That day?
It's today. I am stalling as I write this. The room pitch black, my face illuminated by this laptop's screen.
It is also 3 am.
Here I go.
Not much has changed since I came home from the US, and yet so much also has. I haven't written in almost two months, a little strange for someone like me who needs the verbal outburst. There's just too much that has gone on, I do not even know where to begin. But I decided today would be that day when I stitch together the old me (the one who needed to write here) and this new me that I am still getting to know. Either way, I like where I am at, and who I am becoming.
When I think of the rest of the year, I know it will move in speeds unlike any other year has. Make me or break me, and even as it breaks me I know myself to be a phoenix.
Him and I - to be diplomatic about it, is a story that is still being written. A good one, I believe. We evolved quickly into strangers and yet are still incredibly connected to each other that there are no words that can describe exactly what that is like. I do not regret any moment or emotion that I had given him; in fact I have him to thank for allowing my strength to come to the surface in even greater fashion. There are things he has asked of me that I haven't let go of. Why that is, perhaps only the future will be able to explain. I certainly don't have the answers; I don't need to be here but I am. There are many things I have endured: silent aggression, being told different things about this man (that he is saying things about me, telling people another side to this story, that I am being used, whatever) and allowing myself to be put in a room with a person who certainly cannot stand the mere sight of me because I seem to cause much distress. Either way, whatever chaos is going on on the other side of this story, I am calm and perfectly still.
The dark days passed through me and quickly; today I am renewed and ever so hopeful still. Not necessarily for him and I in particular, most especially now. I am hopeful for the future because I know it is good, hopeful for restoration because I know it is possible, and hopeful for my dreams and plans that are all coming into maturity.
Republikha is on the brink of breaking through into the country's psyche... this month has shown that we are moving at a faster pace than before, and I am overwhelmed at the amount of work I need to do. Being a strategist I have a terrible sense of time. Urgency doesn't always move me because if I believe my decision is done without wisdom I'll have an even bigger problem on my hands. Nevertheless, I am blessed and grateful that I am able to influence the industry and its leaders. This is a privilege I know that not many have in their lifetime - I do not intend to abuse it. Most especially that the cynics and jaded music industry players are looking to Republikha, expecting the worst for us but also in most need for it to succeed. I don't plan to let anyone down. There is the manual I need to finish, the photo shoots I need to do, the money I need to raise, the funding agents I need to tap, the album I need to get out there, the artists I need to meet, the business plan I need to put together, the training module I need to design, the meetings I need to have, the budgets I need to fix, the networks I need to create, and the volunteers I need to find. This of course, is the simple, incomplete version.
Julianne as well is posing a challenge - I've never been a manager before and I am certainly learning the ropes along the way. There are glaring shortcomings that I had anticipated, and thankfully I have more often than not risen to the occasion. God is still training me, giving me the words and the audacity to stand firm on many things. How long I'll be manager is another story. I know that season will end when it is supposed to. For now, I learn and grow.
The music fest is perhaps the biggest challenge as yet. I didn't expect to come home with such a big responsibility on my hands. I had the impression that I would have more help than this, but ended up taking the challenge because truthfully I believe in supporting people and their dreams. This is something that he has wanted for a long time, and I did wait for him to tell me that he wanted me off the project. He never said anything. I spent a month waiting, unsure of what my role was, ready to give up. There are still days that I expect him to tell me he wants me to go, but it hasn't come. So perhaps this is really what is meant to happen, and at this point I am a mere project hire.
It is incredibly hard because I have never done anything of this magnitude, but it is teaching me discipline ever so much more, and stretching me to be an even better person. I certainly hope to start finding money in June all the way to the end of the year. I am confident this will happen - mostly because music is still God's idea and the heart of this event is to redeem the music industry. Why would God oppose that?
The other thing is the Girls Club I am heading with International Justice Mission - an anti-trafficking organization that rescues (mostly) young girls from the sex trade. After meeting young men and women who have suffered that fate and been rescued, there really is no way you can find respect or justification for prostitution or pornography. It destroys your heart, mind, body and soul, slowly. It truly will betray you. I will be meeting with about 10 girls once a week and teaching them literacy skills - to speak up, write their stories, listen to truth and read only what can nurture their hearts and spirits.
Lastly, there is spoken word. For so long I have battled with this - do I dive into it or not? Do I turn my artistry on or not? This is the year I have decided that I am an artist and a I WILL live that reality. I plan to activate young people through poetry and education and music. How is yet to be seen. But the what and why have been rumbling in my heart. This has to happen and I am finally going to let it.
There are other things in between that are on my plate - connections with other international artists, offers from big management companies, inquiries about speaking engagements on leadership, requests to oversee other projects.
I fully well know that you should not and must not say yes to everything. Good ideas are sometimes the enemy; we need to say Yes to those things that have the potential to be great and make US great. Not for fame or fortune, but for our characters to be stronger, wiser, and better. There are so many things I have already said yes to. There is not much space for more; I still need personal time to dance, to write and to learn how to be a decent drummer (plus a top-secret personal project for November. Stay tuned!) and of course, to sleep. ;)
Him and I - it is not a sad ending, it is a revelation of our truths. Once accepted, there is no room for sadness. Only remembering, gratefulness and evolution. All of which are blessings.
Our stories are being written; they are ours to write. Make sure yours is good.
++
"I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your records
your books
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
sleeping
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
of you
who made me laugh
again."
