This is ONE LONG ENTRY...I Wrote It Over a Long Duration of Time :0)
Oops...it's been a few days since my last posting. I'm sorry...I just haven't had any inspiration to write! I've been so tired and intensely emotionally drained...
P.S. I'm watching Jerry Maguire right now. LOVE THIS MOVIE. They edit all the good stuff out (like when Jerry's like, "We can't go to the zoo Ray cause...the zoo's fuckin' closed" and then Ray gets this shocked look on his face and is like, "You said fuck..." It's funny seeing this little kid saying fuck in the most innocent of ways...LOVE IT), so FUCK THAT. Laura still has my special edition of this movie...I will never get it back.
I also opened up a can of mandarin oranges in light syrup and HOLY SHIT IT FUCKING EXPLODES AND THE LIGHT SYRUP GOES ALL OVER MY FUCKING COMPUTER. WTF?!?! NO NO NO. Now everything is sticky and I'm also just kinda pissed too. I must clean it...BRB.
Back to the emotionally draining last few days. I find out on Wednesday that not only has a guy from my high school (one of the actual nice guys at LFHS) passed away in a huge car accident downtown. Apparently there were 4 casualties, him being one of them. FUCK THE SPACEBAR IS STICKING. When he got to the hospital the parents realized that he was brain dead and there was no way he was going to come back, so they decided to take him off life support to end his suffering. I don't know...maybe it makes it harder because John was an only child and was his parent's "miracle child". They tried so hard to have a child and finally got John, and now he is dead at the age of 22. Only 22. I don't think his girlfriend was with him during this, but they had been dating for a long long time. It's just frustrating. He is the second person to die from my class at LFHS. The first one was actually one of his friends, Mike. He was my childhood hero. During the year of the cicadas (which was like 14 some odd years ago?), Me, Mike, his sister Meghan, and Katie (my sister) were playing outside when suddenly this HUGE cicada flew into my hair and flipped the shit out of me. Mike took the hose and sprayed it out and saved me, hahaha. He even took the cicada out of my lemonade later on as well. It was adorable. Two guys from the same "group", passed away before our 5 year high school reunion. How does this happen? I don't know when his service is. I don't know if I should go. I don't know if I can go.
So that was one part. The second part was Mike from Iraq. Not good. Don't want to talk about it. Moving on. I want him home. We may have gotten in a nasty fight, but I still want him home. Now. Moving on. The third part was that Fernando's great grandmother died. I didn't know her, but I saw Fernando. We've been trying to be friends lately, mostly because neither of us can completely let go of the other...we just can't do it. I miss him sometimes, and other times I just can't stand being around him. However, he came over when I heard about my friend in Iraq and he was incredibly supportive. Then we talked about his great grandmother, and one night he came over and stayed the night. I know, bad me, but nothing happened at all. It was just the comfort factor. Waking up next to me (for him) is a great source of comfort, and I had this crazy need to comfort him because I could see it. God, I could see that pain on his face, I could see his chest sputter up and down when he took in a breath and let it out, I could hear the tears rumbling in his body, I could see this immense pain in his eyes...it was intense. It was draining. Seeing someone in that much pain, watching someone cry and knowing there really isnt that much you can do is just so fucking painful. I couldnt take seeing him in that pain, and it wasn't like he was doing this to get me back (which someone suggested and I almost shot them on the spot...Fernando is NOT like that), he just needed someone to hold him and tell him they were there for him.
I couldn't go to the wake last night because I was working, but I went to the funeral this morning. In some ways I regret it. I was so frightened to be there. It was an open caset. I was already nervous to see his family (he has yet to tell them that we are broken up), but I was nervous because I didn't think I would be able to be strong for Fernando. The second I walked into the funeral home I felt it. I felt all of that sadness, the mourning, the pain, the suffering, everything. I could feel how heavy it was in that room. The weight pulled every person's face down, made them all look old and tired. It was horrible watching all of the men try to be strong while the women were all falling apart. Hispanic men are very proud and strong, so to see them trying to hold back tears and trying to be strong for others was so hard because I just wanted to yell at them, "CRY DAMNIT, IT'S OK. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE STRONG," and then I realized that maybe I should take that advice and realize that nobody needs to be strong at a funeral. Why does someone have to be strong, so other people will stop crying and stop mourning? So people will feel bad for being human and crying and not being able to see through their tears as their loved one is lowered into the ground? I'm not saying that the person displaying strength is bad, but I don't think people should feel ashamed for being human at a funeral. I don't like to cry. I was brought up to think of it as weakness, but I have come to realize that it isn't weak to cry, it's just human, and to be human is fucking divine.
I have to go get a sleep study. Apparently my heart rate is too fast and the doctors are worried that I don't know, it might be potentially dangerous? I guess having a heart rate of eh, inbetween 100-130 isn't quite safe, especially when you're in pretty good health (exercising and everything). Call me crazy, but my heart rate has been high in the past because of meds...how much can a heart take? I'm not talking about metaphors here, I'm talking about how much physical strain can my heart take? It used to be pumping at about 130-160 bpm when I was sick. Now, for no reason it is up at 100 again, and everyone is worried about it. I can always feel it pumping, beating, thumping...in my neck, in my chest, in my fingers, in my head. Always pounding away...no rest for the weary. So yeah, I have to go get this sleep study, because if it is still this high when I sleep than I guess I have to go get my heart checked out by a cardiologist. GREAT. Let me tell you...it's like this all the time. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night because my heart was pounding so hard and so fucking fast that it woke me up. Fucking medications. I swear they are what is doing this to me. They are making me feel like I can't breathe cause my FUCKING HEART IF PUMPING AT 120 BPM. Well, I am 23 years old and my heart is already getting fucking tired. Go team go. Moving on.
