Appearances
I'm concerned at how much I've changed this year, particularly in the past month or so. I've lost a pants size and while I'm quite happy with that I feel like I need to lose more. To be frank, I'm not entirely sure that would be healthy. I am also wearing makeup most days, straightening my hair, and wearing cute outfits. Now, there is nothing really wrong with that but it's just not traditionally me. Sure, I'll be the first to admit that a lot of this stemmed from having a crush on a boy but now I sort of just take pleasure in doing it. I feel prettier and more self-confident (and I've been having an abundance of time in the mornings). I guess I sort of fear that I'm placing value in things that aren't that important. I now look in the mirror and think, "Wow, I look good! I'm actually rather pretty and guys SHOULD like me". It's weird and feels wrong somehow. It disturbs me that I'm willing to spend more on my appearance than on reading my Bible and praying. Not good, not good at all.
For the past 8 months or so I've been feeling rather restless and sometimes I will feel hollow and empty inside as if something is missing. I can only imagine that this something is a good relationship with God. It frightens me because, in Christian circles, that "hollow" feeling means that you don't even have God in your life.
At work, I feel like it is so easy to pick up other people's values. The whole sleeping with people, living together, drinking thing. I feel like I need to do something to even compete, you know? Even at church, I am frusterated at how young I am compared to people and I'm really, except for one or two, without any secrets. I'm still quite young and childish in my mindset compared to a lot of people. I want to be taken seriously but I don't think I have the tools to make that happen. I'm short, I have a high, soft voice, and yeah, I like bug hunting, feeding the ducks, and reading children's books. At the same time, I'm not sure I want to be a witty, urbane person because A) I don't really think that is pleasing to God and B) That's really not me.
People keep telling me that there will be someone out there that will appreciate all the facets that make me up, and perhaps that is true. I know I shouldn't worry about it. Right now I need to focus on what I believe God is nudging me towards, about trying to get to know Him better, about making Him my number one focus, which He should be already. And to not pay attention to men so much or even getting together so often with people. I need to run the race slowly and steadily and not rush headlong into something or pine after someone/something I cannot have.
For the past 8 months or so I've been feeling rather restless and sometimes I will feel hollow and empty inside as if something is missing. I can only imagine that this something is a good relationship with God. It frightens me because, in Christian circles, that "hollow" feeling means that you don't even have God in your life.
At work, I feel like it is so easy to pick up other people's values. The whole sleeping with people, living together, drinking thing. I feel like I need to do something to even compete, you know? Even at church, I am frusterated at how young I am compared to people and I'm really, except for one or two, without any secrets. I'm still quite young and childish in my mindset compared to a lot of people. I want to be taken seriously but I don't think I have the tools to make that happen. I'm short, I have a high, soft voice, and yeah, I like bug hunting, feeding the ducks, and reading children's books. At the same time, I'm not sure I want to be a witty, urbane person because A) I don't really think that is pleasing to God and B) That's really not me.
People keep telling me that there will be someone out there that will appreciate all the facets that make me up, and perhaps that is true. I know I shouldn't worry about it. Right now I need to focus on what I believe God is nudging me towards, about trying to get to know Him better, about making Him my number one focus, which He should be already. And to not pay attention to men so much or even getting together so often with people. I need to run the race slowly and steadily and not rush headlong into something or pine after someone/something I cannot have.