Cold Crush Gate [3/?]
Title: Cold Crush Gate [3/?]
Author: ccgensou
Genre: Angst/sap/romance
Rating: PG-13
Band: Gazette
Pairing: Reita/Ruki
Summary: Reita's cold, unloving facade makes Ruki break up with him, but it seems like no one really wants it to end. So is there any way to break through Reita's shell caused by fear to show his real feelings, and that way mend their broken relationship?
Comment: Ruki's going dirrrrty. Well, just a little. *cough* This chapter is awfully... cute. Huh. Anyway, school's started and I've been sick twice, that's my only excuses for taking so long. I apologize. *hide* I'd really want feedback for this (and constructive criticism is always welcome), so please comment?
~
Earlier chapters:
Prologue
Chapter 1 - Regret
Chapter 2 - Delete
~
Illustration drawn by ccgensou, aka. me. © on the art belongs to me.
Thank you for respecting this, please?
~
Chapter 3 - Fingertips
The room was empty with the exception of his own existence.
And Ruki was glad that it was that way, because he still dreaded the moment when the other members of the band would arrive and crowd the small room they had been provided for the band meeting. The day before, he had refused to leave his apartment, had excused himself in fear of what would await him if he would have gone to practise. But this time he couldn’t not go. It was one of those times when they did not gather together to play and rehearse, but to talk things over to see where they were heading with all the work they had done. It was important for him to be there.
Ruki tugged at the hem of his sleeve absently, nervously, staring down at the round table in front of him. He was sitting in the chair opposite of the entrance door, where he had seated himself to invoke a certain sense of safety to know that his back was facing a wall, to know that he would be able to see whoever entered immediately. However, he wasn’t paying attention to the door, because the dark, polished wood of the table supported a small collection of things that he had brought with him to occupy his astray mind. And what always caught his eye was the bright red colour of KitKats. Reita’s favourite candy. Reita’s.
He did not know why he, on his way to the PSC building, had suddenly decided that he was going to buy KitKats, but the fact remained that he had. And they were sitting there now, reminding him of Reita every time his eyes settled on them, reminded him of all the times he had smiled when the bassist had decided that he couldn’t live without getting a KitKat right that moment.
He sighed deeply, cursing his stupidity. Cursing everything he had done and everything he was doing. Everything he was. But before he had the time to wallow himself further into the mess, there was the unmistakeable sound of the door handle being pressed down. Glancing up apprehensively, wishing for it to be Reita at the same time as he dearly hoped it was not, Ruki held his breath. It was as if his mind could not decide what it wanted, as if fear and want and need were competing cruelly. But at the sight of the familiar face of Kai peeking in, he just sighed deeply once again, relieved to see someone he could be comfortable around.
“Good morning”, Kai greeted with a smile and a nod of his head as he ventured into the room, dumping a black bag unceremoniously onto the table.
“Morning”, Ruki mumbled, biting down on his lower lip as he ran a hand through his unruly morning hair, plopping up one of his elbows on the table just to proceed to rest his head in the palm of his hand. “How’s stuff?” he then asked, right then determined to keep his mind occupied to not let the poisonous thoughts of Reita invade and take over, because his mind could not take it anymore. He wanted to shut off and make the problems fade under the erasing need to act normal.
Kai waited until he was seated in the chair opposite of Ruki, before giving him a weird look. “Good, just good”, he answered airily, before leaning forward slightly over the table to take a closer look at him. The way the drummer acted was not promising to Ruki, however, and in turn, he squirmed uncomfortably as he found himself under an intense stare. “You don’t look too good, though, if I do say so myself. You kind of look like Reita - the poor guy’s sleep deprived, I’ve caught him up and about even in the weirdest hours.” Ruki immediately felt the blood drain from his face as he heard the name of the one he feared, and he licked his lips nervously, but didn’t have the time to say anything before Kai continued unmercifully into his all too sudden turn of morning conversation. “He’s been restless and pretty much on the edge lately, and since he’s crashing at my place right now - something which I might say is a bit odd since he does have an own apartment as well - I’m starting to wonder. Did Reita always wake up at weird times and did he always be that jumpy when he was living with you?”
Ruki felt a very strong urge to cry out for everything to stop, because to him it seemed like everything was going too fast, too unexpectedly and was too confronting. He hadn’t prepared to be questioned like that, had optimistically, idiotically, thought that he could avoid everything, every question that would only be seen as normal in that kind of a situation. But at Kai’s unwavering gaze, Ruki simply averted his eyes and leaned back in the chair, putting his arms protectively around his own waist. “No”, he then whispered as a quiet reply.
“No?”, Kai repeated, as if to confirm, but he didn’t wait before he plunged further. “So what kind of a situation are we standing in now? Reita won’t say a word, you know. Who broke up with who?”
With the feelings and memories still too painfully fresh in his mind, Ruki had to take several deep, desperate breathes of air to not break into tears at what to him seemed as a cruelly harsh questioning. He was not ready. He just wanted to curl up into a small ball and hide, but instead he only tightened the grip around his waist until he felt his nails dig into his own skin, and he stared at the edge of the table as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. “I did”, he breathed out then, softly, after what had probably seemed like ages yet was still too soon for him.
“Sorry, what was that?” the drummer asked, wanting him to repeat himself. Yet Ruki was sure that he had heard it perfectly fine in the silence of the room, and although a part of him felt as if it was all too cruel, he understood that he could not hide from his actions forever, couldn’t deny that he had been the one to mess up when it all came down to facts.
