thoughts in my head
First off...I LOVE my wii-fit. They had one at best buy last night, and I picked it up. Cause I'd used it at a friend's house and liked it.
I haven't completely explored it yet...I've gone through the aerobics and the yoga bits though.
Aerobics - not as strenuous as I feared. I did most of them without a problem. The running in place bit...Oi. 1/4 of the way through I was breathing heavy, and 1/2 way through I was HURTING. That's when I discovered that walking works, and doesn't extend your time...but the system knows to adapt calorie burning appropriately. So I walked when I started hurting and when I felt able I ran some more...and did that a few times. It gives a percentage (I guess of max?) of how much you burned.
Mind you, all of this was in 3 minutes...I suck at running.
Yoga - I ADORE yoga. It likes to tell me my balance is off...to which I say YES....back problems, hello? But all in all, it's not bad. And get this...part of my back was hurting from the running, and I did the yoga anyway...I mean, how hard can stretching be, right?
My back shifted and quit hurting. Holy hell. My back LIKES this stuff!!!
I approve COMPLETELY.
I've done the balance games before...they're fun, but difficult (I think). I didn't do them this time though. I spent 18 minutes apparently doing exercise. I could have done more, but I wanted to stop to meet Jason when he got off work. We're going walking. :) For exercise. Yay us!
Also, GOOD...no, FANTASTIC...NO....UBER-FANTASTIC AWESOME news from work! SCHEDULE CHANGE!!!! (don't know what the hours are, but!!!)
I will not be on phones for 8 hours a day anymore. YIPEE!!! I'm on EMAIL for 6 hours of my day!!!!! And I can listen to my ipod and answer emails!!! *CHEER* The other 2 hours will be used to cover the lunch period for our intrepid phone crew. I'm so EXCITED!
I got told that I'm on email because I'm efficient at it, and because I do a good job with it. Well, yay me!
Jason tells me that he gets told I'm a lot like him...it makes me smile.
See, when I was a kid, someone (heck if i know who anymore) asked me what I wanted out of a future husband (cause boyfriends for life didn't exist in our rural mentality, i guess..let alone girlfriends). I told them I wanted someone as smart as me. I know that sounds incredibly conceited, but I was young and couldn't explain what I meant.
I wanted someone who learned the same way and at the same speed I did. Who could see the overall connections and the big picture. Who didn't have to learn every single thing and memorize it but could use logic and extrapolate what needed to be done based on that. I always seemed to be surrounded by people who just didn't GET things, didn't bother THINKING about things, and just wanted to coast through without TRYING.
If Jason's the answer to that request, then by Jove, SOMEONE upstairs was listening. Thanks, you. :)
And that brings me to my other thought that's been running around in my head all day. I miss Dar. I want to see her. I was thinking about this...and I'm coming to terms with a few things.
Like...yeah, she had issues. But so did I. I got exactly what I wanted out of Dar...I wanted someone who would make the decisions for me, who'd be able to say No to people (cause I have the WORST time doing so). Someone who could just not CARE what other people were going through. I thought of that as inner strength...to not be swayed by other people. I got what I wanted. and you know, at first it worked out great.
I grew up. I learned that being able to say no wasn't the same as not caring. And I learned that sometimes, saying no isn't the right thing to do. And the more I grew, the more comfortable I became with my own concept of right and wrong and the more I believed that we are, really, all one family, and that we HAVE to take care of each other. I finally was able to see the difference between helping someone and letting them walk all over you.
And as I did this, I wonder what she was doing? Because, you see, I think of her in a very static way. I don't think of her as changing...she was just DAR. But, logically, she had to change. People do. I know, towards the end, I felt stifled, like she had me in this mold that I couldn't break free of. That she saw me the way I'd always been, and that there was no room for me to be who I WAS. And i still couldn't say no to her. I'd relied on her always being the one to say no, the one to give bad news. I couldn't break out of that mold either. I tried...but it didn't work. I wonder, now, what kind of mold she felt stuck in. I wonder what she wanted.
In the end, she did exactly what I'd always wanted her to. She stood up, gave out the bad news, and let things fall as they may without giving in. I owe her for that, I think. As much as it hurt when she broke up with me...it needed doing, and I COULDN'T do it.
I wonder sometimes, why things went the way they did. I don't think we were able to grow TOGETHER. and I don't know why. We each grew by ourselves, I guess. In the end, I felt mostly duty...This was what I did, and I did it because that's what I was.
And then, I wonder about me and Jason. Will we do the same thing? Will I end up being able to NOT say goodbye if it's the right thing to do? Will duty consume emotion?
I don't think so. For one, I'm capable of asking the question. For another, I think we'll grow together. We talk about it sometimes, how I've changed. I've become more confident. I'm more willing to stand up for myself, to tell someone off if they need it. He's changed too. He's coming to accept that this is HIS home, and he will NOT let ppl walk all over him. He's planning for the future. He's gotten WAY better about not letting work stress follow him home. I think he's happier than he used to be. I bet he's changed in a thousand little ways that I don't see though, and we should talk about that. *nods*
For another...when I think about the duty, the responsibility, I have...I realize that I feel as if my duty to him is SECONDARY to my duty to the relationship. While it's not easy to tell him if something's wrong, not easy to upset him, and definitely not easy to tell him when i'm upset or angry, I know i HAVE to. Because i can't bottle that up inside and move on. It doesn't work that way. And I don't think i knew that with dar. Or, if I did, i never DID that.
So, you know...I WOULD like to see Dar. I'd like to thank her for being strong enough to push me out into the world. I'd like to tell her it was the right choice. And I'd like to say goodbye, and turn around, and walk away.
