can't tell if i've got rivers or veins, running under my skin, flowing out over the plains
i don't think you living your life as a myth is wrong... but that could be because if you live a myth, i live a fairy tale, and i'm kind to people, waiting for the old woman to tell me that diamonds pearls roses will drop out of my mouth. i'm waiting to be a swan for seven years until a young king tries to hunt me and finds me up a tree, tattered and lovely, and hands me down with gentleness. if you're guilty of living fiction, i am too, and i don't think we're the only ones. .
i was walking across the country club parking lot in nanaimo
this is where my worst angst took place
i bought way too many kettle chips and chocolate cookies from the save-on foods here
it's funny how things come full circle
i strode towards starbucks in my tight jeans, hair whirling around my face
the wind pulled one long blonde curl
across my lower lip
but it wasn't a caress, it took me to
the two blankets i grew up with as a child
no stuffed animals for me but two baby blankets i always slept with
and do to this day
(on the shittiest days of my life, one of them bounces against my hip, inside my perpetual green bag)
how i clasped them close to me when wracked in sobs, wiped my tears on them
or even younger, just examining, learning, with my serious child's eyes
studying texture and colour of things i loved
kissing the ribbon on the edge of the yellow blanket tenderly
the one that was always slightly more in my favour
and i felt a little guilty, which, there is a facet of my personality i've always had
feeling guilty over things, things like preferring one blanket to another, as if everything could feel my emotions and judge them
i used to anthropomorphize everything and not be able to treat anything like an object
bananas i pretended were ballerinas
becoming a vegetarian at five
imagining blood-spattered farmers with axes and headless chickens dragging viscera on the ground in flight from them
one of my biggest struggles isn't having confidence as much as asserting my own wants over those of anything around me
kindness out of guilt isn't nearly as meaningful as kindness out of choice, and i'm starting to learn the difference
i may be quiet, but i am a quester
i try to discover my own truths when i should be creating them
introspection only takes me so far into my own nature before it becomes useless
no one can ever truly know someone else... personalities, ideas, opinions, intentions, they all shift so quickly
every observation makes me more something else than the one before it
the speck of glitter from - what? - on my ruined cuticle this morning
the sway of the long grass in the sun outside
the fly on the window beside me
the thought that the form of that raven in flight would be a tattoo i would love
it's pointless to speculate in knowledge
i suppose you have to learn to trust in love
argh, my student loan hasn't come in yet. here's hoping it's soon, because i need to buy my books. and also start getting ready to move, which is a rather complicated process. it feels so in-limbo-ish, because all of the things i need and want to start to do, biking, looking for a job, my schoolwork, etc, all require money in one way or another. repairs, money for the printers at langara, textbooks, etc.
there are like five tickets going on sale today i want to pick up, and they're all fairly cheap. more justice, and yeasayer, and holy fuck, and crystal castles, and it sucks not having anyone to go to shows with. i'm waiting on baited breath to hear the date/venue for the radiohead show. i bet, august, and at either GM place or the p&e.
i hope i can make more friends at school here. i have to work at my outgoingness, sometimes it comes naturally, and sometimes i have to force it. but i want to meet people, and that reward spurs me on. there are some hot boys in some of my classes, and some interesting-looking girls. i'd love to create a huge circle of acquaintances. oh, and if anyone hears of any living openings here for feb or march, let a sister know!
i feel like i had more to say, but i can't think of anything right now. i really value the experiences i'm having these days, mundane or no. and after going on a huge house binge at stage 66 i am pretty darn grateful to have good health. it makes me feel like i need a checkup though. maybe once i buy into the insurance program.
i've been drinking v8 like it's going out of style.