Closing his eyes, he took another shaking breath, and opened his mouth in an attempt to say it again, but he choked on his words pathetically. Opening his eyes again, he met Kai’s steady gaze with his panicky own, silently begging him to not ask of him to have to repeat it, but there were no mercy in the drummer’s eyes. Coughing embarrassedly and averting his eyes once again, a small flush tinted his cheeks as he raised his voice, uttering once again the words, “I did. I broke up with Reita.”
He hadn’t known what to expect from Kai. Perhaps preaching about the togetherness of the band, the importance of keeping things on friendly terms, or perhaps he had thought the man to scold him for breaking up with torture, or to congratulate him for a job well done. But one thing was for sure. He had never expected Kai to answer by sitting back in his chair with a deep sigh, hiding his face in the palm of his hand. Ruki’s uncertain gaze came to rest with curiosity on the other presence, waiting in the growing silence for some kind of sign of what he was supposed to do. Kai almost looked defeated, eyes closed and with a small, almost worried frown line becoming apparent on his usually so cheerful face. And when he finally opened his mouth to speak again, his voice sounded tired but careful.
“I don’t know what made you do that, Ruki, and I’m sure you have your reasons.” The drummer took away the hand from his face and looked up, met Ruki’s wide eyes with his own searching yet determined gaze. “But what I don’t see is why you broke up with him when you both still love each other.”
A frustrated flush coloured Ruki’s cheeks faintly as he turned his head down to stare at his knees, but he didn’t say anything, didn’t mention the cruelty he could see in the bassist. Yet, the image of Reita, and the memories of his smile, of his eyes, his embrace, his touch, his kiss - they flooded his already confused mind. The little moments of love and perfection tainted his wish to hate the other man. He didn’t understand. It was all a mess that made him want to scream at the top of his lungs. He felt like he couldn’t make it. That it didn’t work.
That he was going to be crushed under the burden of a past.
“Do you really think that he still loves me?” he suddenly asked, voicing the hesitant question growing inside him. The words came out weakly, painted with layers of doubt and hurt feelings, but he couldn’t bring any strength to them, feeling too emotionally torn up by the confrontation the subject meant. Keeping his eyes turned down, he could feel Kai gazing at him, but dared not to look up, afraid to crack under the pressure of the moment.
“I can’t say for sure”, Kai began, choosing his words carefully. “But I’ve never seen him as miserable as last night.” He paused, but then continued again, surprisingly enough sounding hesitant, too. “Ruki, please treat him well. He’s been through more than you can imagine.”
At those words, Ruki raised his head and met the drummer's eyes. Eyes that, somehow, seemed almost pleading, as if he begged for him to do as he had advised, as if he was almost afraid of what would happen if he did not. Eyes that, when Ruki’s breathing started to accelerate in sudden panic, turned sympathetic, accompanied by an apologetic smile. As if he asked for forgiveness because he had placed this burdening information upon Ruki’s conscience.
“What do you mean?” he tried to ask, but at that exact moment, the door flew open, drowning his words before reaching Kai’s ears. Flinching, Ruki’s eyes widened in shock at the abrupt interruption. In came Uruha and Aoi with wide smiles lighting up their friendly faces, tailed quickly by a gently smiling Reita.
With absolutely no time to calm himself, Ruki simply did what he could - standing up immediately, breaking up in a wide grin as he quickly bowed and greeted the new arrivals. As if nothing in the world was wrong.
The perfect façade.
~
It was ironic how everything suddenly worked. How he could smile, laugh and be social as if nothing was wrong. The group talked just like they always did at that kind of meetings, yet Ruki was very aware that Kai, Uruha and Aoi all sent rather obviously concerned glances towards him and Reita.
Reita.
He didn’t really know what was going through the mind of the bassist. Sometimes he couldn’t help but to look at the beautiful man sitting to his left and wish he could give some kind of a hint about what kind of thoughts he harboured. And yet, at the same time it was as if he honestly didn’t want to know. He wanted to be close but at the same time as far away from him as possible. Two wishes that simply couldn’t both be granted. He sighed.
The round table enabled him to sit at Reita’s right, but at the same time not sit side to side, giving him enough space to not panic, and the possibility to steal glances without being too obvious.
Reita was absolutely beautiful. Just like he had always been. Ruki had always thought he was special, in a way that back when he had realised his feelings for him he had not been surprised, because, in a way, he had always loved him. Always had and, perhaps, always would? He found himself nibbling carefully at the chocolate of a KitKat while watching his dear friend, former lover, a man he needed so desperately to understand. Always? He could not always love him, not when that love was not returned. That was like being caught in a sick past. It was a disease, that love, and he would treat it accordingly.
But could he?
He watched Reita lift his cigarette to his mouth, and fought back an embarrassing flush as lips he used to be able to kiss closed around the necessity. What if his love was like cancer eating up every healthy way to live? Reita didn’t look at anyone, had rarely raised his gaze from the tabletop during the meeting, and now his eyes fluttered close, dark eyelashes resting lightly against skin that seemed almost sickly pale as he breathed out the smoke, letting it dance up towards the ceiling. Ruki forgot to breathe. What if his love was like the part of the puzzle that would always wait for its right place? What if he would always wait for Reita?
