(no subject)
okay, so admittedly maybe things didn't get as bright as i expected them to, but what could i have hoped for? my life basically fell apart starting a month or so back and hasn't really gotten much better, so i couldn't really expect things to snap back that quick. i'm not really happy at all im just trying to focus on small things that make me smile. like good grades and people complimenting my hair, not that those happen too often.
i have a lot of things i need to straighten out. i.e. my chool papers, my room, every room i enter, my car, and my mind. that needs a lot of work. im so completely mondfucked it isn't funny. everythings in dissarray. basically because one day i woke up and i was kicked in the brain by news my dumb ass didn't expect and i haven't thought right sense. and that's basically how it goes. startling news that changes your perception of things. Some things are better spoonfed instead of trying to swallow it at once. I am currently digesting a complete roticery chicken. and I don't like roticery chicken.
I've been put back to where i never really wanted to be again, but what can i do. That's what sucks about teamwork. when your teammember quits, you can't be like "we're not quitting because i say so. no. you have to let them quit. sucks balls.
I've resorting to not really giving a shit anymore. i've been making shitloads of mistakes. basically i made one big one that fucked up everything, and since i know i can't havfe that back i haven't really cared if i fuck anything else up or not?
I hate waiting for shit to happen. you know? like... you don't want to wait for things to get better you want to wake up and things be fine. it's pretty much like that. I want to wake up and things be how they're supposed to be. I hate transition. Like...change doesn't bother me so much as transition. trasition is ultimately confusion. there's two alternatives and transition is the confusion between. and im not much for consideration. I like to know how things should be so i can deal with it. Like say my alternatives are cereal or a ham sandwich. i don't give a fuck. i don't want to decide or contemplate or discuss it. i want you to tell me if im getting a ham sandwich or a bowl of cereal so i can fucking start eating it. i don't care which is better or suits the moment, im ready to play the hand im dealt.
so basically i don't care to discuss if this is right or not. one day im probably going to regret everything i've ever done simply because i can find something bad in everything i've ever done. so that's not my concern. im just ready to deal witht hings. am i single? fucking great, i'm ready to be single and go on with a single life... are we trying to work something out? good! im ready to start working on shit... im not one for making decisions im one for making the decisions made work. that's what i do. you give me orders i make them work, im not a god damn manager im a fucking employee and i like it that way. that's why i'd to be a cosmetologist or a tattoo artist or something of the sort. someone tells me what they want, i make it happen. i can make it better or do exactly what they say, but i work with what they tell me to do, and that's how i like it. stop trying to make me make god damn decisions, because i don't fucking care. i don't. i don't make decisions, i follow them. hey that's me. *waves*
i don't want to hear any of that "be yourself" bullshit either. i am me.
*sigh* my computer sucks.
dear diary. i'm retarded.
i treat people like shit. i don't mean to, i just do. i suck at making plans with people because i don't so much like telling people no, so i never tell people yes. it's basically "you wanna hang out?" "not sure, but we'll see, what's your number, i'll call you?" and that's how i hold my spaces. i wonder where the fuck i got that from. -_-
but yeah, so i never tell anyone yes, and my self esteem drops a whole bunch because no one answers phones when i call them and it makes me reallys elfconcious because i swear to god i think people see my number and ignore their phone. like im really fucking paranoid. probably because no one ever answers their phones when i call. except richard. and crystal answers two times out of nine. i get answering machines a lot. i don't leave messages simply because everyone gets that "missed calls" screen. dur.
and i love how everyone tells me they'll call me later to catch up. and they don't. sucks. because i know how that is, and i hate that i do that to people. i'm an ass.
but so is everyone else, so i don't feel too bad about it.
i want to move away. like.... really. i want to move to a big city already. i want my crappy appartment that i'm going to decorate really nice. and walking to work. and reading newspapers. and actually getting to wake up with someone. i think that's the part i look forward to frowing up for. i want to wake up one day with someone else. you know, to know i had the comfort of having someone in the bed with me. it's a comfortingt hought. i don't too much care to be married. because that influences the want for kids and family and that's not for me. though i did learn i'd be an anal dad.