And take Jason's hand and walk into the sunset.
...where my wii-fit awaits me. *G*
I haven't completely explored it yet...I've gone through the aerobics and the yoga bits though.
Aerobics - not as strenuous as I feared. I did most of them without a problem. The running in place bit...Oi. 1/4 of the way through I was breathing heavy, and 1/2 way through I was HURTING. That's when I discovered that walking works, and doesn't extend your time...but the system knows to adapt calorie burning appropriately. So I walked when I started hurting and when I felt able I ran some more...and did that a few times. It gives a percentage (I guess of max?) of how much you burned.
Mind you, all of this was in 3 minutes...I suck at running.
Yoga - I ADORE yoga. It likes to tell me my balance is off...to which I say YES....back problems, hello? But all in all, it's not bad. And get this...part of my back was hurting from the running, and I did the yoga anyway...I mean, how hard can stretching be, right?
My back shifted and quit hurting. Holy hell. My back LIKES this stuff!!!
I approve COMPLETELY.
I've done the balance games before...they're fun, but difficult (I think). I didn't do them this time though. I spent 18 minutes apparently doing exercise. I could have done more, but I wanted to stop to meet Jason when he got off work. We're going walking. :) For exercise. Yay us!
Also, GOOD...no, FANTASTIC...NO....UBER-FANTASTIC AWESOME news from work! SCHEDULE CHANGE!!!! (don't know what the hours are, but!!!)
I will not be on phones for 8 hours a day anymore. YIPEE!!! I'm on EMAIL for 6 hours of my day!!!!! And I can listen to my ipod and answer emails!!! *CHEER* The other 2 hours will be used to cover the lunch period for our intrepid phone crew. I'm so EXCITED!
I got told that I'm on email because I'm efficient at it, and because I do a good job with it. Well, yay me!
Jason tells me that he gets told I'm a lot like him...it makes me smile.
See, when I was a kid, someone (heck if i know who anymore) asked me what I wanted out of a future husband (cause boyfriends for life didn't exist in our rural mentality, i guess..let alone girlfriends). I told them I wanted someone as smart as me. I know that sounds incredibly conceited, but I was young and couldn't explain what I meant.
I wanted someone who learned the same way and at the same speed I did. Who could see the overall connections and the big picture. Who didn't have to learn every single thing and memorize it but could use logic and extrapolate what needed to be done based on that. I always seemed to be surrounded by people who just didn't GET things, didn't bother THINKING about things, and just wanted to coast through without TRYING.
If Jason's the answer to that request, then by Jove, SOMEONE upstairs was listening. Thanks, you. :)
And that brings me to my other thought that's been running around in my head all day. I miss Dar. I want to see her. I was thinking about this...and I'm coming to terms with a few things.
Like...yeah, she had issues. But so did I. I got exactly what I wanted out of Dar...I wanted someone who would make the decisions for me, who'd be able to say No to people (cause I have the WORST time doing so). Someone who could just not CARE what other people were going through. I thought of that as inner strength...to not be swayed by other people. I got what I wanted. and you know, at first it worked out great.
I grew up. I learned that being able to say no wasn't the same as not caring. And I learned that sometimes, saying no isn't the right thing to do. And the more I grew, the more comfortable I became with my own concept of right and wrong and the more I believed that we are, really, all one family, and that we HAVE to take care of each other. I finally was able to see the difference between helping someone and letting them walk all over you.
And as I did this, I wonder what she was doing? Because, you see, I think of her in a very static way. I don't think of her as changing...she was just DAR. But, logically, she had to change. People do. I know, towards the end, I felt stifled, like she had me in this mold that I couldn't break free of. That she saw me the way I'd always been, and that there was no room for me to be who I WAS. And i still couldn't say no to her. I'd relied on her always being the one to say no, the one to give bad news. I couldn't break out of that mold either. I tried...but it didn't work. I wonder, now, what kind of mold she felt stuck in. I wonder what she wanted.
In the end, she did exactly what I'd always wanted her to. She stood up, gave out the bad news, and let things fall as they may without giving in. I owe her for that, I think. As much as it hurt when she broke up with me...it needed doing, and I COULDN'T do it.
I wonder sometimes, why things went the way they did. I don't think we were able to grow TOGETHER. and I don't know why. We each grew by ourselves, I guess. In the end, I felt mostly duty...This was what I did, and I did it because that's what I was.
And then, I wonder about me and Jason. Will we do the same thing? Will I end up being able to NOT say goodbye if it's the right thing to do? Will duty consume emotion?
I don't think so. For one, I'm capable of asking the question. For another, I think we'll grow together. We talk about it sometimes, how I've changed. I've become more confident. I'm more willing to stand up for myself, to tell someone off if they need it. He's changed too. He's coming to accept that this is HIS home, and he will NOT let ppl walk all over him. He's planning for the future. He's gotten WAY better about not letting work stress follow him home. I think he's happier than he used to be. I bet he's changed in a thousand little ways that I don't see though, and we should talk about that. *nods*
For another...when I think about the duty, the responsibility, I have...I realize that I feel as if my duty to him is SECONDARY to my duty to the relationship. While it's not easy to tell him if something's wrong, not easy to upset him, and definitely not easy to tell him when i'm upset or angry, I know i HAVE to. Because i can't bottle that up inside and move on. It doesn't work that way. And I don't think i knew that with dar. Or, if I did, i never DID that.
So, you know...I WOULD like to see Dar. I'd like to thank her for being strong enough to push me out into the world. I'd like to tell her it was the right choice. And I'd like to say goodbye, and turn around, and walk away.
And take Jason's hand and walk into the sunset.
...where my wii-fit awaits me. *G*