Not exactly whining, but an update nonetheless. And an apology for all the quotation marks.
Oh Livejournal. It's been so long since you were a regular part of my life. Sometimes I miss the outlet, though I recognize I have chosen to stay away. I don't know why: I had an online journal of some kind steadily from 1999 through 2007. Well... okay. I guess I do know why. I was spooked by Pat finding my journal. I didn't even read past the first three sentences of the comment he left as it was clear he was just as delusional and self righteous as usual. He thought I was the delusional one and I think (know) he was. Now he keeps a journal of his own, or he was, where it seemed he was posting stuff that was purposely trying to bait me into a fight - button-pushing statements in all the hot topics of our relationship. At any rate I haven't looked at his since last year sometime and have no plans to ever again. Not interested in his opinions and such. I've moved way, WAY on - and have never been happier.
The happy thing too has of course contributed to my lack of posting. I have little to rant about anymore that I don't get out of my system with Brian. This was the third Halloween since that first one in New Orleans where I fell in love with him and nothing has changed. All that denial and agony about whether my feelings were right since he had a girlfriend at first, and it turns out they absolutely were right. Kristina has moved on and now has a child with one of her many other guys (and incidentally has stolen the name we were going to use for one of our kids: Tristan) and has even thanked him for breaking up with her. Not that I don't still feel a deep guilt about how that all went down, but at the same time that guilt is clearly ludicrous as this is obviously what was supposed to happen for all of us. I have never felt the way I feel with Brian before, and that's even after the shmoopy/disgustingly lovey phase of the doomed Patrick relationship. But no matter how immature and ridiculous he turned out to be I can't say too much bad about it. It was that "love" that brought me here to Florida, where I met Brian. And Brian is IT. Almost two years living and spending every possible second together now and every day that fact is still as clear as it was on that agonizing first day that I realized my feelings. It's true people: when you know you know. If a relationship is really difficult then you just haven't found the right person. When you do all the bullshit falls away and all that's left is just the knowledge that no matter what you want to be together and it's just... easy. And perfect. With Pat a part of me always waited for him to go back out to work so I could go back to doing the stuff I did when he was gone; stuff he either had no interest in or would judge me for. Not with Brian. With Brian I am equally as comfortable doing what I want whether alone or right next to him.
So it has been mostly good, not to say I don' t really miss the creative outlet. Hence the slight pick up in the last couple months. Let us add to this the fact that I still love my work. No longer at the zoo but the Sanctuary has turned out to be better. Much more well organized and hence much more job security (in fact the zoo has closed its doors completely and permanently), and there is a different element of freedom and unpredictability. I have issues with a couple of the individuals I work with sometimes, but nothing yet that I haven't been able to get past, and at least one of my coworkers has become my very best friend even though the girl is 8 years younger than me.
Funnily, I feel much less isolated here in the South than I did living right in the city back in Washington. This despite the fact that there is fuckall within walking distance - I have to take my car to do ANYTHING, and there isn't even a fraction of the cool shit to do here that was in Seattle. Seattle was full of people who were all right outside my apartment and anything I needed or wanted, and lots of stuff I didn't, was walking distance from my front door. But city people are all very much caught up in career ambitions and complex ideas and don't always stop and interact with the other people around them, or at least not in a lasting and meaningful manner. I don't mean to generalize, but I was very lonely there even when literally surrounded by thousands of people. Here I get out more. It helps that we have such beautiful beaches and wildlife so close, and I feel a timeclock ticking as to how long we will stay so there's the sense of 'see it while you can'. And here the few friends I do have feel an extra solidarity due to the fact that most of the other people here aren't like us. The stereotypes of the south are alive and well when it comes to racism, gay rights and a blind hatred of any who could be deemed even slightly "liberal". Those of us with a more blue-state mentality are a clear minority who desperately cling to each other for sanity.
