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“I have a half-brother,” I said to Scott as we were washing the dishes one night. He looked at me, he wasn’t sure if I was serious or not.
“Really?” he says. “What’s his name?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I’ve never met him.”
I then explain about that, tell him about the shoebox we found in one of dad’s old suitcases, the letters from my half-brothers mother. I tell him that I tore up and binned most of it, but that I still have the baby photograph. I keep it in my fairy jewellery box in a secret compartment.
“Let me see it,” he says. I smile, feeling elated at sharing my secret with somebody. Scott seems pretty excited about it all.
“Okay, hang on.” I wipe my hands on a dish cloth and go to our room to retrieve the baby picture. I hand it to Scott who looks horrified at once.
“What’s up?” I ask.
Scott is actually shaking; he looks as white as milk. I feel like I’m about to explode, so I shake him. “Scott,” I say. “Tell me.”
Scott walks off, into the lounge, letting the photograph drop. He falls onto the sofa, tears in his eyes. I wish I had never said anything about any of this, why do I always fuck things up between us? I’m sick of myself, I really am.
Scott is trying to speak, to tell me things. I try to listen, but he is not making sense.
“If all this is true,” he says. “Then I might be what you’re looking for.”
“What?” I say, hugely confused by this sudden display of upset, confused by his words.
He looks right up at me. “Tiggy. I’m your half-brother. That picture, it’s me. It’s my house. Everything matches.”
I fall to the ground. I cannot believe it. I will not believe it.
I have to get out; I am feeling sick and confused. My skin is covered in Scott; little particles of his skin are all over my clothes. I feel a strange urge to suddenly be clean, so I go to the bathroom and run a shower. I scrub and scrub at my skin until it is red, but I do not feel clean enough.
Scott is my half-brother. He is family.
I made love to him this morning and that makes me feel sick.
I cry my heart out in the shower and hope by the time I’m out of the shower that Scott has disappeared. I can’t face him right now. And do I still love him? Yes, I do. I’m still in-love with him, but everything has changed so I don’t know how to feel or react anymore. This was a cruel fucking joke.
I throw up. I can’t stop being sick.
I go to my bed, collapse onto it and give up on everything. From this day forward I forfeit out of life. I will not sleep, eat or drink again. I will shrivel up and die in this bed. I will not be moved from this spot, my crying spot, and the spot where I will surely die.
I’m afraid if he comes to comfort me that I will accept his open arms and fall into them once more. But how can I be so stupid? He is my brother. Things have changed so dramatically. I cry and cry until I feel no more tears. Until only numbness takes over me. I so desperately want to swallow a couple hundred pills and go for a long sleep, but it has never worked, so why should it work now? My whole life I have been dying a slow and painful death.
Scott comes into the room, stares at me unsure what to do with me or himself. I know that he hates me right now and that he never wants to see or speak to me again and I don’t blame him. We’ve both committed an unforgivable sin. I don’t need God to tell me that one, I know it for myself.
Then Scott comes for me, settling himself on the bed beside me. He sits at first, but then he is lying down beside me. Waiting for me to make the first move, like he always did, apart from when he revealed how he truly felt, Scott was the first to say he loved me and I believed it. I truly and whole heartedly did. And now because I’ve fucked him up so much he will always wait for my reaction so that he can react to it. I will always make the first move.
“It’s a mess,” I say to him. “It’s a very big mess.” I cry harder. I know that we can never be together.
“Ssh,” he says and then wraps himself around me, like a boa constrictor. He is reluctant to release me from his arms, from his grip. He begins to kiss my neck, to touch the places I love most. He rubs my shoulders and whispers in my ear that he loves me, and that things haven’t changed for him. Oh but they have, in a very impossible way. I can’t let this continue. I end it now.
“No,” I say. “It’s over for good. We can’t do this anymore, Scott. I’m tired of all the crap we’ve been through but this is the ultimate one for me. You’re my half-brother. We can never have children or get married. We can’t even be together right now, its very wrong.”
“And who else cares about me in your family? You’ve been thinking of me for the past three years, but who else has cared?”
“I wasn’t thinking of you, Scott. I was thinking of some mystery stranger that I was related too. And then we were fucking. I made no connection in my mind that you could ever be him. Scott, we just need to cut our ties.”
“I want to help you get through this; I want to go through it together,” he tells me.
“I can’t. I need to make a clean break, that’s of course if I don’t have a nervous breakdown first. God, selfish fucking parents huh?” I say, and then burst into tears, falling back down beside him. I’m suddenly aware that I’m naked, self-conscious of the fact I’m so exposed to Scott. All he wants to do is comfort me, but I’m not sure. All I want is to curl up in his arms, be a part of him. Make love to him, even. But at the same time the very thought sickens me. We share the same father.
“Nobody knows who I really am, it’s my fathers name on my birth certificate,” he whispers to me. “You’ve destroyed all evidence of that. Only a handful of people know. People who won’t go looking, digging up bones like this will only cause more damage to everyone involved.”