so emily's kid was running around everywhere *note, ada is the cutest damn kid ever* she's so adorable. and i was so scared she'd get hurt the whole night. like everyone else was all chill but i was all like "where's ada, what is she getting into" so we played alot. lots of airplane rides and spins and chases and pokes and "go punch kristin in the faces" and i was just so overprotective of SOMEONE ELSE'S KID the entire night it was strance. i can't imagine how i'd be with my kid. but if I do have a kid, it'll be a girl, and she'll be as cute as Ada. if it's a boy, I wont know what do do. "sorry, daddy can't run catch throw or do anything that would potentially help you make friends throughout school." so I dunno. i'm scared of growing up. but i want to so bad. i'm torn in between responsibility and responsibility i want to take care of myself but i don't want to be responsible for my actions i don't think. i want to have my own place. i want my own life, i don't want to be a kid anymore, but i don't want to fuck up i don't want to do taxes i don't want to buy insurance i don't want to end up with a kid. -_- i don't want to be a man. i just want to be on my own... :S
which is stupid. i can't have that i know, you don't have to tell me it's just basically me typing shit that doesn't mean anything to you guys because i have nothing better to do. and since im sure no one has read all of this, i can add some shit no one wants to hear in the middle here.
you fucked me up so bad. i thought i had everything i thought we were going to reconstruct and make things better and it didn't happen that way you decided to give up. you dropped us and wanted me to pick us up, and when i didn't you got mad at me because i didn't pick up what you dropped. that wasn't fair. so i wanted to make things work and you told me i could try to make things work we both made mistakes and we were both wrong so i assumed you could fess up and forget shit. if we were both wrong there's not sense in holding a god damn grudge but you did, and you let me keep trying to make us work but then you told me we wouldn't work that we wouldn't have back what i wanted you let me believe ins omething that wouldn't happen now if you tell me i shouldn't have left that you miss me i swear i'll rip your god damn head off i am sick of you leading me on because you don't want me to stop talking to you. being around you breaks my heart and i don't want to talk to you right now if this is what's going on. why don't you try to understand what you're doing with me and live up to the decisions you're making and leaving me with no option but to make? don't get mad at me for leaving when you told me to leave. don't get mad that i didn't argue or compromise because i don't i deal witht he decisions you hadn me. if i feel the need i put in my two cents. if i don't i go with a decision i'm comfortable with. that was that. and i'm well on my way to recovery. im getting over you. not so much forgetting you as replacing you with a whole lot of anger. anger for the decision you made. i don't think you're a bad person and i wont let anyone think you're a bad person because youa ren't you're just a complicated person. you speak your own language and refuse to translate for anyone and that bothered me because i didn't understand it. i think you were awesome we had EXCELLENT times together. you were my best friend despite that i was never really yours. i relied on you and trusted you more than anyone i've ever known and that you don't think i ever told you anything was bullshit because i told you everything i could possibly tell a person. anything i didn't tell you i didn't tell anyone else. so that's crazy. i trusted you more than anything sorry if that wasn't enough for you. im sorry that you didn't feel like dealing with our fighting, sorry that you didn't want to be the first to change. sorry you were too stubborn to get over my being stubborn. but i was never too good to be the first to change. i was trying to. i just wasn't having any luck with it. sorry i wasn't changing fast enough for you. i just.... i feel like all of this was because i wasn't good enough for you and it hurts. because i tried so god damn hard for so god damn long and you gave up on me. you quit. you said we were over that i fucked up what we had. i basically feel like you think it's my fault. i wasn't good enough. you didn't want it anymore, you gave up. i never gave up. i was dicouraged, but i never gave up. my trying to move on wasn't giving up, it was me trying to make with the decisions you made. only now i am trying to move on. i want to find someone else, or no one at all, i want to get over you because you don't want me back. but i am replacing you with anger, and a lot of hurt because that's what i have from this. yeah, i have a lot of great memories of us. we had amazing times. ^_^ but... they weren't good enough for you, so i just can't think that highly of them. and right now i don't think we could get back together if we wanted to. i don't feel like im in the shape for you to trust me. i learned i want a lot of things i can't have if we're together that i probably can't have anyways, but they still keep us apart. i want to be with one person forever, but it wont be that way. i still want to be with different people. and while im willing to commit to one i feel like i'd be cheating you to say i wasn't interested in other people because i am. i can settle. i can refuse to act on the feelings, but i can't say the feelings aren't there and with that i wouldn't be comfortable anyways. im basically trying to get over this however i can, and im well on my way, im recovering. im not dwelling on it, but it's hard not to think about you know? i can't not think about it. so im just telling you what i've been thinking. i do miss you, but i don't want to hang out with you. because im not ready to be just friends yet. im pretty set on accepting that we're not together, im just not ready to see you interested in other guys or moving on. the way i see it you kicked me out. you wanted me to leave, so im leaving. i didn't want you to leave so i don't want to see you adjust. it's really painful. if it's going to be so painful for you to watch me you shouldn't have let me go, and that's my thoughts on it. im still an angry person despite how i don't want to be.