The stunning man slowly opened his eyes, and Ruki could not quite decide if he looked tired or just lazy. He felt his heart flutter nervously as he quickly turned his own gaze down, feeling as if he had gathered illegal fruit when he had allowed himself to observe him so closely. Breathing out a breath he had forgotten that he was holding, he realised that hadn’t he always been waiting for Reita already?
The chocolate was melting between his fingers, but he didn’t care as he pretended to give the KitKat all his attention, going through unnecessary effort just to eat it. It was easier than to just sit there, looking at everyone. Easier to just push away his thoughts and make even himself believe that the chocolate-covered wafers were more important than anything else. A foot touched his under the table. He licked chocolate off of his lips before continuing to gently bite into the chocolate. The foot touching his did not leave. Giving it a moment, the wafer gave in and he contently let the chocolate melt against his tongue to savour it. Foot still gently touching his with shy warmth. He chewed the bit of crisp wafer. No taking back. Ruki paused.
Letting his eyes wander around the other four members, he watched closely for some kind of indication of who it was. Aoi was animatedly discussing something with Kai, aided by comments slipped in by Uruha. And Reita, well, he didn’t even blink in his direction, only kept on quietly smoking the remains of his cigarette. If now Ruki would have been a naïve girl, he would have suspected Reita, judging from the indifferent attitude, but he was no girl, he was a fully grown up man and he… Really hoped it was Reita‘s foot touching his under the table. Hoped up to the point of want, and want to the point of need, and need to the point of desperation.
He felt a really strong urge to bend down and just look, but something told him not to. If it was Reita’s foot, then he would draw away the moment Ruki would look. If it was Reita’s foot, then Ruki wanted to know if it was a conscious move. And if it was, he wanted it to mean something.
He wanted a lot of things.
Oh yes, he wanted much, but did not act according to those wants. He knew not to, was not foolish, could easily tell that want was not equal common sense. So he simply sat there, observing the other members of the group curiously as he continued to the pleasurable task of eating KitKat. The time moved slowly, the meeting kept going, with the guitarists and the drummer still being the talkative part, and Ruki completely lost track of what they were talking about. That foot was still touching his. It was like that fact had lodged into his mind and would not let him focus on anything else.
A sideways glance at Reita told him that the taller blonde had given up on smoking his cigarette, and was now slouched back in his chair with his arms folded carefully over his chest, gaze like wedged on the edge of the dark, wooden table. The girl inside Ruki beamed. The man inside Ruki told him to get a grip.
This was Reita, after all. Cold, unloving, indifferent, bastard Reita that could make him breathless just by looking at him. This was why his gaze moved to Uruha. To him, he seemed to be the most logical owner of that touch. But he didn’t want it to be Uruha, he wanted it to be Reita. Uruha simply was not good enough.
Nothing was good enough. Nothing, nothing, nothing - except Reita. Except him, just him.
If he wouldn’t have had his dignity to hold onto, he would have groaned and let himself collapse into a shaking pile of idiocy. He would have wailed and cried, if only he would have been alone, because Reita’s presence was starting to tear at the seams of his sanity. If Reita still loved him, then why would he treat him like this. It was as if he wasn’t even there. No, Ruki wanted it to be Reita’s touch, because if anything, that could give him hope to hold onto. That was why he kept still, even though his body was starting to crave for him to move into a new position. That was why he found it impossible to focus on anything else than the touch of another foot lingering against his under the table.
To his left, Reita shifted slightly in the chair. And Ruki’s gaze quickly darted to the stunning man, his heart skipping a beat when the foot touching his stirred ever so slightly at the same time. It was as if his mind stopped working and all he could think was, oh my God.
And then he just didn’t care anymore and ducked under the table to confirm his suspicions.
He almost missed it, but just barely managed to be quick enough to catch a glimpse of how Reita’s foot quickly was drawn back, as if stung by something lethal. Eyes widening in realisation, Ruki opened his mouth as if to say something, but ended up just staring in disbelief at the other man‘s foot. And he didn’t know whether to cry or laugh.
Everything was silent. Taking in the fact that the rest of the group had fallen uncomfortably quiet, he quickly emerged from under the table, heart racing wildly in his chest as he stared at the bassist who, clearly, seemed to be at unease, avoiding to acknowledge the turn of events carefully.
“Ruki…?” Uruha questioned in a puzzled voice.
And Ruki started to laugh. A strange sort of relief filled him as he started to laugh, laugh, laugh until he almost cried, because it had been Reita, it had been. He others seemed bewildered at this sudden change, but he couldn’t be bothered to care as he gasped between the laughter, just wanting to collapse and die in confusion immediately. It really had been Reita.
And the shy man to his left glanced at him, seemingly embarrassed, but upon meeting Ruki’s gaze, he quickly looked down at his own hands resting in his lap, and Ruki smiled because he was so adorable. He was so fucking adorable yet he was such an idiot of a man. Leaning forward, his elbows resting against the tabletop, Ruki let his laughter slowly die, replaced by a gentle smile, a smile that was warm and loving, yet held an underlying sadness. He watched the flustered man, waiting patiently. And sure enough, soon Reita glanced up again, only to look away hurriedly, a small blush tinting the sickly pale skin. But then he glanced up again.
And he smiled.
