her tear cut a fresh path through the grime
GET ME OUUUUUTTTA HEEEEEERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
im sick of the cape. i miss my friends.
i sat in the kayak for a long time today. i got a little sunburn, and im a wimp about getting a burn, b/c it doesnt happen too often. we decided what im going to do with my horse. i told my mom how im worried im going to have no life at all and how i will just sit at home all the time. she told me she wouldnt let me do that, that shed pretty much force me to go out. that helped me relax a little bit. my shoulder hurts, but it's not b/c it's hurt, it's b/c it needs to be adjusted. so it's okay im not freakin out or anything, but its just frustrating b/ci have almost another week before i an get it fixed. mostly just painful.
last night i...how do i put this. i thought about a lot of stuff i do andi realized how it doesnt make sense. im mean to people for no reason other than to be mean and to test them. and im not just talking about 1 person in particular, i mean everyone, but this train of thought was set off by 1 particular person. anyway. sometimes ijust test ppl to see if i can piss them off to see if i hvae an effect on them or if i can get them to react to me the way i react to them. and it's realy stupid and immature. and mostly, it just makes me a bitch. i don't like thinking of myself like that, i don't like being mean, it just happens sometimes, and i hate it. i feel like it's out of my control, even tho it obviously isnt. bleck. i feel like i turn my best side to some people all the time, and my worst to other people all the time, whcih isnt fair to the ppl im not nice to. i wish i was nicer. i wish that i could show that i care better. i'm sorry that i dont, b/c actually, i do care. ijust cant...get it to come out right.
i haven't cried in a really long time, i dont konw if it's good or bad. im a chick, so i think im supposed to cry, especially when i get upset, which leads me to think "have i not been upset lately?". but...shouldnt i know if im upset or not? *shakes head at self* i think a shrink woudl say i am worried that im "burrying my emotions"... whatever the fuck that means. stupid shrinks.
i wish i was nicer, smarter. i wish i could express myself better. i wish i was prettier. i wish that i didnt worry about being annoying so much. i think im going to go to bed before this gets any more emo...
Love.