and on that i've progressivly grown into an angry person. i've only had one person who would actually listen to me. everyone else had other things to deal with or made it seem like a problem to listen me or just seemed alltogether bothered when i talked to them. and when you have a lot of problems, you can't dump everything on one person and then turn around and try to be there for them, two people can't hsare eachothers problem, that's too much weight on the both of them. and so i took it upon myself to be there for them and handle my own then only one of us was holding the load... and over time it got really heavy...and i started to break, and had no one to take it off on.. and... i broke. i just started getting really angry and hating myself for not being strong enough or good enough or funny enough or smart enough or fast enough or tough enough or just enough for anything. i fell short of everything. i was never what i needed to be or when i needed to be. no one ever says damn... that colbey kid... i like hanging out with him. or i wonder what colbeys up to, i'll call him and see what's up. i mean it's cool that not many people minded that i was around, and at times enjoyed me, but in general i was never really someone to invite up. i always felt like a tag along and not vip you know?. i always wanted to be important or mean something to someone and theres only really been three people to really make me feel like that. but... they don't so much anymore. it all fell apart. i destroy everything that really matters ot me, but i don't try to. i just. :S i convince myself it's trying to destroy me. i... never felt like i deserved anything good so when i did get something good i picked at it until i found the trick to it. there had to be some kind of hidden trap trying to hurt me, you know... that paranoia acting up again.
i love so many people. there are so many people i wish i could be close friends with but im not comfortable. i don't feel wanted all of the space that isn't filled with talking bothers me. i feel like if i were a good friend i would be filling it in with something fun to talk about, and since i don't feel worthy of the position i'm in i make it MY responibility to fill the void. not theirs. my way of paying for the chance to be where i am. it's just... i'll never be a hero. i'll never be famous, no one will ever know my name, and i'll never be important to anyone but i want to be someone who makes a difference. i want people to know who i am, and i want people to like me. -_- i want people to think im funny, or cool to be around. i want people to like me like they like richard. everyone says richards an ass, because he is, they don't say it as in they think he's an asshole and don't like him, people love richard. and he is an ass, but everyone knows he's playing, he's not REALLY an ass. people think he's funny. people love richard they trust richard. people know richard. no one knows me. if they do it's because im short. not because im funny or they had a good time with me at one point. no. it's not like that. i want to be someone. i want people to call me to hang out. i want people to want to spend time with me. not sit on my ass until 8 o'clock on a saturday night trying to get ahold of people to hang out with and no one answeing or returning my phone calls or messages. it makes me feel like shit. i hate being me so much. i live inside this hermit shell, but i don't want to be in it. i wish i had someone who would stand outside of it and assure me that it was okay to come out, that it was nice outside, i should see the sun. they'd pull me out and show me that the world is nice outside of my shell and no one will hurt me, but i don't have anyone. every time i step out someone pushes me down so i crawl back in and i hate it. everything about being alive hurts and i don't have anyone to help soften the blows. and i have so many people who are going to say they'll be there for me. these are the people i try to talk to all of the time but never seem to want to talk to me. and that's why i as people don't mind me being around, they just don't so much want me. back to analogies. like if someone got me a hot dog. i would eat it. i don't too much like hot dogs, but if someone gets me one, i'll eat it. because i don't mind. but im not going to request a hot dog. i don't want to be a hotdog. i want to be a chicken quesidilla with nachos not soft taco.
i want someone to call me and say hey man, how have you been? wanna go see a movie? and i'll go to a movie and after the movie we'll go out for food and we'll sit and laugh, and when i go home they'll talk to me online, and the next day, when they're bored they'll talk to me... and i'll talk to them, and i'll want to talk with them as much as they want to talk to me, and they'll want to hang out with me like i want to hang out with them. i want to be someone s best friend. i want to hand a best friend. i want to feel like im good enough for something.