It was a shy smile, much like the ones they used to share in the beginning of their shaky relationship. Much like the ones Ruki used to adore about the man, before everything slowly started to change, and that fact made Ruki’s heart quiver. Yet he could see the vulnerable sadness in the gesture that would normally indicate happiness, he could see that somehow Reita was hurt. But it wasn’t because of this moment, it couldn’t be that shallow.
So why was Reita suddenly looking so weak?
As if the quiet man had heard his thoughts, he averted his eyes, in some way almost looking ashamed for doing so, and when his smile faded away, so did the moment. Ruki swallowed the cry of frustration that threatened to escape as he watched the change, because it felt like it had been an important moment, and now it had slipped away into the past, leaving him only with torturing memories.
“What was that all about? Is everything alright?” Aoi asked uncertainly, glancing towards Uruha and Kai for some support. Ruki only blinked, eyes darting quickly towards the others, suddenly realising that they were not alone - something that he had chosen to neglect for a moment.
“Nothing”, came the mumbled reply from a tired-looking Reita before Ruki had the time to think clear enough to answer himself. “Everything’s okay. Don’t bother.”
Looking down, Ruki took a deep breath, mentally scolding himself for being so stupid. The three oblivious members of the group gave them one last concerned look before nodding and returning to their discussion, albeit this time their voices were less animated. He felt guilty, but said nothing as he picked up the forgotten KitKat from the tabletop. The chocolate immediately started to melt between his warm fingers, and he frowned, sinking his teeth gently into his prey as he started thinking. How could it be that Reita so simply changed into indifference? Was that smile just his game or was it genuine - did that indifference hide something? The frown deepened as Ruki put the last bit of the melting chocolate in his mouth. Was Kai right? He put his right-hand index finger in his mouth to suck off the sweetness. Reita did look exhausted, he mused, so exhausted in fact that weren’t it because his touch was now forbidden he would have worriedly held him and told him that they should go home. They, go home. Ruki heaved a sigh as he continued to lazily let his tongue dart out at various chocolate-covered spots on his fingers. It was something they would never do again, wasn’t it. Go home together. One glance at the man of his thoughts told him that, oh, he was looking back at him intently.
Ruki paused awkwardly with one of his fingers still lingering in the warmth his mouth. Upon realising he was caught staring, Reita quickly averted his gaze to the table once again, flushing and shifting uncomfortably in his chair while doing so.
Did Reita want chocolate? Ruki stared at the flushing man in curiosity. That was after all what - oh. Ruki’s mind went blank. Could it really? Was it? Did he?
Feeling a blush warming up his face, Ruki pulled his finger out of his mouth and stared down at his hands. The childish hope that he had tried to hold back was now clawing its way into his heart with ferocity, and after a moment of consideration, he did the only thing he could think of to once again try to claim the other man’s attention. He sucked his fingers.
Lavishing his fingers with attention, he carefully avoided to grant Reita any more glances in fear to scare him from looking, because that was what he wanted. He made sure to pretend that he was simply set on being clean, letting on a small frown to appear frustrated. His tongue darted out and circled around his fingers, absorbing himself in his little show.
It was dirty play. He knew that. It was wrong to do what he was doing, and he knew it could damage the situation even more if Reita realised he was doing it purely for the purpose of getting his attention. But he didn’t care, didn’t want to think as he once again let his warm mouth close around another finger, letting it slide against his slick tongue. It was irrational, stupid and wrong. It was an act he needed to stop immediately, it was - oh God, he just wanted Reita to look at him again, just wanted to feel his eyes watch his every move, just wanted to make him feel what he felt.
After a good long moment of careful cleaning, he finally allowed himself a quick glance towards the other blonde. And their eyes met immediately. And Ruki stopped breathing. He watched in amaze as Reita looked away, only to blink confusedly and look back again, the oh-so-familiar blush colouring his cheeks, betraying his embarrassment for being caught staring once again but not being able to look away.
“Do you - do you want a KitKat?” Ruki stuttered, and found himself fighting with a blush himself, too, when he heard the awkwardness of his offer.
Reita didn’t say anything for what felt like an eternity, his gaze darting back and forth between the tabletop and Ruki‘s eyes, making Ruki almost start to panic in nervousness. But Reita seemed just as unsure about the strange situation as he did, which somewhat calmed him to know. And then Reita opened his mouth, pausing slightly, before finally breathing out a quiet, “Sure.”
Ruki was almost sure that his relief was evident to the other man, but he didn’t care as he picked up the remaining KitKat from the table. His heart was racing wildly in his chest, almost impossibly fast, and he felt close to fainting in euphoria, confusion, nervousness, embarrassment and undeniable love as he held out the chocolate for the other man to take. And take it he did, and their fingertips met, as if it was the first innocent touch between two men that had become like strangers to each other. It lasted a second longer than they both knew was allowed, but when they snatched their hands away, it was as if the touch had been laced with venom.
Ruki found it incredibly difficult to breathe as he heard the mumbled thanks and saw how Reita, seemingly unaware of his actions, raised his hand to his mouth. The beautiful man’s tongue darted out innocently to lick away the faint trace of chocolate that had smeared off from Ruki’s fingers as they touched.
It was the simple innocence of it all that made something snap inside him, making him look away from the perfect sight, slowly taking a shaking breath as he made quick work of cleaning off the remaining chocolate on his fingers. He couldn’t help loving him, no matter what the other man did, he would forgive him for everything if only he could be in his arms again. He would. That was why he made a quiet vow to himself.
He vowed that he would patiently wait for the day when Reita was ready to forgive and take him back.
