rsvp - regrets only
regrets - that's mostly what i see when i look at John Shearer's wall on facebook. regret.
why? why so much regret? he's gone. and while that is extremely unfortunate - where is there room for regret at a time like this? there are so many other emotions his friends are feeling right now - regret is not welcome.
so, why, then, do i see so much regret on the wall? - - and this being only from the people who have taken the time to sign it.
death plays amazing tricks on peoples' minds - especially when it is unexpected.
guilt.
hatred.
loss.
love.
forgiveness.
sadness.
apathy.
shock.
we could all name more - without touching regret. what makes regret, in my mind, so regretful is the fact that experiencing that particular emotion is completely in our hands. "i didnt tell him _____ before he died." "i never got the chance to tell you ________."
why?
take the time. regret eats at us so viciously because we know there WAS something we could have done to correct it. however, being naive human beings - we foolishly believe there's always tomorrow.
then we have to be frank. guilt provokes 90% of what is said upon the death of an individual. if he was such an amazing piano player - why didnt more people tell him? or is it that, now that he's gone, you realize that "amazing" is a relative term and what he did was, in it's own way, worthy of that distinction? ok, so maybe he wasn't pumping out a beethoven sonata twice a semester. maybe he wasn't featured in a carnegie hall extravaganza. these things are amazing - by musical terms, but what he did, apparently, with his life was amazing.
so why didnt you tell him?
because you didnt know. it's the same with people who didnt know him very well. or who didnt hang out with him. or who made fun of him. or who didnt like him. they feel guilty.
why? you know the saying "you can't please everyone"? that means that not everyone likes everyone... and those everyones that people dont like - die just like the other everyones that people dont like. it's life. move on.
if you didnt like a person - i think you do more harm by pretending to have liked them all along when they die. true - their death forces us to dwell on how silly we were to dislike the person, seeing that they have passed on - but it's life. learn from that - and maybe find a way to be more condoning of a similar person in the future. clearly - very few people have the will to wish death upon someone and be happy when it comes to fruition, but keep true to yourself and how things were.
if i die - and you do not like me... don't come to my funeral.
if you do - don't cry.
if you do - don't say something nice.
why is it so bad to say "man, i did NOT like that guy - but i'm sorry he's gone."?
or "[laughing] dude - we used to make fun of him SO bad!"?
the memories are still there. the fact that someone is deceased now, does not change that you once laughed at their expense. we've all done it. humans just try so hard to be something they're not when someone passes away because it's "appropriate." well said. and very true. it IS appropriate to respect those who have passed on and allow people to remember them fondly, but it doesn't change the past. it doesn't change life. that would be like me and roy and linda, etc feeling guilty for cutting him from tiger band. it's life. we did our jobs at the time. we have no reason to feel guilt. or regret. but we are all, im sure, sorry he is gone.
and that brings me to my final thought... about those who sign walls, cards, write letters, pray, talk, etc. i see and believe several motives for this style of grief.
a) draining the emotions and getting the pain out in a visible/audible form
b) letting others know what that person meant to you [which often turns into a battle as to whom they meant more to]
c) incomprehension of the afterlife... which leads to ...
d) lack of faith
i find it extremely ironic, the number of scripture quotes and references to God on his wall concerning his death. if they have faith in an afterlife - then John already knows all of these things. if they believe in an afterlife - you will see him again. tell him then. or is it that you believe in an afterlife and are not sure whether or not you will be "together" in said afterlife? and if you believe, truly, that he is in Heaven with God - then pray. lock yourself in a bedroom, a church a bathroom and pray. im sure it's a much more direct approach. i haven't seen "Heaven U" on the facebook roster yet, so i dont know if he'll be checking, but i do believe he knows what's in your heart.
if you have faith... HAVE faith. sometimes that can be the most liberating thing - to say nothing. just have faith. if you believe in all you say you do - he knows you miss him. if you believe in all you say you do - you know he's in a better place. pack up your memories. put them in a special place. shed a tear or two for your loss - and move on. if you believe in all you say you do - you will see him again. this will not be "good-bye", but "see ya later!"