im just not.
i have so much mroe to say but it's a waste of time.
i have a lot of things i need to straighten out. i.e. my chool papers, my room, every room i enter, my car, and my mind. that needs a lot of work. im so completely mondfucked it isn't funny. everythings in dissarray. basically because one day i woke up and i was kicked in the brain by news my dumb ass didn't expect and i haven't thought right sense. and that's basically how it goes. startling news that changes your perception of things. Some things are better spoonfed instead of trying to swallow it at once. I am currently digesting a complete roticery chicken. and I don't like roticery chicken.
I've been put back to where i never really wanted to be again, but what can i do. That's what sucks about teamwork. when your teammember quits, you can't be like "we're not quitting because i say so. no. you have to let them quit. sucks balls.
I've resorting to not really giving a shit anymore. i've been making shitloads of mistakes. basically i made one big one that fucked up everything, and since i know i can't havfe that back i haven't really cared if i fuck anything else up or not?
I hate waiting for shit to happen. you know? like... you don't want to wait for things to get better you want to wake up and things be fine. it's pretty much like that. I want to wake up and things be how they're supposed to be. I hate transition. Like...change doesn't bother me so much as transition. trasition is ultimately confusion. there's two alternatives and transition is the confusion between. and im not much for consideration. I like to know how things should be so i can deal with it. Like say my alternatives are cereal or a ham sandwich. i don't give a fuck. i don't want to decide or contemplate or discuss it. i want you to tell me if im getting a ham sandwich or a bowl of cereal so i can fucking start eating it. i don't care which is better or suits the moment, im ready to play the hand im dealt.
so basically i don't care to discuss if this is right or not. one day im probably going to regret everything i've ever done simply because i can find something bad in everything i've ever done. so that's not my concern. im just ready to deal witht hings. am i single? fucking great, i'm ready to be single and go on with a single life... are we trying to work something out? good! im ready to start working on shit... im not one for making decisions im one for making the decisions made work. that's what i do. you give me orders i make them work, im not a god damn manager im a fucking employee and i like it that way. that's why i'd to be a cosmetologist or a tattoo artist or something of the sort. someone tells me what they want, i make it happen. i can make it better or do exactly what they say, but i work with what they tell me to do, and that's how i like it. stop trying to make me make god damn decisions, because i don't fucking care. i don't. i don't make decisions, i follow them. hey that's me. *waves*
i don't want to hear any of that "be yourself" bullshit either. i am me.
*sigh* my computer sucks.
dear diary. i'm retarded.
i treat people like shit. i don't mean to, i just do. i suck at making plans with people because i don't so much like telling people no, so i never tell people yes. it's basically "you wanna hang out?" "not sure, but we'll see, what's your number, i'll call you?" and that's how i hold my spaces. i wonder where the fuck i got that from. -_-
but yeah, so i never tell anyone yes, and my self esteem drops a whole bunch because no one answers phones when i call them and it makes me reallys elfconcious because i swear to god i think people see my number and ignore their phone. like im really fucking paranoid. probably because no one ever answers their phones when i call. except richard. and crystal answers two times out of nine. i get answering machines a lot. i don't leave messages simply because everyone gets that "missed calls" screen. dur.
and i love how everyone tells me they'll call me later to catch up. and they don't. sucks. because i know how that is, and i hate that i do that to people. i'm an ass.
but so is everyone else, so i don't feel too bad about it.
i want to move away. like.... really. i want to move to a big city already. i want my crappy appartment that i'm going to decorate really nice. and walking to work. and reading newspapers. and actually getting to wake up with someone. i think that's the part i look forward to frowing up for. i want to wake up one day with someone else. you know, to know i had the comfort of having someone in the bed with me. it's a comfortingt hought. i don't too much care to be married. because that influences the want for kids and family and that's not for me. though i did learn i'd be an anal dad.
