Playing Oboe In My Dreams
I had a dream last night that I think signals some sort of mild anxiety or "in over my head" feeling.
In the dream, I had to play oboe in some ensemble...but I don't know how to play oboe at all, I don't think I've ever even handled one, not in real life, and not in the dream. And I had this case with an oboe in it, and I was like, crap, I don't even know how to put it together. So I got it together and I was trying to figure out how to put the reed in, and how to produce a sound out of the reed. And I was like--trying to remember clarinet fingerings, because it was the only woodwind instrument I had ever played...and I only played it for a few months, years ago. And I had absolutely no guidance or help, I was just struggling to do it all on my own.
And I just had this really strong feeling in the dream of like...being stretched to the very limits of my abilities, and clawing desperately for these memories at the fringes of my consciousness, not having anyone there to help me out, and trying desperately to wing it / fake it. And on some level, there was this intense excitement at the challenge, a sort of exhilaration, that I was taking on a task that seemed absolutely impossible, to the point of being outright ridiculous. The practice for the ensemble never started, and I woke up...but I was left with that feeling.
I had a kind of interesting insight, upon reflecting on this dream. The insight was that, although I regularly am placed in situations like the one in this dream, in that, I have an immediate need to do something that I have never done before, and I have barely any experience with doing similar things...but I rarely experience that feeling of like, giving it my all, trying to dredge up every remote skill or memory or insight that might be useful...and I don't think I've experienced much of that excitement at attempting something that seems impossible, in quite some time. So maybe I'm not going all-out in my life.
I think this means I have untapped potential. Not to play the oboe (although, I think the oboe is powerly symbolic to me, as one of the oboists that I knew and played frequently with in the past picked up the instrument at age 40). But...maybe I have more ability than I give myself credit for, doing the things in life that seem really tough for me.
Overall, the whole experience was really empowering, in an odd sort of way.