(no subject)
I am getting closer and closer to hitting the wall. It's going to happen soon. My body is going to tense up, I won't be able to move my hands, my heart will be pounding, I will start crying and I will crumble to the ground and just start to shiver. I can feel it. I am COMPLETELY on edge. I'm not going to hurt myself or freak out or anything...I'm just going to have to shut down soon. I am on overload. I am trying to deal with my fucking subconcious right now, and that is work enough. I want to stop going to school. PRETTY BIG DEAL, EH?!?! Yeah, but it's not because I am not doing well. It's because I am sick and tired of getting sick and then having to battle my way through catching up with the class with all the work and once again becoming the victorious little engine that could. Every single fucking year I get sick and then have to stress the shit out of mylsef and become such an awful person in order to get back on track and have all of my work turned in and everything for classes. I stress, I cry, I scream...I do it all. I am sick of it. I have had to leave from school four fucking times, and I am so tired of even when I am in school I have to push myself (when I am not supposed to by the way) to the ends of the freaking earth to get everything turned in and completely understood without any kind of explanation from anyone else. EVERY SINGLE FREAKING YEAR. I am so overwhelmed with work right now, and the last thing I needed was for one of my very close friends to turn out to be a lying, back stabbing, disgusting son of a bitch. But no, he did it, and boy did he do it in style.
I don't want to have to do this again. I don't want to have to deal with people telling me, "You're tough, you can do it," anymore because really, I am sick of HAVING to do it. I am sick of HAVING to overcome obstacles with my freaking health. I am sick of being the YOU CAN DO IT inspirational story on television for those little kids watching television when they get home from school. I am sick of having to be threatened to have to stop school for a freaking semester. I am sick of my health always holding me back amidst me trying to get through it. I can't get through it. I have tried, trust me, but for some reason it freaking holds on and won't let me go forward. I will be affected by this for the rest of my life, and for once I am beginning to see that there is shit for me to do about it.
One year it's migraines that make it so I slur my speech and can't move the left side of my body, the next year it is gastropresis which makes it so I throw up in the bathroom all the time because my stomach refuses to digest food. Then the next year it's my fibromyalgia putting me back in a wheelchair or my asthma restricting my lungs so much that I have to stay inside my house at all times. Last year it was two surgeries and serious problems with my asthma. This year it is a cold that has not gone away for over two months that has been putting me in the freaking hospital on and off, on and off. I can't keep up with all the work because OH THERE IS SO MUCH OF IT DAMNIT!!!
I am sick of having to fight for EVERYTHING all the fucking time. I have to fight for my family, my friends, Dave, school, knowledge, EVERYTHING. NO MORE FIGHTING. I don't want to have to put my everything into every little freaking thing in my life in order to get a result. No more fucking fighting, please. I just want something I don't need to fight for in order to get. Sounds kinda stupid and immature and lame, doesn't it? I don't want to have to fight for respect in my family anymore. I don't want to have to fight for my friends and have to deal with my best friend being a son of a bitch and having to fight to keep my sanity with that entire situation, I don't want to have to fight for getting good grades in school right now amidst me being sick cause I am the freaking Little Engine that Could, and I don't want to have to fight for Dave anymore. I have to fight my urges to fall in love with him because he's not ready and I am not going to put myself out there only to POSSIBLY get hurt. I hate having to fight feelings and emotions with everyone, not just Dave. I just cannot keep doing to this to my body. It is physically exhausted from no sleep cause I'm studying or thinking about my friends or Fernando or maybe even Dave or someone...I just cannot do this.
I need someone to hold my hand. I need someone to hold me in their arms, and not ask any questions as I just lay there and cry and cry and scream and say what I want to about whatever I want. I want someone that will kiss my forehead when I am done, and then just hold me and brush their fingers through my hair. I just need someone to tell me that this is going to be ok because really, I cannot see it. For some reason, I cannot see how this is all going to pan out because I am having one of my dramatic flares. I am so tired of being in school...I just want it to be over with. No more school, no more anyone of this bullshit I have to sit through all the time. No, no, no. Dave is still at his parents house helping his Dad and all I want right now is to go to his place and just feel his arms holding me still and feeling his fingers brush through my hair and feel his lips kiss my forehead. Hold me, please. Am I going to be ok?
I don't want to have to do this again. I don't want to have to deal with people telling me, "You're tough, you can do it," anymore because really, I am sick of HAVING to do it. I am sick of HAVING to overcome obstacles with my freaking health. I am sick of being the YOU CAN DO IT inspirational story on television for those little kids watching television when they get home from school. I am sick of having to be threatened to have to stop school for a freaking semester. I am sick of my health always holding me back amidst me trying to get through it. I can't get through it. I have tried, trust me, but for some reason it freaking holds on and won't let me go forward. I will be affected by this for the rest of my life, and for once I am beginning to see that there is shit for me to do about it.
One year it's migraines that make it so I slur my speech and can't move the left side of my body, the next year it is gastropresis which makes it so I throw up in the bathroom all the time because my stomach refuses to digest food. Then the next year it's my fibromyalgia putting me back in a wheelchair or my asthma restricting my lungs so much that I have to stay inside my house at all times. Last year it was two surgeries and serious problems with my asthma. This year it is a cold that has not gone away for over two months that has been putting me in the freaking hospital on and off, on and off. I can't keep up with all the work because OH THERE IS SO MUCH OF IT DAMNIT!!!
I am sick of having to fight for EVERYTHING all the fucking time. I have to fight for my family, my friends, Dave, school, knowledge, EVERYTHING. NO MORE FIGHTING. I don't want to have to put my everything into every little freaking thing in my life in order to get a result. No more fucking fighting, please. I just want something I don't need to fight for in order to get. Sounds kinda stupid and immature and lame, doesn't it? I don't want to have to fight for respect in my family anymore. I don't want to have to fight for my friends and have to deal with my best friend being a son of a bitch and having to fight to keep my sanity with that entire situation, I don't want to have to fight for getting good grades in school right now amidst me being sick cause I am the freaking Little Engine that Could, and I don't want to have to fight for Dave anymore. I have to fight my urges to fall in love with him because he's not ready and I am not going to put myself out there only to POSSIBLY get hurt. I hate having to fight feelings and emotions with everyone, not just Dave. I just cannot keep doing to this to my body. It is physically exhausted from no sleep cause I'm studying or thinking about my friends or Fernando or maybe even Dave or someone...I just cannot do this.
I need someone to hold my hand. I need someone to hold me in their arms, and not ask any questions as I just lay there and cry and cry and scream and say what I want to about whatever I want. I want someone that will kiss my forehead when I am done, and then just hold me and brush their fingers through my hair. I just need someone to tell me that this is going to be ok because really, I cannot see it. For some reason, I cannot see how this is all going to pan out because I am having one of my dramatic flares. I am so tired of being in school...I just want it to be over with. No more school, no more anyone of this bullshit I have to sit through all the time. No, no, no. Dave is still at his parents house helping his Dad and all I want right now is to go to his place and just feel his arms holding me still and feeling his fingers brush through my hair and feel his lips kiss my forehead. Hold me, please. Am I going to be ok?