[Previous] · [Next]
Author: ccgensou
Genre: Angst/sap/romance
Rating: PG-13
Band: Gazette
Pairing: Reita/Ruki
Summary: Reita's cold, unloving facade makes Ruki break up with him, but it seems like no one really wants it to end. So is there any way to break through Reita's shell caused by fear to show his real feelings, and that way mend their broken relationship?
Comment: Ruki's going dirrrrty. Well, just a little. *cough* This chapter is awfully... cute. Huh. Anyway, school's started and I've been sick twice, that's my only excuses for taking so long. I apologize. *hide* I'd really want feedback for this (and constructive criticism is always welcome), so please comment?
~
Earlier chapters:
Prologue
Chapter 1 - Regret
Chapter 2 - Delete
~
Illustration drawn by ccgensou, aka. me. © on the art belongs to me.
Thank you for respecting this, please?
~
Chapter 3 - Fingertips
The room was empty with the exception of his own existence.
And Ruki was glad that it was that way, because he still dreaded the moment when the other members of the band would arrive and crowd the small room they had been provided for the band meeting. The day before, he had refused to leave his apartment, had excused himself in fear of what would await him if he would have gone to practise. But this time he couldn’t not go. It was one of those times when they did not gather together to play and rehearse, but to talk things over to see where they were heading with all the work they had done. It was important for him to be there.
Ruki tugged at the hem of his sleeve absently, nervously, staring down at the round table in front of him. He was sitting in the chair opposite of the entrance door, where he had seated himself to invoke a certain sense of safety to know that his back was facing a wall, to know that he would be able to see whoever entered immediately. However, he wasn’t paying attention to the door, because the dark, polished wood of the table supported a small collection of things that he had brought with him to occupy his astray mind. And what always caught his eye was the bright red colour of KitKats. Reita’s favourite candy. Reita’s.
He did not know why he, on his way to the PSC building, had suddenly decided that he was going to buy KitKats, but the fact remained that he had. And they were sitting there now, reminding him of Reita every time his eyes settled on them, reminded him of all the times he had smiled when the bassist had decided that he couldn’t live without getting a KitKat right that moment.
He sighed deeply, cursing his stupidity. Cursing everything he had done and everything he was doing. Everything he was. But before he had the time to wallow himself further into the mess, there was the unmistakeable sound of the door handle being pressed down. Glancing up apprehensively, wishing for it to be Reita at the same time as he dearly hoped it was not, Ruki held his breath. It was as if his mind could not decide what it wanted, as if fear and want and need were competing cruelly. But at the sight of the familiar face of Kai peeking in, he just sighed deeply once again, relieved to see someone he could be comfortable around.
“Good morning”, Kai greeted with a smile and a nod of his head as he ventured into the room, dumping a black bag unceremoniously onto the table.
“Morning”, Ruki mumbled, biting down on his lower lip as he ran a hand through his unruly morning hair, plopping up one of his elbows on the table just to proceed to rest his head in the palm of his hand. “How’s stuff?” he then asked, right then determined to keep his mind occupied to not let the poisonous thoughts of Reita invade and take over, because his mind could not take it anymore. He wanted to shut off and make the problems fade under the erasing need to act normal.
Kai waited until he was seated in the chair opposite of Ruki, before giving him a weird look. “Good, just good”, he answered airily, before leaning forward slightly over the table to take a closer look at him. The way the drummer acted was not promising to Ruki, however, and in turn, he squirmed uncomfortably as he found himself under an intense stare. “You don’t look too good, though, if I do say so myself. You kind of look like Reita - the poor guy’s sleep deprived, I’ve caught him up and about even in the weirdest hours.” Ruki immediately felt the blood drain from his face as he heard the name of the one he feared, and he licked his lips nervously, but didn’t have the time to say anything before Kai continued unmercifully into his all too sudden turn of morning conversation. “He’s been restless and pretty much on the edge lately, and since he’s crashing at my place right now - something which I might say is a bit odd since he does have an own apartment as well - I’m starting to wonder. Did Reita always wake up at weird times and did he always be that jumpy when he was living with you?”
Ruki felt a very strong urge to cry out for everything to stop, because to him it seemed like everything was going too fast, too unexpectedly and was too confronting. He hadn’t prepared to be questioned like that, had optimistically, idiotically, thought that he could avoid everything, every question that would only be seen as normal in that kind of a situation. But at Kai’s unwavering gaze, Ruki simply averted his eyes and leaned back in the chair, putting his arms protectively around his own waist. “No”, he then whispered as a quiet reply.
“No?”, Kai repeated, as if to confirm, but he didn’t wait before he plunged further. “So what kind of a situation are we standing in now? Reita won’t say a word, you know. Who broke up with who?”
With the feelings and memories still too painfully fresh in his mind, Ruki had to take several deep, desperate breathes of air to not break into tears at what to him seemed as a cruelly harsh questioning. He was not ready. He just wanted to curl up into a small ball and hide, but instead he only tightened the grip around his waist until he felt his nails dig into his own skin, and he stared at the edge of the table as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. “I did”, he breathed out then, softly, after what had probably seemed like ages yet was still too soon for him.
“Sorry, what was that?” the drummer asked, wanting him to repeat himself. Yet Ruki was sure that he had heard it perfectly fine in the silence of the room, and although a part of him felt as if it was all too cruel, he understood that he could not hide from his actions forever, couldn’t deny that he had been the one to mess up when it all came down to facts.