My sister pops into my head. She will want to look for our half-brother. “My sister,” I say suddenly, wanting to say to Scott that she is our sister. “My sister knows she has a half-brother. She will want to look; I’m sure at some point. And what will she do when she finds you?” I ask, waiting for his reaction.
“When she starts looking we will throw her off the scent, maybe we could leave Scotland and go somewhere else. I have an aunt in Canada, maybe we can go there.”
“I like it here,” I tell him. “Scotland is my home.”
“Then I don’t know, Tiggy. You know what? Maybe you’re right; maybe we’ll cut all our ties right now. Yeah, let’s do that. We’ve really managed to do it before, oh but I’m sure we’ll be experts at it now.”
“Look, Scott I didn’t ask for any of this. I wish it wasn’t happening, but it is. And I don’t need your attitude right now, or a fight. I’m fragile enough without you completely smashing me up. No, Scott don’t even try to throw your arms around me and make it all “okay.” It’s not okay.” I let myself be held by Scott and that’s when I completely break down into tears, believing I’d used up all the water in my body to cry. He comforts me, rubs my back and kisses me occasionally on the forehead. I want to be nowhere else. I want him to love nobody else but me, I want to love no one else but him.
I’m not sure what we will do. If we decide to be together we will surely have to leave Scotland for good. If people find out the truth of our relationship they’d be horrified, and rightly so. They will take us away from each other. They will call us all sorts of names. And then I’m not sure I even want this to work out. I’m not even sure I want to see Scott again. I don’t think I could bring myself to live with this for the rest of my life.
But can I live without Scott for the rest of my life? I’ve done it many times before, why is this time so different? It’s because I’ve been able to see inside my true feelings truly and openly feel them for myself. I’ve always known that I loved Scott but I have never really known I was in-love with him. Not until the moment I had to save his life, not until the moment he lay dying. Not until the moment he took a bullet for me.
I begin to kiss him again, not sure if he is Scott or my long lost half-brother. I still feel confused, but in every kiss I find myself again. In every touch he is mine, in every heart beat we come closer together. “I will keep our secret,” I say to him over and over. He slowly undresses and comes closer to me, worshipping my body with all his kisses. He pushes inside of me and is no longer my half-brother.
It needs editing, I know...but I'm working on it :). It's from my book 'Tiger Eyes.' I'm quite proud of it, not nessecarily this part of it...this is just the bit I've read up too over the past few days
“Really?” he says. “What’s his name?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I’ve never met him.”
I then explain about that, tell him about the shoebox we found in one of dad’s old suitcases, the letters from my half-brothers mother. I tell him that I tore up and binned most of it, but that I still have the baby photograph. I keep it in my fairy jewellery box in a secret compartment.
“Let me see it,” he says. I smile, feeling elated at sharing my secret with somebody. Scott seems pretty excited about it all.
“Okay, hang on.” I wipe my hands on a dish cloth and go to our room to retrieve the baby picture. I hand it to Scott who looks horrified at once.
“What’s up?” I ask.
Scott is actually shaking; he looks as white as milk. I feel like I’m about to explode, so I shake him. “Scott,” I say. “Tell me.”
Scott walks off, into the lounge, letting the photograph drop. He falls onto the sofa, tears in his eyes. I wish I had never said anything about any of this, why do I always fuck things up between us? I’m sick of myself, I really am.
Scott is trying to speak, to tell me things. I try to listen, but he is not making sense.
“If all this is true,” he says. “Then I might be what you’re looking for.”
“What?” I say, hugely confused by this sudden display of upset, confused by his words.
He looks right up at me. “Tiggy. I’m your half-brother. That picture, it’s me. It’s my house. Everything matches.”
I fall to the ground. I cannot believe it. I will not believe it.
I have to get out; I am feeling sick and confused. My skin is covered in Scott; little particles of his skin are all over my clothes. I feel a strange urge to suddenly be clean, so I go to the bathroom and run a shower. I scrub and scrub at my skin until it is red, but I do not feel clean enough.
Scott is my half-brother. He is family.
I made love to him this morning and that makes me feel sick.
I cry my heart out in the shower and hope by the time I’m out of the shower that Scott has disappeared. I can’t face him right now. And do I still love him? Yes, I do. I’m still in-love with him, but everything has changed so I don’t know how to feel or react anymore. This was a cruel fucking joke.
I throw up. I can’t stop being sick.
I go to my bed, collapse onto it and give up on everything. From this day forward I forfeit out of life. I will not sleep, eat or drink again. I will shrivel up and die in this bed. I will not be moved from this spot, my crying spot, and the spot where I will surely die.