P.P.S. I am watching the Bulls game now. From my most recent observations, the Bulls are improving, but if they don't stop getting sloppy and disorganized during the last five minutes of the game they are barely squeak by into the playoffs. BOO FOR THAT. They have improved greatly, but once again during the Milwaukee Brewers game, they lost it all in the last 3 minutes by missing shots, fouling, and just having a sloppy defense. It was frustrating. Sammy Sosa can suck monkey balls for all I care. He is still not a big loss to the people of Chicago (that arrogant, self-centered, cork bat-using, pompous jerk). GOODBYE SAMMY. I hope another one of your cork bats doesn't split so that you will be suspended for longer OR that they don't find those steroids you use in your bloodstream that make you such an ASS. Muahahaha. I love the Illini (basketball). They're dependable.
So yes, that was my week. There were some positive things that came from it, and some intensely negative things that happened as well. It figures as much though...there always has to be a balance and equilibrium in each life of good and bad. Otherwise, what would be the situation then? God I am so tired. It's only 10:30pm and I am exhausted. Yeah, it's been that emotionally draining of a day. I'm worried about Fernando, the funeral, I'm worried about Dave (his day was really really bad and for once he really started openining up to me which is something he doesn't do too often unless he is having a really hard day or dealing with someone really difficult), and I'm just so frustrated that I can't stop crying because of what I saw today. So tired...need to just decompress...
I came to the sudden realization mid-week that I could not be in a serious relationship. Just being around Fernando again, realizing what kind of time, effort, and emotional availability it required, made me realize that I just can't do it right now. I have a lot of shit going on, a lot of shit to worry about, and I honestly don't have the time to drive 45 min. to hold my boyfriend while he is going through emotional hell. I'd want to, oh heck yes I would want to (and normally would), but I just don't have the time with school and the other things I am dealing with right now. All of it is taking up so much time and energy, and I can't keep on spreading myself thin like this; I just can't do it anymore. Thankfully, Dave is in the same situation now as well.
We had the BIG TALK one night this week (I forget when...I forget a lot of what happened this week) and we both said how we don't think we can get into a serious relationship right now because we have a lot of things going on in our lives right now that we need to figure out before we could invest in a serious relationship. He has financial, family, and previous relationships to deal with, while I have school, a job, family, previous relationships, and my health to deal with right now. We are moving towards a serious relationship, but just not in the next month or so, you know? I asked him to tell me if he was still looking for someone else to date or if he started seeing someone else, and he said that he was not seeing anyone else (and that he wasn't like that) and that he wasn't planning on looking for anyone else right now either. Apparently, this relationship business is on his mind a lot (he said that it is on his mind almost too much sometimes...hahaha...a male version of me when it comes to thinking about relationships too much), so at least he is thinking about it. So in other words, he is yes, fixed. He has been so stressed out lately, it worries me sometimes. I wonder if he is worrying himself sick, because he wasn't feeling good early this week and I think it was because he was too stressed (not the flu). Last weekend was kinda strange, and then this weekend is interesting. He just can't take anymore drama in his life (and yet he still wants me to come around...this suggests that I don't add drama, but that I make it go away like he says), and I think the stuff that happened tonight might've pushed him over that edge again and now he is being all hermit-like again. Such is Dave. I'm used to it now though, it's all good.
It makes me laugh to see how well we understand each other. Maybe that's why this relationship is working about 500 times better since we have had the talk. It worked alright before, but it's better now that we have talked and came to better understandings. It's great how I know that if there is a basketball game or football game on television or Ultimate Fighting -none of that WWE stuff - (either the Bulls, Illini 29-0, Bears, or the Sox - but he'll watch a Cubs game), we won't talk until about 9:30 when he gets back from watching it at a friend's house. Then we will talk from about 10-11:30 at which he will play a little online Halo with the boys or pass out cause he had a long day (normally the latter). I love it how I know when he wants me to come over but won't say it directly (cause he wants to make sure I want to come over) so he says "I'm just going to chill/relax" or "I'll be here", but that here and there he reminds me how much he likes seeing me by saying "I would like to see you." I love it how I know that if he doesn't text me back during a work day it's because he was busy (and I understand...why would I get mad?), but that he still apologizes later on OR texts me back if it is really really important. I love it how we finish each other's sentences, have the same ideas at the same time, and answer each other's questions before they are even asked. I love it how I know that if he stops typing at some point or doesn't call me one night when he was going to, it wasn't because he forgot or doesn't care, but it's because he passed out cause he was so tired. I love it how he tries to get back in time to talk to me at night (and keeps me updated on his night even though I don't ever ask), but if it doesn't happen I know that it's because he fell asleep (and I am always right). I mostly love it how he knows exactly how to make me laugh and put me in a good mood when he knows I'm not happy (he knows this just by looking at me), and he knows exactly what kind of movie I want to see without asking (and is always right). I love it how during scary movies he wraps his arms around me, kisses my forehead, nestles his head against mine and says, "It's ok, I'm here," and I know that nothing scary after that point will be as scary because he is tehre holding me (and telling me when the scary parts are coming...but it doesn't matter cause I still scream anyway). I just love it how I know what is going on, how he is feeling, what he is doing, without him having to say a single word, and I love how he can do the same with me. He even knows how many blankets I have covering me, what I am probably wearing, where I am in my room (at the desk or on my bed), and what TV show I'm watching at almost any given time, just cause he knows me that well. It's scary, but he is almost always right. I love it, and I love how we have time to get to know each other better now.