i wish i knew
It's 1:41 am on wednesday night and we had a snow day today which was pretty good cause i didnt feel like going to school, im not quite sure why it is that i have a problem with school, i wish i knew. It bothers me that I cant figure it out. It's like I'm one of those kids that doesnt go to school and wants to be rough and tough and says that he is too good for school but I know that that isnt me cause i know that in school is where I will learn everything i need to get along in life. I just cant figure it out. It has brought me to tears trying to figure out just waht it is that I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I thought i had the school thing figured out when i realized that a lot classes come really easily. Ive never had a problem with any class as far as intellect goes. They all come easy and I love it. I cant figure out though why it is that i am so lazy. I fuckin hate the fact that im lazy and i get in so much troucle for it. I guess that is probably what gets me so emotional and it just builds up inside. I've never been able to tlk to anyone about it seriously enough that it has any effect and im willing to try just about anything. Ive considered so many different routes and right now I think i know which way im going to go for the next year or so. I want to take some time off from school so i can figure out what i want to do. I wish i could just sit and play but thats such a hard thing to be able to do. I love music so much but at the same time I am so interested in science that i dont know what to do. This is all under the circumstance that i graduate from high school this year. I hate to say it but right now im not sure if im going to be able to do it. I know that i shouldnt be negative but it seems like being negative is the only thing that i havent tried yet. I try so hard to be the positive person all the time and still things go wrong. It has to be my fault though because nobody else is in charge of what happens in the mornings. I hope im not just overreacting to all of this. I just get really emotional when i think about stuff like this late at night. I figured tonight since im staying up again late like i usually do i might as well write everything that i am feeling in this livejournal and i think im going to put it in my profile and hope that someone IM's me and gives me some advice that will finally change something and i can go back to the full potential that i know i am capable of. I just hate the fact that i do so well all the time whenever i try but the obn;y fucking thing keeping me back right now is that im so fucking lazy. I guess it really is just my fauly though. I want to be like everybody else that can just go to bed at night at a normal time and think that it is no big deal because it isnt. I just cant do that. Im not sure why though. It might be because I always want to be the best so i figure that i can stay up later and get less sleep and perform just as well and when i try to do that it backfires. But at the same time that doesnt make any sense because i would never waste that much time trying to be better when i know that its pointless. Another thing is that i hate doing things that are pointless. It makes no sense at all that i think that because i know that i never go through that long drawn out thought process in my head every night. Its like every night i just kinda stay up a little later and just a little later after that and before i know it it is past midnight and im thinking, well should i just stay up all night again or not? And then when i do stay up all night the morning rolls around and i hafta sleep for likea half an hour so my mom will think i was asleep all night. Then i dont feel like getting out of bed and i know its because im fucking lazy. Also there are times when ill put myself to sleep earlier than normal because i know that i have finished all my work and the next morning i cant get up either so i still dont understand what the hell is the matter with me. I've tried NO-DOZ and it really doesnt do much other than give me energy. I DONT WANT ENERGY. I want the mental state to fix my problem without drugs. There's always that fear in the back of my head that i would get addicted too and i know its dumb but i dont want that. Ive only taken 2 pills ever anyway. I just get so emotional sometimes and i wish i could just get up every day and go to school. I think that i would give up some of my knowledge just to know that i could be consistent with whatever my potential was. If i had to be retarded but know that i was doing my best every day, i think i would be a lot happier. I know i would be. I wish that i could at least figure out what i should be doing. I think im gonna go to bed though cause it really has only been 10 minutes and im just typing away without going over anything i wrote. Im gonna leave it the way it is and put it in my profile so anyone can read it. I just hope i get this fixed soon. Its been 5 years now and i just want it to go away.