For the people...

[cawd]

Not many of you know this, but I'm about to take a vacation in April... I'm going down to West Virginia for about a week and a half... I've not been there in almost 8 years, and with reason. My father and I don't really get along, part of this is because he and I are two entirely different people. I'm steady, hard working and responsible, I know what I want in life and I strive for that. My father is hard working and responsible, but he's never worked for what he wants, and what he wants, to me, isn't much. Maybe that's just it. I strive for greatness, and my father strives for mediocrity. I enjoy a challenge, because challenges are in all actuality easier than the beaten path, the easy way out or in as the case may be. My father isn't very honest, he makes promises, but in my life he's never kept a one. When I lived with him he told me he'd get me a real drum set for xmas... He didn't. He got me a drum set, two in fact... But only technically. Had I been 5 the one set would have been perfect, just my size... But I was going on 5ft 7in, and lanky as hell... He tried, but failed miserably... The other one was a yamaha DD9, 4 pads, bunches of settings... It was a piece of shit, but I made it work for me, it taught me a lot... Again, try and fail. Seemed to be the order of the day for my pop. I didn't do well by him either... Sure, I did my chores, helped out at the kiln he ran when I could... Which could have been more often considering that he didn't allow me to go anywhere.. We butted heads a lot, we butted fists a time or two also.... Like I said, it wasn't a very good relationship. I remember the first time we fought... He asked me why I didn't want to go to Town and Country Days, the local fair, to help with the horses... I didn't answer fast enough or the answer I gave wasn't good enough for him.. I don't remember that part very well because he punched me in the temple... Rage flowed through me as it never has before. My foot flew into his balls, my forhead coming towards his, meeting with a resounding thunk, as he reeled back in pain. I rose up off of my bed and commenced to kicking and hitting him.... He got away, and got into his truck, went somewhere, I don't know where... I cleaned my gun in front of the TV, loaded it, and waited for him to return... My sister... A saint that day... Simply asked me to put it away, just unload it and put it away because it wasn't worth it... So I did. She spoke to me with such love and care.. Such as she'd never used before, and I complied... I've never been the same since that day... Anger is always inside of me, within reach should I need it.... But I keep it at bay, knowing now what I'm capable of. I keep it chained up, making it so that it's very hard to get me angry... Unfortunately, when I do become enraged, for that is the only word for it, I truly become another person. It scares me, a lot. To show such anger, anger for everything, anything... The will to kill always there.... But I go to face my fears in a months time, to see how it all works out. I have a little sister, who I've not seen since her first birthday, she's almost 7 now. I want to get to know her, but to do that I must reconcile with my father... We've tried over the phone but it's very hard to do.. So in person I think we can... Both of us men, we can do things as such... I beleive I've said to much at this point, so I will stop... No need to make comments, I was only venting.. I suspect there will be a lot of that in the coming weeks, so prepare yourselves. lol

Cawd out