On this night however, I do all the very same things I did when isolated in my little Seattle apartments marvelling at how I could feel so friendless even though there were so many people everywhere. I drink my little bottle of red wine and get tipsy by myself. I sing at the top of my lungs to the music I'm playing and pretend like I'm still trying to be some kind of rock star. I don't leave my house at all even though there's tons of cool free stuff I could be doing outside. Except now I have Brian and he will be home from the holiday visit to his parents tomorrow night. And in the next 4 hours I'll be meeting all my current best friends for a cheap happy hour at a stupid chain-restaurant bar. For the most part, life is very good. But sometimes I do miss whining to livejournal. :)
The happy thing too has of course contributed to my lack of posting. I have little to rant about anymore that I don't get out of my system with Brian. This was the third Halloween since that first one in New Orleans where I fell in love with him and nothing has changed. All that denial and agony about whether my feelings were right since he had a girlfriend at first, and it turns out they absolutely were right. Kristina has moved on and now has a child with one of her many other guys (and incidentally has stolen the name we were going to use for one of our kids: Tristan) and has even thanked him for breaking up with her. Not that I don't still feel a deep guilt about how that all went down, but at the same time that guilt is clearly ludicrous as this is obviously what was supposed to happen for all of us. I have never felt the way I feel with Brian before, and that's even after the shmoopy/disgustingly lovey phase of the doomed Patrick relationship. But no matter how immature and ridiculous he turned out to be I can't say too much bad about it. It was that "love" that brought me here to Florida, where I met Brian. And Brian is IT. Almost two years living and spending every possible second together now and every day that fact is still as clear as it was on that agonizing first day that I realized my feelings. It's true people: when you know you know. If a relationship is really difficult then you just haven't found the right person. When you do all the bullshit falls away and all that's left is just the knowledge that no matter what you want to be together and it's just... easy. And perfect. With Pat a part of me always waited for him to go back out to work so I could go back to doing the stuff I did when he was gone; stuff he either had no interest in or would judge me for. Not with Brian. With Brian I am equally as comfortable doing what I want whether alone or right next to him.
So it has been mostly good, not to say I don' t really miss the creative outlet. Hence the slight pick up in the last couple months. Let us add to this the fact that I still love my work. No longer at the zoo but the Sanctuary has turned out to be better. Much more well organized and hence much more job security (in fact the zoo has closed its doors completely and permanently), and there is a different element of freedom and unpredictability. I have issues with a couple of the individuals I work with sometimes, but nothing yet that I haven't been able to get past, and at least one of my coworkers has become my very best friend even though the girl is 8 years younger than me.
Funnily, I feel much less isolated here in the South than I did living right in the city back in Washington. This despite the fact that there is fuckall within walking distance - I have to take my car to do ANYTHING, and there isn't even a fraction of the cool shit to do here that was in Seattle. Seattle was full of people who were all right outside my apartment and anything I needed or wanted, and lots of stuff I didn't, was walking distance from my front door. But city people are all very much caught up in career ambitions and complex ideas and don't always stop and interact with the other people around them, or at least not in a lasting and meaningful manner. I don't mean to generalize, but I was very lonely there even when literally surrounded by thousands of people. Here I get out more. It helps that we have such beautiful beaches and wildlife so close, and I feel a timeclock ticking as to how long we will stay so there's the sense of 'see it while you can'. And here the few friends I do have feel an extra solidarity due to the fact that most of the other people here aren't like us. The stereotypes of the south are alive and well when it comes to racism, gay rights and a blind hatred of any who could be deemed even slightly "liberal". Those of us with a more blue-state mentality are a clear minority who desperately cling to each other for sanity.
On this night however, I do all the very same things I did when isolated in my little Seattle apartments marvelling at how I could feel so friendless even though there were so many people everywhere. I drink my little bottle of red wine and get tipsy by myself. I sing at the top of my lungs to the music I'm playing and pretend like I'm still trying to be some kind of rock star. I don't leave my house at all even though there's tons of cool free stuff I could be doing outside. Except now I have Brian and he will be home from the holiday visit to his parents tomorrow night. And in the next 4 hours I'll be meeting all my current best friends for a cheap happy hour at a stupid chain-restaurant bar. For the most part, life is very good. But sometimes I do miss whining to livejournal. :)