(no subject)
jesus fuck, i don't know what to think anymore. since when does being so nice about dealing with a bunch of shit dig you a deeper hole? i have a huge headache, because i punched myself in the face about infinite times tonight. i need to find a physical release for all this emotional anguish i have. does anyone have any suggestions?
why am i being so nice? why am i letting people get away with hurting me? why can't i find the words to describe the anger, hatred, confusion, fear, and sadness inside of me? there are times when i just want to break down and cry because i hurt so bad, but i can't. and i keep asking myself, "what did i do that was so wrong?" there are people who look at me and see that i'm just like everyone else; i have feelings too. and then there are the people who say little things here and there that i notice but no one else does that tear me apart inside. all i ask for from anyone is honesty. is it that hard? yes, i want you to chew me out if that's how you feel about me. and if you see me in the hall and notice that stony, vague expression on my face and think about all that is going on behind it, ask me how i'm doing, or if i want to talk about it. i don't have a problem trustng people as long as they don't fuck me over. take me to coffee, or lunch, or to watch tv at your house or driving around. anything. anybody. remind me what about this life is worth living.
i'm tempted to go into full detail about the story behind all of this, and just get all my thoughts out on the table, but that wouldn't be fair to kara or amanda or anyone else involved. plus, enough of it is going around already. congratufuckinglations anna, you dumbass. god damnit steven, i wish you were here right now. why must i live this painful and pointless existence? i keep looking at that desert eagle as i type this and wish i could do it. no more worries, no more fears, no more questions. just serenity.
why am i being so nice? why am i letting people get away with hurting me? why can't i find the words to describe the anger, hatred, confusion, fear, and sadness inside of me? there are times when i just want to break down and cry because i hurt so bad, but i can't. and i keep asking myself, "what did i do that was so wrong?" there are people who look at me and see that i'm just like everyone else; i have feelings too. and then there are the people who say little things here and there that i notice but no one else does that tear me apart inside. all i ask for from anyone is honesty. is it that hard? yes, i want you to chew me out if that's how you feel about me. and if you see me in the hall and notice that stony, vague expression on my face and think about all that is going on behind it, ask me how i'm doing, or if i want to talk about it. i don't have a problem trustng people as long as they don't fuck me over. take me to coffee, or lunch, or to watch tv at your house or driving around. anything. anybody. remind me what about this life is worth living.
i'm tempted to go into full detail about the story behind all of this, and just get all my thoughts out on the table, but that wouldn't be fair to kara or amanda or anyone else involved. plus, enough of it is going around already. congratufuckinglations anna, you dumbass. god damnit steven, i wish you were here right now. why must i live this painful and pointless existence? i keep looking at that desert eagle as i type this and wish i could do it. no more worries, no more fears, no more questions. just serenity.