(no subject)
i haven't used this journal in many many months, but this is not a post about why that is. the fact is, i'm here now. and i'm not going to say i don't know why, even though it is past midnight, i just got home from a speech tournament in NYC, and i need to shower and sleep. but i do know why i am here.
i love my speech team. i love my theater. i love my tech. i tried really hard to do it all because i couldn't possibly give any of it up. it didn't work. i want to do more tech but speech naturally has to come first because i'm a captain and i have a responsibility to forty other people to be a good captain. and it's really difficult. it's really hard to have a good team bond, or an energetic and effective warm-up with forty people. i'm proud that our team has grown so much but it's a really difficult group to lead and i always have this feeling that i'm not doing it well enough, that i'm letting someone down, or that i'm not qualified to be a captain because i'm not that good at speech. i just got back from my last national tournament ever. as always, i did not break out of prelims. i blew my last chance.
meanwhile, speech has left me with less time to do tech.
it's a status thing, a stupid thing really. you earn this title. techie. you earn it by doing tech and doing it well and doing it consistantly. and you uphold it. i had that, and now i'm losing it. or maybe i've already lost it. it's slipping away because i don't do enough, because i don't know enough and don't have the time or the artistic skill to learn it (and i tried- it's called a year of tech theater. i understand chemistry better than i understand the stuff we learned in that class). maybe it's because everyone else is planning their career in tech theater while i'm going off to nursing school. but dammit that doesn't mean theater isn't the best thing that ever happened to me. without theater, i wouldn't have found out that i wanted to be a nurse. by now i should be doing set designs or lighting designs or something but i can't, i can't do those things, i tried to learn and i don't have the skills, i just don't have the strong spacial reasoning you need to do those things. i see these kids who i still think of as the new kids, surpassing me, becoming designers and doing things that i could never do and it's really... not a nice feeling.
I guess the whole point of this entry is, i despise not being useful. absolutely cannot stand it.
i hate how your jaw tightens up when you get upset. or at least, mine does.
i love my speech team. i love my theater. i love my tech. i tried really hard to do it all because i couldn't possibly give any of it up. it didn't work. i want to do more tech but speech naturally has to come first because i'm a captain and i have a responsibility to forty other people to be a good captain. and it's really difficult. it's really hard to have a good team bond, or an energetic and effective warm-up with forty people. i'm proud that our team has grown so much but it's a really difficult group to lead and i always have this feeling that i'm not doing it well enough, that i'm letting someone down, or that i'm not qualified to be a captain because i'm not that good at speech. i just got back from my last national tournament ever. as always, i did not break out of prelims. i blew my last chance.
meanwhile, speech has left me with less time to do tech.
it's a status thing, a stupid thing really. you earn this title. techie. you earn it by doing tech and doing it well and doing it consistantly. and you uphold it. i had that, and now i'm losing it. or maybe i've already lost it. it's slipping away because i don't do enough, because i don't know enough and don't have the time or the artistic skill to learn it (and i tried- it's called a year of tech theater. i understand chemistry better than i understand the stuff we learned in that class). maybe it's because everyone else is planning their career in tech theater while i'm going off to nursing school. but dammit that doesn't mean theater isn't the best thing that ever happened to me. without theater, i wouldn't have found out that i wanted to be a nurse. by now i should be doing set designs or lighting designs or something but i can't, i can't do those things, i tried to learn and i don't have the skills, i just don't have the strong spacial reasoning you need to do those things. i see these kids who i still think of as the new kids, surpassing me, becoming designers and doing things that i could never do and it's really... not a nice feeling.
I guess the whole point of this entry is, i despise not being useful. absolutely cannot stand it.
i hate how your jaw tightens up when you get upset. or at least, mine does.