*how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out?
how bout not equating death with stopping?*
thank u
~silence~
why? why so much regret? he's gone. and while that is extremely unfortunate - where is there room for regret at a time like this? there are so many other emotions his friends are feeling right now - regret is not welcome.
so, why, then, do i see so much regret on the wall? - - and this being only from the people who have taken the time to sign it.
death plays amazing tricks on peoples' minds - especially when it is unexpected.
guilt.
hatred.
loss.
love.
forgiveness.
sadness.
apathy.
shock.
we could all name more - without touching regret. what makes regret, in my mind, so regretful is the fact that experiencing that particular emotion is completely in our hands. "i didnt tell him _____ before he died." "i never got the chance to tell you ________."
why?
take the time. regret eats at us so viciously because we know there WAS something we could have done to correct it. however, being naive human beings - we foolishly believe there's always tomorrow.
then we have to be frank. guilt provokes 90% of what is said upon the death of an individual. if he was such an amazing piano player - why didnt more people tell him? or is it that, now that he's gone, you realize that "amazing" is a relative term and what he did was, in it's own way, worthy of that distinction? ok, so maybe he wasn't pumping out a beethoven sonata twice a semester. maybe he wasn't featured in a carnegie hall extravaganza. these things are amazing - by musical terms, but what he did, apparently, with his life was amazing.
so why didnt you tell him?
because you didnt know. it's the same with people who didnt know him very well. or who didnt hang out with him. or who made fun of him. or who didnt like him. they feel guilty.
why? you know the saying "you can't please everyone"? that means that not everyone likes everyone... and those everyones that people dont like - die just like the other everyones that people dont like. it's life. move on.
if you didnt like a person - i think you do more harm by pretending to have liked them all along when they die. true - their death forces us to dwell on how silly we were to dislike the person, seeing that they have passed on - but it's life. learn from that - and maybe find a way to be more condoning of a similar person in the future. clearly - very few people have the will to wish death upon someone and be happy when it comes to fruition, but keep true to yourself and how things were.
if i die - and you do not like me... don't come to my funeral.
if you do - don't cry.
if you do - don't say something nice.
why is it so bad to say "man, i did NOT like that guy - but i'm sorry he's gone."?
or "[laughing] dude - we used to make fun of him SO bad!"?
the memories are still there. the fact that someone is deceased now, does not change that you once laughed at their expense. we've all done it. humans just try so hard to be something they're not when someone passes away because it's "appropriate." well said. and very true. it IS appropriate to respect those who have passed on and allow people to remember them fondly, but it doesn't change the past. it doesn't change life. that would be like me and roy and linda, etc feeling guilty for cutting him from tiger band. it's life. we did our jobs at the time. we have no reason to feel guilt. or regret. but we are all, im sure, sorry he is gone.
and that brings me to my final thought... about those who sign walls, cards, write letters, pray, talk, etc. i see and believe several motives for this style of grief.
a) draining the emotions and getting the pain out in a visible/audible form
b) letting others know what that person meant to you [which often turns into a battle as to whom they meant more to]
c) incomprehension of the afterlife... which leads to ...
d) lack of faith
i find it extremely ironic, the number of scripture quotes and references to God on his wall concerning his death. if they have faith in an afterlife - then John already knows all of these things. if they believe in an afterlife - you will see him again. tell him then. or is it that you believe in an afterlife and are not sure whether or not you will be "together" in said afterlife? and if you believe, truly, that he is in Heaven with God - then pray. lock yourself in a bedroom, a church a bathroom and pray. im sure it's a much more direct approach. i haven't seen "Heaven U" on the facebook roster yet, so i dont know if he'll be checking, but i do believe he knows what's in your heart.
if you have faith... HAVE faith. sometimes that can be the most liberating thing - to say nothing. just have faith. if you believe in all you say you do - he knows you miss him. if you believe in all you say you do - you know he's in a better place. pack up your memories. put them in a special place. shed a tear or two for your loss - and move on. if you believe in all you say you do - you will see him again. this will not be "good-bye", but "see ya later!"
*how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out?
how bout not equating death with stopping?*
thank u
~silence~