially for me bought tuna... and other stuff like that. So that came up again and I told her how much it disappoints me how much she doesn't know me. And then she was like "Okay so tell me what I don't like." I gotta admit that I had to think for a moment, probably since that was the last thing on my mind, but I know what she doesn't like and I listed it... and I'm the daughter and she's the mother. In my book that still makes a difference, I mean she's the one who supposedly raised me and took care of me and cooked for me during the past decades. But still she knows nothing like that?
I guess eventually we grew tired, and I think she was shocked herself because in the end I was the mature one who managed to explain everything and was talking in a responsible way and bla bla. So we ended the fight and now I'm here. And I wish I had never been born. Ask me again why I loathe adoptions and why even though I can understand that my birthmother didn't want me, and don't blame her for that, I condemn her for not just getting an abortion.