Charles Bukowski
It is also 3 am.
Here I go.
Not much has changed since I came home from the US, and yet so much also has. I haven't written in almost two months, a little strange for someone like me who needs the verbal outburst. There's just too much that has gone on, I do not even know where to begin. But I decided today would be that day when I stitch together the old me (the one who needed to write here) and this new me that I am still getting to know. Either way, I like where I am at, and who I am becoming.
When I think of the rest of the year, I know it will move in speeds unlike any other year has. Make me or break me, and even as it breaks me I know myself to be a phoenix.
Him and I - to be diplomatic about it, is a story that is still being written. A good one, I believe. We evolved quickly into strangers and yet are still incredibly connected to each other that there are no words that can describe exactly what that is like. I do not regret any moment or emotion that I had given him; in fact I have him to thank for allowing my strength to come to the surface in even greater fashion. There are things he has asked of me that I haven't let go of. Why that is, perhaps only the future will be able to explain. I certainly don't have the answers; I don't need to be here but I am. There are many things I have endured: silent aggression, being told different things about this man (that he is saying things about me, telling people another side to this story, that I am being used, whatever) and allowing myself to be put in a room with a person who certainly cannot stand the mere sight of me because I seem to cause much distress. Either way, whatever chaos is going on on the other side of this story, I am calm and perfectly still.
The dark days passed through me and quickly; today I am renewed and ever so hopeful still. Not necessarily for him and I in particular, most especially now. I am hopeful for the future because I know it is good, hopeful for restoration because I know it is possible, and hopeful for my dreams and plans that are all coming into maturity.
Republikha is on the brink of breaking through into the country's psyche... this month has shown that we are moving at a faster pace than before, and I am overwhelmed at the amount of work I need to do. Being a strategist I have a terrible sense of time. Urgency doesn't always move me because if I believe my decision is done without wisdom I'll have an even bigger problem on my hands. Nevertheless, I am blessed and grateful that I am able to influence the industry and its leaders. This is a privilege I know that not many have in their lifetime - I do not intend to abuse it. Most especially that the cynics and jaded music industry players are looking to Republikha, expecting the worst for us but also in most need for it to succeed. I don't plan to let anyone down. There is the manual I need to finish, the photo shoots I need to do, the money I need to raise, the funding agents I need to tap, the album I need to get out there, the artists I need to meet, the business plan I need to put together, the training module I need to design, the meetings I need to have, the budgets I need to fix, the networks I need to create, and the volunteers I need to find. This of course, is the simple, incomplete version.
Julianne as well is posing a challenge - I've never been a manager before and I am certainly learning the ropes along the way. There are glaring shortcomings that I had anticipated, and thankfully I have more often than not risen to the occasion. God is still training me, giving me the words and the audacity to stand firm on many things. How long I'll be manager is another story. I know that season will end when it is supposed to. For now, I learn and grow.
The music fest is perhaps the biggest challenge as yet. I didn't expect to come home with such a big responsibility on my hands. I had the impression that I would have more help than this, but ended up taking the challenge because truthfully I believe in supporting people and their dreams. This is something that he has wanted for a long time, and I did wait for him to tell me that he wanted me off the project. He never said anything. I spent a month waiting, unsure of what my role was, ready to give up. There are still days that I expect him to tell me he wants me to go, but it hasn't come. So perhaps this is really what is meant to happen, and at this point I am a mere project hire.
It is incredibly hard because I have never done anything of this magnitude, but it is teaching me discipline ever so much more, and stretching me to be an even better person. I certainly hope to start finding money in June all the way to the end of the year. I am confident this will happen - mostly because music is still God's idea and the heart of this event is to redeem the music industry. Why would God oppose that?
The other thing is the Girls Club I am heading with International Justice Mission - an anti-trafficking organization that rescues (mostly) young girls from the sex trade. After meeting young men and women who have suffered that fate and been rescued, there really is no way you can find respect or justification for prostitution or pornography. It destroys your heart, mind, body and soul, slowly. It truly will betray you. I will be meeting with about 10 girls once a week and teaching them literacy skills - to speak up, write their stories, listen to truth and read only what can nurture their hearts and spirits.
Lastly, there is spoken word. For so long I have battled with this - do I dive into it or not? Do I turn my artistry on or not? This is the year I have decided that I am an artist and a I WILL live that reality. I plan to activate young people through poetry and education and music. How is yet to be seen. But the what and why have been rumbling in my heart. This has to happen and I am finally going to let it.
There are other things in between that are on my plate - connections with other international artists, offers from big management companies, inquiries about speaking engagements on leadership, requests to oversee other projects.
I fully well know that you should not and must not say yes to everything. Good ideas are sometimes the enemy; we need to say Yes to those things that have the potential to be great and make US great. Not for fame or fortune, but for our characters to be stronger, wiser, and better. There are so many things I have already said yes to. There is not much space for more; I still need personal time to dance, to write and to learn how to be a decent drummer (plus a top-secret personal project for November. Stay tuned!) and of course, to sleep. ;)
Him and I - it is not a sad ending, it is a revelation of our truths. Once accepted, there is no room for sadness. Only remembering, gratefulness and evolution. All of which are blessings.
Our stories are being written; they are ours to write. Make sure yours is good.
++
"I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your records
your books
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
sleeping
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
of you
who made me laugh
again."
Charles Bukowski