Doing things my own way - frustrations with carpooling into Philly
For the past year and a half or so, I've been carpooling into Philadelphia regularly, to go to Lindy and Blues, both the monday and tuesday night dances. The carpoolers are a mix of U. Delaware undergrads, grad students, and graduates. We leave from Newark, DE, and it's a longish (~50 min.) drive. Last night, I drove in alone, for the first time ever. I am normally reluctant to drive in alone.
It was a liberating experience. I don't think I realized how much stress it places on me to carpool with other people who have a different sense of time. I realize that people have been pissing me off for the past year and I've been just sucking it up and dealing with it. Last night it was like this big weight being lifted off my chest. I don't like driving alone and I'd rather carpool than drive alone for many reasons (money, environment, social connections), but I realized that the stress of coordinating with other people has been greatly exceeding the benefits for me. Here's what's been stressing me out:
From now on I'm going to handle this situation a different way. I may decide to drive more in the carpool and rely on other people to drive less. But I may adopt a strict policy...of leaving promptly at 7:00 and leaving the dances at midnight or possibly earlier, and leaving people behind if they aren't ready to go when I'm ready to go. I've bent over backwards for other people for over a year, and what has it gotten me? Nothing but stress and headache. People don't express gratitude to me for my flexibilty to put up with their inconsiderate behaviour, and to the contrary, they sometimes express irritation when I press them to get a move on. People also rarely pay gas money when I drive, in spite of the fact that, even with my hybrid car, it costs about $5 is gas round trip, not to mention the wear and tear on the car.
More importantly, I may just stop going to the dances as often. I don't like the idea of driving that far on a regular basis...a 50 minute commute each way, twice a week, is a lot of driving...a lot more driving than I want to do on a regular basis, carpool or no. It's not sustainable. I care about having a local community of people...and I want to encourage people to build community locally. Going into Philly so often just to dance is not living out my values and dreams and it's not leading people by example to live the way I want to live and the way I think people should live. I think people should focus first and foremost on where they are, the community they are physically located in.
When I do things this way it just feels right. It's healthier to walk and bike everywhere, not drive, it makes people happier, and it's better for the environment. And it makes for stronger communities when people stay local. So much about the dances, the dance community, peoples' behavior, has just felt wrong to me over the past year. People need to realize that their actions effect other people...even little things like arriving late to a carpool or dilly-dallying around before leaving. People have been stressing me out and making my life difficult through this carpool over the past year. And I've been putting up with it and have not been sufficiently direct with people about it. Now I'm going to be direct. And if people don't like what I have to say, that's their problem. I can always just find other stuff to do here in town, or I can just drive in alone if I really care about being there.
It was a liberating experience. I don't think I realized how much stress it places on me to carpool with other people who have a different sense of time. I realize that people have been pissing me off for the past year and I've been just sucking it up and dealing with it. Last night it was like this big weight being lifted off my chest. I don't like driving alone and I'd rather carpool than drive alone for many reasons (money, environment, social connections), but I realized that the stress of coordinating with other people has been greatly exceeding the benefits for me. Here's what's been stressing me out:
- People arrive at the carpool point late and leave late. I just don't get this--it seems such a poor use of time. I'm the type of person who would rather get to things on-time or early. I like arriving early so I can mosy around...maybe have time to drop in a storefront somewhere to grab a bite to eat, maybe chat with some friends beforehand, just so I can take my time. And when I'm taking a dance lesson, I like to start lessons on-time. When I miss the beginning of a lesson, I feel like I get off track...it makes the whole evening less enjoyable to me.
- When other people drive, they often speed, to varying degrees. I typically drive 5 mph over the speed limit, occasionally as high as 7. I'm not interested in driving any faster than that, and, depending on driving conditions, I do not feel comfortable driving in a car with someone who is driving substantially faster. One of my friends was even once pulled over and fined by a cop, for driving 63 in a 45 zone. And yet she continues to speed--and this is by no means the first speeding ticket she has ever received. Another of my friends speeds even more--although he is much better at evading the police. These people clearly do not care about or value driving at slower speeds the way I do.
- At the end of the dance, people dilly-dally around and often leave late...often 15-25 minutes after the end of the dance. When the dance gets out at 12, this is a big deal because I'd rather be in bed and asleep by 12 so it's already a stretch. People also rarely want to leave the dance early. It puzzles me how people want to stay for the whole dance, but they don't seem to care about getting to the dance on time...this seems to be a poor sense of priorities to me. It seems to communicate that these people don't really care about getting the most out of life--rather, they're just lazy and incompetent at getting their act together to get to an event or leave from the event. This is not how I live my life and constantly interfacing with people who live like this drags me down.
- The net effect of people leaving late from both things is that it wastes my time and it makes me stay up later than I'd like to. My time is less important, but my sleep is very important to me, so this is a major imposition.
From now on I'm going to handle this situation a different way. I may decide to drive more in the carpool and rely on other people to drive less. But I may adopt a strict policy...of leaving promptly at 7:00 and leaving the dances at midnight or possibly earlier, and leaving people behind if they aren't ready to go when I'm ready to go. I've bent over backwards for other people for over a year, and what has it gotten me? Nothing but stress and headache. People don't express gratitude to me for my flexibilty to put up with their inconsiderate behaviour, and to the contrary, they sometimes express irritation when I press them to get a move on. People also rarely pay gas money when I drive, in spite of the fact that, even with my hybrid car, it costs about $5 is gas round trip, not to mention the wear and tear on the car.
More importantly, I may just stop going to the dances as often. I don't like the idea of driving that far on a regular basis...a 50 minute commute each way, twice a week, is a lot of driving...a lot more driving than I want to do on a regular basis, carpool or no. It's not sustainable. I care about having a local community of people...and I want to encourage people to build community locally. Going into Philly so often just to dance is not living out my values and dreams and it's not leading people by example to live the way I want to live and the way I think people should live. I think people should focus first and foremost on where they are, the community they are physically located in.
When I do things this way it just feels right. It's healthier to walk and bike everywhere, not drive, it makes people happier, and it's better for the environment. And it makes for stronger communities when people stay local. So much about the dances, the dance community, peoples' behavior, has just felt wrong to me over the past year. People need to realize that their actions effect other people...even little things like arriving late to a carpool or dilly-dallying around before leaving. People have been stressing me out and making my life difficult through this carpool over the past year. And I've been putting up with it and have not been sufficiently direct with people about it. Now I'm going to be direct. And if people don't like what I have to say, that's their problem. I can always just find other stuff to do here in town, or I can just drive in alone if I really care about being there.