so emily's kid was running around everywhere *note, ada is the cutest damn kid ever* she's so adorable. and i was so scared she'd get hurt the whole night. like everyone else was all chill but i was all like "where's ada, what is she getting into" so we played alot. lots of airplane rides and spins and chases and pokes and "go punch kristin in the faces" and i was just so overprotective of SOMEONE ELSE'S KID the entire night it was strance. i can't imagine how i'd be with my kid. but if I do have a kid, it'll be a girl, and she'll be as cute as Ada. if it's a boy, I wont know what do do. "sorry, daddy can't run catch throw or do anything that would potentially help you make friends throughout school." so I dunno. i'm scared of growing up. but i want to so bad. i'm torn in between responsibility and responsibility i want to take care of myself but i don't want to be responsible for my actions i don't think. i want to have my own place. i want my own life, i don't want to be a kid anymore, but i don't want to fuck up i don't want to do taxes i don't want to buy insurance i don't want to end up with a kid. -_- i don't want to be a man. i just want to be on my own... :S
which is stupid. i can't have that i know, you don't have to tell me it's just basically me typing shit that doesn't mean anything to you guys because i have nothing better to do. and since im sure no one has read all of this, i can add some shit no one wants to hear in the middle here.
you fucked me up so bad. i thought i had everything i thought we were going to reconstruct and make things better and it didn't happen that way you decided to give up. you dropped us and wanted me to pick us up, and when i didn't you got mad at me because i didn't pick up what you dropped. that wasn't fair. so i wanted to make things work and you told me i could try to make things work we both made mistakes and we were both wrong so i assumed you could fess up and forget shit. if we were both wrong there's not sense in holding a god damn grudge but you did, and you let me keep trying to make us work but then you told me we wouldn't work that we wouldn't have back what i wanted you let me believe ins omething that wouldn't happen now if you tell me i shouldn't have left that you miss me i swear i'll rip your god damn head off i am sick of you leading me on because you don't want me to stop talking to you. being around you breaks my heart and i don't want to talk to you right now if this is what's going on. why don't you try to understand what you're doing with me and live up to the decisions you're making and leaving me with no option but to make? don't get mad at me for leaving when you told me to leave. don't get mad that i didn't argue or compromise because i don't i deal witht he decisions you hadn me. if i feel the need i put in my two cents. if i don't i go with a decision i'm comfortable with. that was that. and i'm well on my way to recovery. im getting over you. not so much forgetting you as replacing you with a whole lot of anger. anger for the decision you made. i don't think you're a bad person and i wont let anyone think you're a bad person because youa ren't you're just a complicated person. you speak your own language and refuse to translate for anyone and that bothered me because i didn't understand it. i think you were awesome we had EXCELLENT times together. you were my best friend despite that i was never really yours. i relied on you and trusted you more than anyone i've ever known and that you don't think i ever told you anything was bullshit because i told you everything i could possibly tell a person. anything i didn't tell you i didn't tell anyone else. so that's crazy. i trusted you more than anything sorry if that wasn't enough for you. im sorry that you didn't feel like dealing with our fighting, sorry that you didn't want to be the first to change. sorry you were too stubborn to get over my being stubborn. but i was never too good to be the first to change. i was trying to. i just wasn't having any luck with it. sorry i wasn't changing fast enough for you. i just.... i feel like all of this was because i wasn't good enough for you and it hurts. because i tried so god damn hard for so god damn long and you gave up on me. you quit. you said we were over that i fucked up what we had. i basically feel like you think it's my fault. i wasn't good enough. you didn't want it anymore, you gave up. i never gave up. i was dicouraged, but i never gave up. my trying to move on wasn't giving up, it was me trying to make with the decisions you made. only now i am trying to move on. i want to find someone else, or no one at all, i want to get over you because you don't want me back. but i am replacing you with anger, and a lot of hurt because that's what i have from this. yeah, i have a lot of great memories of us. we had amazing times. ^_^ but... they weren't good enough for you, so i just can't think that highly of them. and right now i don't think we could get back together if we wanted to. i don't feel like im in the shape for you to trust me. i learned i want a lot of things i can't have if we're together that i probably can't have anyways, but they still keep us apart. i want to be with one person forever, but it wont be that way. i still want to be with different people. and while im willing to commit to one i feel like i'd be cheating you to say i wasn't interested in other people because i am. i can settle. i can refuse to act on the feelings, but i can't say the feelings aren't there and with that i wouldn't be comfortable anyways. im basically trying to get over this however i can, and im well on my way, im recovering. im not dwelling on it, but it's hard not to think about you know? i can't not think about it. so im just telling you what i've been thinking. i do miss you, but i don't want to hang out with you. because im not ready to be just friends yet. im pretty set on accepting that we're not together, im just not ready to see you interested in other guys or moving on. the way i see it you kicked me out. you wanted me to leave, so im leaving. i didn't want you to leave so i don't want to see you adjust. it's really painful. if it's going to be so painful for you to watch me you shouldn't have let me go, and that's my thoughts on it. im still an angry person despite how i don't want to be.