Closing his eyes, he took another shaking breath, and opened his mouth in an attempt to say it again, but he choked on his words pathetically. Opening his eyes again, he met Kai’s steady gaze with his panicky own, silently begging him to not ask of him to have to repeat it, but there were no mercy in the drummer’s eyes. Coughing embarrassedly and averting his eyes once again, a small flush tinted his cheeks as he raised his voice, uttering once again the words, “I did. I broke up with Reita.”
He hadn’t known what to expect from Kai. Perhaps preaching about the togetherness of the band, the importance of keeping things on friendly terms, or perhaps he had thought the man to scold him for breaking up with torture, or to congratulate him for a job well done. But one thing was for sure. He had never expected Kai to answer by sitting back in his chair with a deep sigh, hiding his face in the palm of his hand. Ruki’s uncertain gaze came to rest with curiosity on the other presence, waiting in the growing silence for some kind of sign of what he was supposed to do. Kai almost looked defeated, eyes closed and with a small, almost worried frown line becoming apparent on his usually so cheerful face. And when he finally opened his mouth to speak again, his voice sounded tired but careful.
“I don’t know what made you do that, Ruki, and I’m sure you have your reasons.” The drummer took away the hand from his face and looked up, met Ruki’s wide eyes with his own searching yet determined gaze. “But what I don’t see is why you broke up with him when you both still love each other.”
A frustrated flush coloured Ruki’s cheeks faintly as he turned his head down to stare at his knees, but he didn’t say anything, didn’t mention the cruelty he could see in the bassist. Yet, the image of Reita, and the memories of his smile, of his eyes, his embrace, his touch, his kiss - they flooded his already confused mind. The little moments of love and perfection tainted his wish to hate the other man. He didn’t understand. It was all a mess that made him want to scream at the top of his lungs. He felt like he couldn’t make it. That it didn’t work.
That he was going to be crushed under the burden of a past.
“Do you really think that he still loves me?” he suddenly asked, voicing the hesitant question growing inside him. The words came out weakly, painted with layers of doubt and hurt feelings, but he couldn’t bring any strength to them, feeling too emotionally torn up by the confrontation the subject meant. Keeping his eyes turned down, he could feel Kai gazing at him, but dared not to look up, afraid to crack under the pressure of the moment.
“I can’t say for sure”, Kai began, choosing his words carefully. “But I’ve never seen him as miserable as last night.” He paused, but then continued again, surprisingly enough sounding hesitant, too. “Ruki, please treat him well. He’s been through more than you can imagine.”
At those words, Ruki raised his head and met the drummer's eyes. Eyes that, somehow, seemed almost pleading, as if he begged for him to do as he had advised, as if he was almost afraid of what would happen if he did not. Eyes that, when Ruki’s breathing started to accelerate in sudden panic, turned sympathetic, accompanied by an apologetic smile. As if he asked for forgiveness because he had placed this burdening information upon Ruki’s conscience.
“What do you mean?” he tried to ask, but at that exact moment, the door flew open, drowning his words before reaching Kai’s ears. Flinching, Ruki’s eyes widened in shock at the abrupt interruption. In came Uruha and Aoi with wide smiles lighting up their friendly faces, tailed quickly by a gently smiling Reita.
With absolutely no time to calm himself, Ruki simply did what he could - standing up immediately, breaking up in a wide grin as he quickly bowed and greeted the new arrivals. As if nothing in the world was wrong.
The perfect façade.
~
It was ironic how everything suddenly worked. How he could smile, laugh and be social as if nothing was wrong. The group talked just like they always did at that kind of meetings, yet Ruki was very aware that Kai, Uruha and Aoi all sent rather obviously concerned glances towards him and Reita.
Reita.
He didn’t really know what was going through the mind of the bassist. Sometimes he couldn’t help but to look at the beautiful man sitting to his left and wish he could give some kind of a hint about what kind of thoughts he harboured. And yet, at the same time it was as if he honestly didn’t want to know. He wanted to be close but at the same time as far away from him as possible. Two wishes that simply couldn’t both be granted. He sighed.
The round table enabled him to sit at Reita’s right, but at the same time not sit side to side, giving him enough space to not panic, and the possibility to steal glances without being too obvious.
Reita was absolutely beautiful. Just like he had always been. Ruki had always thought he was special, in a way that back when he had realised his feelings for him he had not been surprised, because, in a way, he had always loved him. Always had and, perhaps, always would? He found himself nibbling carefully at the chocolate of a KitKat while watching his dear friend, former lover, a man he needed so desperately to understand. Always? He could not always love him, not when that love was not returned. That was like being caught in a sick past. It was a disease, that love, and he would treat it accordingly.
But could he?
He watched Reita lift his cigarette to his mouth, and fought back an embarrassing flush as lips he used to be able to kiss closed around the necessity. What if his love was like cancer eating up every healthy way to live? Reita didn’t look at anyone, had rarely raised his gaze from the tabletop during the meeting, and now his eyes fluttered close, dark eyelashes resting lightly against skin that seemed almost sickly pale as he breathed out the smoke, letting it dance up towards the ceiling. Ruki forgot to breathe. What if his love was like the part of the puzzle that would always wait for its right place? What if he would always wait for Reita?