I’m afraid if he comes to comfort me that I will accept his open arms and fall into them once more. But how can I be so stupid? He is my brother. Things have changed so dramatically. I cry and cry until I feel no more tears. Until only numbness takes over me. I so desperately want to swallow a couple hundred pills and go for a long sleep, but it has never worked, so why should it work now? My whole life I have been dying a slow and painful death.
Scott comes into the room, stares at me unsure what to do with me or himself. I know that he hates me right now and that he never wants to see or speak to me again and I don’t blame him. We’ve both committed an unforgivable sin. I don’t need God to tell me that one, I know it for myself.
Then Scott comes for me, settling himself on the bed beside me. He sits at first, but then he is lying down beside me. Waiting for me to make the first move, like he always did, apart from when he revealed how he truly felt, Scott was the first to say he loved me and I believed it. I truly and whole heartedly did. And now because I’ve fucked him up so much he will always wait for my reaction so that he can react to it. I will always make the first move.
“It’s a mess,” I say to him. “It’s a very big mess.” I cry harder. I know that we can never be together.
“Ssh,” he says and then wraps himself around me, like a boa constrictor. He is reluctant to release me from his arms, from his grip. He begins to kiss my neck, to touch the places I love most. He rubs my shoulders and whispers in my ear that he loves me, and that things haven’t changed for him. Oh but they have, in a very impossible way. I can’t let this continue. I end it now.
“No,” I say. “It’s over for good. We can’t do this anymore, Scott. I’m tired of all the crap we’ve been through but this is the ultimate one for me. You’re my half-brother. We can never have children or get married. We can’t even be together right now, its very wrong.”
“And who else cares about me in your family? You’ve been thinking of me for the past three years, but who else has cared?”
“I wasn’t thinking of you, Scott. I was thinking of some mystery stranger that I was related too. And then we were fucking. I made no connection in my mind that you could ever be him. Scott, we just need to cut our ties.”
“I want to help you get through this; I want to go through it together,” he tells me.
“I can’t. I need to make a clean break, that’s of course if I don’t have a nervous breakdown first. God, selfish fucking parents huh?” I say, and then burst into tears, falling back down beside him. I’m suddenly aware that I’m naked, self-conscious of the fact I’m so exposed to Scott. All he wants to do is comfort me, but I’m not sure. All I want is to curl up in his arms, be a part of him. Make love to him, even. But at the same time the very thought sickens me. We share the same father.
“Nobody knows who I really am, it’s my fathers name on my birth certificate,” he whispers to me. “You’ve destroyed all evidence of that. Only a handful of people know. People who won’t go looking, digging up bones like this will only cause more damage to everyone involved.”
My sister pops into my head. She will want to look for our half-brother. “My sister,” I say suddenly, wanting to say to Scott that she is our sister. “My sister knows she has a half-brother. She will want to look; I’m sure at some point. And what will she do when she finds you?” I ask, waiting for his reaction.
“When she starts looking we will throw her off the scent, maybe we could leave Scotland and go somewhere else. I have an aunt in Canada, maybe we can go there.”
“I like it here,” I tell him. “Scotland is my home.”
“Then I don’t know, Tiggy. You know what? Maybe you’re right; maybe we’ll cut all our ties right now. Yeah, let’s do that. We’ve really managed to do it before, oh but I’m sure we’ll be experts at it now.”
“Look, Scott I didn’t ask for any of this. I wish it wasn’t happening, but it is. And I don’t need your attitude right now, or a fight. I’m fragile enough without you completely smashing me up. No, Scott don’t even try to throw your arms around me and make it all “okay.” It’s not okay.” I let myself be held by Scott and that’s when I completely break down into tears, believing I’d used up all the water in my body to cry. He comforts me, rubs my back and kisses me occasionally on the forehead. I want to be nowhere else. I want him to love nobody else but me, I want to love no one else but him.
I’m not sure what we will do. If we decide to be together we will surely have to leave Scotland for good. If people find out the truth of our relationship they’d be horrified, and rightly so. They will take us away from each other. They will call us all sorts of names. And then I’m not sure I even want this to work out. I’m not even sure I want to see Scott again. I don’t think I could bring myself to live with this for the rest of my life.
But can I live without Scott for the rest of my life? I’ve done it many times before, why is this time so different? It’s because I’ve been able to see inside my true feelings truly and openly feel them for myself. I’ve always known that I loved Scott but I have never really known I was in-love with him. Not until the moment I had to save his life, not until the moment he lay dying. Not until the moment he took a bullet for me.
I begin to kiss him again, not sure if he is Scott or my long lost half-brother. I still feel confused, but in every kiss I find myself again. In every touch he is mine, in every heart beat we come closer together. “I will keep our secret,” I say to him over and over. He slowly undresses and comes closer to me, worshipping my body with all his kisses. He pushes inside of me and is no longer my half-brother.
It needs editing, I know...but I'm working on it :). It's from my book 'Tiger Eyes.' I'm quite proud of it, not nessecarily this part of it...this is just the bit I've read up too over the past few days