and on that i've progressivly grown into an angry person. i've only had one person who would actually listen to me. everyone else had other things to deal with or made it seem like a problem to listen me or just seemed alltogether bothered when i talked to them. and when you have a lot of problems, you can't dump everything on one person and then turn around and try to be there for them, two people can't hsare eachothers problem, that's too much weight on the both of them. and so i took it upon myself to be there for them and handle my own then only one of us was holding the load... and over time it got really heavy...and i started to break, and had no one to take it off on.. and... i broke. i just started getting really angry and hating myself for not being strong enough or good enough or funny enough or smart enough or fast enough or tough enough or just enough for anything. i fell short of everything. i was never what i needed to be or when i needed to be. no one ever says damn... that colbey kid... i like hanging out with him. or i wonder what colbeys up to, i'll call him and see what's up. i mean it's cool that not many people minded that i was around, and at times enjoyed me, but in general i was never really someone to invite up. i always felt like a tag along and not vip you know?. i always wanted to be important or mean something to someone and theres only really been three people to really make me feel like that. but... they don't so much anymore. it all fell apart. i destroy everything that really matters ot me, but i don't try to. i just. :S i convince myself it's trying to destroy me. i... never felt like i deserved anything good so when i did get something good i picked at it until i found the trick to it. there had to be some kind of hidden trap trying to hurt me, you know... that paranoia acting up again.
i love so many people. there are so many people i wish i could be close friends with but im not comfortable. i don't feel wanted all of the space that isn't filled with talking bothers me. i feel like if i were a good friend i would be filling it in with something fun to talk about, and since i don't feel worthy of the position i'm in i make it MY responibility to fill the void. not theirs. my way of paying for the chance to be where i am. it's just... i'll never be a hero. i'll never be famous, no one will ever know my name, and i'll never be important to anyone but i want to be someone who makes a difference. i want people to know who i am, and i want people to like me. -_- i want people to think im funny, or cool to be around. i want people to like me like they like richard. everyone says richards an ass, because he is, they don't say it as in they think he's an asshole and don't like him, people love richard. and he is an ass, but everyone knows he's playing, he's not REALLY an ass. people think he's funny. people love richard they trust richard. people know richard. no one knows me. if they do it's because im short. not because im funny or they had a good time with me at one point. no. it's not like that. i want to be someone. i want people to call me to hang out. i want people to want to spend time with me. not sit on my ass until 8 o'clock on a saturday night trying to get ahold of people to hang out with and no one answeing or returning my phone calls or messages. it makes me feel like shit. i hate being me so much. i live inside this hermit shell, but i don't want to be in it. i wish i had someone who would stand outside of it and assure me that it was okay to come out, that it was nice outside, i should see the sun. they'd pull me out and show me that the world is nice outside of my shell and no one will hurt me, but i don't have anyone. every time i step out someone pushes me down so i crawl back in and i hate it. everything about being alive hurts and i don't have anyone to help soften the blows. and i have so many people who are going to say they'll be there for me. these are the people i try to talk to all of the time but never seem to want to talk to me. and that's why i as people don't mind me being around, they just don't so much want me. back to analogies. like if someone got me a hot dog. i would eat it. i don't too much like hot dogs, but if someone gets me one, i'll eat it. because i don't mind. but im not going to request a hot dog. i don't want to be a hotdog. i want to be a chicken quesidilla with nachos not soft taco.
i want someone to call me and say hey man, how have you been? wanna go see a movie? and i'll go to a movie and after the movie we'll go out for food and we'll sit and laugh, and when i go home they'll talk to me online, and the next day, when they're bored they'll talk to me... and i'll talk to them, and i'll want to talk with them as much as they want to talk to me, and they'll want to hang out with me like i want to hang out with them. i want to be someone s best friend. i want to hand a best friend. i want to feel like im good enough for something.
im just not.
i have so much mroe to say but it's a waste of time.