bye joely
yesterday - i mean saturday - broke my heart.
for one, my dad got on a plane and flew back to iraq and that is always so hard, not to mention, even harder trying to console my mom on the looong ride home.
but selfish me, my own personal problems took the spotlight. my brother and i went to joel's apartment to pick up the last of my things. he didn't answer his phone and didn't call back and after much irritation and deliberation, we decided to go ahead into his unlocked apartment to retrieve my things, regardless.
to my shock, he was actually home. and god, it was so so so fucking hard to see him. and i was just wrenched through and through. he told me that he hadn't been doing as well in classes as he had hoped so he enlisted and leaves at the end of the month for bootcamp. how's that for a kick in the pants? i just started bawling the minute i saw him and my brother left us alone for awhile, politely. there was no ugliness there. we talked, joked, and even hugged and kissed. and i know so well that we made the right decision, but we did it so early in the game.
usually i stay with guys wayyyy past the point of giving a shit, so by the time we actually break up, i'm already over it, possibly with a plan B guy #2 already lined up which is shitty, but that's how it is. joel and i called it off while we still very much had feelings and it's just left me raw and confused. being with him yesterday made me think 'why are we apart? why did we do this?' it's out of guilt that i get so upset, too. i willingly said so many nasty things to him, personal character attacks, and deep gut-wound stabs...i am just sick to think of how horrible i was.
but our relationship was never easy. and probably wasn't going anywhere. and we both need to do more growing up. and i have demons of my own to put to rest.
i went in to work afterwards, a complete wreck. played it off about my dad, which i AM upset about, but not to the point of sobbing uncontrollably. i know my dad will be home in January...his leaving isn't something i was unprepared for, but seeing Joel... i asked my boss for half an hour to get it together, and he sent me home to be with my family. that's ok. i couldn't have put on a smile yesterday.
joel invited me to hang out with him and such. it's so hard not to just run back to him and make some hugely romantic gesture; god, i'm such a sap. 'hello sweetie - here i am! we made a big mistake' ... but for what? it will only be harder when he leaves in a week or two. i declined his invitations. all i said was 'Bye Joely.'
god that just wrecks me.
(but i'll be ok, right?)
for one, my dad got on a plane and flew back to iraq and that is always so hard, not to mention, even harder trying to console my mom on the looong ride home.
but selfish me, my own personal problems took the spotlight. my brother and i went to joel's apartment to pick up the last of my things. he didn't answer his phone and didn't call back and after much irritation and deliberation, we decided to go ahead into his unlocked apartment to retrieve my things, regardless.
to my shock, he was actually home. and god, it was so so so fucking hard to see him. and i was just wrenched through and through. he told me that he hadn't been doing as well in classes as he had hoped so he enlisted and leaves at the end of the month for bootcamp. how's that for a kick in the pants? i just started bawling the minute i saw him and my brother left us alone for awhile, politely. there was no ugliness there. we talked, joked, and even hugged and kissed. and i know so well that we made the right decision, but we did it so early in the game.
usually i stay with guys wayyyy past the point of giving a shit, so by the time we actually break up, i'm already over it, possibly with a plan B guy #2 already lined up which is shitty, but that's how it is. joel and i called it off while we still very much had feelings and it's just left me raw and confused. being with him yesterday made me think 'why are we apart? why did we do this?' it's out of guilt that i get so upset, too. i willingly said so many nasty things to him, personal character attacks, and deep gut-wound stabs...i am just sick to think of how horrible i was.
but our relationship was never easy. and probably wasn't going anywhere. and we both need to do more growing up. and i have demons of my own to put to rest.
i went in to work afterwards, a complete wreck. played it off about my dad, which i AM upset about, but not to the point of sobbing uncontrollably. i know my dad will be home in January...his leaving isn't something i was unprepared for, but seeing Joel... i asked my boss for half an hour to get it together, and he sent me home to be with my family. that's ok. i couldn't have put on a smile yesterday.
joel invited me to hang out with him and such. it's so hard not to just run back to him and make some hugely romantic gesture; god, i'm such a sap. 'hello sweetie - here i am! we made a big mistake' ... but for what? it will only be harder when he leaves in a week or two. i declined his invitations. all i said was 'Bye Joely.'
god that just wrecks me.
(but i'll be ok, right?)