The stunning man slowly opened his eyes, and Ruki could not quite decide if he looked tired or just lazy. He felt his heart flutter nervously as he quickly turned his own gaze down, feeling as if he had gathered illegal fruit when he had allowed himself to observe him so closely. Breathing out a breath he had forgotten that he was holding, he realised that hadn’t he always been waiting for Reita already?
The chocolate was melting between his fingers, but he didn’t care as he pretended to give the KitKat all his attention, going through unnecessary effort just to eat it. It was easier than to just sit there, looking at everyone. Easier to just push away his thoughts and make even himself believe that the chocolate-covered wafers were more important than anything else. A foot touched his under the table. He licked chocolate off of his lips before continuing to gently bite into the chocolate. The foot touching his did not leave. Giving it a moment, the wafer gave in and he contently let the chocolate melt against his tongue to savour it. Foot still gently touching his with shy warmth. He chewed the bit of crisp wafer. No taking back. Ruki paused.
Letting his eyes wander around the other four members, he watched closely for some kind of indication of who it was. Aoi was animatedly discussing something with Kai, aided by comments slipped in by Uruha. And Reita, well, he didn’t even blink in his direction, only kept on quietly smoking the remains of his cigarette. If now Ruki would have been a naïve girl, he would have suspected Reita, judging from the indifferent attitude, but he was no girl, he was a fully grown up man and he… Really hoped it was Reita‘s foot touching his under the table. Hoped up to the point of want, and want to the point of need, and need to the point of desperation.
He felt a really strong urge to bend down and just look, but something told him not to. If it was Reita’s foot, then he would draw away the moment Ruki would look. If it was Reita’s foot, then Ruki wanted to know if it was a conscious move. And if it was, he wanted it to mean something.
He wanted a lot of things.
Oh yes, he wanted much, but did not act according to those wants. He knew not to, was not foolish, could easily tell that want was not equal common sense. So he simply sat there, observing the other members of the group curiously as he continued to the pleasurable task of eating KitKat. The time moved slowly, the meeting kept going, with the guitarists and the drummer still being the talkative part, and Ruki completely lost track of what they were talking about. That foot was still touching his. It was like that fact had lodged into his mind and would not let him focus on anything else.
A sideways glance at Reita told him that the taller blonde had given up on smoking his cigarette, and was now slouched back in his chair with his arms folded carefully over his chest, gaze like wedged on the edge of the dark, wooden table. The girl inside Ruki beamed. The man inside Ruki told him to get a grip.
This was Reita, after all. Cold, unloving, indifferent, bastard Reita that could make him breathless just by looking at him. This was why his gaze moved to Uruha. To him, he seemed to be the most logical owner of that touch. But he didn’t want it to be Uruha, he wanted it to be Reita. Uruha simply was not good enough.
Nothing was good enough. Nothing, nothing, nothing - except Reita. Except him, just him.
If he wouldn’t have had his dignity to hold onto, he would have groaned and let himself collapse into a shaking pile of idiocy. He would have wailed and cried, if only he would have been alone, because Reita’s presence was starting to tear at the seams of his sanity. If Reita still loved him, then why would he treat him like this. It was as if he wasn’t even there. No, Ruki wanted it to be Reita’s touch, because if anything, that could give him hope to hold onto. That was why he kept still, even though his body was starting to crave for him to move into a new position. That was why he found it impossible to focus on anything else than the touch of another foot lingering against his under the table.
To his left, Reita shifted slightly in the chair. And Ruki’s gaze quickly darted to the stunning man, his heart skipping a beat when the foot touching his stirred ever so slightly at the same time. It was as if his mind stopped working and all he could think was, oh my God.
And then he just didn’t care anymore and ducked under the table to confirm his suspicions.
He almost missed it, but just barely managed to be quick enough to catch a glimpse of how Reita’s foot quickly was drawn back, as if stung by something lethal. Eyes widening in realisation, Ruki opened his mouth as if to say something, but ended up just staring in disbelief at the other man‘s foot. And he didn’t know whether to cry or laugh.
Everything was silent. Taking in the fact that the rest of the group had fallen uncomfortably quiet, he quickly emerged from under the table, heart racing wildly in his chest as he stared at the bassist who, clearly, seemed to be at unease, avoiding to acknowledge the turn of events carefully.
“Ruki…?” Uruha questioned in a puzzled voice.
And Ruki started to laugh. A strange sort of relief filled him as he started to laugh, laugh, laugh until he almost cried, because it had been Reita, it had been. He others seemed bewildered at this sudden change, but he couldn’t be bothered to care as he gasped between the laughter, just wanting to collapse and die in confusion immediately. It really had been Reita.
And the shy man to his left glanced at him, seemingly embarrassed, but upon meeting Ruki’s gaze, he quickly looked down at his own hands resting in his lap, and Ruki smiled because he was so adorable. He was so fucking adorable yet he was such an idiot of a man. Leaning forward, his elbows resting against the tabletop, Ruki let his laughter slowly die, replaced by a gentle smile, a smile that was warm and loving, yet held an underlying sadness. He watched the flustered man, waiting patiently. And sure enough, soon Reita glanced up again, only to look away hurriedly, a small blush tinting the sickly pale skin. But then he glanced up again.
And he smiled.
It was a shy smile, much like the ones they used to share in the beginning of their shaky relationship. Much like the ones Ruki used to adore about the man, before everything slowly started to change, and that fact made Ruki’s heart quiver. Yet he could see the vulnerable sadness in the gesture that would normally indicate happiness, he could see that somehow Reita was hurt. But it wasn’t because of this moment, it couldn’t be that shallow.
