It's about that time.
Wow, things have gotten really odd around here to say the least. Kelly and I aren't talking right now, and it's for the better. Both of us are finding ourselves in eerily similar situations, and we both need some time to collect ourselves and think. All I know is that everything happens for a reason, and as I've found out, maybe what you think you want isn't what's best for you. Hopefully we will be talking sooner than later, because I really do miss my friend.
Some other news to report. Jennifer and I met for dinner Sunday night and filled out the paper work for me to start paying child support. I threw it in the mailbox tonight, and that process is well on its way. The bureau of whatever will send me more paperwork shortly telling me that they accept my case, and after I fill that out Jennifer and I will have to meet for a hearing. No custody being asked for by me, because I have enough on my plate trying to figure myself out. I feel really good about it, it just should have been done sooner, but as you'll soon read, I am learning to deal with regrets the healthy way.
As I stated in my last post, I was about to see a therapist. Well, I have seen her twice now. Her name is Corinne and she has a thick French accent. Although difficult to understand, she really gets it, and just by listening to me she has been able to help me so much. I've been going through a cognitive distortion therapy. The way I have been thinking was completly self- destructive, and every time I see her it gets clearer and clearer. Not to bore anyone, but I'm gonna write down the things I have to practice, just so I can keep track of myself and watch improvement.
1) Jumping to conclusions. I suffer from both types of this disorder. The first being 'mind reading,' where I conclude someone is reacting negatively to me, and I don't bother to check it out. The other is 'the fortune teller error.' I anticipate that bad things will happen, and I feel that my prediction is an already-established fact.
2) Catastrophizing. I exaggerate the importance of some mistakes that I make, and take it too hard.
3) Should Statements. I try to motivate myself with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if I'm punishing myself before I could have been expected to do anything. The emotional consequence is guilt. When I direct should statements towards others I feel anger, frustration, and resentment.
4) Labeling and Mislabeling. This one struck me the hardest when I read about it. This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing my error, I attach a negative label to myself. "I'm a loser." When someone elses behavior rubs me the wrong way, I attach a negative label to him or her. "What a tool." Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded. This one I'm actually ashamed to admit to, but I'm sure all of you have seen it in me. Well, its never too late to fix this.
Yea, so there you go. Those are my destructive thoughts. Corinne has given me a book to read and some exercises, and I can already start to feel the effect. It takes practice, but I know I am going to come out of this a better person. For the first time since I can remember, I actually feel like I control my future instead of it being wildly out of control. It's just a damn shame I needed the shove Kelly gave me to finally take this leap of faith, but I found out that I landed and I am ok. The panic attacks are still prevalent, but I have exercises to help subdue those as well. The medicine takes a couple weeks to kick in, and I'm sure when it does, I will feel a lot better.
Been busting my ass trying to catch up on work that I missed during my own little 'hell week.' It feels really good. I'm doing well in all my classes, and my teachers have all been really supportive. I feel like I'm moving forward and making myself a better person, even though I take a step backwards every now and then. This is new to me, and it's scary and exciting all at once. I'm no longer procrastinating, I'm doing things when they need to be done. Sweet fuckin deal.
I got another monkey quiz tomorrow and a Child Psychology test Wednesday, so I'm gonna go study a bit before I go to bed. If I had to summarize what I am feeling as a whole right now, it would be "The Scientist" by Coldplay. If you don't get it, read the lyrics. Goodnight.
Some other news to report. Jennifer and I met for dinner Sunday night and filled out the paper work for me to start paying child support. I threw it in the mailbox tonight, and that process is well on its way. The bureau of whatever will send me more paperwork shortly telling me that they accept my case, and after I fill that out Jennifer and I will have to meet for a hearing. No custody being asked for by me, because I have enough on my plate trying to figure myself out. I feel really good about it, it just should have been done sooner, but as you'll soon read, I am learning to deal with regrets the healthy way.
As I stated in my last post, I was about to see a therapist. Well, I have seen her twice now. Her name is Corinne and she has a thick French accent. Although difficult to understand, she really gets it, and just by listening to me she has been able to help me so much. I've been going through a cognitive distortion therapy. The way I have been thinking was completly self- destructive, and every time I see her it gets clearer and clearer. Not to bore anyone, but I'm gonna write down the things I have to practice, just so I can keep track of myself and watch improvement.
1) Jumping to conclusions. I suffer from both types of this disorder. The first being 'mind reading,' where I conclude someone is reacting negatively to me, and I don't bother to check it out. The other is 'the fortune teller error.' I anticipate that bad things will happen, and I feel that my prediction is an already-established fact.
2) Catastrophizing. I exaggerate the importance of some mistakes that I make, and take it too hard.
3) Should Statements. I try to motivate myself with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if I'm punishing myself before I could have been expected to do anything. The emotional consequence is guilt. When I direct should statements towards others I feel anger, frustration, and resentment.
4) Labeling and Mislabeling. This one struck me the hardest when I read about it. This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing my error, I attach a negative label to myself. "I'm a loser." When someone elses behavior rubs me the wrong way, I attach a negative label to him or her. "What a tool." Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded. This one I'm actually ashamed to admit to, but I'm sure all of you have seen it in me. Well, its never too late to fix this.
Yea, so there you go. Those are my destructive thoughts. Corinne has given me a book to read and some exercises, and I can already start to feel the effect. It takes practice, but I know I am going to come out of this a better person. For the first time since I can remember, I actually feel like I control my future instead of it being wildly out of control. It's just a damn shame I needed the shove Kelly gave me to finally take this leap of faith, but I found out that I landed and I am ok. The panic attacks are still prevalent, but I have exercises to help subdue those as well. The medicine takes a couple weeks to kick in, and I'm sure when it does, I will feel a lot better.
Been busting my ass trying to catch up on work that I missed during my own little 'hell week.' It feels really good. I'm doing well in all my classes, and my teachers have all been really supportive. I feel like I'm moving forward and making myself a better person, even though I take a step backwards every now and then. This is new to me, and it's scary and exciting all at once. I'm no longer procrastinating, I'm doing things when they need to be done. Sweet fuckin deal.
I got another monkey quiz tomorrow and a Child Psychology test Wednesday, so I'm gonna go study a bit before I go to bed. If I had to summarize what I am feeling as a whole right now, it would be "The Scientist" by Coldplay. If you don't get it, read the lyrics. Goodnight.