So why was Reita suddenly looking so weak?
As if the quiet man had heard his thoughts, he averted his eyes, in some way almost looking ashamed for doing so, and when his smile faded away, so did the moment. Ruki swallowed the cry of frustration that threatened to escape as he watched the change, because it felt like it had been an important moment, and now it had slipped away into the past, leaving him only with torturing memories.
“What was that all about? Is everything alright?” Aoi asked uncertainly, glancing towards Uruha and Kai for some support. Ruki only blinked, eyes darting quickly towards the others, suddenly realising that they were not alone - something that he had chosen to neglect for a moment.
“Nothing”, came the mumbled reply from a tired-looking Reita before Ruki had the time to think clear enough to answer himself. “Everything’s okay. Don’t bother.”
Looking down, Ruki took a deep breath, mentally scolding himself for being so stupid. The three oblivious members of the group gave them one last concerned look before nodding and returning to their discussion, albeit this time their voices were less animated. He felt guilty, but said nothing as he picked up the forgotten KitKat from the tabletop. The chocolate immediately started to melt between his warm fingers, and he frowned, sinking his teeth gently into his prey as he started thinking. How could it be that Reita so simply changed into indifference? Was that smile just his game or was it genuine - did that indifference hide something? The frown deepened as Ruki put the last bit of the melting chocolate in his mouth. Was Kai right? He put his right-hand index finger in his mouth to suck off the sweetness. Reita did look exhausted, he mused, so exhausted in fact that weren’t it because his touch was now forbidden he would have worriedly held him and told him that they should go home. They, go home. Ruki heaved a sigh as he continued to lazily let his tongue dart out at various chocolate-covered spots on his fingers. It was something they would never do again, wasn’t it. Go home together. One glance at the man of his thoughts told him that, oh, he was looking back at him intently.
Ruki paused awkwardly with one of his fingers still lingering in the warmth his mouth. Upon realising he was caught staring, Reita quickly averted his gaze to the table once again, flushing and shifting uncomfortably in his chair while doing so.
Did Reita want chocolate? Ruki stared at the flushing man in curiosity. That was after all what - oh. Ruki’s mind went blank. Could it really? Was it? Did he?
Feeling a blush warming up his face, Ruki pulled his finger out of his mouth and stared down at his hands. The childish hope that he had tried to hold back was now clawing its way into his heart with ferocity, and after a moment of consideration, he did the only thing he could think of to once again try to claim the other man’s attention. He sucked his fingers.
Lavishing his fingers with attention, he carefully avoided to grant Reita any more glances in fear to scare him from looking, because that was what he wanted. He made sure to pretend that he was simply set on being clean, letting on a small frown to appear frustrated. His tongue darted out and circled around his fingers, absorbing himself in his little show.
It was dirty play. He knew that. It was wrong to do what he was doing, and he knew it could damage the situation even more if Reita realised he was doing it purely for the purpose of getting his attention. But he didn’t care, didn’t want to think as he once again let his warm mouth close around another finger, letting it slide against his slick tongue. It was irrational, stupid and wrong. It was an act he needed to stop immediately, it was - oh God, he just wanted Reita to look at him again, just wanted to feel his eyes watch his every move, just wanted to make him feel what he felt.
After a good long moment of careful cleaning, he finally allowed himself a quick glance towards the other blonde. And their eyes met immediately. And Ruki stopped breathing. He watched in amaze as Reita looked away, only to blink confusedly and look back again, the oh-so-familiar blush colouring his cheeks, betraying his embarrassment for being caught staring once again but not being able to look away.
“Do you - do you want a KitKat?” Ruki stuttered, and found himself fighting with a blush himself, too, when he heard the awkwardness of his offer.
Reita didn’t say anything for what felt like an eternity, his gaze darting back and forth between the tabletop and Ruki‘s eyes, making Ruki almost start to panic in nervousness. But Reita seemed just as unsure about the strange situation as he did, which somewhat calmed him to know. And then Reita opened his mouth, pausing slightly, before finally breathing out a quiet, “Sure.”
Ruki was almost sure that his relief was evident to the other man, but he didn’t care as he picked up the remaining KitKat from the table. His heart was racing wildly in his chest, almost impossibly fast, and he felt close to fainting in euphoria, confusion, nervousness, embarrassment and undeniable love as he held out the chocolate for the other man to take. And take it he did, and their fingertips met, as if it was the first innocent touch between two men that had become like strangers to each other. It lasted a second longer than they both knew was allowed, but when they snatched their hands away, it was as if the touch had been laced with venom.
Ruki found it incredibly difficult to breathe as he heard the mumbled thanks and saw how Reita, seemingly unaware of his actions, raised his hand to his mouth. The beautiful man’s tongue darted out innocently to lick away the faint trace of chocolate that had smeared off from Ruki’s fingers as they touched.
It was the simple innocence of it all that made something snap inside him, making him look away from the perfect sight, slowly taking a shaking breath as he made quick work of cleaning off the remaining chocolate on his fingers. He couldn’t help loving him, no matter what the other man did, he would forgive him for everything if only he could be in his arms again. He would. That was why he made a quiet vow to himself.
He vowed that he would patiently wait for the day when Reita was ready to forgive and take him back.
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